BPD, Jealousy and Envy

I believe we all get jealous at some stage of our lives.  I used to quite a lot.  It used to be so bad at times I could feel it eating away at me and I would develop a strong dislike for someone, but not understanding why. Since starting my medication and neurofeedback therapy, I’ve felt it less often and intense. I still get envious though.  I find what triggers it is someone getting more attention or affection than me eg someone I perceive as being more liked/popular than me. It’s a hard thing to admit and I hate feeling this way but the green eyed monster can be powerful.

When I was attached to someone, this could be my mum or a friend, I would feel very possessive of them. If they had other people around who could fill my shoes, I would fear them leaving me as I tend to see myself as “second best” or the “backup plan”. I truly believed that a friend or family member would leave me as soon as they found someone better. It took me years to accept my mum’s best friend.  Before then I saw her as the enemy, the one taking my mum’s love and attention away from me, the one who my mum would leave me for. As crazy as this appears, this type of thinking makes sense when given my family history.

13704176_1019025018216638_638775516_n

I never really did anything about it though. When the green eyed monster came, I would feel ashamed for not just being happy for the people I loved and I would suppress the feeling. However this envy/jealousy would grow into resentment and bitterness because I didn’t properly address the emotions at the first stage. Thus leading to tension in my relationships with others and paranoid thinking which can morph into serious trust issues and destroy relationships.

I’m more socially isolated at the moment so I don’t experience jealousy as such but more envy.  Social media is a big trigger for this envy. When I think someone is doing better than me with content, followers or praise I find that pit of irrational hatred for the person I see as doing better than me. Like I said, I would see them as competition and I would feel bitterness for myself and life. Why can’t I be as well liked as they are? Why does their site look better than mine? Why isn’t my writing as good as theirs? etc. Then shame would kick in. Why can’t I just be happy for them? Why do I have to be so negative? Why can’t I just be grateful? I have decided to try and understand jealousy/envy instead of pushing it away like I usually do…
jealous love quotes love quotes love jealous quotes

The difference between envy and jealousy:

Envy vs. Jealousy. The main difference between envy and jealousy is that envy is the emotion of coveting what someone else has, while jealousy is the emotion related to fear that something you have will be taken away by someone else.

Quote from: https://www.diffen.com/difference/Envy_vs_Jealousy

so, to summarize, Jealousy relates to personal relationships (romantic, familial and friendly) whereas envy relates to more materialistic things and can be felt towards a complete stranger.

Why do we get jealous or envious?

In DBT emotional regulation, one of the first things we learn is that each emotion has a function, even the ones we deem bad. Each one is there to motivate us to do something either negative or positive. Its not the emotion that’s necessarily bad its the actions we choose to take because of them. For example, Jealousy can motivate us to do better than our third party competition in order to keep the one we cherish and impress them. A negative action to take with Jealousy is to become possessive of a loved one, controlling or clingy to make sure the one you love can’t leave.

Envy can motivate us to push ourselves a bit more so we can do just as well as the person we’re envious of and achieve that success we crave. However this feeling can lead to things like bullying, where you try to tear down the person you deem more successful and happy to make them feel as bad as you. So you see, if we take these emotions and not judge them we can use them to become better friends, partners or family members and achieve more than we thought possible.

38875036_288430361751853_4710511974662799360_n

Artwork by: Unknown

Jealousy and Envy in BPD

Jealousy and envy seem to be more of a problem in those of us with BPD. The jealousy probably stems from our insecurity and fear of abandonment. A blogger (linked below) said that envy in BPD could be due to our chronic sense of emptiness, causing the desire to have what others have that make them happy so that we may know happiness. It could also boil down to the fact that we can feel more intensely than others, which can lead to problematic behaviors when those feelings (i.e jealousy or envy) are not managed properly.

How to combat jealousy and envy (in a healthy way)

Another thing we learn in DBT emotional regulation is Opposite Action where we can choose to calm ourselves by acting the opposite way to how we’re feeling. You observe the emotion, what its motivating you to do and, if the action is deemed ineffective, we can use Opposite Action to neutralize the emotions.

For (a real life) example I was talking to someone via text and they stopped replying. I assumed I said something wrong or that they didn’t like me so I felt anxious and afraid. Because of this I was tempted to keep texting them until they answered, apologize or get angry to grab their attention. I knew that would be wrong so instead I cried while eating cake until I felt sick.

Now, in hindsight, once I checked that my actions would be ineffective or make things worse I could have practiced opposite action which would have been to show self compassion by challenging my assumptions of the worst “they hate me” and practicing self care instead of making myself ill.

tumblr_ngm09qlBaJ1rxqu94o7_640

Image from: comic “working with envy” by Colleen Butters

Here are some OPPOSITE ACTION ideas for envy/jealousy:

  1. Count your blessings “name them one by one, count your blessings don’t you spoil the fun” (sorry, just whenever I came across that phase the song I was taught in school comes to mind lol)
  2. Challenge thoughts instead of acting on them. For example (on social media) think something like “is their life really that perfect? They could just be showing me what they want me to see and not the “ugly” parts of their life”
  3. Appreciate/ be kind to yourself. If you feel envious/ jealous it may be because you’re insecure and have low self esteem. So, take some time to appreciate that you’re doing your best and make a list (or ask a loved one to) of all your achievements and positive qualities.
  4. ACKNOWLEDGE, COMMUNICATE, RESOLVE– demonstrated in the “dealing with jealousy” video linked below. These three steps are more personal for myself as, like I mentioned before, I deal with jealousy by suppressing, withdrawing and leaving the situation unresolved because of the shame I have around the emotion. So this would be a very good Opposite Action for me.
  5. Think about the other person– People with BPD can be so empathetic, I find it hard not to cry when I see someone else cry or be sick when someone else has been. I’m very good at feeling others’ pain even when I don’t want to, I imagine this is the same for a lot of us, being so emotionally sensitive. If we find it easy to feel the pain of others, then we can learn to feel people’s pleasure too by putting ourselves in the shoes of the person we envy. I believe an article linked below mentions MUDITA which is sympathetic joy. I personally would much rather be able to experience people’s joy more than their pain, so I’d like to give this a practice 🙂

Thanks so much for reading and feel free to let me know your experiences with envy/jealousy. Have you been the jealous/envious one before? Have you ever been on the receiving end of jealousy/envy? How do you handle these feelings when they arise?

Take care ❤

Resources:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201103/envy-the-emotion-kept-secret

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/turning-straw-gold/201207/transforming-envy-joy

https://www.borderlineblog.com/envy-envy-and-more-envy.php

https://www.my-borderline-personality-disorder.com/2018/10/bpd-trauma-and-jealousy.html

Advertisements

MeetMeOnTheBorderline: What happened to me?

I was looking back at some of my old posts today to see if anythings changed since I started and well, it has. I used to be so nice, so caring, always putting other people before myself but now not so much. I can be so mean recently, not necessarily out loud but in my head I can not only be mean to myself but others as well. I can come up with an insult for someone in approximately 3 seconds and I can lash out for seemingly no reason.

I remember a few months back some of my friends were acting strange and would start being passive aggressive towards each other while I tried to figure out what the hell was going on and fix things but that only led to them taking their anger out on me and I hated it. It brought back memories of people treating me like dirt just because they could. I don’t think that’s when it started though.

A while before I had a fight with someone who is no longer my friend because she was so rude and refused to grow up and I knew if I’d stayed with her she’d drag me down to her level. I tried telling her that she needs help, to move forward and she got really defensive so I got verbally aggressive (I wrote a blog post about it)

On my cousin’s hen night she accused me of “acting up” because I got so upset that something went wrong as I was so worried about spoiling her night and I did. She then called me to “clear the air” only to twist my words and basically show how ignorant and spoiled she truly is. I used to respect her, not any more, I barely see or talk to her anymore by choice.

Another time I “went out” with someone for a while but that turned really messed up and then recently they went into my friend’s place of work and started hitting on her! and at this time he had a girlfriend which he got not long after being with me. How fucked up is that? I got my friend to add him on facebook to keep track of him and I said if he tries anything on her I would legit make his life hell (petty I know) at the time revenge was on the brain he hasn’t tried anything yet thank God for him, I’m just waiting for an excuse to hurt him like he hurt me.

I think my problem with being so nice was that a lot of people would take advantage of that, use me and hurt me and then I would wonder why they hurt because I was so nice causing me to become confused and frustrated. I think (I’m not sure when) something snapped and I got sick of being walked on and having my own kindness lead to so much pain. So now like recently, I was very hostile to some professionals because I didn’t trust them because I’ve been let down by the people who are supposed to help me so many times.

I think its all about finding balance between kind to yourself and to others. Identifying when someone or a situation is not good for you and learning that it’s okay to say “no” its okay to put yourself first because a lot of times that’s what everyone else does no matter how nice you are to them. Here’s another new song that I feel goes well with what I’ve said:

thank you for reading,

NI2M ❤

MeetMeOnTheBorderline: Need To Breathe

Surprise, I’m back… This is kind of awkward considering I haven’t used this site in so long. Honestly I don’t know why I stopped writing, my brain just seemed to not want to do it like I couldn’t put my thoughts to paper/screen. I’ve had a lot of problems for months now; drama with friends, I was ill, we thought my sister might die (she’s okay) I’ve had many unsuccessful attempts at getting a job and getting the help I need has proven easier said than done.

All of this led to a suicidal episode where I took an overdose of pills I’d found (my mum hides them all) I ended up in hospital yet again talking to a psychiatrist who was so unempathetic and I honestly felt like I was being attacked by her, she was saying how I shouldn’t have stopped attending therapy and I just thought “what therapy? seeing some random person once every few months where by then I’ve had to help myself? you think that’s therapy?” I sort of said all this through tears and frustration although I don’t think I was that articulate at the time. My dad was with me and he stood up for me.

That was the first time in a long time I let a professional see how I was truly feeling instead of saying what they wanted to hear or what I could remember because I seem to have memory lapses after a “breakdown” I’ve been so dissociated lately, so detached from reality and myself, I’ve been acting without thinking because of all this detachment. I feel so out of control, my sleeping problem has gotten worse and I can barely take care of myself. There’s one good thing about this, its motivated my dad to arrange for me to see someone quicker, I’ve also been offered DBT from the CMHT (Fucking finally)

I have my first appointment with the therapist my dad arranged in a few days time, I hope it goes well. I feel like I might be heading for a panic attack or aggressive outburst again. I feel so suffocated by my thoughts and my chest is so tight from anxiety. I’m just so fed up of being let down again and again. People promising me things and then breaking them, its so infuriating.

On a good note I have been helping myself, I’ve been reading lots of books and making videos about them. It makes me feel good to produce something while doing something I enjoy I wish I could do it for a living. I’ve been discovering a lot of new music recently as well. I think this one really sums up what I’ve been feeling.

 

Thank you for reading,

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Nowhere To Turn…

Voices  in my head, Insomnia even worse than usual, Low confidence and getting upset over the smallest of things. Feeling the need to cry everyday and tossing and turning at night. My depression is taking its toll on me again.

I haven’t been around for ages because I didn’t really have anything to talk about, things were okay so I figured there wasn’t really any point in writing a “depression diaries” post considering I wasn’t very depressed, it was lying dormant for weeks but now its back with a vengeance.

I’ve tried talking about it with my friends but they often act as if I hadn’t said anything, they don’t want to talk about it even though mental illness is a big part of who I am and it just feels so lonely. I decided to delete my messaging apps so I would stop excessively checking my phone for the messages I haven’t received. It’s typical that the few people I ACTUALLY want to talk to don’t want to talk to me.

Did I do something wrong? Are they THAT scared of my mental health problems? maybe they’re going through a rough time themselves I know I can go quiet when I’m feeling bad. Maybe I should never have mentioned my depression coming back. It’s just hard that they’re not there for me at the moment and its making me feel worse about everything.

I’ve been worse though I mean I haven’t had a breakdown yet and there is this one friend who’s usually the comedian of the group but he’s taking my mental health very seriously which is good so I’m not completely alone, I guess.

There’s also my mum, dad and siblings who make me feel loved, I just got to try and manage those negative paranoid thoughts that say otherwise. There are also my books which are my escape and just talking about books makes me feel better. I’ve been reading more since my Nan’s death and it seems to be helping.

I think preparing for my cousin’s wedding also occupied my mind and stopped the depression from seeping in because it started soon after  the wedding was over. The wedding went much better than I had expected and it was actually super fun but of course now I’m sinking down into Depression Town. Guess I’ve just go to keep reading and sleep as much as I can even during the day and I should survive this…

NI2M ❤

.

DepressionDiaries: My Brother, Mental Illness and Me

Recently I was on holiday in France with my half brother, his mum and our dad. It was a good holiday and allowed me a break from everything in life but with a mental illness you can’t really have a break in your mind.

On the last day my moods were all over the place mainly because I was honestly dreading going back home. This lead to a breakdown which consisted of snapping at mydad then crying on the porch outside where we were staying. I felt so tempted to just run away, get lost and never have to return home but I had no money and who knows what sort of trouble I would get myself into.

Unfortunately for my 9 year old half brother he had witnessed it all and he was very worried about me. I told him to just leave me and that he wouldn’t understand. After a while a duck came to join me on the porch; I like animals, they’re less complicated than humans so I grabbed some bread and started feeding him/her, it seemed to calm me down.

Once my half brother (we’ll call him Dino because he likes dinosaurs) so once he saw that I had calmed down he came to sit with me on the porch, I gave him the rest of the bread to feed the duck with, he was clearly still worried so I thought I should explain as best as I could.

I said “I have an illness in my brain, it makes it difficult for me to relax and sometimes I get upset for small reasons. I have a lack of relaxing hormones such as serotonin and melatonin so I have to take medicine to help me keep calm”

He had seen me take my melatonin before and asked about it so I said it helps me sleep

“That tablet you saw me take is melatonin and it increases my melatonin levels to help me sleep better and if I don’t take them I can be very tired”

Dino asked me questions which I answered; I made it clear to him that it was not his fault that I was in a bad mood and that it wasn’t dangerous (at least not like our nan’s cancer was) as I’ve had it since I was 6 to which he said…

“Woah, so it’s like you were born with it!” he sounded amazed at that which I couldn’t help but laugh about. It wasn’t long before me and Dino were back to our usual sibling behaviour and he still treats me the same which is good.

I had wanted to explain mental illness to him before considering children as young as him are coming down with depression and anxiety these days so I want to make sure he has some sort of understanding of it.

Some people might disagree and think that he is too young but if one day he does come down with depression and/or anxiety at least he’ll know that he is not the only one and that I would understand without judgement. I left out the BPD aspect of my brain because that would be a lot harder to explain to anyone of any age.

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: The Funeral is nearly here

So it is 2 am where I am right now but I’m very much awake (nothing new there) I’m super uncomfortable because my room is so warm yet the heating is not on so either its summer in England for once or i’m getting ill again ( personally I think the latter is more likely)

Anyway jokes aside in about 10 hours my nan’s funeral will begin honestly I’ve been oddly… okay considering the circumstances, no self harm of suicide attempts (which is new for me) though I feel slightly delirious and may go into hysteria if I don’t calm down soon.

I think that’s my brain’s way of “coping” with everything. I heard that people laugh at funerals sometimes… hope I don’t do that tomorrow (actually later on today)

I’m also going to be facing my 5 year fear of public speaking as I’ve got to read out a poem to the many people that will be there to say goodbye to my nan as she was a kind woman who was loved by many.

So not entirely sure if tomorrow I’ll laugh maniacally or have a nervous breakdown I hope neither. I’m reading the poem for my nan as I think she’d like me to be involved so I hope I can make her proud tomorrow.

I’m so anxious… maybe this will bring home the reality of the situation that my brain seems to be struggling to accept but what will happen then?

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: I Wanna Be Somebody Else

 

Things suck with me right now, granted I’ve not been as bad as I could be but still pretty bad. I’ve spent the past few days annoying myself by imagining myself doing better while in reality I’m just sitting on the sofa or lying in bed staring into space. I see myself going for a run in the rare sunshine, meditating, doing yoga and being at peace with myself and the world. In my imagination I’m active, peaceful and I am healthy but then come back to reality and it is the total opposite.

Honestly I hate myself, I mean what good am I doing? None. I don’t want to socialise with friends, Don’t want to make videos and I had to persuade myself to write this post. I am anything but the healthy person that does good that I want to be; in fact my hair is greasy because I haven’t washed it in days, I’m spending most of my time in my pyjamas and doing absolutely sod all.

Things aren’t going too well with my family either since my Nan’s death. My dad is being rather cruel to his sister (my aunt) and there is conflict about the funeral arrangements. The only people that seem to be able to sort it out is me and my female cousin because well my cousin is pretty tough talking when she needs to be and I don’t really speak up often in conflict so if I do speak people know to listen as it must be important.

Honestly I don’t think my Nan would want this, us fighting, I remember before she died she said something about wanting our family to be together and we are but also… not if that makes sense. Yeah its not a good time to be me right now… writing this was an effort and I don’t think I’ve written enough, I have some sort of block in my head right now that’s stopping me from expressing myself and it is actually hurting me. Back to bed for me I think.

 

Artwork  by: Catherine Hennessey 

Recommended Song for this post:  Don’t Let me Get Me by P!NK

NI2M ❤

 

DepressionDiaries: Reckless Behaviour

 

I’m conflicted about this; a part of myself is proud  for getting away with it another part is worried about what I’m becoming. I stole a pen from a shop, it was quite easy as someone had already done half the job for me (removing the pen from its packaging) which meant I could get out without setting off alarms because the pen had no bar code.

Earlier I had been having a terrible day to the point that I had a breakdown. My mum went into the shop and left me waiting in the car with anger and depression boiling up inside me. I started having fantasies about doing reckless things and how thrilling it would be to break the rules. After a while I gave in to temptation and walked into the shop with my goal to steal something in mind. Conflict inside my head; The angry rebellious teen egging me on and the fearful child worrying reminding me of the possible consequences.

I hovered round the toy/stationary section and I saw a journal, the bar code was only attached by a sleeve that I could easily remove. perhaps too easy I thought to myself I think this massive journal is a bit too ambitious so I put the journal back, it was then that I spotted the neglected brand new pen that had been removed from its packaging and it seemed that someone else already took the other two that was supposed to be in a pack with it.

I picked up the pen, hid it up my coat sleeve and headed for the exit; I’d never felt so scared or excited in my life as I past the security guards and the sensors and made it outside and got back in the car to continue waiting for my mum. Honestly I got a kick out of it and I felt alive straying away from my usual good citizen path but it wasn’t long before the guilt kicked in.

The police are probably going to come to your house

 It’s just a pen  

It starts with a pen the next thing you know it will be a TV  

Other people would rob my charity store at least I’m not as low as they are

 But you’re just as bad as them return the pen 

It’s not fair I should be able to get away with it, everyone else does

Not everyone give them the pen back and apologise

No I’m not doing all that for nothing

It wasn’t even that hard give the damn pen back

No I want to keep it as a trophy

You may see it as a trophy now but when your mood changes it will serve as reminder of your sins and you’ll be riddled with guilt every time you look at it and even if you get rid of it, you’ll have nightmares about that pen.

… That’s a bit of a stretch

It’s the truth besides your mum would be disappointed 

Um… What she don’t know won’t hurt her

She’ll find out, you know she will either through the police or through you because you’ll be overcome by guilt and imagine how that would make her feel. Did she raise a delinquent?

…. No

Then return the pen.

Ugh… Fine!

It was then I grabbed the pen and walked back into the shop I didn’t return it directly as I was afraid they would report me and I would be arrested in front of my mum and bring her shame. So I put it back where I found it and then I remembered something I’d seen on TV where a character made the others believe she lost the key when she had it in her pocket the whole time but when she was ready to go she simply dropped the keys when no one was looking and pretended she’d just found them and picked them up to show everyone.

That’s what I did with the pen, I pretended to be browsing and put the pen back where I found it but then picked it back up with it’s empty packaging and gave it to one of the shop assistants who had been walking by, pretending I’d only just found it, she said “thank you” and I felt a sense of relief wash over me. I’d done it, I got away with it but then I did the right thing and returned it. It took all of my willpower not to bolt out the exit though.

I think my problems are getting worse I read that stuff like this is to do with BPD. I’ve asked for therapy weeks possibly even months ago but nothing and clearly medication is not the be all and end all to my issues. I should probably take my dad’s offer to pay and go private…

 

UPDATE: I wrote this a few days ago on the day that I did it. I didn’t publish it because I feared what people would think of me but I decided that I would give the whole grizzly picture of my mental state as that’s kind of the point of this blog. I’m not bad but I am ill and the illness is getting worse. I’ve got an appointment to see a psychiatrist  in a couple of weeks. I’ll tell her about what’s been happening and see what she says.

NI2M ❤

 

DepressionDiaries: Guinness and Ghosts

I’m back from my weekend away. It was a tiring weekend emotionally. You may remember my paranormal experience in the tower of London, well, last weekend at Jamaica inn (one of the most haunted places in Cornwall) it happened again this time it was more intense.

Friday night into Saturday morning I went ghost hunting around the inn with professional investigators, sceptics, believers and people who seem sensitive to the paranormal like me. I won’t go into detail in case you want to go and experience the inn for yourself which I really recommend but I’ll tell you what happened to me just not who the ghosts are.

We started off the evening with a three course meal and had to sit with our designated groups as there were a lot of us so we got split into groups of three. As it was St Patrick’s day (also my 19th birthday) The inn had a special Guinness alcohol event going on, unfortunately we were only allowed one alcoholic beverage with our meal for the ghost hunt, I didn’t have anything to drink as I wanted to be as sharp minded as possible, my dad had a drink though.

6

Our first stop was the haunted rooms. The rooms were small so again we split off into smaller groups into each of the rooms. The first room my dad and I went into I instantly felt a change in the atmosphere, it was weird it was tranquil but also heavy at the same time. We called out the ghosts for a bit and nothing happened but then I sat on the window sill and suddenly I got static vision like a television screen but in my eyes. I then saw a white mist that looked like the side of a head and shoulder, I spoke to it and then reached out to touch it and got a tingling sensation in the hand I used to reach out. My dad thought I was mad but then I spoke to one of the investigators about it and she told me they call the static vision ‘Christmas lights’ and that it’s believed to be the first stage of a spirit manifestation.

In the second room I entered, I sat down on the bed and after a while I felt this pressure on my back like someone was leaning on me but there was no one on the bed with me at least not someone I could see. I did however feel a strong presence on that bed and soon my head got heavy and felt woozy, the investigator and my dad were asking me if I was okay but I didn’t respond because the pull of this presence was so strong and I didn’t want to lose my connection with it. Eventually I did separate from the entity and left the room because it was so intense.

In the ladies’ toilet we all stood in the dark calling out to the spirit who had been heard crying and would turn on taps. I had a bad feeling about being there like I felt sick and I told the investigator I felt queasy and she asked if I wanted to leave the room but, me being the dumbass that I am,  I said no and stayed. We were there for a while asking questions and for the ghost to do something for us and well we got what we came for as suddenly we heard one of the cubicle doors SLAM shut; both me and another girl were close to where the sound came from and we ran away so fast, I don’t think I ever ran so fast in my life!

74

We went to the area where the stables used to be, we performed a seance and tried to get the ghosts to move a table. For a long time nothing happened but then a lot of the group left to do something else including my dad but I decided to stay with three other girls and try the table again and OH MY DAYS we started asking questions and the table started moving in response! One of the girls was very sensitive to the spirit so much so that she started crying like she could feel the ghost’s pain. I could feel a bit of the spirit’s sadness but I was trying to block off a connection as I was so tired and what I’d already been experiencing was intense enough.

Things started to quieten down because some people were heading off to bed, my dad joining them. I however, didn’t want the hunt to end so I went with one of the investigators to the gift shop and sat down near the books as the spirit there liked to throw the books off the shelves. Now that didn’t happen and actually this experience was a lot calmer than the others. We spoke to the spirit and asked him/her to move something or play with the dream-catchers for us. Soon that’s what happened, two of the dream-catchers hanging from the ceiling started doing 180 degree turns where as the others were barely moving. I bought myself one of the moving dream-catchers on my last day.

Last thing is we went to the bar and the investigators placed MF detectors (I think that’s what they’re called) in front of the fireplace and asked the ghost who had been throwing glasses to make him/herself known. In response to us, the MF detector went mental, even the investigators were confused as they didn’t think it was supposed to make the sound that it did, they didn’t think it was possible for it to bleep so fast and at such a high frequency and when the spirit was asked to step away from the tech the sound stopped…

4

There were other things such as the Ouija board but I really don’t trust those and didn’t use it so I don’t know if the glass was really moving by itself, I did feel something though but I’m not sure. There was also fireplace equipment swaying slightly and I don’t think it was the breeze as those things were heavy still not sure though. Also half way through a film about the inn my dad and I were watching the lights cut out and only the projector was working, again not saying its paranormal because there could have been a switch outside the room controlled by staff or the lights could have been on a timer.

It was a really good weekend and I feel honoured to have experienced what I did during the ghost hunt. I plan on going back there sometime as I absolutely loved it. I felt more interested in reality and like I belonged there and was doing something that I was meant to be doing and enjoyed. Now however its back to the dullness of my everyday life 😦

NI2M ❤

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DepressionDiaries: Home Sickness

Home sickness… this has been a problem for me for as long as I can remember. Specifically if I was separated from my mum; I remember sleeping over at my dad’s house when I was 10 years old because we were going to go to the hospital to meet my new baby half brother together but I was so anxious about being away from my mum that my dad had to take me back to her at midnight.

Actually every holiday I went on with my dad I would have to battle my intense anxiety about being away from home, it wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I got used to being away from home with my dad but that took years of annual holidays with him to achieve. I remember when I was 16 I went away for this thing called NCS (National Citizen Service) and I had to spend 2 weeks away from home, I didn’t make it through the second week.

homesick

A year later  I went on a three day summer school experience where I had to spend two nights at a university to get a taste of what uni life was like. I did make it through those two nights but on the first night my anxiety was awful, I was crying and everything, luckily I’d made a friend who let me stay in her room to talk for a while. The second night I was so exhausted (we went clubbing but with adult supervision and no alcohol, I did a lot of dancing though) that I didn’t have the energy to be anxious besides I was going home the next day.

khfvzus

More recently I was in hospital, both times, I’d cried and panicked and practically begged to go home. I did get through both weeks though (probably the medication they gave me to knock me out helped)

6-8__

 

 

 

Sleepovers with friends were difficult to, I could stay the whole night but I would get very little or even no sleep at all  whereas my friends would be able to sleep soundly and I didn’t want to offend them by making them feel like bad hosts or have them think I was a baby for wanting my mum so I would just… wait in the dark silence for the sun to rise and everyone to wake up instead of telling them I wanted to go home.

 

 

I would wonder why I am this way, I’m 18 (nearly 19) I should be glad to be away from home but that’s how “normal” people my age function. Not me, I have depression and BPD with anxiety  so I can’t be like them. Speaking of my BPD, I have a theory that it is linked to the home sickness I get so badly. You see, BPD occurs when your relationship with your primary attachment is disrupted at an early age (in my case, that would be my dad leaving the family home for his girlfriend when I was 6) but according to psychological studies you develop more than one attachment in case of such disruption; you can have another primary attachment figure (in my case that would be my mum) you can also have secondary attachments (e.g. grandparents, aunts & uncles, guardians/carers)

Since my mum is my other primary attachment figure it makes sense that I would fear losing her (which is the core reasoning of BPD, the fear of losing someone you’re attached to the same way you lost your first primary attachment) when I’m away from my mum I fear that something will befall her or, for whatever reason, I would not be able to return home to her, therefore losing the only other primary attachment figure I have and my dad doesn’t ease that fear because I am not as attached to him as I was before I was 6. He’s been demoted to a secondary attachment figure. So to summarise, My home sickness is my BPD being triggered as a result of being separated from my primary attachment figure.

My dad will be taking me on a weekend away for my 19th birthday soon (we’re going ghost hunting XD ) fingers crossed my separation anxiety doesn’t get the best of me otherwise I’m going to end up like this…

Having-Move-Back-Your-Parents-House

NI2M ❤