DepressionDiaries: One Year Blogiversary

It’s March 2nd, its been exactly one year since I started Depression Diaries. Back in the days when my blog was just a baby and I had no idea what it would grow to be. I’d actually created my blog in January but we won’t talk about the posts I used to write because they don’t really reflect myself, back then I was trying to be like other bloggers, a blogger I thought I wanted to be.

Depression Diaries started because I had been inspired by bloggers I’d come across who had been brave enough to share their inner most thoughts and feelings, giving insight into life with a mental illness. I was back on sick leave from college and on the verge of giving it up as well as life in general. Depression was pretty much ruling my life and I just thought you know what? if this is a thing I might as well put it to good use. 

The series was created to help me vent and find some solace but also to help others find comfort or gain knowledge. I re- read some of my old posts and realised how far I’ve come in the past year. I am so much more confident online and offline; I feel I can talk about mental illness with confidence and not hide the true nature of it.

When I first started writing the series I was still stuck in that mind set that I had to be cheery and use humour to tone down and filter the raw truth for the sake of not wanting to inconvenience others with my troubles even though I was really suffering. I would use funny pictures and try to feign an optimistic view that was just false. Don’t get me wrong my blogs have always been honest but back in those days I had a filter in my writing that didn’t give the whole picture of me and my life with mental illness.

After a few months of networking with other mental health bloggers I’d grown in confidence enough to remove that filter, I think by then I’d lost practically everything anyway so I didn’t have anything to lose by being completely honest and I found that removing the rose tinted filter from my writing was the best thing I could have done because my blog grew which meant my support network grew as well, Many people have appreciated my honesty and I feel for once I can be truly proud of myself for being so brave and making a difference to people’s lives whether they are mentally ill or know someone who is.

I can still have fun with my posts nowadays but only if I feel I can instead of forcing it like I used to. I’ve surprised myself sometimes by my sense of humour and how I can wield it even in my darkest time.

It’s been a rollercoaster of a journey but I’m glad I’ve had you with me for the ride. This community we’ve got means so much to me, the support and kindness we give eachother and honesty that’s hard to come across offline has given me a place to belong and not feel judged which is something we all need especially if we have a mental illness or few because offline we can be so outcasted and stigmatized by people who know nothing of what it’s like to be mentally ill.

On that note, may our blogs live long and prosper.

NI2M 🎡


DepressionDiaries: MIND Matters

I was with this service called ACE for a while, they basically arrange activities for you to do during your spare time if you have a mental health problem with no work. A lot of their activities I’m doing are with MIND, a charity organisation that work with mentally ill people, I did a fundraiser for them a couple of months back (I have the shirt to prove it, literally)

Today was my first proper session with MIND and we had a university student come in and ask for our help with an app he wanted to create to help people with mental illness. I was the youngest of the group and the others were at least 10 years older than me and more so they didn’t entirely get what apps are but I found myself speaking up a lot more than I thought I would considering I was new and the youngest. I was talking to the student about apps I’ve tried and gave him suggestions based on what I know of my generation and social media.

We also all got into a discussion about mental health services, hospitals, medications etc. The older people were interested in what I had to say and honestly from what they told me about the very little help they got a few years back, services have improved at least a little; It’s still a mess though, at least here in the UK it is. I remember before I went to hospital for my treatment I was very stuck, I was at too high risk for a service called Wellbeing that my GP counsellor referred me to because he wasn’t qualified enough to deal with my trauma and BPD but I was at too low risk to get help from the crisis team.

The Crisis Team… Where do I start with them? as soon as I mentioned them there were groans from my fellow service users, everyone in the UK with a severe mental health problem has likely had to deal with the crisis team, I have multiple times. I’ve had visits from really nice team members but it doesn’t stop the system from being absolute garbage; they treat mental illness like a joke and don’t really take the people they are supposed to be helping seriously. I remember the first time I dealt with them and I had an assessment by an arrogant prick who thought he knew everything and clearly hadn’t listened to me; I told him that my sister has severe autism to the point where she can’t hold a conversation with you and I was telling him that I found that hard to deal with as at the time we were fighting a lot physically (because she can’t communicate properly verbally) and yet what advice does he give me? “Go home and talk to your sister” I could have flipped the coffee table that was separating us and punched him in his smug stupid face.

That wasn’t all, another one I remember was that I was so low that I was disassociating and giving up on life, I didn’t know where I was going or what the point of going on at all was and the crisis team assessor (different one this time, that’s also a thing, you get a different person with different opinions, approaches and personalities practically every time you’re visited) what she said to me was “What do you want me to do?”honestly it sounded like she was just as helpless as I was which was not what I needed. Like I said there were some good ones but they didn’t stick around long; saw them once, maybe twice out of all the times I had the crisis team visit me. Overall the whole group could agree that the crisis team is shit; I’d rather go back to the hospital than deal with them.

Anyway, rant over, the student will be coming back next week to get our stories and ideas, I look forward to it 🙂 As someone so young (18) in the generation where technology is basically your life and apps are downloaded as much as a stamp collector collects stamps combined with my passion for mental health, I’m more than happy to help with his project.

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: What’s happening to me?

A few days ago I started to get really bad anxiety causing breathing, sleeping, eating and stomach problems. More than that my mood swings seem to be far worse than usual, well usual for me anyway.

I mean yeah I have BPD so that can be expected but something is different now. I’m crying or feel the urge to cry a lot and I’m not usually like that. Being bullied and called a crybaby meant I sort of toughened up and don’t cry often but now I’m in tears and a depressive state most of the time.

Other times I’m happy, like, super happy to the point that I’m quite manic and observers would think I’m on drugs but honestly I’m not. I’m usually what’s called a “quiet borderline” I can usually bottle up my intense feelings and keep quiet until I eventually explode but recently I’ve crying, snapping at people and going wild unpredictably and it seems out of my control.

Maybe it’s because I’ve had to go out and meet new people (which I hadn’t done in a while) as part of my care plan.

Or see my nan becoming more frail and exhausted as her hair keeps thinning from the chemo.

Or maybe it’s because I’ve come to realise there’s a lot of gaps in my memory not just from childhood but recently as well am I that detached from reality? So detached that I can remember the lives of fictional characters in stories better than I can remember my own.

Perhaps it’s because Christmas is just around the corner and I have very mixed feelings about it. I’m worried that people won’t like the presents I got them or it will be the wrong size or they will already have it.

I’m excited to both give and receive presents and spend time with my family but I’m sad because I won’t be with my family altogether for long because it might be too much for my nan to have everyone around at once. This Christmas has changed… This is the Christmas where I grow up.

No wonder I’m so all over the place at the moment my impending doom of true adulthood is coming for me.

Anyway I just wanted to vent, I probably won’t be blogging tomorrow. So I hope that tomorrow is a good Christmas for you and I’ll be back soon.




NI2M 🎅🎄🎁

DepressionDiaries: Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time

Yesterday was a brilliant day. I didn’t write about it sooner because I was so exhausted. Myself and a friend went ice skating in the town centre although there was no real ice just smooth plastic, close enough though considering it was my first time putting on skates. 

It wasn’t just my first time skating either I had overheard a conversation between parents and one of their children, they were angry because their daughter wouldn’t skate even though they had already paid for her to do so but she was scared, crying and everything. 

I’d started talking to the child, while her parents were there obviously, reassuring and encouraging her eventually she did go on the “ice” but unfortunately her parents were now preoccupied with her younger siblings. 
I felt bad for her, she was facing her fear and her parents weren’t even paying attention so it was me who congratulated her. It’s sad when a child has to rely on encouragement and support from a stranger, being the oldest sibling is a tough gig but I made her smile and boosted her confidence which felt awesome. 

After that my friend and I went on the carousel it had been so long since I’ve been on one that I couldn’t even remember what it was like. It was fun yesterday though and I felt like I got back the enjoyment of childhood I had forgotten. 

When my mum came to pick me up we had to go to Toys ‘R’ Us to do some Christmas shopping; fair to say I had some fun while I was there XD

Also I’ve had a couple of drinks with my guy friends this evening so I’m a teensy weensy bit tipsy…

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Bibliomania

I’ve recently come across the term Bibliomania which is an obsession with collecting and even hoarding books. Although it is not recognised as a psychological disorder itself it is said to be a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

For years I have bought and collected books but would only read a few of them usually because I didn’t have the time but as soon as I left college just before my 18th birthday I vowed to spend more time actually reading the books I buy.

For my birthday I had around £40 to spend so I went into a bookshop where there was a buy one get one half price sale and spent the money on roughly 6 New books. 

This continued throughout the year, whenever I went out I would buy a book sometimes more if there was a sale or I’d been having a really bad time which was pretty much all the time. I now have over 100 books and I will be getting more for christmas.

I’d said that I have been a book collector for years but it seemed to get worse once I left college and stopped talking to almost everyone I knew there. It’s like I’ve been trying to use books to satisfy my need for a connection to people and there is no better connection that you could have than with story characters especially when the story is told from their point of view.

Recently I started freaking out in a bookshop because I wanted to buy so many books but had to try and control myself because

  1. I’m spending way too much
  2. I already have so many books that I need to read but I haven’t even started.
  3. I need the money to buy Christmas presents for friends and family

I did manage to leave the shop with only one book but it was hard. It probably sounds stupid but maybe if you think about those stereotypical girls who love to buy so many shoes and handbags that they need a walk-in wardrobe and you’ll get the picture of me and books.

I was watching a video about Disney princesses with mental disorders when I came across Bibliomania which was used to describe Belle’s, from Beauty and the Beast, strong liking to books and reading them and how she falls in love with the Beast because of his library. I wondered why I liked her so much…


DepressionDiaries: Christmas Job Disappointment

So a few weeks ago I applied for a job at my favourite bookshop out of town  but I haven’t heard back from them. Just like the bookshop job in another town I applied for in the job hunt begins. 

This was only a part time temporary placement over the christmas holidays but I wanted to do it so I gave them my CV and reference from my former manager at Oxfam. In this reference she said some very good things about me and mentioned the fact that my work on the book section of the shop helped raise book sales.

So I don’t get. I travelled an hour out of town 3 times in one week (the first two times I couldn’t see the manager) to speak to the manager about the job. Does that not show my dedication?

Also my reference is so good and shows how passionate I am about books and reading; not to mention not only did I work in retail but I was a trusted assistant manager even though I only worked at Oxfam for six months. Why wouldn’t they want me?

*sigh* maybe I applied for the Christmas job too late and they’d already chosen people for the job or maybe that’s how unfortunate I am and things just are not meant to work out good for me 😦 

Ah well at least it means I have more time to do absolutely nothing. Haha 😅

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Friend Troubles (strong language)

Ugh why is it so hard to get along with people sometimes? I like someone and care about them but then they do something that pisses me off. I’ve tried to get past grudges because I know that’s a part of my BPD and give people more chances to redeem themselves but to them it must seem like another chance to do the same crap again.
A few weeks ago I’d asked a friend to be my model for my portrait photography project; Now this friend has let me down twice before where she would make plans with me then on the day do something else without telling me until it’s too late but I didn’t want to think of her as a bad friend as I have so few good friends now.

 She agreed to do the shoot and even seemed super excited about doing it. Then last Sunday I messaged her to ask her what times she would be free this week to do the shoot (bearing in mind I had two weeks until deadline day and now it’s even less than that) but guess what? She didn’t even reply!… Again. I waited for three days before messaging her saying “Well if you don’t want to do it, you could have just said” because, you know, that’s the respectful thing to do. Definetly the last time I rely on her.

Another friend got jealous of me hanging around with other people and got all freaked out about how happy I was with them. Clearly forgetting that I invited her to join us to meet them and be a part of our group; an invite she declined which I was cool with until she read my blog post “Like a family” and got upset with me.

So last weekend I arranged to meet up with the same people again and, so this jealous friend didn’t feel left out or freak out on me again,I invited her to join us a second time and for a second time she declined the invite using the EXACT SAME EXCUSE as she did the first time…

My days and people wonder why I prefer to be alone!

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Week 6 At My New College

I don’t really remember anything from the beginning of this week which means it wasn’t very interesting. The last two days (yesterday and today) however were more lively.

Yesterday I was in a really good mood I think it was because I knew what I wanted to do with my work, there were some bouts of frustration but apart from that things were good.

Today I was really nervous because we would be getting our feedback for our first assignment. When I did get my feedback I was devastated because I didn’t do as well as I wanted and I have quite a lot to do for my resubmission alongside our new assignment.

I cried in the bathroom for a while until my friend came to take me to lunch as we were working in the studio together before lesson but we had to eat first.

I was still upset for a while and my friend (we’ll call her Sonia) was trying to make me feel better but really wasn’t she had good intentions though.

We had a lot of fun doing studio work. We played around with make up, positions, lighting and mood. We had a laugh while also being able to get some really good shots which put me in a much better mood.

It’s half term break now so I will be doing some work but I’ll make sure I have a good break especially as I’m going on holiday for a week 🙂

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Speaking Up

We were in the studio. Our teacher had left for a while thinking he could trust us to get on with the task he set. When he left people started moaning that they didn’t want to do anything and I got annoyed with them.

I have depression, I didn’t want to even leave my bed this morning and yet I am here so shut up and get on with the task so we can go to lunch on time. I spend most of my day looking forward to my next meal which is great considering before the ward I had very little interest in eating.

“C’mon guys let’s get on with it” I projected my voice so people would pay attention to me. Eventually the slackers got up and we worked together to model and take photos for eachother.

One of the girls, let’s call her Kiera, had decided to make fun of a picture of this other girl ( let’s make her Jody) which we all found funny but when Jody said we were upsetting her I had the decency to shut up. Whereas others (especially Kiera) didn’t stop and kept poking fun at Jody who I know is sensitive about her appearance even though I think she’s really pretty.

“Guys, this is basically bullying just leave it” I said to them and they calmed down slightly but didn’t delete the photo they were making fun of Jody for. It was my turn to use the camera next so I deleted it instead.

Later on another girl (there are a lot of girls in my class) had to model even though she didn’t want to but she understood everyone has to be the model at least once. Kiera decided to use her phone and take photos of the girl while she was modelling for the photographer. 

At first the girl humoured Kiera  but then had enough and started hiding her face as Kiera also seemed to be making fun of her playing on her sensitivity about her appearance. As if it wasn’t bad enough,what Kiera did next absolutely disgusted me. She set one of the pictures of the girl as the profile picture for a group chat that I’m not involved in, she showed it to me laughing her head off. 

I remember a couple of “friends” taking rather embarassing photos of me and how I caught them  sharing and laughing at them with eachother when I thought they had deleted them. I remember how angry and betrayed I felt so would hate to think how that girl would feel if she knew what Kiera was doing especially if I laughed with her.

“I actually think she looks quite cute” I stated. Which was true even though the girl was messing around in the shot she looked quite adorable…


DepressionDiaries: Week 5 at my new college

This week has been tough. I’ve not been in very good health physically and emotionally. 

I took Tuesday off and went home early on Thursday. Getting up for college today was also difficult. 

Felt quite emotional all week but I think that’s because of PMS. PMS and depression are not a nice mix especially with BPD mood swings.

I had lacked the motivation to do my coursework and felt apprehensive about using people as subjects because we’re working on portrait photography.

I didn’t do any coursework until Thursday and Friday (today) even though the assignment was given to us last monday.

Today wasn’t so bad though once I got out of bed and into college. I had some fun working in a studio, socialised with my peers more than usual and managed to get quite a lot of written work done.

So this week ended better than it had begun…

NI2M ❤