BPD, Jealousy and Envy

I believe we all get jealous at some stage of our lives.  I used to quite a lot.  It used to be so bad at times I could feel it eating away at me and I would develop a strong dislike for someone, but not understanding why. Since starting my medication and neurofeedback therapy, I’ve felt it less often and intense. I still get envious though.  I find what triggers it is someone getting more attention or affection than me eg someone I perceive as being more liked/popular than me. It’s a hard thing to admit and I hate feeling this way but the green eyed monster can be powerful.

When I was attached to someone, this could be my mum or a friend, I would feel very possessive of them. If they had other people around who could fill my shoes, I would fear them leaving me as I tend to see myself as “second best” or the “backup plan”. I truly believed that a friend or family member would leave me as soon as they found someone better. It took me years to accept my mum’s best friend.  Before then I saw her as the enemy, the one taking my mum’s love and attention away from me, the one who my mum would leave me for. As crazy as this appears, this type of thinking makes sense when given my family history.

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I never really did anything about it though. When the green eyed monster came, I would feel ashamed for not just being happy for the people I loved and I would suppress the feeling. However this envy/jealousy would grow into resentment and bitterness because I didn’t properly address the emotions at the first stage. Thus leading to tension in my relationships with others and paranoid thinking which can morph into serious trust issues and destroy relationships.

I’m more socially isolated at the moment so I don’t experience jealousy as such but more envy.  Social media is a big trigger for this envy. When I think someone is doing better than me with content, followers or praise I find that pit of irrational hatred for the person I see as doing better than me. Like I said, I would see them as competition and I would feel bitterness for myself and life. Why can’t I be as well liked as they are? Why does their site look better than mine? Why isn’t my writing as good as theirs? etc. Then shame would kick in. Why can’t I just be happy for them? Why do I have to be so negative? Why can’t I just be grateful? I have decided to try and understand jealousy/envy instead of pushing it away like I usually do…
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The difference between envy and jealousy:

Envy vs. Jealousy. The main difference between envy and jealousy is that envy is the emotion of coveting what someone else has, while jealousy is the emotion related to fear that something you have will be taken away by someone else.

Quote from: https://www.diffen.com/difference/Envy_vs_Jealousy

so, to summarize, Jealousy relates to personal relationships (romantic, familial and friendly) whereas envy relates to more materialistic things and can be felt towards a complete stranger.

Why do we get jealous or envious?

In DBT emotional regulation, one of the first things we learn is that each emotion has a function, even the ones we deem bad. Each one is there to motivate us to do something either negative or positive. Its not the emotion that’s necessarily bad its the actions we choose to take because of them. For example, Jealousy can motivate us to do better than our third party competition in order to keep the one we cherish and impress them. A negative action to take with Jealousy is to become possessive of a loved one, controlling or clingy to make sure the one you love can’t leave.

Envy can motivate us to push ourselves a bit more so we can do just as well as the person we’re envious of and achieve that success we crave. However this feeling can lead to things like bullying, where you try to tear down the person you deem more successful and happy to make them feel as bad as you. So you see, if we take these emotions and not judge them we can use them to become better friends, partners or family members and achieve more than we thought possible.

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Artwork by: Unknown

Jealousy and Envy in BPD

Jealousy and envy seem to be more of a problem in those of us with BPD. The jealousy probably stems from our insecurity and fear of abandonment. A blogger (linked below) said that envy in BPD could be due to our chronic sense of emptiness, causing the desire to have what others have that make them happy so that we may know happiness. It could also boil down to the fact that we can feel more intensely than others, which can lead to problematic behaviors when those feelings (i.e jealousy or envy) are not managed properly.

How to combat jealousy and envy (in a healthy way)

Another thing we learn in DBT emotional regulation is Opposite Action where we can choose to calm ourselves by acting the opposite way to how we’re feeling. You observe the emotion, what its motivating you to do and, if the action is deemed ineffective, we can use Opposite Action to neutralize the emotions.

For (a real life) example I was talking to someone via text and they stopped replying. I assumed I said something wrong or that they didn’t like me so I felt anxious and afraid. Because of this I was tempted to keep texting them until they answered, apologize or get angry to grab their attention. I knew that would be wrong so instead I cried while eating cake until I felt sick.

Now, in hindsight, once I checked that my actions would be ineffective or make things worse I could have practiced opposite action which would have been to show self compassion by challenging my assumptions of the worst “they hate me” and practicing self care instead of making myself ill.

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Image from: comic “working with envy” by Colleen Butters

Here are some OPPOSITE ACTION ideas for envy/jealousy:

  1. Count your blessings “name them one by one, count your blessings don’t you spoil the fun” (sorry, just whenever I came across that phase the song I was taught in school comes to mind lol)
  2. Challenge thoughts instead of acting on them. For example (on social media) think something like “is their life really that perfect? They could just be showing me what they want me to see and not the “ugly” parts of their life”
  3. Appreciate/ be kind to yourself. If you feel envious/ jealous it may be because you’re insecure and have low self esteem. So, take some time to appreciate that you’re doing your best and make a list (or ask a loved one to) of all your achievements and positive qualities.
  4. ACKNOWLEDGE, COMMUNICATE, RESOLVE– demonstrated in the “dealing with jealousy” video linked below. These three steps are more personal for myself as, like I mentioned before, I deal with jealousy by suppressing, withdrawing and leaving the situation unresolved because of the shame I have around the emotion. So this would be a very good Opposite Action for me.
  5. Think about the other person– People with BPD can be so empathetic, I find it hard not to cry when I see someone else cry or be sick when someone else has been. I’m very good at feeling others’ pain even when I don’t want to, I imagine this is the same for a lot of us, being so emotionally sensitive. If we find it easy to feel the pain of others, then we can learn to feel people’s pleasure too by putting ourselves in the shoes of the person we envy. I believe an article linked below mentions MUDITA which is sympathetic joy. I personally would much rather be able to experience people’s joy more than their pain, so I’d like to give this a practice 🙂

Thanks so much for reading and feel free to let me know your experiences with envy/jealousy. Have you been the jealous/envious one before? Have you ever been on the receiving end of jealousy/envy? How do you handle these feelings when they arise?

Take care ❤

Resources:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201103/envy-the-emotion-kept-secret

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/turning-straw-gold/201207/transforming-envy-joy

https://www.borderlineblog.com/envy-envy-and-more-envy.php

https://www.my-borderline-personality-disorder.com/2018/10/bpd-trauma-and-jealousy.html

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The Patterns From My Past

4febdb05b1616eee5bd5b30c847629b9The last fall out with a friend was a rather aggressive one, on both parts and whilst I don’t like to admit things getting to me (although its actually normal to be upset because we were close friends) there was something she said that had been playing a little on my mind even before the fight “All your friendships that failed, you’re the problem” she also said I was “toxic” and I should go back to “wallowing in my self pity”

Now some of the things she said sounded unlike her and the wallowing in self pity part sounded like a judgement from her own mind. She always had difficulty expressing her emotions and I guess she sees crying or even admitting your feelings as “weak” or “self pity” she’s seen my blogs before and I have had comments complaining about why I am talking about mental health issues and the past. That’s the difficult thing about writing so openly, people who see any signs of vulnerability as a weakness hate it even though they are hard on you for expressing yourself because they can’t express themselves for fear of being judged.

I know this because I used to be the same way (I discussed this unhealthy attitude towards vulnerability in my post “learning to be vulnerable”) but when I came on wordpress and saw so many people talking about their feelings and hardship I felt inspired and understood, it was through writing this blog that I learned about BPD and got the diagnosis for it, this blog has helped me process and heal from the past but there is one thing that I hadn’t considered until my friend said “you’re the problem”

Maybe I am but not in the way she probably thinks. You see, I’ve been reading ‘You can Heal our Life’ by Louise hay and she talks about the negative patterns we get into because of the past. In another book called ‘Truth Of Spirit’ it was discussed that we get into relationships that mirrored our parents’

425dedd3ead6eba28a25e5ae34993299Now, I don’t remember what my parents relationship was like but I imagine based on my friendships, it wasn’t good. My dad had an affair so there was DECEIT which I have experienced in my friendships from both my end and theirs. My mother also said that they didn’t really communicate before he left so there was MISCOMMUNICATION or even no communication at all, this I also found in friendships, again from both ends. Then my dad left and I don’t remember but mum said I was extremely angry and the BPD issues started, I would subconsciously fear people abandoning me. All my friendships I ended by choice, I abandoned them the way I felt my dad abandoned me. So, do you see where I’m coming from?

I also read an article about BPD and at one point it mentioned that someone with BPD can instantly leave a person who has hurt them as to not give that person a chance to hurt them again and I believe that is also what I do. We attract the people who confirm our beliefs, so maybe I subconsciously believed that “people are not loyal to me” “people hurt me” “people are selfish” or even “I’m not deserving of true friendships” these beliefs would create the pattern I got myself into with friends.

I’m not saying that it was all my fault or the other people’s fault, we just do the best we can with the knowledge we have and the plus side to realizing that I am “the problem” is that I am easier to “fix” than trying to fix the other person or situation. I’ve learned that playing the blame game is a losing one, if you blame others and believe that they are the problem then your life will not change as you feel you are not in control but if you blame yourself for everything, you put a tonne of weight on your shoulders by making yourself feel responsible for everything and you end up in a spiral of guilt and self hatred with the belief “everything is my fault” which then attracts people who will treat you like everything is your fault.

So I believe everyone should take responsibility for their actions but that doesn’t mean shaming yourself it means seeing where you went wrong and what you could do better for next time, life doesn’t come with an instruction manual and we are not born to know everything, I don’t even think we’re meant to know everything as humans, but I believe that we are meant to learn and grow as much as possible through life and by becoming aware of your thoughts,beliefs and patterns and changing them, you can change your life.This was proven to me a while ago where I practiced positive affirmations and imagined I had the dream job I wanted and I got it! Positive change doesn’t come through negative feelings such as guilt and self hatred it comes from loving and taking care of yourself because once you do that, I believe, you will attract more loving and caring people but I will be putting that to the test 😉

Thanks for reading

NI2M ❤

Practicing Positivity for Job Success

For a long time I had an aggressive mentality, it got me through high school and got me working hard… Too hard. You see, I would criticize myself and push myself too much so I could do more because then I thought that would mean I would deserve more but nothing I ever did was good enough for me, I was always comparing myself to others especially on YouTube. I deleted my old channel because “it wasn’t as good as others” and I was always thinking “why can’t you be more like them?” I was like a critical parent and while this attitude did make me more productive it destroyed me emotionally.

I had a friend who was the same, I remember him being angry at himself for not having a job and he said he wouldn’t go on benefits because he was  “better than that” me and my family were on benefits (not by choice!) But instead of defending myself telling him why he was wrong for thinking like that I started to get angry at myself for not having a job and being on benefits

I remember asking my mum if I could get a job working in college and she said no because then I wouldn’t get the funds needed for my studies, I was really furious about that but in hindsight it was a good thing I didn’t get the job because I was struggling enough as it was. I blamed my emotional distress on not having a job or working. I thought if I work and earn money then I’ll be contributing more and be more worthy.

I was stuck with this mentality for months. Always thinking “my mental health and self esteem will get better if I have a job”

After leaving college due to severe depression I didn’t give myself a break, I didn’t think I deserved one for being “lazy” a “quitter” and a “failure” instead I went straight into an internship that lasted roughly 6 months.

I thought it would be easy to get a job after that… It wasn’t. I grew frustrated with myself as I attached my self worth to whether or not I had a job. I was growing desperate. My ex friend signed me up to work at McDonald’s as a joke but honestly at that point if they wanted me I would have taken it because it was better than nothing. If you work at McDonald’s by the way I admire you, fast food seems like a difficult job and you deserve more credit and pay. Even if you don’t have a job and are on benefits that’s okay as well just don’t beat yourself up about it, my friends just had a really unhealthy attitude towards work like I used to.

Anyway I got desperate enough that I found myself working in a restaurant with a manager who liked to exploit her staff. Making them work nearly 9 hours without a break. Making them do things and not paying them for their work. I hated it, I felt like crying the entire time I was there but I was desperate so stayed another day. I trialed 2 days but left when I realised just how much I was compromising myself just for money. I was tired, depressed and lied to impress the people there so they would like me ( (I hate lying) I left after the second day and cried my eyes out in a church because I felt like a failure.

I felt like it was hopeless but I wasn’t going to give up so I tried a different approach. I tried positive affirmations, giving myself compliments and imagining the best outcome in my job applications. I spent an entire afternoon fantasizing about having my dream job which was to be a bookseller, I recited positive affirmations like they were lines from a script. Guess what? I got a job interview with my favourite bookshop! I continued my positive work for the interview and while I did nearly have a panic attack I repeated to myself “I can do this” and I did it and guess what? I GOT THE JOB!!!

My dream job and I didn’t get it by hating myself I got it by practicing kindness on myself, it made me feel better and confident which must have come across in my interview. I’m so happy. It wasn’t easy though as, when you’ve been stuck with a negative mentality for years its hard to break out of that pattern so it really takes practice to think and feel better.

I recommend reading You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay and The Power by Rhonda Byrne as they really helped me but I’ll also link some videos that helped as well 🙂

Thanks for reading

much love ❤

Changing My Judgement

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One of the many problems with BPD is the tendency to think that someone is either good or bad with no in-between and although my BPD is much less intense than it was a few months ago I found myself dealing with this problem again during the week.

Thing is I don’t just apply it to other people, I apply it to thoughts, feelings and actions. There isn’t a problem with anyone or thing I judge as good, its when I judge someone or something as bad that problems arise. From a young age I have had anger problems and at the age of 10 I remember drawing a diagram of my brain with two smaller brains inside, good brain and bad brain. This was how I differentiated between good actions and bad.

I was talking to child counsellors about this and said something like “when I’m angry bad brain takes control and I do bad things” thing is I believed that bad things needed to be punished hence my anger issues, a few years later I started self harming to punish myself for the “bad” thoughts and things I had done no matter how small it was.

When applying this to other people I would get so bitter and angry that if the name was mentioned I would go into an anger frenzy. All because that person did a bad thing and they needed to be punished, so I would ruminate on revenge fantasies but not actually do anything because I would be “just as bad as them”

This belief really came to light a few days ago. You may remember a friend of mine who had been in an abusive relationship with a guy who had also abused me, well she told me she was back in touch with him and I flipped out, full blown anger to the point that I nearly killed myself because I didn’t want to live in a world where people as bad as him could get what they want and their crimes go unpunished.

I was terrified she would go running back to him and turn on me but I was also angry with her for not calling the police and saying she still loves a man who had done such unspeakable things; in my mind she was just as bad as him for giving him the contact he wanted and not punishing him because what he did to me was an old crime but with her its happening right now so why the fuck isn’t she doing anything about it!

I sent her a long message basically saying she was being a classic abuse victim and I wouldn’t be able to trust her while she was talking to him; she’s in denial said she wants a friendship with him and that she still loves him and I was frankly disgusted but then when I had a meltdown and my mum asked her what was happening she denied saying anything like that, contradicting herself. It seemed all too familiar to another situation I believe I mentioned when someone twisted the story to their own agenda, to make it look like I was the one in the wrong for feeling and reacting a certain way.

Well I blocked her and she unsubscribed to my channel (much like anther girl who took down a website she built for me because we fell out as if to say that’s the end of it and they have the final say). I’m still fuming a bit but I’m more disappointed in her that she would fight to get back with an abuser and not fight at all for our friendship. In hindsight our friendship was doomed from the start, we both knew each other through him (lets call him A for now) and our friendship was based on our mutual history with A. So, yeah the foundation of our friendship was the guy who gave us Post Traumatic Stress, really not good especially if it can send me into meltdowns like that.

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I guess I was hoping I could help her, I always cared for her even before we knew the truth, a part of me wants to try our friendship again but then I would be acting like her, clinging on to hope that there can be something good there (or in him) when there just isn’t.

I digress, the inner child insists on hating him and her for hurting me so much. Honestly I did feel pretty fucked over but I’ve also got to understand that it took me ten years to start my healing work from what happened with him. Her trauma is still pretty raw and I can’t force her to heal and move on, she needs to do that in her own way, in her own time, I’m at a different healing stage to her and that’s okay. She’s not a bad person just unhealthy, good people can be unhealthy.

I was back into voluntary work yesterday and found myself panicking over getting things “wrong” and making mistakes because my belief is that mistakes are bad and make me look bad but in reality everyone makes mistakes and mistakes can be good for learning so I tried thinking to myself “mistakes are good”. I repeated it a few times and it really helped me calm down and ironically make less mistakes lol but it was this that got me thinking about how I judge myself and others. For example (lets call my abused ex friend G) G, I judged her decision and actions as bad because, well, shit would probably hit the fan if she got too close to him again but I refuse to think of her as a bad person that would just make me angry and I’ll end up punishing myself most likely; besides its not her fault that he has such a strong hold on her, it’s what abusers do and I hope to the powers that be I will never have to experience an abusive relationship like that.

So instead of saying something or someone is bad I say healthy or unhealthy. Saying someone did something or is bad implies, to me, that they need to be punished thus sending me into rage mode wanting to hurt them but ending up hurting myself because I thought of doing something bad to someone and must be punished. So the cycle of anger and self harm goes. Instead if I describe something or someone as unhealthy that only implies there is healing work that needs to be done and ,like I said, good people can get unhealthy so I feel no need to punish them and may help them if it is healthy for me to do so.

With G I tried my best to help her heal but it was starting to hurt me and I realized the friendship is unhealthy for both of us. Me because it kept retraumatizing me and bringing me back to that state of rage and unhealthy for her because I would just be pushing her too much to be who I wanted her to be most likely and she needs to take charge of her own destiny and learn her lessons when she is ready. Who knows, maybe in another ten years we’ll both be in much better places and be good friends based on our personalities and mutual interests, not our history.

Alone Vs Lonely

This is a continuation of Progression Vs Regression, I suggest you read that post before this one if you haven’t 🙂 but if you have lets continue where we left off. Also TRIGGER WARNING this post talks about self harm.

The day after my therapy session I was in what my friend calls a post-counselling high which means that seeing my therapist motivated me and gave me a high plus this session had been particularly special because I felt like I had a breakthrough with my inner child (this high as you could probably note from my writing in part one does not last long) I remembered our conversation about how I needed to get out and meet people, I was really apprehensive about that because I have a few friends online and I know its not “normal” to be socially isolated and for some people its bad but every time I try to put myself in a situation that involves making friends face to face it goes horribly. Not to mention the fact that I just recently separated from my school friends because of how much distress they were causing me so perhaps I’m not ready to make new friends.

Well anyway I saw an advertisement for an open audition for a local amateur dramatics group as I’ve been told I have a flair for the dramatic (I’m currently drinking from a glass my friend decorated with the drama mask symbol on it because she said I am a “drama queen” I used to take offence to that but I’m starting to see it as a good thing as it made me a very talented performer) and I used to love acting, in fact I had recently been missing my college acting class but anyway in my post-counselling high  I was buzzing with confidence and energy so decided I would go.

On Thursday I had the house to myself so I could sing and dance until my heart was content for practice I started with my old breathing exercises and tried singing for maybe half an hour but then the self- esteem issues creeped in and my post counselling high was officially over. I remember laying on the floor thinking “what if my voice breaks and everyone laughs at me?” “what if I can’t act anymore because I’ve been out of practice for so long?” “I suck at dancing so I’ll just end up humiliating myself if I tried” But I have to go, therapist said I need to meet people and make friends” “what if no one likes me?” “what if they make fun of me?” “but I have to go, therapist said I can’t run away from what makes me scared”

For the next couple of days I couldn’t get the audition out of my head I was anxious and frustrated with myself for being so bad at making a decision and my therapist for making me feel like shit for wanting to be alone because that’s the only time I felt peaceful. I was now thinking “I don’t want to go but I have to or therapist will judge me” “fuck my therapist she doesn’t know what its like for me” “Ugh I’m such a cowardly quitter” “If I don’t go I’ll never make friends and always be alone… but what if that’s a good thing?”

There were two audition dates set and well I barely remember the first day, I didn’t go because I was still in emotional turmoil and hating myself, just wanting to curl up and binge watch movies and TV shows but beating myself up for wanting to do that because of what my therapist said about me isolating myself. Eventually I caved in from the stress of the past week and I went to the bathroom where I remembered seeing a razor and I cut myself 5 times until I bled and all I could feel was the sting of the cuts. I think since starting college again I was regressing back to who I was a few months ago, going back to the pain and trauma I knew so well.

As I write this its time for the second audition as you can probably guess I’m not going. There will be other auditions and while I do like pushing myself sometimes, I  really need to learn my limits. The self harm has motivated me to get in touch with a charity run counselling foundation to have talking therapy as well as the neurofeedback my current therapist is giving me. I think spending more time alone and in counselling will be a good opportunity to explore and learn more about myself, I don’t think I’m ready for new friends I’m content with the ones I have for now and I think putting myself under pressure to meet new people just hurts me more than it should.

Yes social isolation can be a bad thing, it can get lonely but I always felt lonely from childhood even with the group of friends I had, There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Yes I am alone a lot but I don’t feel the same loneliness I used to in a crowded room, I’m learning to love my own company before I learn to love the company of others so I make new friends when I want to not when I “need” to because in the long run you are all you’ve got.

Artist: Zindy.deviantart.com

Thank you for reading,

NI2M ❤

Between Two Worlds

My Neurofeedback treatment is almost over but I don’t believe that the recovery process is. There is still some things I need to deal with such as my symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress and OCD, things I am hopefully going to get psychological help for with the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT) sometime this year.

Basically I feel like I’m in possibly the scariest part of recovery where I’m better than I was at the start but still not where I need to be. I think about it as two worlds, One that has all my old relationships, behaviours and coping mechanisms and then the other which is yet to be explored but contains (hopefully) better relationships and behaviours. The new, mentally healthier, me. The way I see it, I’m in the space between, where I’m moving on from the old world but haven’t arrived at the new one.

This scares me because I’m having to let go of things I once knew while also not knowing whats next. I mean I’m taking steps to this new world such as learning employability skills so I can get a job I’m trying different things to discover more about myself and make new friends. At the moment nothing is settled, I don’t have a job, an established identity or any concrete new friends.

I am however doing some things better, I’m facing fears, letting go of things I know are bad for me and constantly learning. Everything is hanging in the balance I don’t have my old support system or coping mechanisms, I’m having to learn to do without them and find new ones. There’s no going back now only forward to the unknown…

 

Thank you for reading, NI2M 🙂 ❤

MeetMeOnTheBorderline: If you Love Me Let Me Go

It’s been just over a week since things went down hill with my friends and I guess I am feeling better this week. I’ve done everything I could think of to make myself feel better without my friends such as listening to music, writing songs, watching all sorts of videos on youtube and trying new things (I started Yoga a few days ago)

I’ve only really been speaking to one friend but it was still awkward because I couldn’t help feeling that they were hiding things from me and, I’m not sure if I mentioned this in my last post but one of my friends asked me if I wanted to come back into the group chat we had but I left to which I simply said “no thanks, I’m good” I didn’t really want to go back to them given how they’d been making me feel.

It really helped talking about this to my therapist at our last appointment she reassured me that I wasn’t over reacting or being paranoid because there was some truth in what I was thinking and feeling “This friend is trying to manipulate the situation to suit them even at my expense” “they’re hiding something from me, probably talking behind my back” you see,this way of thinking and how I felt was based on their recent behaviour and she said I should trust myself more instead of blaming myself as I did the right thing by trying to set boundaries and they handled it immaturely. That being said my therapist also mentioned that I might be outgrowing them which is probably a good thing as it shows I’m moving on and making progress in life.

Now today I woke up and my first thought wasn’t to check for messages from my “friend” who is still not talking to me nor was it even to text the friend I’m still talking to. In fact the latter should be on her work break as I’m writing this, she usually texts me during said break, but oops(!) I left my phone in another room far, far away from me so if she does text or call I won’t know. Actually I didn’t think about any of my “friends” until this evening and instead of immediately reaching for my phone I decided to get on my laptop and write this post instead.

This is a good sign that I’m letting go and now that I’m away from them I’ve realised how dependent I was on them, I would talk to them for hours almost everyday and push past my negative emotions to please them, I would get anxious if they didn’t reply to my messages straight away and get jealous when they were doing things with eachother but without me. Its now I realise just how unhealthy my friendship with them was and now I’ve lost touch with them, I’m making more time for myself and the things I need to do. Not going to lie I want to hear from the ghosting “friend” just so I can say “You’re too late, I’ve moved on” then flick my hair back, turn and walk away with such sass Beyonce would be proud.

However the rest of my friendship group are going to be harder to let go even though I know I need to; I’ve known the 3 of them since school and I know they care about me and I doubt they’d want me to go, like I said I’ve tried leaving before, but if I go back to them they’ll just want things to go back to how they were before, want me to be who I was before even though I don’t think that me was even real. Maybe I’ll go back to how I was before and act like nothing happened but then surely this whole thing will just repeat itself again? I’m changing and they have to understand that I just don’t belong with them anymore and the person I was with them is not the one I want to be. They need to either come along with me for the ride or let me go…

 

Thanks for reading 🙂 ❤

MeetMeOnTheBorderline: The Bumps In The Road To Recovery

This past week has been really stressful and my BPD has been triggered because on monday I had a fall out with some friends because they started making fun of something I was very sensitive about thus triggering me (not in the meme way, the legitimate trauma way) I was having anxiety attacks and dissociating so I was only half aware that I was sending such aggressive texts because all my defences started kicking in.

A couple of hours later I was willing to move on because I felt I had no choice if I wanted to keep my friends though I was still hurt however one friend stopped responding to me which again triggered my BPD’s intense abandonment anxiety not only that but she seemed to be behaving in a passive aggressive way, she took down a website she built for me and lied about not being able to message me to my mutual friends even though I didn’t block her and she was using the same messaging site to talk to our mutual friends.

I tried to be rational, tried to control myself for my friends’ sake but they have no idea what their behaviour has been doing to me. All week I have felt like crying at the drop of a hat, I can’t sleep, my appetite is going, I can’t concentrate and my moods are swinging like a park swing because I am so anxious. I’m not necessarily scared that they are going to leave me anymore, in fact I tried to leave them, its just the uncertainty, I feel like my friends are hiding something from me “for my own protection” as one said about the matter of the lie but they’re not protecting me by being vague and saying nothing. I just want to know whether or not we’re still friends because if not I can let go and if we do stay friends I can move on but they’re leaving me hanging here and its infuriating and hurtful.

All of them seem to be standing by the friend who’s not responding to me even when I asked her straight up if we could talk this through like adults, nothing, not even a “talk later” they seem to be treating me as if I was the only one in the wrong (It wasn’t a good way for me to express my feelings) but they seem to forget that this person made light of something they knew hurt me because I told them I was having anxiety attacks but they still kept going and now she’s being a passive aggressive and no one is telling me why, I just feel so alone. This is one of those times that I want to give my friends my feelings so they know how bad I ACTUALLY get when I’m like this because they clearly don’t know the half of what I have to go through daily.

I have felt like self harming all week, I feel like its the only thing that can help me now and I won’t tell my friends that because it’s “emotionally manipulative” so as usual I will just fester in my own pain while they go about their lives and believe I’m just “over reacting” maybe I am but it doesn’t make my feelings any less valid!

Anyway the point of this post was to say that when you are trying to recover from a mental illness you are going to have things that test you and try to pull you back all the way to step one and I believe that’s normal for recovery in fact I would be more worried if it was all smooth sailing because would that mean I never needed treatment in the first place? For now I’m just trying alternatives to self harm by doing things I enjoy like reading, drawing, watching movies, listening to music and I’m even trying to make new friends online! so I can definitely see some improvement in myself since I started Neuorfeedback as before the treatment I would have probably picked up the scissors already…

 

Thank you for reading, NI2M ❤

MeetMeOnTheBorderline: The Other Problem with BPD

so for about 6 weeks now I’ve been receiving treatment for emotional instability and it does seem to be working, I’m slower to react and quicker to recover from a bad mood but there is another problem with BPD and that is identity.

You see BPD makes me fear abandonment and rejection so for years I’ve tried to fit in with the people I like. I’ve even tried to be different types of people but all this lead to was me feel confused about who I truly was.

Recently I was out with friends watching a movie I told my friend that I really liked it but she said for her it was just mediocre and then… I found myself talking down the movie I actually liked just to be on the same page as her. Not going to lie as I was doing this I felt myself dying a little inside.

I used to do it when I was in school but didn’t feel so bad about it because blending in and agreeing with others what pretty much how we all survived high school but now I’m 20, out of school and mainly on my own so I shouldn’t feel the need to try to fit in any more but I do as I still have that fear of the few people I call friends leaving me.

Also during that day I found myself feeling uncomfortable, sad and anxious but just like I used to plastered a smile on my face, made jokes and pretended everything was good even as they were “roasting” me (although some of the time it felt like straight up insults) the whole time dying a little more inside bit by bit.

When I got home I found myself wondering “do they only like me because I behave the way I want them to?” if I started being more honest about my thoughts and feelings would they turn on me? would they say I was “overreacting” “being dramatic” or “over sensitive?” I don’t know and that worries me but if they were true friends they would at least try to understand right?

I’m just so tired of compromising myself and basically lying for other people’s benefit just to have me feeling hollowed out and confused. So I guess its not just the emotions I have to worry about my identity.

Here are the things I know about myself;

I enjoy reading but I don’t know what my favourite genre is

I Love going to the cinema/theatre but can’t often afford it

I like to write but often doubt my work and therefore lack the motivation to actually do it.

My favourite band is Evanescence

My favourite genre of music seems to be rock but I’m also able to enjoy other genres

I love to sing and dance but not seriously.

Everything emotional and social about myself I’m not sure of, like am I introverted or extroverted? Am I really so emotionally sensitive? I have no clue and I guess its going to take time for me to find out and become my “true self”

 

Thank you for reading, NI2M ❤

MeetMeOnTheBorderline: What happened to me?

I was looking back at some of my old posts today to see if anythings changed since I started and well, it has. I used to be so nice, so caring, always putting other people before myself but now not so much. I can be so mean recently, not necessarily out loud but in my head I can not only be mean to myself but others as well. I can come up with an insult for someone in approximately 3 seconds and I can lash out for seemingly no reason.

I remember a few months back some of my friends were acting strange and would start being passive aggressive towards each other while I tried to figure out what the hell was going on and fix things but that only led to them taking their anger out on me and I hated it. It brought back memories of people treating me like dirt just because they could. I don’t think that’s when it started though.

A while before I had a fight with someone who is no longer my friend because she was so rude and refused to grow up and I knew if I’d stayed with her she’d drag me down to her level. I tried telling her that she needs help, to move forward and she got really defensive so I got verbally aggressive (I wrote a blog post about it)

On my cousin’s hen night she accused me of “acting up” because I got so upset that something went wrong as I was so worried about spoiling her night and I did. She then called me to “clear the air” only to twist my words and basically show how ignorant and spoiled she truly is. I used to respect her, not any more, I barely see or talk to her anymore by choice.

Another time I “went out” with someone for a while but that turned really messed up and then recently they went into my friend’s place of work and started hitting on her! and at this time he had a girlfriend which he got not long after being with me. How fucked up is that? I got my friend to add him on facebook to keep track of him and I said if he tries anything on her I would legit make his life hell (petty I know) at the time revenge was on the brain he hasn’t tried anything yet thank God for him, I’m just waiting for an excuse to hurt him like he hurt me.

I think my problem with being so nice was that a lot of people would take advantage of that, use me and hurt me and then I would wonder why they hurt because I was so nice causing me to become confused and frustrated. I think (I’m not sure when) something snapped and I got sick of being walked on and having my own kindness lead to so much pain. So now like recently, I was very hostile to some professionals because I didn’t trust them because I’ve been let down by the people who are supposed to help me so many times.

I think its all about finding balance between kind to yourself and to others. Identifying when someone or a situation is not good for you and learning that it’s okay to say “no” its okay to put yourself first because a lot of times that’s what everyone else does no matter how nice you are to them. Here’s another new song that I feel goes well with what I’ve said:

thank you for reading,

NI2M ❤