DepressionDiaries: Guinness and Ghosts

I’m back from my weekend away. It was a tiring weekend emotionally. You may remember my paranormal experience in the tower of London, well, last weekend at Jamaica inn (one of the most haunted places in Cornwall) it happened again this time it was more intense.

Friday night into Saturday morning I went ghost hunting around the inn with professional investigators, sceptics, believers and people who seem sensitive to the paranormal like me. I won’t go into detail in case you want to go and experience the inn for yourself which I really recommend but I’ll tell you what happened to me just not who the ghosts are.

We started off the evening with a three course meal and had to sit with our designated groups as there were a lot of us so we got split into groups of three. As it was St Patrick’s day (also my 19th birthday) The inn had a special Guinness alcohol event going on, unfortunately we were only allowed one alcoholic beverage with our meal for the ghost hunt, I didn’t have anything to drink as I wanted to be as sharp minded as possible, my dad had a drink though.

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Our first stop was the haunted rooms. The rooms were small so again we split off into smaller groups into each of the rooms. The first room my dad and I went into I instantly felt a change in the atmosphere, it was weird it was tranquil but also heavy at the same time. We called out the ghosts for a bit and nothing happened but then I sat on the window sill and suddenly I got static vision like a television screen but in my eyes. I then saw a white mist that looked like the side of a head and shoulder, I spoke to it and then reached out to touch it and got a tingling sensation in the hand I used to reach out. My dad thought I was mad but then I spoke to one of the investigators about it and she told me they call the static vision ‘Christmas lights’ and that it’s believed to be the first stage of a spirit manifestation.

In the second room I entered, I sat down on the bed and after a while I felt this pressure on my back like someone was leaning on me but there was no one on the bed with me at least not someone I could see. I did however feel a strong presence on that bed and soon my head got heavy and felt woozy, the investigator and my dad were asking me if I was okay but I didn’t respond because the pull of this presence was so strong and I didn’t want to lose my connection with it. Eventually I did separate from the entity and left the room because it was so intense.

In the ladies’ toilet we all stood in the dark calling out to the spirit who had been heard crying and would turn on taps. I had a bad feeling about being there like I felt sick and I told the investigator I felt queasy and she asked if I wanted to leave the room but, me being the dumbass that I am,  I said no and stayed. We were there for a while asking questions and for the ghost to do something for us and well we got what we came for as suddenly we heard one of the cubicle doors SLAM shut; both me and another girl were close to where the sound came from and we ran away so fast, I don’t think I ever ran so fast in my life!

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We went to the area where the stables used to be, we performed a seance and tried to get the ghosts to move a table. For a long time nothing happened but then a lot of the group left to do something else including my dad but I decided to stay with three other girls and try the table again and OH MY DAYS we started asking questions and the table started moving in response! One of the girls was very sensitive to the spirit so much so that she started crying like she could feel the ghost’s pain. I could feel a bit of the spirit’s sadness but I was trying to block off a connection as I was so tired and what I’d already been experiencing was intense enough.

Things started to quieten down because some people were heading off to bed, my dad joining them. I however, didn’t want the hunt to end so I went with one of the investigators to the gift shop and sat down near the books as the spirit there liked to throw the books off the shelves. Now that didn’t happen and actually this experience was a lot calmer than the others. We spoke to the spirit and asked him/her to move something or play with the dream-catchers for us. Soon that’s what happened, two of the dream-catchers hanging from the ceiling started doing 180 degree turns where as the others were barely moving. I bought myself one of the moving dream-catchers on my last day.

Last thing is we went to the bar and the investigators placed MF detectors (I think that’s what they’re called) in front of the fireplace and asked the ghost who had been throwing glasses to make him/herself known. In response to us, the MF detector went mental, even the investigators were confused as they didn’t think it was supposed to make the sound that it did, they didn’t think it was possible for it to bleep so fast and at such a high frequency and when the spirit was asked to step away from the tech the sound stopped…

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There were other things such as the Ouija board but I really don’t trust those and didn’t use it so I don’t know if the glass was really moving by itself, I did feel something though but I’m not sure. There was also fireplace equipment swaying slightly and I don’t think it was the breeze as those things were heavy still not sure though. Also half way through a film about the inn my dad and I were watching the lights cut out and only the projector was working, again not saying its paranormal because there could have been a switch outside the room controlled by staff or the lights could have been on a timer.

It was a really good weekend and I feel honoured to have experienced what I did during the ghost hunt. I plan on going back there sometime as I absolutely loved it. I felt more interested in reality and like I belonged there and was doing something that I was meant to be doing and enjoyed. Now however its back to the dullness of my everyday life 😦

NI2M ❤

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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DepressionDiaries: Blood, Tears and Surgery

This past week has been a nightmare for me. Monday I went into hospital where I had to have many injections and tests the only good thing was the morphine, that was some good stuff, oh and an awesome friend coming to visit me.

Tuesday I had surgery. The doctors didn’t know what to expect but found a really nasty case of appendicitis according to their reports. I woke up from the anaesthesia after three hours absolutely terrified, I was in recovery ward with no one that I knew with nothing but a hospital town and blankets on. I was on that ward for roughly 6 hours until they finally got me a room. My parents and friends were waiting for me and had been for a few hours themselves.

Wednesday I was still in hospital being pumped with medication and barely eating or moving and yet that night I threw up…lovely.

Thursday was better I managed to have some lunch and move about a bit so I was sent home that night. I’m back home now still in a bad way but better than I was in the hospital. I hate hospitals, I cried an awful lot while I was in there not just from pain but fear as well.

I look and feel an absolute mess right now and I hate to look at my stomach because of the scars there. I can’t mix my brain with my pain meds so my emotional and mental state is all over the place.I hope this is all over soon because damn it I want to eat mcdonald’s without fearing it will just come back up.

NI2M 😷

DepressionDiaries: The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year?

I love Christmas time, always have. The Christmas songs, the food, the excuse to buy loads of stuff and not feel guilty because it’s Christmas.

But this year things will be different. My nana has terminal cancer at age 80 so is far too fragile to cook Christmas dinner and will be too exhausted to have a big Christmas get together like we’ve done for years. 

Instead my mum, sister and myself will have Christmas lunch/dinner at home and visit nan and grandad afterwards for a little while. No dad, no aunt and no cousins to pull a christmas cracker with. 

We’re often so busy with our own lives that we don’t have time to all get together as a family apart from Christmas day and I love it when the whole family gets together.

Unfortunately this year it won’t be like that and while I do still look forward to Christmas a part of me feels sad that things have changed into this so quick. No one knows how long Nana can go on but everyone hopes she can have one last Christmas with us.

I’ve been doing fairly well though considering the circumstances. I’ve done quite a bit of shopping, decorating and making Christmas cards for people, although the depression struggle is still real, its good to have stuff to do so I don’t dwell in misery.

I suppose it could be worse at least I have a warm home and people to celebrate with; I feel bad for those who are alone or homeless at christmas. My prayers go out to those who find this time of year especially difficult 🙏

NI2M 🎄

DepressionDiaries: A bad day

It’s been one of those days where you regret even leaving your bed and going outside.

First I got caught in traffic for TWO HOURS and arrived an hour late to class this morning.

Next my Mac started playing up while I was trying to work. So frustrating.

Then at break time there was hardly anything in the canteen that I wanted to eat so I just picked something at random, I was too hungry to care what it tasted like.

And just when I thought nothing else could go wrong… I lost my favourite bookmark that was a souvenir from my most recent holiday before things went from bad to worse and I ended up in a psychiatric ward.

I’ve been tired (even though I got roughly 7-8hours sleep last night) and grumpy basically all day and about ready to break down crying if anything else went wrong.

Fortunately when I arrived home from college I promptly fell asleep for a couple of hours and woke up in a slightly better mood. 

Sleep and food seem to be the solution I use for all problems which isn’t exactly healthy considering I could be more productive but at least I am eating and sleeping better than I used to.

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Mentally ill because I am Insecure or Insecure because I am Mentally ill???

Today I was out with my mum, sister and my mum’s friend. I was supposed to be in work but I was way too tired after two nights of arriving home and falling asleep late.

I kind of just wanted to stay at home all day but mum wouldn’t let me in case I try to hurt myself while she’s out or something. I didn’t mind going out with them though since we were going to have lunch at this really nice restaurant and you know how much I love eating out.

However for some reason I felt like an inconvenience. My mum had snapped at me a few times, my sister was tormenting me and i felt like I was just being a nuisance, I thought things would be better for them if I just went to work and let them go out without me because they “clearly” didn’t want me there.

By the time it came to lunch I had anxious, depressive thoughts circling my mind. Like I’m not wanted, they’d be better off if I wasn’t here and a blur of many other thoughts.

I started eating but soon stopped, my heart was beating faster, i felt sick and upset. I started asking my mum questions like “do you love me?” “Am I a good daughter?” “Am I a bad person? “Do you want me here?” “Should I have gone to work?” “Are you proud of me?”

I often ask my mum questions like these when I’m feeling insecure and need her reassurance. There was no explanation of why i asked these questions until I was diagnosed with BPD now it makes perfect sense because of the fear of abandonment making me be insecure within myself and relationships (even with my mum)

It’s hard when i get like this because I have a burst of intense emotion and then once I’ve calmed down I become emotionally and physically drained and just want to go home and sleep. I spent the rest of our day out in a bookshop while the others did their own thing, I liked it in there where I can just browse and read books in a peaceful environment where my problems are left outside as I explore the worlds of different characters in all kinds of books. Honestly bookshops seem to be my only safe place besides my bedroom.

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NI2M

Song of the day:  I Hate You I love You by gnash ft. Olivia O’brien

DepressionDiaries: Quest to gain weight Pt. 1

This afternoon I had my second appointment at this health clinic that’s supposed to help you live a healthier life. At my last appointment I found out that I was nearly underweight and I already knew that my diet was awful whenever I did eat something because well I don’t always like eating so when I do eat I want to eat foods that I enjoy, unfortunately these are very sugary and fatty foods.

So myself and the lady that works with me will be working on A) getting me to eat healthier and B) getting me to eat the right portion sizes. I’ve had to keep a food diary over the  past week or so since my first appointment where I would log what I had to eat and when.

In today’s appointment we discussed my breakfast which is usually 2 pain au chocolat and a capri sun both of which amount to the maximum sugar intake I need per day and that’s before it even starts. She showed me how sugary foods can increase my energy for a short period of time and then I would come crashing back down again feeling tired and lethargic (which is a definite problem for me)

So basically, my first step towards eating better is to change what I have for breakfast into something healthier such as toast or cereal and some orange Juice instead of Capri sun which will mean that I have a sustainable amount of energy for longer without having a sugar crash.

I heard that having a healthier diet and eating properly is good for mental health. I hope I’ll find it easier to deal with my depression if I start eating better and also hope to gain a healthy weight in the process.

NI2M

Song of the day:  Emperor’s New Clothes by Panic! at the disco

 

DepresionDiaries: Feeling Sick, Guilty and lonely

I feel so bad today, nothing particularly bad has happened today but I feel bad. I can’t really make sense of it. Yesterday I spent the afternoon with a friend and had a great time, now things have gone down hill again.

My depression has been taunting me for the past 5 days about my blog. Saying how all I’m doing is moaning about how pathetic I am and that no one actually cares about the blog. It’s made me reluctant to blog lately, the only reason I’m blogging now is because my mum convinced me that it would help.

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My weight is a bit of a worry, I had it checked yesterday for this health programme to help me eat better because I barely eat and when I do I eat Junk. My BMI is normal but only just, I’m a bit too close for comfort to being underweight and I’ve lost about a stone (pound) recently.

I’ve barely eaten today I had breakfast then roughly 6 hours later  I had dinner but I didn’t finish it. The reason why is because I spent roughly £50 on books today, I’d just got so excited looking at them all and I realised they were buy one get one half price, I ended up buying 8 books.

After realising what I had just done, I felt bad, I felt like I was wasting the money that one of my aunts gave me and that I would soon run out of money and not be able to help my mum financially. I nearly cried in the restaurant I had dinner in and ended up pushing my plate away from me, feeling sick. I still feel sick from guilt and stress probably but then again I’m not one to go clubbing and I don’t drink often or have any interest in drugs (tried smoking once, I didn’t like it) so at least I’m not spending loads of money on getting wasted just being a bookworm.

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Despite seeing a friend only yesterday, I feel very lonely, like I’m not understood and people only like me for what I can do for them not my personality.Why would anyone like my personality? I suck, you’re reading the blog of a young woman who just spent £50 on books and is building forts and drinking milk from a water bottle, desperately wanting to be a child again because being an adult is just too much for her to handle. There should probably be a name for something like this such as  “New Adult Crisis” or something.

Anyway, sorry for the long post, I’m not sure when the next post will come because of how I’ve been feeling about blogging lately but thank you for reading this one. Goodbye for now

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NI2M

Song of the day:  Words by Skylar Grey 

 

 

DepressionDiaries: Here Comes “The Crash Down”

Over the past 5 -6 days I had been doing really well, I was able to get a lot done, go back to work and enjoy my life. However today I feel like absolute crap, this morning it was difficult to get up, I don’t feel up to doing anything that requires me to leave my bed, my appetite sucks and I feel like crying when there is absolutely no reason to. The only consolation is that I am not suicidal or feel the need to self harm, probably because I’m too tired to muster up the energy to hurt myself.

This has happened  before, I would have a period of time where I would feel great and be able to do what I want and need to do and then one day I’ll wake up and feel awful, I call this “The Crash Down” like I’ve been flying high for a while and all of a sudden I drop straight down to the ground, no parachute or anything.

I’ve switched my phone off so I won’t have to talk to anyone and just want to go back to sleep but I can’t because I’m hungry but I don’t want to eat anything. Hopefully I’ll be okay soon.

NI2M

Song of the day:  Hope of Morning by Icon For Hire

 

 

DepressionDiaries: A Crazy day

You would not believe what happened today in the charity shop I work at…

Practically the whole store has been cleared out because one man bought so much stuff. Bags, scarves, books, homewares, picture frames, toys, games, shoes and jewellery. I’m not sure what he plans on doing with all this stuff but Oxfam got so much money thanks to him. He’s coming back on Monday to buy more stuff!

So I spent most of the afternoon restocking the shop floor with donated stuff from the upper floors. However if he does return on Monday we’re going to need a lot more stock to put on the shop floor when he’s done buying.

Tomorrow I plan on going through all my stuff at home to see what I can take into work to use as back up stock on Monday. That is the downside of so much stuff being bought, we’re running out of stuff to sell!

It’s fair to say that this has probably been my busiest day of work yet so I have been pretty stressed out, what didn’t help was the fact that I hadn’t eaten properly so by the time I left work I was cranky and desperate for food. It meant that I managed to eat all my dinner though at least. My limbs are aching so bad from heavy lifting and carrying things up and down the stairs.

It’s so nice to be back home in my soft bed after a day like today.

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NI2M

 

DepressionDiaries: Appetite problems…

don’t know why but today I just haven’t felt like eating properly. I only had a few bites of my breakfast before I put it aside deciding I didn’t want it anymore. At lunch I had half a sandwich and a small cake. Now I’ve just had dinner well a few mouthfuls of dinner at least.

Nothing today has felt good enough to eat (apart from the small cake) I’ve had little interest in eating today and just shoved small amounts of stuff down my throat so at least I will have eaten something.

Apart from that today has been good, I didn’t have anything to get up for today so I could just chill in my room and not feel guilty because I had nothing to do anyway. So I’ve spent today watching my favourite parts of BBC Merlin. I stopped having anything to do with it for a while because I felt bad for obsessing over something that’s not real but the show has put me in a really good mood, it’s made me laugh and smile (which is difficult nowadays)

NI2M

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