DepressionDiaries: On The Mend

As you can probably tell by my productivity with blogging this week, I’ve been doing better recently, I’ve managed to get out of the house to see a doctor, who gave me the all clear to take my brain meds.

Since I’ve been back on my brain meds my moods are more manageable. My scars are healing up nicely and I’ve managed to clean myself up so I look and feel much better.

I still experience pain and discomfort where my appendix used to be but that’s to be expected as the average recovery from appendicitis surgery is 2-4 weeks so there’s still time before I may worry about needing to go back to the doctor’s.

Here’s what I’ve been up to this week:

Monday- I went to visit my grandparent’s (my aunt’s dog kept parking her bum on my stomach which caused all sorts of discomfort but I didn’t have the heart to push her off) I then finally had Mcdonald’s (sad, I know but I was really looking forward to it)

Wednesday- I went out of town to have lunch, shop and spend time in my favourite bookshop (I bought 3 new fiction books and 2 notebooks, I’ve been through a lot of crap lately so I treated myself, don’t judge me XD ). Stomach pain was pretty bad but I managed to stay out for approximately 6 hours before going home.

Friday- I went to my local MIND centre where I spoke to my mentor, met new people and did some arty stuff. I had some sharp stomach pain and I did panic a little but I managed to pull through it 🙂

Saturday- I went with one of my cousins to see the hotel where she would be having her wedding reception later on this year; I felt out of place there because it was so fancy and I was dressed casually with greasy hair, I’m sure I’ll look better on the day because I’m going to be a bridesmaid!!!  That evening I went to the pub with some friends, I was very anxious as it was my first time out with friends since the operation

Tuesday and Thursday I spent at home to allow myself time to rest

Sunday (today)- I went for a drive with my mum and we stopped at a cafe to have lunch. Simple but it meant I got out of the house.

Overall its been a good week, it had ups and downs as usual with me and my BPD but it was better than the weeks I’ve been having 🙂

NI2M ❤




DepressionDiaries: Post Surgery Depression and Withdrawal 

I haven’t been able to take my mood stabilizers for over a week now because of my surgery and God I need them. Sometimes I would wonder what the point of taking brain meds was but now I remember why.

I am seriously unstable when it comes to moods right now. My thoughts and feelings can change so fast and I’m often either crying my eyes out or laughing my head off.

With my moods there is usually a dominant one. Before I came down with depression it was anxiety where i would get super excited and jittery then do something stupid and have depressive mode kick in and mentally beat me up.

Now though and for the past year at least the dominant mood has been depression. I didn’t realise this was a thing until I looked it up but damn that post surgery depression got me good or is that just my depression using the surgery as ammo?

I would often think about the things I want to do but can’t because of how sensitive my stomach is right now and I hate the thought of accidently ripping open one of my surgical scars so I’m scared to even touch them until they’ve fully healed. It makes me cry just thinking about it.

My self care is appalling, it was before the surgery and now it’s worse because I have a genuine fear of taking my clothes (which is basically just a long shirt and underwear because trousers dig in to my stomach) off for a wash to  touch my scars. It makes me feel sick and want to cry, they look hideous and make me feel ugly.

I can’t look at myself in the mirror with my sickly pale skin, dark circles and entangled bed hair. I’m losing weight from the lack of food I’ve been able to eat and keep down. I never used to be bothered about my appearance I always thought I looked okay but now I hate myself and my body.

Other times I would be in a really good mood though and be able to look at myself in the mirror and laugh in good jest like a best friend would. I would look at my scars and think it could be worse, they’re gross but they will heal in time.

Dear God how much time? It’s my birthday in just over a month and I’m going away for the weekend I want to be able to eat properly  and enjoy myself!

I had a full blown panic attack while writing this, it was like a scene from the exorcist except without the projectile puking thank God. So many thoughts and feelings. Anger, depression, terror and glimpses of happiness from time to time. So much conflict in my head, I need my mood stabilisers but I must consult my GP before going back on them. It’s all a waiting game and unfortunately waiting for things to happen is not my strong point.

NI2M 😖

DepressionDiaries: Blood, Tears and Surgery

This past week has been a nightmare for me. Monday I went into hospital where I had to have many injections and tests the only good thing was the morphine, that was some good stuff, oh and an awesome friend coming to visit me.

Tuesday I had surgery. The doctors didn’t know what to expect but found a really nasty case of appendicitis according to their reports. I woke up from the anaesthesia after three hours absolutely terrified, I was in recovery ward with no one that I knew with nothing but a hospital town and blankets on. I was on that ward for roughly 6 hours until they finally got me a room. My parents and friends were waiting for me and had been for a few hours themselves.

Wednesday I was still in hospital being pumped with medication and barely eating or moving and yet that night I threw up…lovely.

Thursday was better I managed to have some lunch and move about a bit so I was sent home that night. I’m back home now still in a bad way but better than I was in the hospital. I hate hospitals, I cried an awful lot while I was in there not just from pain but fear as well.

I look and feel an absolute mess right now and I hate to look at my stomach because of the scars there. I can’t mix my brain with my pain meds so my emotional and mental state is all over the place.I hope this is all over soon because damn it I want to eat mcdonald’s without fearing it will just come back up.

NI2M 😷

DepressionDiaries: Heading to the hospital… again

I’m in the car on my way to A&E not because of depression or BPD this time. The really bad stomach pains I had a few weeks back have returned along with throwing up every drink or food I try to consume.

My doctor suspects dehydration but she sent me to the hospital for tests as it could be any number of things from a wheat allergy to acute appendicitis or a problem with my ovaries.

I hate hospitals but if that’s what I need to get rid of this pain then I will go. Let’s hope it goes well and they can help me…

I will update when I can next 

NI2M 😷

DepressionDiaries: MIND Matters

I was with this service called ACE for a while, they basically arrange activities for you to do during your spare time if you have a mental health problem with no work. A lot of their activities I’m doing are with MIND, a charity organisation that work with mentally ill people, I did a fundraiser for them a couple of months back (I have the shirt to prove it, literally)

Today was my first proper session with MIND and we had a university student come in and ask for our help with an app he wanted to create to help people with mental illness. I was the youngest of the group and the others were at least 10 years older than me and more so they didn’t entirely get what apps are but I found myself speaking up a lot more than I thought I would considering I was new and the youngest. I was talking to the student about apps I’ve tried and gave him suggestions based on what I know of my generation and social media.

We also all got into a discussion about mental health services, hospitals, medications etc. The older people were interested in what I had to say and honestly from what they told me about the very little help they got a few years back, services have improved at least a little; It’s still a mess though, at least here in the UK it is. I remember before I went to hospital for my treatment I was very stuck, I was at too high risk for a service called Wellbeing that my GP counsellor referred me to because he wasn’t qualified enough to deal with my trauma and BPD but I was at too low risk to get help from the crisis team.

The Crisis Team… Where do I start with them? as soon as I mentioned them there were groans from my fellow service users, everyone in the UK with a severe mental health problem has likely had to deal with the crisis team, I have multiple times. I’ve had visits from really nice team members but it doesn’t stop the system from being absolute garbage; they treat mental illness like a joke and don’t really take the people they are supposed to be helping seriously. I remember the first time I dealt with them and I had an assessment by an arrogant prick who thought he knew everything and clearly hadn’t listened to me; I told him that my sister has severe autism to the point where she can’t hold a conversation with you and I was telling him that I found that hard to deal with as at the time we were fighting a lot physically (because she can’t communicate properly verbally) and yet what advice does he give me? “Go home and talk to your sister” I could have flipped the coffee table that was separating us and punched him in his smug stupid face.

That wasn’t all, another one I remember was that I was so low that I was disassociating and giving up on life, I didn’t know where I was going or what the point of going on at all was and the crisis team assessor (different one this time, that’s also a thing, you get a different person with different opinions, approaches and personalities practically every time you’re visited) what she said to me was “What do you want me to do?”honestly it sounded like she was just as helpless as I was which was not what I needed. Like I said there were some good ones but they didn’t stick around long; saw them once, maybe twice out of all the times I had the crisis team visit me. Overall the whole group could agree that the crisis team is shit; I’d rather go back to the hospital than deal with them.

Anyway, rant over, the student will be coming back next week to get our stories and ideas, I look forward to it 🙂 As someone so young (18) in the generation where technology is basically your life and apps are downloaded as much as a stamp collector collects stamps combined with my passion for mental health, I’m more than happy to help with his project.

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: The Psychology Team

Today after being promised an appointment months ago I finally got to see the psychology team for an assessment.

It was a very difficult session as of course we had to talk about my history including things I find hard to talk about such as my intrusive thoughts and trauma both of which I’ve been trying to keep out of my mind especially the stuff that’s happened recently but the psychologist wanted to know how I ended up being admitted to a psychiatric ward honestly I couldn’t remember the details probably due to detachment/disassociation or something like that, I kept having to try and remember what I wrote on my blog at the time.

When the psychologist asked me what I thought I needed help with I answered fairly easily that I need to work on my relationship with others as keeping friends and getting along with people are things I definitely struggle with.

They’re going to discuss putting me in group therapy which will hopefully help with my interpersonal relationship skills and I’ve been referred to ACE,a service that provides activities for the mentally ill who have a lot of spare time so that should help keep me entertained now that I’ve left college…Again.

After the hour of talking to the psychologist about school, family, friends and everything while she took notes and the student psychologist observed I felt emotional and sick because I had to resurface the memories I wanted to forget and discuss my dark inner thoughts which I had been very reluctant to do but at least I did talk about them. For a while I was down but after grabbing some lunch and doing some Christmas shopping for my parents I did brighten up. Now I just feel drained and dearly want to sleep so I think that’s what I will do now.

'...I just have a general mistrust of people.'

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Coping Tools

We all sometimes need something to get us through the day and while in a psychiatric ward I observed the other patients and noticed that most of them had something that they  were drawn to and would often refer to in the ward for comfort or a sense of normality.
Not just cigarettes, alcohol, drugs or self harm, all of which are very difficult to use on the ward due to many restrictions.

I met a girl who would often have her head in a book during her spare time.

A woman who had a love of make up and used it to pamper other patients by doing their nails.

Others were music. Food. Sport. Lotions & perfumes.

For me it was cuddly toys and blankets. I’d collected about 6 animal soft toys from the hospital shop during my week on the psychiatric ward. 

For the first few days I was there I kept a blanket wrapped round my shoulders. I guess it was for comfort and a little security considering it was the most daunting experience of my life so far.

Even now I am out of the ward and have been for weeks. I still use these comfort things. I keep a small teddy in my college bag at all times so I would have a companion while I’m there.

Others may find it strange but it helps me have the courage to get out of the house and do things so I don’t really care.

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: A Thank you to the Ward Staff


I bought this teddy bear as a token of gratitude to the staff members at the ward I spent time in.

The place was scary (I’ve even been having nightmares about it!) But there were some good points to it. The patients and staff who helped me.

Admittedly during my stay at the ward I wasn’t particularly grateful for the staff but now I’m out and look back on it, There were members of staff that really helped me and even went beyond their duty to help patients.

I’m grateful for those staff members. Particularly a young woman who helped me talk through my problems with family members when I felt misunderstood. She called me to ask if I could spend another night at home when I wasn’t ready to stay, I felt let down and blamed her but I realise because of how young she is she was probably junior and told by one of her seniors to make that call so I no longer blame her.

I admit the care system for mental health here in England is messed up as all hell  but I appreciate the staff that tried their best for patients and feel bad that patients blame them for how the system works but then we never see the powers that be only their minions so who’s going to get the blame?

Nevertheless the ward was a wake up call for me and now I’m officially discharged I look back on my time there as a much needed experience with a positve outcome. I feel like I’ve grown since being on the ward, It was scary and hectic but it helped me a lot, especially the members of staff that took time to show me that they do care and are not just doing their job for the money.

So, Thank you, Ward Staff for helping me get on the right track to recovery. I will deliver this bear when I’m next in your area.


NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Dreams of the Ward (Advice Wanted)

As most of you reading this probably know, I have spent 7 days and 7 nights on a psychiatric ward. I’ve been home and away from the ward for about two weeks now but that doesn’t mean the ward has left me. Since I left I’ve had at least two dreams (more like nightmares) of the ward, at least two that I can recall, there may have been more.

My first dream of the ward involved me being back there but not being allowed to leave. I was screaming, crying and lashing out. I remember how I felt during that dream, I felt trapped.

The second one I had last night. I was on holiday with my dad, his partner and my half brother; we were staying in  this house but all of a sudden random people started joining us in this house, I felt panicked as everywhere I turned someone was there, no locks on the doors and a distinct lack of privacy (like on the ward)

My dad had to take me home to my mum as I had severe anxiety and started throwing up but my mum ended up literally dragging me back to the ward  where I somehow ended up in the room of the verbally aggressive patient but this time we were actually nice to each other! she told me about this party that the ward was having for some reason (there are no ward parties in real life) and when I entered the dining room it didn’t look how I remembered it, the walls were bland with no sign of windows, it was like a prison. Fellow patients seemed to be fighting over me, wanting me to sit with them and trying to turn me against other patients.

Fair to say it was strange, I have to go back to the psychiatric ward for my ward round tomorrow where I’ll probably be getting discharged, maybe I have a subconscious fear of returning to the ward and being made to stay there against my will? I have been trying not to think about ward round knowing how much anxiety talking to professionals brings out in me so maybe the anxiety is expressing itself in my dreams instead?

I don’t know, if you think you know what may be going on with me or you have advice on how to ease my anxiety I would really appreciate it if  you left a comment.

Thank you for reading,


Song of the day:  I’ve Been Worse by Emma Blackery

DepressionDiaries: Quest to gain weight part 4&5

A couple of weeks ago:

K and I discussed portion sizes, she showed me an eat well plate and told me how much of each type of food I should be eating in a day. She gave me a beaker to help measure out  portion sizes. I honestly don’t remember much from this appointment as it was a few weeks ago and so much has happened since then.


I told K that I didn’t meet my portion size goal because I ended up on a psychiatric ward (plus I couldn’t remember what the goal was) but I did tell her that on the ward I got three healthy meals a day at consistent times and I almost always ate the whole plate which she was pleased with.

I asked if she knew of any local boxing classes that I could attend (as a way of venting frustration and staying fit) she recommended me a place that did combat classes and gave me a pass that would allow me to try six classes once a week for free. She arranged a follow up appointment with me for six weeks time to check my progress after these classes.

We checked my weight again and I’ve gained another 3 pounds since my last weight check which was about a month ago I think (honestly I’ve lost track of time) but it means that I am well within the normal BMI which is awesome.

I would like to end this series (quest to gain weight) with a message. I decided to go on this quest for myself no one told me that I was “too skinny” I just wanted to be a bit bigger (honestly I really want some muscles that’s why I want to do combat) so what I’m saying is, if you’re going to make a change make sure it’s for yourself and no one else because that is the best kind of change, no one has the right to tell you that you are “too skinny” “too fat” “too loud” “too quiet” or anything like that because they don’t know you as well as you do therefore they have no right to tell you how to live your life.

As long as you are content with who you are and how you look then that’s the best for you; no one can tell you what will make you happy, that’s something you figure out for yourself and I am pleased with myself for gaining this weight (6 pounds in total) because I did it for myself it’s a change that I wanted and I’m happy with that change.


Song of the day: (One Of Those) Crazy Girls by Paramore