Starting over is f*cking hard

I didn’t mention this before but I’ve started at another new college to study business I want to study it because it could open so many doors for me professionally and I do want to start my own business as well.

What I don’t want is to be bullied or judged or gossiped about which is what I feared would happen once I came here and it was this fear that landed me in trouble… With myself

You see there was some gossiping but no one was really picking on me and they didn’t seem to be judging me. In fact I think I was being more judgemental than they were.

All through the day my anxiety had been chipping away at me but during lunch I spent some time alone, practised meditation and I was alright until… Sports day

Now I like sports just not doing them with other people especially teenagers. In high school PE (sports class) was an opportunity for my bullies to physically attack me and make it look like an accident.

I’ve had balls thrown at my face, I’d been tripped and pushed, made fun of for the way I run and picked last for teams, exposing just how much of an outsider I was and I hated it.

Nothing like that happened but the fear of it stopped me from doing pretty much anything because no one else wanted to do it and I wanted to fit in for once and not draw any attention to myself.

Eventually it was over and I ended up in the counsellor’s office crying my eyes out and venting all my frustrations that had been piling up for the past couple of weeks. That was also part of the problem, I was so sad, anxious and frustrated but those feelings couldn’t find a way out until today…in college… On my first day.. FML.

I was hoping for a fresh start, that I could put my past behind me and move on, I forgot about Post Traumatic Stress (not the disorder) for me that means remnants of bad experiences are left in the back of my mind only rising when something I associate with that bad experience (i.e. Sports= Bullying) comes up.

I need to look for CBT and DBT therapy, its honestly so frustrating how the mental health team in my town just don’t get it and just dose me up with more medication which (excuse my language) pisses me off and stresses me out even more! they didn’t even want to let me have talking therapy alongside the medication, just the medication but what the hell am I supposed to do in situations like this when I don’t have the necessary tools to overcome the bad thoughts and anxiety?

I’m not anti-medication, it has helped a lot with the emotions but with the thoughts I’m in a constant cycle that I know I need help getting out of. I think I’m going to have to start being more assertive. They say “ask for help” but now it seems like I have to demand it!

In a way though I am thankful for what happened today because it finally meant I could release those pent up emotions and face one of my fears… Being vulnerable in front of people.

I’ll probably get more into that in another post but, for now, thanks for reading ❤️



DepressionDiaries: Can’t Sleep… as usual

It’s nearly 4 in the morning and I’m still awake. Maybe I shouldn’t have slept during the afternoon and gone out instead.

This morning my mum woke me up to call the recruitment people about when I would start. The Girl on the phone (who was clearly new) basically brushed me off saying they only had one day shift left when I wanted to work nights so we hung up.

My mum and I had like a five minute argument about it until I called them back and said I would take that last shift and start on Monday. I was really pleased finally I had gotten a job after being brushed off by the same people a week ago because of black Friday.

I texted my dad and my friend who already works at where I want to go only to realise looking at the postcode that the recruitment people texted me that I was assigned to the wrong area even though I mentioned to the girl on the phone what area I wanted to work in.

This wouldn’t be a problem if this area was easier to get to but it’s quite far from where I live and I’m expected to start at 7am on Monday. Then starting properly would mean I work 10 hours a day in the winter so I will have to find my way round an unfamiliar area in the dark and I have problems walking round my own neighbourhood in the dark.

So I have to give them another call in a few hours to try and fix this mix up if I can’t I may just take the job anyway. It’s better than nothing right?

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Feeling the Pressure

Him: Hey you free to meet up I need someone to meet feeling lonely right now and just wondering upset atm

Me: Where and when?

Him: Today if possible please. Feel like crying 😢

Me: Okay well I’m already meeting up with a friend. Is it all right if he comes to?

Him: No sorry just might jump off a building sorry

This is a conversation between me and the guy I went on a date with a few weeks ago. Bare in mind we’ve hardly spoken and we don’t really know eachother well.

I actually lied about already meeting up with a friend. I was on facetime with two of them when I was getting these messages and honestly I felt uncomfortable meeting up with him alone so I begged one of them to come with me but then you saw that last message. When he sent that I felt threatened like if I didn’t meet up with him… alone and at night he would hurt himself. I told my friends what he said and immediately alarm bells went off for them as well. So I ended up saying that I couldn’t meet him and my mum never wants me to see him again and I don’t mind that honestly.

He has since apologised for his behaviour but I still don’t trust him, I can feel the colour drain from my face as the dread rushes over me whenever I get a message from him. He wants to see me but I don’t want to see him and I don’t know how to tell him that…

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: My Brother, Mental Illness and Me

Recently I was on holiday in France with my half brother, his mum and our dad. It was a good holiday and allowed me a break from everything in life but with a mental illness you can’t really have a break in your mind.

On the last day my moods were all over the place mainly because I was honestly dreading going back home. This lead to a breakdown which consisted of snapping at mydad then crying on the porch outside where we were staying. I felt so tempted to just run away, get lost and never have to return home but I had no money and who knows what sort of trouble I would get myself into.

Unfortunately for my 9 year old half brother he had witnessed it all and he was very worried about me. I told him to just leave me and that he wouldn’t understand. After a while a duck came to join me on the porch; I like animals, they’re less complicated than humans so I grabbed some bread and started feeding him/her, it seemed to calm me down.

Once my half brother (we’ll call him Dino because he likes dinosaurs) so once he saw that I had calmed down he came to sit with me on the porch, I gave him the rest of the bread to feed the duck with, he was clearly still worried so I thought I should explain as best as I could.

I said “I have an illness in my brain, it makes it difficult for me to relax and sometimes I get upset for small reasons. I have a lack of relaxing hormones such as serotonin and melatonin so I have to take medicine to help me keep calm”

He had seen me take my melatonin before and asked about it so I said it helps me sleep

“That tablet you saw me take is melatonin and it increases my melatonin levels to help me sleep better and if I don’t take them I can be very tired”

Dino asked me questions which I answered; I made it clear to him that it was not his fault that I was in a bad mood and that it wasn’t dangerous (at least not like our nan’s cancer was) as I’ve had it since I was 6 to which he said…

“Woah, so it’s like you were born with it!” he sounded amazed at that which I couldn’t help but laugh about. It wasn’t long before me and Dino were back to our usual sibling behaviour and he still treats me the same which is good.

I had wanted to explain mental illness to him before considering children as young as him are coming down with depression and anxiety these days so I want to make sure he has some sort of understanding of it.

Some people might disagree and think that he is too young but if one day he does come down with depression and/or anxiety at least he’ll know that he is not the only one and that I would understand without judgement. I left out the BPD aspect of my brain because that would be a lot harder to explain to anyone of any age.

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Life Is Not A Race

Everyone is moving so quick these days. We’re all in a hurry to get… somewhere. We race to catch the bus or the train. Everything is about TIME how much time do I have to do this do that? When is the next thing happening?” We spend so much time looking down at our watches or phones checking the time that we’re actually wasting it.

Even when we have time to relax we don’t relax we spend the time thinking about what happened previously or what we need to do next. The world passes by in a blur as we race through it, not taking notice of anyone or anything just our goal.

How fast can I get to university? how fast can I get a job? how fast can I learn this? no matter what I have to be faster than my peers because that makes me better than them… Or does it?

While we spend our time rushing to our next goal thinking about how we can be better than others we’re not really taking the time to enjoy life are we? Its all a blur to those who are going through life faster, everything is fast for them including their heart rate. By being fast and “the best” the stress is greater therefore increasing the risk of both physical and mental health problems. So are the people who are faster than you REALLY better than you?

We seem to treat life like a race, we’re always thinking about the next thing and trying to meet our goals as fast as possible because we believe it will make us “better” than our fellow man (or woman) when really, people who live like that, they’re not really LIVING are they? they’re in a rush to meet their goals and be the first or the best. They seem to be rushing their life like they want to be the quickest to their grave.

So think about that if the fast paced race was too much for you that doesn’t make you weak, by taking the slower route you have the ability to properly LIVE by taking the time to really notice things that faster people cannot because the world is a blur to them but not to you.

Life Is Not A Race… SO take your time and take the next step when you are ready, you’ll more likely be better off in the long run 😉

snail-pace-300x234  NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Reckless Behaviour


I’m conflicted about this; a part of myself is proud  for getting away with it another part is worried about what I’m becoming. I stole a pen from a shop, it was quite easy as someone had already done half the job for me (removing the pen from its packaging) which meant I could get out without setting off alarms because the pen had no bar code.

Earlier I had been having a terrible day to the point that I had a breakdown. My mum went into the shop and left me waiting in the car with anger and depression boiling up inside me. I started having fantasies about doing reckless things and how thrilling it would be to break the rules. After a while I gave in to temptation and walked into the shop with my goal to steal something in mind. Conflict inside my head; The angry rebellious teen egging me on and the fearful child worrying reminding me of the possible consequences.

I hovered round the toy/stationary section and I saw a journal, the bar code was only attached by a sleeve that I could easily remove. perhaps too easy I thought to myself I think this massive journal is a bit too ambitious so I put the journal back, it was then that I spotted the neglected brand new pen that had been removed from its packaging and it seemed that someone else already took the other two that was supposed to be in a pack with it.

I picked up the pen, hid it up my coat sleeve and headed for the exit; I’d never felt so scared or excited in my life as I past the security guards and the sensors and made it outside and got back in the car to continue waiting for my mum. Honestly I got a kick out of it and I felt alive straying away from my usual good citizen path but it wasn’t long before the guilt kicked in.

The police are probably going to come to your house

 It’s just a pen  

It starts with a pen the next thing you know it will be a TV  

Other people would rob my charity store at least I’m not as low as they are

 But you’re just as bad as them return the pen 

It’s not fair I should be able to get away with it, everyone else does

Not everyone give them the pen back and apologise

No I’m not doing all that for nothing

It wasn’t even that hard give the damn pen back

No I want to keep it as a trophy

You may see it as a trophy now but when your mood changes it will serve as reminder of your sins and you’ll be riddled with guilt every time you look at it and even if you get rid of it, you’ll have nightmares about that pen.

… That’s a bit of a stretch

It’s the truth besides your mum would be disappointed 

Um… What she don’t know won’t hurt her

She’ll find out, you know she will either through the police or through you because you’ll be overcome by guilt and imagine how that would make her feel. Did she raise a delinquent?

…. No

Then return the pen.

Ugh… Fine!

It was then I grabbed the pen and walked back into the shop I didn’t return it directly as I was afraid they would report me and I would be arrested in front of my mum and bring her shame. So I put it back where I found it and then I remembered something I’d seen on TV where a character made the others believe she lost the key when she had it in her pocket the whole time but when she was ready to go she simply dropped the keys when no one was looking and pretended she’d just found them and picked them up to show everyone.

That’s what I did with the pen, I pretended to be browsing and put the pen back where I found it but then picked it back up with it’s empty packaging and gave it to one of the shop assistants who had been walking by, pretending I’d only just found it, she said “thank you” and I felt a sense of relief wash over me. I’d done it, I got away with it but then I did the right thing and returned it. It took all of my willpower not to bolt out the exit though.

I think my problems are getting worse I read that stuff like this is to do with BPD. I’ve asked for therapy weeks possibly even months ago but nothing and clearly medication is not the be all and end all to my issues. I should probably take my dad’s offer to pay and go private…


UPDATE: I wrote this a few days ago on the day that I did it. I didn’t publish it because I feared what people would think of me but I decided that I would give the whole grizzly picture of my mental state as that’s kind of the point of this blog. I’m not bad but I am ill and the illness is getting worse. I’ve got an appointment to see a psychiatrist  in a couple of weeks. I’ll tell her about what’s been happening and see what she says.

NI2M ❤


DepressionDiaries: OUT OF ACTION

Trigger Warning: Self Harm and Strong Language


First of all I just want to apologise for my lack of interaction with other bloggers recently, its nothing personal this is just kind of a time where my brain is at its most sensitive so I have to be careful what I read in case of triggers.

Secondly, Thank you for 250 followers I would have done a special post for it but I didn’t and I’ll talk about why in a bit.

Thirdly, this post is to address my lack of activity on WordPress recently and in the near future.

You may recall that I said March was a tough month for me, on the 1st of the month this year I had to make an appointment to see a doctor about my intense anxiety. I managed to get my fluoxetine dose increased to 40mg which seems to have brought down my anxiety level but now my depression is dominant once again. I haven’t felt any inspiration or motivation to write my blog or fan-fiction after a phase of being super productive thanks to my anxiety.

Plus, guess what? I fucking relapsed! after months of being in control of myself I gave in and have started hurting myself again. I haven’t told anyone, I’ve kept it secret because I know my mum will be upset and I will once again lose her trust, professionals will just try and make me stop but I don’t think I’m ready. I had thoughts of self harm for ages (even before the medication increase before anyone says its to do with that) there was always a fight inside my head about it and in the end I gave in, I’m not going to lie it was a relief. I should probably talk to someone about this as I know this is unhealthy.

I’ve been detached from myself and reality recently, I heard that antidepressants can sort of do that so you’re not so in touch with your feelings… I feel numb and disconnected. I’m only half aware that I’m writing this I may not even remember writing this soon. The days have been passing by in a blur and I just feel like I’ve been going through the motions, not really taking anything in just letting my body do the work while my brain sits back passively. I’ve gone from having too much brain power to very little within two weeks.

Maybe I should not have increased my meds although perhaps I would be in a worse state if I hadn’t. I’m going away this Friday for three days to celebrate my birthday I hope I will be able to enjoy it as it is one of the few things I’ve been looking forward to this year.

NI2M ❤





DepressionDiaries: Home Sickness

Home sickness… this has been a problem for me for as long as I can remember. Specifically if I was separated from my mum; I remember sleeping over at my dad’s house when I was 10 years old because we were going to go to the hospital to meet my new baby half brother together but I was so anxious about being away from my mum that my dad had to take me back to her at midnight.

Actually every holiday I went on with my dad I would have to battle my intense anxiety about being away from home, it wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I got used to being away from home with my dad but that took years of annual holidays with him to achieve. I remember when I was 16 I went away for this thing called NCS (National Citizen Service) and I had to spend 2 weeks away from home, I didn’t make it through the second week.


A year later  I went on a three day summer school experience where I had to spend two nights at a university to get a taste of what uni life was like. I did make it through those two nights but on the first night my anxiety was awful, I was crying and everything, luckily I’d made a friend who let me stay in her room to talk for a while. The second night I was so exhausted (we went clubbing but with adult supervision and no alcohol, I did a lot of dancing though) that I didn’t have the energy to be anxious besides I was going home the next day.


More recently I was in hospital, both times, I’d cried and panicked and practically begged to go home. I did get through both weeks though (probably the medication they gave me to knock me out helped)





Sleepovers with friends were difficult to, I could stay the whole night but I would get very little or even no sleep at all  whereas my friends would be able to sleep soundly and I didn’t want to offend them by making them feel like bad hosts or have them think I was a baby for wanting my mum so I would just… wait in the dark silence for the sun to rise and everyone to wake up instead of telling them I wanted to go home.



I would wonder why I am this way, I’m 18 (nearly 19) I should be glad to be away from home but that’s how “normal” people my age function. Not me, I have depression and BPD with anxiety  so I can’t be like them. Speaking of my BPD, I have a theory that it is linked to the home sickness I get so badly. You see, BPD occurs when your relationship with your primary attachment is disrupted at an early age (in my case, that would be my dad leaving the family home for his girlfriend when I was 6) but according to psychological studies you develop more than one attachment in case of such disruption; you can have another primary attachment figure (in my case that would be my mum) you can also have secondary attachments (e.g. grandparents, aunts & uncles, guardians/carers)

Since my mum is my other primary attachment figure it makes sense that I would fear losing her (which is the core reasoning of BPD, the fear of losing someone you’re attached to the same way you lost your first primary attachment) when I’m away from my mum I fear that something will befall her or, for whatever reason, I would not be able to return home to her, therefore losing the only other primary attachment figure I have and my dad doesn’t ease that fear because I am not as attached to him as I was before I was 6. He’s been demoted to a secondary attachment figure. So to summarise, My home sickness is my BPD being triggered as a result of being separated from my primary attachment figure.

My dad will be taking me on a weekend away for my 19th birthday soon (we’re going ghost hunting XD ) fingers crossed my separation anxiety doesn’t get the best of me otherwise I’m going to end up like this…


NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: The Child, The Killer and The Intruders (A Nightmare and Analysis)

I entered a dark room. There was a mirror, a two way mirror. When I pointed out that I might be being observed by someone. The mirror fogged up and the room went cold. I tried the door, it was locked and I screamed for help as my observer wiped away the fog on the mirror I didn’t know him but I knew he was supposed to be dead as this room was part of a museum about him.

I managed to get out and next thing I knew I was in a house, an old friend’s house, she wasn’t there but I was with a group of people and I was younger, I had the bedroom a five year old would use.

We were scared because something evil was in the house and it was after us. I screamed and cried out for my mum and dad but neither came to help us.

There were two men downstairs that weren’t supposed to be there, one of them had a knife. One of the girls in the group grabbed a gun and shot them dead. We had to help her hide the evidence and bury the bodies but their spirits still roamed the house. I went back to bed terrified because I knew this wasn’t over.

I was with some of the girls in a room, they were getting ready to perform a seance and asked if I wanted to join them. I remembered learning about how seances can make you vulnerable to evil spirits (which I knew by now the house had) but I was interested so I said I would just watch. As they started a small glass box on one of the shelves seemed to shift forward until it fell on its own.

As I returned to my room I remembered the advice of one of the older boys in the group. Pray, use protective stones and don’t be afraid of the ghosts because they will use that to their advantage.

I was terrified, I was 5 or 6 and seemed to have been dumped in this squat with other children and evil spirits; I’d witnessed death and was what the police would consider an accomplice to murder, no parents just these strangers who also had no parents to protect me from the evil of the dead and the living.

And yet as I lay in my bed and prayed and repeated to myself “I am not afraid” until I believed it, a sense of calm washed over me. I accepted my current position in life and made peace with it…

I was no longer afraid.



This nightmare seemed important and very significant so I decided to use a website called dream moods to help me decipher what this nightmare means.

Evil: To dream that someone or something is evil (in my case the ghosts/spirits) symbolizes a repressed or forbidden aspect of yourself. This part may want to be acknowledged. Alternatively it could be a symbol of your strong negative emotions e.g. hate or anger.

As someone with Borderline Personality Disorder the latter seems more likely and I think the negative emotion that the evil spirits induced was fear. This would make sense as I’ve been having troubles with anxiety lately.

Spirits: To see or talk to spirits in your dream signifies your fears about death.

My Nan is very ill and we all know her time will come soon. The dream could be a manifestation of my fear of when that time will come.

Seance: To see or take part in a seance represents you intuition and awareness. Alternatively the dream is a way for you to cope with the issues of death.

Tying in with the spirits and my intense fear, I think the latter is more probable as it was near the end of the dream where I had been dealing with spirits and my fear of them. Just after the seance I managed to come to terms with the presence of the spirits (death) and learned not to be afraid of them/it.



Children: To see children in your dream can signify an aspect of yourself and your childlike qualities. You may be retreating to a childlike state and longing for the past. You are trying to still satisfy repressed desires and unfulfilled hopes.

This could be very likely as there were things in my childhood that I would want to change but can’t and I wish I’d enjoyed it a bit more, followed my dreams and been less afraid all the time.

MuseumTo see a museum in your dream indicates that your non-traditional path to success will make you stand out from the rest. Sometimes you need to take a risk. Alternatively, the museum represents your own personal history. You can learn a lot from your past and your heritage. Consider what you have gained from these experiences and apply them to your current circumstances.

At the beginning my dream is set in a museum with exhibitions and stuff and there was a section about a man that died, wasn’t sure what his significance was but his ghost took an interest in me, observing, trapping and nearly killing me. I remember my dad being with me for a while and then he just… wasn’t. My dad leaving was a significant part of my past as it was most likely what triggered my BPD. So the museum was probably my personal history and even though I don’t believe I knew the ghost that tried to kill me, he could symbolize something from my past that causes me distress which could have been any number of things (I’ve got years worth of anxiety and depression to examine to get a possible answer)

Child: To dream that you are a small child again  suggests that you are feeling the burdens of adulthood. You are trying to escape daily responsibility and are looking for someone to protect you.

Yes just yes.



Killer: To see a killer in your dream suggests that an emotional aspect of yourself has been cut off. Alternatively, this dream could represent purification and the healing process.

In my dream the killer (the young girl who was not much older than my dream self) killed to protect me from the intruders. We’ll get to the significance of that soon.

Murder: To dream that you are a witness to murder indicates deep seated anger towards somebody. Consider how the victim represents an aspect of yourself that you want to destroy or eliminate.

The killer’s victim was the intruders so they are a very valid part of the dream.

Intruder: To see an intruder in your dream represents your feelings of guilt. Consider what unfamiliar thoughts and feelings may be entering your mind.

I’ve been having problems with intrusive thoughts lately making me feel ashamed and guilty. could that be what the intruders are? My intrusive thoughts and my feeling of guilt about them? like I said before the intruders were the victim to the killer who was protecting me. Was the killer a part of me who was protecting my inner child by eliminating my intrusive thoughts and guilt? Was she the older part of me that was angry because she’d had enough of them tormenting me?

Accomplice: To dream that you are an accomplice to a crime indicates that someone in your waking life is having a negative effect on you. You may be experiencing guilt with something you’ve done.

Like I said before I have strong feeling of guilt about my intrusive thoughts but I’ve never acted on them so I don’t know if the guilt is significant in this case. In the dream I am a child who is an accomplice to the killer who could be my older self, the killer who killed in anger to protect me. I would sometimes use anger to protect myself from fear and pain, I used to do it a lot in school but didn’t think I was doing it recently but maybe subconsciously I am and by working with that anger its having a negative influence on my life.



Abandonment: According to Dream moods dreaming that you have been abandoned can mean several things but I think the most significant meaning for me is the more literal one which is that its most likely a fear of being abandoned, deserted or even betrayed.

Again this is to do with my BPD and how it makes me fear losing attachments and being alone. In my dream my parents are not around, there was no explanation as to what happened to them and i just found myself alone with other children no older than 16. In fact there were no adults at all to protect us.

Given that I’m a child and there a lot of children with me in the dream and the fact that they could have something to do with my past could indicate that fear that has stemmed from my childhood and trying to get back what I lost of myself. By relying on the protection of the older children could be my inner child looking to the older parts of me for protection and guidance.

To summarise this dream seems to be about coming  to terms with loss in more ways than one,learning to be self sufficient with my needs and conquering my fears but also I need to address some of my past issues in order to move on and look into the possible causes of my deep seated anger to resolve them and make peace with my demons…

NI2M 😱

DepressionDiaries: Triggers, So Many Triggers

You could consider this post a continuation to yesterday’s one “intrusive thoughts

Today I went to see the doctor to talk about my anxiety. I figured out that must be the problem and what’s causing my intrusive thoughts because I remember the symptoms I experience with severe anxiety and intrusive thoughts are one of them.

While I was talking I managed to identify the things that might have set off my anxiety.

  1. For at least a month I was housebound because of my appendicitis so going out may have caused me anxiety considering I got comfortable at home.
  2. It’s March, a bad month for me ( I suggest you read The Curse Of March to get a better understanding of why this is such a difficult month for me) I think the fact that march was coming up got pushed to the back of my mind but sub- consciously the dread built up leading to my anxiety.
  3. About a week ago I had a rather deep conversation which re-surfaced some bad memories. Which could have set off the anxiety inducing intrusive thoughts.
  4. A close family friend has received some bad news and I’m worried about the effect it will have on her family and mine.
  5. The health of my Nan. She’s been very ill lately and the doctors are trying to prolong and maintain quality of life for her but she doesn’t think she’ll live to see my female cousin’s wedding later this year.


So fair to say, thinking about it, I have every reason to feel so anxious and usually either my depression or my anxiety is dominant. Lately my depression has been ruling so my anxiety and intrusive thoughts weren’t such a big problem because I had too little energy to worry or care. Not saying my depression has gone but has been pushed aside by my anxiety. It will probably arise again when my anxiety has settled.

Anyway, for now my fluoxetine dose has been increased to 40mg to help manage my intense anxiety in this difficult period of time and my doctor is going to arrange for me to see a psychiatrist again. I’m still going to speak with my mentor tomorrow, hopefully she will be able to give me some support over the next few weeks.



NI2M ❤