ORDER AND DISORDER: A BPD ART PROJECT

When I was in highschool I studied art GCSE, our final project before we left school was ‘order and disorder’ bear in mind I wasn’t diagnosed with BPD at the time but I guess a part of me always knew deep down as I found myself more attracted to the ‘disorder’ side of the project.

I hated GCSE art because my teacher was… not very nice, she made everyone’s experience of the class a misery, nothing we ever did was good enough especially me and my former friends, she seemed to have it in for us for some reason.

Anyway, I digress, because of that the only project I felt I could express myself more in was order and disorder but even then I didn’t have complete creative freedom, we had to work in the style of different artists when I just wanted to do my own thing. The project was both the most enjoyable and stressful one of the two years I studied art.

That’s why I decided to re-do it now with the knowledge I have of borderline personality disorder, if I knew I had it back then it would have been such a good way for me to express my experience with it (though my teacher would have probably shot my ideas down in flames)

Nonetheless, looking back at my old work I found some BPD traits being expressed through my art without me knowing at the time.

This one for example:

 

Definitely reminds me of splitting and the ‘black and white thinking’ people with BPD are infamous for. One light side, one dark side. I don’t remember what my intention was with this piece at the time but now I relate it to the switches in personality I can have, especially in anger, and the constant battle I have between the disorder and myself.

 

 

Another one is this:

This was the draft for my final piece and I remember at the time wanting to create this piece symbolising the distorted image everyone can have of themselves. It shows a (fairly) normal girl, looking into a mirror and the reflection having all these jagged lines and colours representing her messy view of herself. I can see now how this relates to BPD as with the disorder I don’t really have a strong sense of self, so my identity is fragmented and distorted to me.

When I look in the mirror, it depends on my mood how I see myself. If I’m feeling happy and confident I see myself as cute or pretty but when I’m depressed I hate what I see in the reflection or often don’t even look into the mirror and I think this work represents that complicated sense of self I had/ still have.

Back to present day and I’ve drafted pretty much all my ideas and today I’ve been making a start on doing the project properly. Back in highschool when we started a new project we would have to create a title page and mind map for it so that’s where I started. I couldn’t think of a good title page but I did the mind map, adding some printed images I used in my old project as I believe they also link to the personality disorder. I’ll also show you some new ones that have inspired this new project. Hope they inspire you too 🙂

IMG_20190127_151051.jpg  ed888672522eb8438befdd5b91e3c418--artist-art-artsy-fartsy By Kate Louise Powell

 

understanding2 hada By Unknown

empath-or-highly-sensitive1 original by Meggie Wood

the_dark_butterfly_by_baxiaart-db69c5k images (1) By Unknown

Music:

 

 

 

 

 

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I Try My Hand At Being A BookTuber 

This video I didn’t feel like talking seriously and have got back into reading with a vengeance so thought I would make a video about the books I plan to read over the summer. Let me know if you want me to do a video review of these books 🙂

Thanks for reading/watching

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Scatter Brain

I have a bunch of ideas rattling around inside my brain for new blog posts from over the last few days (there at least 7 posts waiting to be written and published) Thing is I find it really difficult to maintain inspiration so I post during those windows when I am inspired to write something, unfortunately I often end up putting other ideas on hold so I can focus on the one but then my inspiration goes and the other ideas get neglected.

It’s the same with stories, I know I want to write a book and I’ve had a few ideas but thing is, like I said I can’t really maintain my inspiration and enthusiasm for an idea so I tend to start writing the story but then not continue it because I no longer care for it and have moved on to the next idea.

My brain is always a jumble of many ideas and thoughts which are hard to control so I can’t really dedicate my time to writing a full novel or publish all my blog posts. My brain is pretty bad at attention and concentration because of this, some days, I can’t even watch a 10 minute video without getting distracted and going on to something else.

I spend way too much time inside my head and not enough time focusing on the real world. I should really work on that (Seriously I got distracted while writing this blog post at least 5 times)

Screen-shot-2014-03-25-at-8_42_38-AM

 

NI2M

Song of the day: Happy Hurts by Icon For Hire

 

DepressionDiaries: Imaginary Friends

Growing up, I was very imaginative. I liked coming up with stories, pretending to be different people and, like a lot of children, I had imaginary friends. I don’t quite remember them all but I found a drawing I got my mum or dad (can’t remember ) to do for me, it was a drawing of an imaginary family that I had created. It included a grandma, a grandfather and three grandchildren; no idea why 5 year old me didn’t include the parents and at one point, my mum told me, that I had gotten rid of the grandfather in the family (probably after my dad left) so that was one set of my imaginary people collection.

Another imaginary that I have a memory of is an alien, yep, I had an imaginary alien friend, no idea what happened to him, I think I must have sent him back on his spaceship. I also remember having an imaginary friend who was a girl but then I decided I wanted a boy imaginary friend instead so I “broke it off” (remembering these things and writing them down is making me laugh, I took my relationships with these imaginary friends so seriously! XD )

It was at this point that I had created Ollie. I remember him because I had him around until I was about 13 (I know its strange for a 13 year old to have an imaginary friend but I had/have issues, so don’t judge me) Ollie was with me practically all the time, at school, at home, anywhere. I guess it was because I was lonely (probably due to my undiagnosed BPD) I had friends but often felt misunderstood but Ollie understood because he was a part of my mind. I remember pretending that me and Ollie could communicate telepathically so I wouldn’t have to talk to him out loud and have people think I was stranger than I already was to them.

Although in year 5 I remember making a Christmas card for Ollie and some nosy bitch grabbing the card and showing it to others as it said “to Ollie, my best imaginary friend” and it was one of them times that I actually defended myself by snatching the card off her and telling her to “don’t show everyone!” not in an embarrassed way just pure anger at what a bitch she was, I haven’t seen her since primary school, I wonder if she’s still a bitch…

Anyway for about the three years that I had Ollie with me, he had made me feel less alone and brought me more confidence, Kind of sad, really but then I got myself a real best friend. Unfortunately we are not close anymore but for 4-5 years she was my best friend, I still miss the old times with her sometimes but you know, we both had to grow up and go our separate ways eventually.

I still miss having Ollie around sometimes, especially when I’m feeling lonely but then I remember, I’m 18, I’m too old to have an imaginary friend.Screw adulthood, I want to be a kid again.

adulting-660x445

 

NI2M

 

Song of the day:  Beautiful Things by SayWeCanFly

DepressionDiaries: Feels good to not be graded

I don’t think I’ve actually drawn anything since I did art in high school. Fair to say I was put off it because my art teacher always wanted our work to be done HER way even though art is supposed to be about self expression. I flunked art because my work didn’t meet a “good enough criteria” since then I was put off art because it felt like something I had to be good at and do to a certain standard. No freedom to it.

Today however I was inspired to draw again by a book turned movie called ‘It’s kind of a funny story’ I won’t go into too much detail about it  because you know… spoilers but I decided to draw my favourite character called Noelle.

image

 

I doubt it’s something that my old art teacher would approve of but I like it. It feels good to do something for myself and not for a grade.

 

NI2M

Song of the day: Heart Attack by Demi Lovato