Progression Vs Regression

It’s been a really hard week. Lets start from the beginning I started my first proper college day on Monday and… I left early because I couldn’t take it. I was having symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress and could feel myself spiraling down, down, down into this whirlwind of fear, guilt and self hate, I didn’t realise at the time that I was regressing back into my former state and… I quit… to study online instead, I felt this was truly better for me but on day two.

My Therapist was pushing me somewhere I didn’t want to go, I know that’s her job but I just wasn’t ready for it she asked me why I left and what could have been done differently and kept going on and on at me about how I couldn’t keep running away from what I’m scared of and I was just Ugh I didn’t want to look back ( and anyway hadn’t she said we wouldn’t talk about my past because she didn’t want to make me relive it because that hinders progress?) I blanked out most of what she said but it was things that I’d already considered.

I didn’t want to run away that’s why I went back after the first day (which didn’t go well check out this post to know why) I’d lasted three days which is a record for me and my college history of quitting but by day three I KNEW it wasn’t right for me and now my therapist wanted me to question everything AGAIN things that I already been over time and again in my mind (doing what one of my favourite youtubers calls Mental Gymnastics) I was getting so upset I envisioned myself punching the wall and breaking her laptop which I do my neurofeedback on but I didn’t do that instead I started sobbing and my inner child came out; I started tugging at my hair until it hurt I kept saying I wish they (they being my bullies) were dead and how I wanted to kill them for hurting me ( this was how I was when I was about 14/15 and was so overcome by depression and anger that it was a good thing we aren’t allowed guns in my country) this as you can tell was a dangerous place to go back to and I wouldn’t realize how dangerous until later in the week.

Wednesday my rapist’s ex texts me (he’s close to the family and she suffered abuse from him but me and my mum were the only ones who believed her because of what he did to me so we’ve formed a bond) saying that he went to her place to collect his bike after months and that he was saying how sorry he was for what he did blah blah blah (typical abuser speak) and that he wanted her back, this had been going on for a while and I had been talking her through it but then I get a text from her saying she misses him(which is actually normal) but I started panicking thinking what will I do if she goes back to him? then the darkness started to come in, I wanted to murder him so he wouldn’t hurt her or anyone else again (my therapist told me that this was actually normal with cases like mine but when the darkness comes it is terrifying to think what I could be capable of) I ended letting a part of this ruthless rage overcome me and told her the harsh reality of the situation saying that he didn’t love her and if he did hitting her was a fucked up way of showing it, I’d read books about being in abusive relationships and told her the similarities to them in her case. I thought she would be mad at me that she would say I’m lying and go back to him but she didn’t… she thanked me and said she appreciated what I’d said and I was surprised because I’ve never done the ‘be cruel to be kind’ and expected her to hate me for it but she doesn’t in fact we started talking about auditioning for a show together…

This post is already really long and I have more to tell you so I decided to split this into two parts. Part 2 coming soon

Artist: Unknown

Thank you for reading,

NI2M ❤

Advertisements

Starting over is f*cking hard

I didn’t mention this before but I’ve started at another new college to study business I want to study it because it could open so many doors for me professionally and I do want to start my own business as well.

What I don’t want is to be bullied or judged or gossiped about which is what I feared would happen once I came here and it was this fear that landed me in trouble… With myself

You see there was some gossiping but no one was really picking on me and they didn’t seem to be judging me. In fact I think I was being more judgemental than they were.

All through the day my anxiety had been chipping away at me but during lunch I spent some time alone, practised meditation and I was alright until… Sports day

Now I like sports just not doing them with other people especially teenagers. In high school PE (sports class) was an opportunity for my bullies to physically attack me and make it look like an accident.

I’ve had balls thrown at my face, I’d been tripped and pushed, made fun of for the way I run and picked last for teams, exposing just how much of an outsider I was and I hated it.

Nothing like that happened but the fear of it stopped me from doing pretty much anything because no one else wanted to do it and I wanted to fit in for once and not draw any attention to myself.

Eventually it was over and I ended up in the counsellor’s office crying my eyes out and venting all my frustrations that had been piling up for the past couple of weeks. That was also part of the problem, I was so sad, anxious and frustrated but those feelings couldn’t find a way out until today…in college… On my first day.. FML.

I was hoping for a fresh start, that I could put my past behind me and move on, I forgot about Post Traumatic Stress (not the disorder) for me that means remnants of bad experiences are left in the back of my mind only rising when something I associate with that bad experience (i.e. Sports= Bullying) comes up.

I need to look for CBT and DBT therapy, its honestly so frustrating how the mental health team in my town just don’t get it and just dose me up with more medication which (excuse my language) pisses me off and stresses me out even more! they didn’t even want to let me have talking therapy alongside the medication, just the medication but what the hell am I supposed to do in situations like this when I don’t have the necessary tools to overcome the bad thoughts and anxiety?

I’m not anti-medication, it has helped a lot with the emotions but with the thoughts I’m in a constant cycle that I know I need help getting out of. I think I’m going to have to start being more assertive. They say “ask for help” but now it seems like I have to demand it!

In a way though I am thankful for what happened today because it finally meant I could release those pent up emotions and face one of my fears… Being vulnerable in front of people.

I’ll probably get more into that in another post but, for now, thanks for reading ❤️

 

DepressionDiaries: Out Of Balance

Lately I’ve been experiencing only two moods manic af or too depressed to function.

Today/yesterday I spent most of the day feeling awful especially when I had to go to the doctors for a referral to private therapy.

I was so down and low on energy all I wanted to do was sleep and I didn’t know how to answer the doc’s question coherently (I probably sounded a bit rude, my bad)

I had a nap when I returned home and when I woke up my mood had changed to manic/hysteria I felt like smiling and laughing for no reason but they were hollow and not sincere cheeriness.

I still felt tired but my brain was too wired to sleep so I spent the night/early morning eating whatever I could find while pacing around the room. I feel a bit sick now.

I’m not sure if I would say that this is the worst I’ve ever been I mean as I’ve grown I guess my depression and disorder affects me differently as my personality changes. I’m not so fearful about this breakdown as I was last year I guess now I’m just confused and fed up with everything.

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Feeling the Pressure

Him: Hey you free to meet up I need someone to meet feeling lonely right now and just wondering upset atm

Me: Where and when?

Him: Today if possible please. Feel like crying 😢

Me: Okay well I’m already meeting up with a friend. Is it all right if he comes to?

Him: No sorry just might jump off a building sorry

This is a conversation between me and the guy I went on a date with a few weeks ago. Bare in mind we’ve hardly spoken and we don’t really know eachother well.

I actually lied about already meeting up with a friend. I was on facetime with two of them when I was getting these messages and honestly I felt uncomfortable meeting up with him alone so I begged one of them to come with me but then you saw that last message. When he sent that I felt threatened like if I didn’t meet up with him… alone and at night he would hurt himself. I told my friends what he said and immediately alarm bells went off for them as well. So I ended up saying that I couldn’t meet him and my mum never wants me to see him again and I don’t mind that honestly.

He has since apologised for his behaviour but I still don’t trust him, I can feel the colour drain from my face as the dread rushes over me whenever I get a message from him. He wants to see me but I don’t want to see him and I don’t know how to tell him that…

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Group Therapy Part 2- Distraction Techniques + Wise Mind

This session we discussed distraction techniques so when we have distressing feelings we can briefly escape them and calm down, returning to the difficult situation thinking more objectively. Distraction is different from avoidance because avoidance involves never going back and confronting what has distressed you, distraction is where you allow yourself time to calm down before going back to the situation to solve it.

Distraction techniques are especially useful for handling self destructive behaviours. For example I have had anger management problems for years so I have a tendency to think and behave aggressively. Knowing that it is wrong to actually smash someone’s head against a counter because they’ve pissed me off I would often suppress those feelings and push away the thought of wanting to do that but the anger is still there and I feel a craving for violence therefore I self harm thus satisfying my anger without hurting anyone else. However this has had a detrimental affect on me in the long run. What may help me is distracting myself from aggressive thinking by instead  thinking of something calm and happy (easier said than done)

Another way besides positive distracting thoughts is action, something that I believe does work better for me. For example last night I was having particularly bad intrusive thoughts so what I did was spend about an hour reorganising my bookshelves (I have a lot of books) this helped by diverting my attention away from the thoughts on to deciding which book should go where on which shelf; I do this whenever I’m really stressed out making my bookshelves the only organised and neat part of my bedroom.

We also looked at something called “the wise mind” which is a mental state where you are able to balance the demands of the rational and emotional mind. A way of remembering  the wise mind distraction method is ACCEPTS.

A = Activities – Taking your mind off stress by doing an activity such as Arts & Crafts

C = Contributing – Doing something like helping a friend or volunteer work.

C = Comparisons- Comparing your life to someone who has it worse than you ( to be honest I don’t agree with this part, you shouldn’t  really compare the suffering of anyone it’s not a competition)

E = Emotions- triggering different emotions by listening to music or watching something scary or funny to change your mood.

P = Pushing away – leaving a situation physically or mentally until you are ready to return calmer.

T =Thoughts- concentrating your mind on counting or something you like

S= Sensations – Using the sense of touch to take your mind off the distress or “ground” you. E.g. holding an ice cube (commonly used by self harmers)

My Therapy home work is based around ACCEPTS so I’m going to try out each category during the week 🙂

img014

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Group Therapy Part 1 – Waves and Radical Acceptance

Today was my first session of group therapy. Now obviously I can’t say too much about what was said and done but I believe I can give an outline of the session and what I learned from it.

I arrived late because I overslept (great start) but I hadn’t missed much. It was mainly an introduction session. Getting to know one another, what the group was about and stuff like that. 

The thing I wanted to talk about is Radical acceptance. For some reason to me the “radical”word put me on edge but what Radical acceptance means is acknowledging the situation that has caused distress, not judging or criticizing it.

This is because trying to fight or control distressing feelings actually makes things worse for yourself so learning to accept your emotions or past experiences as what they are and riding with them like waves.

The way I see it is building a sandcastle with a wall and everything to protect it from the sea but no matter how thick the sand wall is the intense waves will still damage your sandcastle. So putting up barriers or trying to push the sea (your thoughts/emotions) away is pointless because it will still affect you. 

So accepting and working with the emotions actually makes them (and the sea) calmer causing less damage. Hope that makes sense.

After the session I was already tested on what I’d learned today. My autistic sister started yelling and throwing her toys. An occurence that happens less often these days as both her and I are older but when it does happen it is paricularly stressful. I felt like crying or even hitting her then I wanted to hurt myself for wanting to hurt her it was so bad.

I did stop and think though… I’ve done things like this before when having a meltdown or panic attack. She’s not acting up to purposely ruin things she’s stressed out because she doesn’t understand, if I were to snap or yell back at her it would only distress her more like with me when I have a public meltdown. Didn’t stop my own feelings of distress though; after a while my mum took her out of the restaurant to the shops and while they were away I tried to distract myself by looking through my notes from the session and beginning my draft of this post.

When they came back a while later my sister had calmed down and we could finally order and eat our food, after eating I did feel much better. For some reason my bad moods get worse if I’m hungry.

So if I had responded to my sister’s distress with my own it would have made things worse and would have taken myself and my sister longer to calm down, distressing our mum more in the process (she started crying a bit while my sister shouted her disdain)

So what I learned today is to not judge others or myself harshly on how they deal with difficult situations and emotions because it’s natural and denying it, supressing how you feel can make things much worse in the long run.

NI2M ❤