REJECTION WITH BPD

I’ve lost count how many jobs I applied for and times I got rejected before I finally got a really good job. It was a temporary contract though so now I’m back on the market looking for a new job. After my previous success I had high hopes for the next application I made, only to get rejected again. I found it hard to cope after that, I felt like my world had been rocked but I didn’t really pay attention to those feelings until my most recent job application.

I’d wanted to do some prep before the interview but when I tried to research and prepare my answers thoughts such as “this is pointless” “I’m not good enough” and “what’s the point in trying if they’re just going to reject me” started invading my mind. I got really upset and abandoned the mission. I struggled to understand why I was suddenly so depressed when just a month ago I was so hopeful and happy to get a new job. Then after my latest interview it hit me. Rejection.

I hadn’t realised until then just how much my BPD still affects me. The reason I was so hopeful back in January was because of my previous success but then I got rejected and that affected my mood.

You see, people with BPD try so hard to be accepted, to avoid rejection from people as well as abandonment. I knew that application rejections happen all the time to everyone but that didn’t stop the hurt. Feeling like I wasn’t good enough or disliked. It was worse when the interviewers would reject me without giving a reason or feedback, so I didn’t know what I did wrong and how I could fix it to be accepted next time.

The job applications, interviews and rejections were a long, disappointing, depressing process. I imagine it would be rough for a “normal” person but everything seems X10 worse when you have BPD. I’m happy I had at least that one successful time though, it has helped me feel more optimistic that someone somewhere will like and accept me. It just feels like finding a needle in a haystack and the harder and longer I have to look the more hopeless and frustrated I get.

Every rejection feels like a slap in the face, even though I know it can’t be personal and questions start swarming my headspace “why didn’t they like me?” “Why do I even bother trying?” “What did I do wrong?” “Why do they hate me?” And on it goes. The other side to how I would react to rejection was blaming “the powers that be” in the company, I remember getting rejected after a trial shift and thinking “that shift leader was a bitch, she probably talked shit about me to the managers” even though she would have been reprimanded for doing something like that so she probably didn’t. I still held a grudge against that poor girl for months.

The first company I ever applied for also rejected me after a trial shift, not long after that they ended up being shut down and I celebrated like “that’s what you get for rejecting me, assholes” as if they rejected me because of some personal vendetta they had against me. I used to take job rejection way too personally so how have I managed to not crumble from all this rejection?

Well, firstly, I’ve been trying to change my concept of rejection, instead of thinking “I wasn’t right for the job” I try thinking “Maybe the job wasn’t right for me”. Thinking this way has helped heal the hurt I felt after being rejected so many times. I also use my free time to plan and do other things I enjoy so I don’t get too bored or isolated. I’ve been going to groups at my local wellbeing centre as well as attending DBT sessions weekly and doing voluntary work on Saturdays. I’d like to start doing more soon to prepare me for paid work again as, when I worked as a Christmas temp, the time and the energy required was overwhelming considering it was my first paid job. Recently I’ve come to accept that I may not be ready for paid work and I should stop pushing myself so hard for a while. For now I think I need to focus on my recovery and hopefully I’ll be able to work in the future.

Read how Val Prozorova overcame anger and fear of rejection while dealing with BPD:

https://themighty.com/2017/06/bpd-borderline-personality-disorder-rejection/

and check out Recovery Mum’s videos on BPD and Rejection:

More videos to show some love:

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BPD’s NEED FOR ATTENTION AND VALIDATION

When you have BPD, your inner world can be in chaos and outsiders don’t often understand why we react the way we do to things. So the actions we take on our feelings can be considered dramatic, an over reaction or something we do for attention. I remember a psychiatrist asking me if I attempted suicide for attention. I don’t know if he thought this because I was a teen, or I have a sister with special needs or he was judging me based on the diagnosis of BPD. Whatever he thought… Fuck him.

Two of the common characteristics is threats of suicide or self harming behavior. When we’re in a fight with someone, we can turn to these behaviors (I once self harmed when my mum got angry with me as that is one of my triggers).  But we may not follow through with them and we often get dismissed as manipulative or attention seeking.

Growing up I was known for being a drama queen and I admit to being a bit of an attention whore, but not on purpose. You see my emotions run deep and they can be so intense they cause eruptive or “dramatic” reactions. What people don’t see however is the thoughts and things that lead up to that reaction.

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I tend to suppress my emotions for fear of them being “wrong”. Its like shaking up a fizzy drink bottle. All the bubbles popping and the pressure desperate to be released until eventually the lid is opened (something triggering happens) and the contents of the bottle (myself) explodes and spills out.

I react in extreme ways, attempting suicide or self harming, not with the intent to manipulate or get attention. But, the emotion that fizzled inside for some time grips me so intensely that suicide seems the best way out or self harm the best way to get relief. Logic really doesn’t get a look in at these times.

Sometimes though we can say what we’re going to do but not act on it. This is usually an act of desperation and fear.  Again, the emotions become so overwhelming that the person with BPD literally has to cry for help, but most of these cries fall on deaf ears and are met with labels of “attention seeker” or “manipulative”

“Attention-seekers like myself are written off as lost causes instead of treated like people who are seriously and constantly hurting, who are only “wasting your time” because they know their own is running out. I want your attention the same way a person drowning wants the attention of a lifeguard, but I can’t scream for help and raise my hand because instead of drowning in water I am drowning in my own heightened emotions.”

Quote from: https://themighty.com/2016/07/borderline-personality-disorder-and-attention-seeking/

Recently I have found myself craving attention and using a lot of social media to get it, trying not to go to extremes to get that attention though. I’d describe my BPD as a child that has been neglected. The disorder is significant as it can relate to past trauma that needs to be dealt with but not by ignoring it. I learned the hard way that pushing aside “negative” feelings is bad and forced positivity can be destructive for someone like me.

You see, a few months at the end of 2018 I decided to put all my focus on spirituality and “being a better person”. I even literally tried to “just think positively” and while it did help for a while there was always BPD, still there, just manifesting itself as obsessions with crystals, witchcraft and self help books. As well as underlying anxiety that if I don’t meditate or stick to a routine then I’m not living right.

The reality hit me when I started work. Interacting with people in a busy environment induced anxiety in me. I found getting up in the mornings hard. I felt out of control of my life and frustrated that I couldn’t “just be happy”. I mean I tried to do everything right! I was meditating, practicing positive affirmations and all that jazz but it wasn’t working and I hated it. I hated myself for not being happy and I ended up self harming badly again. Image result for bpd

BPD had come back like a bitch, I was depressed and dissociating while at work. I didn’t know what to do. I just wanted my colleagues to give me a hug and tell me everything was okay, but I didn’t want to seem needy so I kept quiet for a long time.

Now I’m paying the price as BPD consumes my every thought and action. I not only write blog posts about it but also poems and artwork to explore the depths of my madness. I hate feeling like this, like I’m nothing without the disorder or not important unless I’m struggling. I was getting sick and tired of my life revolving around the BPD which is why I tried so hard to change. Only to end up feeling isolated and grasping on to any scrap of affection I could get. There are times where I wish I had physical wounds from my pain and trauma that I could show people while screaming “LOOK AT ME”.  Trying to get them to understand what I’ve been through, as people seem to only believe what they see.

“One of my biggest BPD symptoms is talking too much about my illness. Because when I’m not talking about it, I feel a lot of negative emotions. I feel alone, unloved, worthless. When I’m talking about my mental health, it’s the only time I feel cared for. I need the attention, the sympathy — I crave it. This leads me to go totally over the top and talk about it constantly. And that drives people away. People feel I am relying on them too much and that I don’t care about them. It makes me appear self-absorbed. The trouble is, when people leave me because of this, it makes me hate myself even more and so I need the attention more than ever and want to talk about my illness more to get that. It’s a vicious cycle.”

Quote from: https://themighty.com/2018/01/attention-seeking-bpd-borderline-personality-disorder/

“The fact of the matter is, I can be a difficult person. I am have trouble regulating my moods, I have the emotional intensity of a toddler, – But when I’m at my worst, that’s when I need the most love and acceptance to help me out of that place. Because really, that’s all anyone with BPD wants, to be loved and accepted for who we are.” – Claire

Quote from: https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/about-mental-health/types-problems/personality-disorders

Resistance To Change

I’ve been doing really well recently, I’ve got back into voluntary work, I start my first paid job next week! And I may be getting another if a friend of mine needs help in her shop over Christmas.

What’s not going so well is the healthy habits I started practising. meditation, positive affirmations and reading self help books. They were working really well but then I started getting into arguments with people (which I actually heard is a normal thing when you’re making changes with your life, especially relationships) and getting really angry with them for not understanding my POV but you can’t force anyone to right?

But since that I have not had the motivation to keep up with the positive habits for two reasons 1) I thought if there are so many shitty people in the world who refuse to take responsibility for their actions and don’t even try to change, why should I?

I’m no saint but I know not everything is my fault either, I used to blame myself for everything but I realise now I’m not responsible for everyone’s feelings or actions, it’s how they choose to react and that’s fine, I can’t hold myself responsible for everything that goes wrong and it is not my duty to keep everyone happy at the price of my own happiness.

Reason number two is if I keep doing the work on myself and life things are just going to keep changing and I’m not sure I’m ready, I’ve come so far already and made some sacrifices to help myself live a better life but I’m stuck again at that stage of change where everything old is gone but nothing new is coming in. Life seems a bit stagnant at the moment and I do want new things but I’m also a bit wary, the possibilities of what could happen at this new job are endless. I also have awesome plans for the new year, I’m excited but also nervous because yes things could get better but things can go wrong as well… Ugh I refuse to self sabotage at this point, I may have made mistakes and I feel bad for them but that does not mean I need to punish myself in order to make it better, I’ve been doing that for years and  its time to stop, forgive myself, forgive others and move on.

Like I said though the motivation to keep up the good work has wilted like I don’t even want to touch my life right now because “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” I feel I’ve done all I can do for now, I got rid of a lot of the old and done some healing work so what next?

Right now meditation, positive affirmations and all that feels stupid even though I know it’s not but recently the rather negative aspect of myself has been at the forefront, saying everything positive is stupid or patronising and reality is a shitshow and I should be more “normal” unfortunately normal to me means being pessimistic. Don’t get too happy or comfortable because something could go wrong at any moment; my motto when I was younger was “never hope for things because you’ll end up disappointed” I know I was a gloomy 9 year old.

I’m proud to say with the help of medication, neurofeedback and self help books I’m not so much like that anymore. This is probably just a rough patch and I’ll be okay. One thing I learned about myself is that no matter what happens to me, I’m very good at bouncing back…

Thanks for reading,

NI2M ❤️

MeetMeOnTheBorderline: Need To Breathe

Surprise, I’m back… This is kind of awkward considering I haven’t used this site in so long. Honestly I don’t know why I stopped writing, my brain just seemed to not want to do it like I couldn’t put my thoughts to paper/screen. I’ve had a lot of problems for months now; drama with friends, I was ill, we thought my sister might die (she’s okay) I’ve had many unsuccessful attempts at getting a job and getting the help I need has proven easier said than done.

All of this led to a suicidal episode where I took an overdose of pills I’d found (my mum hides them all) I ended up in hospital yet again talking to a psychiatrist who was so unempathetic and I honestly felt like I was being attacked by her, she was saying how I shouldn’t have stopped attending therapy and I just thought “what therapy? seeing some random person once every few months where by then I’ve had to help myself? you think that’s therapy?” I sort of said all this through tears and frustration although I don’t think I was that articulate at the time. My dad was with me and he stood up for me.

That was the first time in a long time I let a professional see how I was truly feeling instead of saying what they wanted to hear or what I could remember because I seem to have memory lapses after a “breakdown” I’ve been so dissociated lately, so detached from reality and myself, I’ve been acting without thinking because of all this detachment. I feel so out of control, my sleeping problem has gotten worse and I can barely take care of myself. There’s one good thing about this, its motivated my dad to arrange for me to see someone quicker, I’ve also been offered DBT from the CMHT (Fucking finally)

I have my first appointment with the therapist my dad arranged in a few days time, I hope it goes well. I feel like I might be heading for a panic attack or aggressive outburst again. I feel so suffocated by my thoughts and my chest is so tight from anxiety. I’m just so fed up of being let down again and again. People promising me things and then breaking them, its so infuriating.

On a good note I have been helping myself, I’ve been reading lots of books and making videos about them. It makes me feel good to produce something while doing something I enjoy I wish I could do it for a living. I’ve been discovering a lot of new music recently as well. I think this one really sums up what I’ve been feeling.

 

Thank you for reading,

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Can’t Sleep… as usual

It’s nearly 4 in the morning and I’m still awake. Maybe I shouldn’t have slept during the afternoon and gone out instead.

This morning my mum woke me up to call the recruitment people about when I would start. The Girl on the phone (who was clearly new) basically brushed me off saying they only had one day shift left when I wanted to work nights so we hung up.

My mum and I had like a five minute argument about it until I called them back and said I would take that last shift and start on Monday. I was really pleased finally I had gotten a job after being brushed off by the same people a week ago because of black Friday.

I texted my dad and my friend who already works at where I want to go only to realise looking at the postcode that the recruitment people texted me that I was assigned to the wrong area even though I mentioned to the girl on the phone what area I wanted to work in.

This wouldn’t be a problem if this area was easier to get to but it’s quite far from where I live and I’m expected to start at 7am on Monday. Then starting properly would mean I work 10 hours a day in the winter so I will have to find my way round an unfamiliar area in the dark and I have problems walking round my own neighbourhood in the dark.

So I have to give them another call in a few hours to try and fix this mix up if I can’t I may just take the job anyway. It’s better than nothing right?

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: What’s the point?

Trigger Warning

What’s the point in fighting?

Whats the point in taking my medication?

What’s the point in trying to pick myself up when I just keep sinking lower and lower?

I’ve tried to piece my life back together. Been looking for a job, got brushed off 3 times.

Got back in touch with some good friends but through October it went down hill fast with them.

Started working on a novel and making videos only to lose my willpower to keep doing it.

Started making plans to go to the gym only to find myself drained of energy constantly so sleeping seems the best activity.

Just… what is the point of even trying anymore?

 

 

DepressionDiaries: Group Therapy Part 2- Distraction Techniques + Wise Mind

This session we discussed distraction techniques so when we have distressing feelings we can briefly escape them and calm down, returning to the difficult situation thinking more objectively. Distraction is different from avoidance because avoidance involves never going back and confronting what has distressed you, distraction is where you allow yourself time to calm down before going back to the situation to solve it.

Distraction techniques are especially useful for handling self destructive behaviours. For example I have had anger management problems for years so I have a tendency to think and behave aggressively. Knowing that it is wrong to actually smash someone’s head against a counter because they’ve pissed me off I would often suppress those feelings and push away the thought of wanting to do that but the anger is still there and I feel a craving for violence therefore I self harm thus satisfying my anger without hurting anyone else. However this has had a detrimental affect on me in the long run. What may help me is distracting myself from aggressive thinking by instead  thinking of something calm and happy (easier said than done)

Another way besides positive distracting thoughts is action, something that I believe does work better for me. For example last night I was having particularly bad intrusive thoughts so what I did was spend about an hour reorganising my bookshelves (I have a lot of books) this helped by diverting my attention away from the thoughts on to deciding which book should go where on which shelf; I do this whenever I’m really stressed out making my bookshelves the only organised and neat part of my bedroom.

We also looked at something called “the wise mind” which is a mental state where you are able to balance the demands of the rational and emotional mind. A way of remembering  the wise mind distraction method is ACCEPTS.

A = Activities – Taking your mind off stress by doing an activity such as Arts & Crafts

C = Contributing – Doing something like helping a friend or volunteer work.

C = Comparisons- Comparing your life to someone who has it worse than you ( to be honest I don’t agree with this part, you shouldn’t  really compare the suffering of anyone it’s not a competition)

E = Emotions- triggering different emotions by listening to music or watching something scary or funny to change your mood.

P = Pushing away – leaving a situation physically or mentally until you are ready to return calmer.

T =Thoughts- concentrating your mind on counting or something you like

S= Sensations – Using the sense of touch to take your mind off the distress or “ground” you. E.g. holding an ice cube (commonly used by self harmers)

My Therapy home work is based around ACCEPTS so I’m going to try out each category during the week 🙂

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NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Life Is Not A Race

Everyone is moving so quick these days. We’re all in a hurry to get… somewhere. We race to catch the bus or the train. Everything is about TIME how much time do I have to do this do that? When is the next thing happening?” We spend so much time looking down at our watches or phones checking the time that we’re actually wasting it.

Even when we have time to relax we don’t relax we spend the time thinking about what happened previously or what we need to do next. The world passes by in a blur as we race through it, not taking notice of anyone or anything just our goal.

How fast can I get to university? how fast can I get a job? how fast can I learn this? no matter what I have to be faster than my peers because that makes me better than them… Or does it?

While we spend our time rushing to our next goal thinking about how we can be better than others we’re not really taking the time to enjoy life are we? Its all a blur to those who are going through life faster, everything is fast for them including their heart rate. By being fast and “the best” the stress is greater therefore increasing the risk of both physical and mental health problems. So are the people who are faster than you REALLY better than you?

We seem to treat life like a race, we’re always thinking about the next thing and trying to meet our goals as fast as possible because we believe it will make us “better” than our fellow man (or woman) when really, people who live like that, they’re not really LIVING are they? they’re in a rush to meet their goals and be the first or the best. They seem to be rushing their life like they want to be the quickest to their grave.

So think about that if the fast paced race was too much for you that doesn’t make you weak, by taking the slower route you have the ability to properly LIVE by taking the time to really notice things that faster people cannot because the world is a blur to them but not to you.

Life Is Not A Race… SO take your time and take the next step when you are ready, you’ll more likely be better off in the long run 😉

snail-pace-300x234  NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Christmas Job Disappointment

So a few weeks ago I applied for a job at my favourite bookshop out of town  but I haven’t heard back from them. Just like the bookshop job in another town I applied for in the job hunt begins. 

This was only a part time temporary placement over the christmas holidays but I wanted to do it so I gave them my CV and reference from my former manager at Oxfam. In this reference she said some very good things about me and mentioned the fact that my work on the book section of the shop helped raise book sales.

So I don’t get. I travelled an hour out of town 3 times in one week (the first two times I couldn’t see the manager) to speak to the manager about the job. Does that not show my dedication?

Also my reference is so good and shows how passionate I am about books and reading; not to mention not only did I work in retail but I was a trusted assistant manager even though I only worked at Oxfam for six months. Why wouldn’t they want me?

*sigh* maybe I applied for the Christmas job too late and they’d already chosen people for the job or maybe that’s how unfortunate I am and things just are not meant to work out good for me 😦 

Ah well at least it means I have more time to do absolutely nothing. Haha 😅

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Going Down Hill

I’m going down hill again I can feel it. Like how it happened a year ago. I can’t focus, I’ve tried to do some work but instead I went into a panic attack; tight chest, difficulty breathing, crying and feeling sick. I missed college today because as soon as I woke up I was so tired and I felt like crying. I don’t want to go (to college) I thought to myself.

My half term break wasn’t exactly a break for me thanks to my brother and H but also the fact that I’ve been stressing out about college. I’ve also been let down by a friend who was supposed to be my second model for my portrait photography work but two days ago I messaged her on whatsapp asking her what times she would be free this week to do the shoot… she still hasn’t replied. Honestly I was kind of expecting it as she has let me down twice before but that just makes it worse you know? where you think badly of someone you care about and want it to be wrong but it turns out to be right.

My head feels wrong I think I may have another panic attack. Oh God, I don’t think I can do this whole college thing again. I’m losing motivation, I’m panicking, I’m tired all the damn time, I’ve started hurting myself again and just when things were starting to look up as well…

NI2M ❤