Working With My Inner Child

My childhood was not fun, my mental health issues started at 6 and forgot everything before that, my childhood involved a lot of trauma and I don’t remember who I was before that trauma but I remember who I became. I was very destructive in nature tearing down my own dad with harsh words, nearly stabbing my rapist with a fork, getting into silly fights that got physical in school and crying nearly everyday. As I write this I remember the pain and the loneliness child me felt so deeply then to grow up and have that pain invalidated and overlooked not just by others but myself as well was just another trauma added to the list.

You see I was bullied for being so sensitive and soon I learned to suppress my feelings and be afraid of my anger because to everyone else it was unjustified so I started to push the pain away; cried alone in my room, self harmed to get my anger out because I didn’t see any other way , my self esteem was shit so anything I created I would put down because I would hear my stupid teachers’ say in my head I did it wrong or it’s not good enough. I couldn’t express my anger in school or to my family because it was wrong and nothing I created was good enough and that would just make me even more upset.

You’re probably thinking why are you writing this if its so painful? and my answer is the reason why I started this blog in the first place; to express what has already been going on in my head and make sense of it somehow. This blog has been the only way I felt free to express myself and I feel like this blog has grown with me since I started but there were things I didn’t get into because I didn’t want to look and was told not to look but by not looking the past pounced on me for attention. I ignored little me’s cries for justice and help.

Recently I’ve been visualizing my younger self crying and in pain and I would hug her because really that’s all she wanted; someone to hug her and tell her that it was okay, that she’s not a monster or a freak and that her cries are heard and her feelings matter. Sometimes doing this, I would physically hug myself which is weird but does help.

I wrote this because my inner child was brought to the forefront this past week which I write about here and here but its clear that I need to do a lot of work on myself starting with my inner child…

 

Thank you for reading,

NI2M ❤

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DepressionDiaries: My Sexuality 

I didn’t realise I was attracted to girls until I started going to college. I was extremely reluctant to admit to myself that I may not be straight.

I had a close bond with a girl in high school so close that there was a rumour that she and I were lesbians. Not true because at the time I didn’t even think about other girls in THAT way or even boys. I didn’t like many people in high school and spent most of my energy getting the grades I needed to get the hell out of there instead of relationships.

Nevertheless this friend and I received relentless bullying from most of our year group (the ring leader actually turned out to be gay herself, she’s got a girlfriend now)

This experience made me feel guilty and disgusted with myself when I did start thinking of dating girls as well as boys. It was also around the time I failed my exams so that on top of questioning my sexuality meant my depression had a lot of ammo.

It’s not all girls or all boys I like. Some girls I could see myself with but others (such as the girls I knew in high school) I think hell no. Same with boys some I like, others I don’t. I’m more the type to fall for one person very hard at a time. I’m still not over my former college crush even though we don’t see each other anymore.

I started joining Facebook groups for young people in the LGBTQ+ community to give me a place to belong and I made a friend in college who was also bi (we don’t talk anymore) so for months I had their support instead of that of my family because not even my mum knew (though I had been dropping hints)

I came out to my mum in I think the strangest way possible. I had tried smoking and my mum found the cigarrettes; she was so mad at me and I thought well in the shadow of me smoking being bi doesn’t look so bad so as my mum was ranting I said “I’m Bi”

She paused, tension in the air, I knew she didn’t have a problem with homosexuality but she had said something like “being bi is just being greedy” before which made me worry about what she would think when I came out. Her response was “Are you sure?” And I could have laughed if it wasn’t so serious.

I’d explained that my sexuality had been bothering me for some time and on top of college problems it made my brain a mess with all the conflict and self disgust going on. Which is why I tried smoking, I wanted some kind of stress relief besides self harming (I didn’t like smoking though so I just went back to self injury) she eventually came to terms with it and understood, though she was more bothered by the fact that I’d been smoking.

With my dad it was a similar response. I went to lunch with him one afternoon where I had decided I would tell him the news. I did and his response was “when did you decide this?” again I nearly burst out laughing but he was cool with it.

With friends I came out on Facebook, some I messaged personally but on New years day 2016 I decided to see who truly mattered so I came out in a facebook status and basically told anyone who has a problem with my sexuality to get lost. Luckily for me pretty much everyone supported me and didn’t treat me any differently which I am truly thankful for considering the years of bullying I had linked to sexuality.

Honestly right now I’m not interested in pursuing a relationship with anyone at least until I get most of my act together. I’ve had offers but declined, the person who I go out with will have to be very special and I just haven’t found that girl or boy yet.

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Media and Mental illness

We’ve come a long way in our knowledge and treatment of mental illness but there are still setbacks. Stigma that hasn’t been challenged and is in fact encouraged by the media.

Have you heard of the movie Split? I haven’t seen it but the trailer was enough to agitate me. It’s basically about a group of girls who get kidnapped by a man with Multiple Personality Disorder also known as Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) what annoyed me about this movie was that the man with DID was portrayed as the villain in this horror tale. If you haven’t seen it yet, here’s the trailer, so you know what I’m talking about:

How is this going to help erase the stigma surrounding mental illness? DID is a result of trauma and is a very serious condition. The person develops DID in order to protect themselves from the pain of the abuse they’ve suffered; Admittedly it does appear scary to onlookers but sufferers of the disorder need help and should not be exploited for the entertainment of others.

Portraying people with a mental illness as crazed killers will just make people fear us and further isolate us from society. We are human and mental illness is not a choice. When we get physically injured our body puts us through a lot of pain with bruising and bleeding until we eventually heal. It’s the same with mental illness, when we experience something our brains cannot handle, it takes damage and needs time to heal itself.

Now obviously it’s less easy to treat and heal mental illnesses because they cannot be seen and only a few symptoms show, this is why it’s so difficult for people without a mental illness to understand it and portraying those with mental illness in such a bad light will make things worse for everyone. Those with a mental illness will continue to be shamed and those without a mental illness will live in fear of us. So stigma like this is not good for anyone.

So you remember the breakdown of Britney Spears? And how newspapers mocked her for it? Exposing her to all sorts of unwanted attention when she was at her most vulnerable? Let me show you some of the articles:

These so called “journalists” claimed to know the real story when in reality it’s impossible to understand someone’s mind when you are not them so claiming to have the “inside info” is just a way of getting people’s attention for money and using someone who is mentally vulnerable and their ordeal for the writers’ own selfish gain. I just thank God that Britney got through it and is doing better nowadays.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now to look at the opposite side of the media. A woman who uses it for good, Demi Lovato. She has Bipolar Disorder and has suffered from eating disorders and an addiction to self harm but since her diagnosis of bipolar she has stood up and spoken up about mental illness. Talking about it in chat shows and magazines without shame. She is truly an inspiration and has helped the mental health community by giving us a voice in the public eye and with her many of us have stood up to be counted using social media as our platform.

So you see, the media can be terrible for us but can also be used as a force for good if we take control by blogging, making videos and even tweeting about the realities of living with a mental illness to eradicate stigma.

Now clearly because the movie Split is a 2017 movie we still have a lot of work to do when it comes to the media and how they deal with mental illness but we’ve improved since 2007 (the year of Britney’s Breakdown) so let’s not give up and keeping talking about mental illness until it’s no longer a taboo subject…

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NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: My 2016 (Found It XD)

Fair to say this year has been tough I dare say even tougher than the years of high school where I was bullied.

This year I’ve had to overcome failure and a lot of disappointment. Come to terms with taking medication and get to grips with a new diagnosis. I’ve lost friends and lost my damn mind!

Honestly I’m surprised I’m still here after the amount of suicidal episodes I’ve had this year I think it was an episode every month, fun times (!)

Key Events of this year are;

  • Coming out as bisexual
  • Spending a week on a psychiatric ward
  • Learning my nan has terminal cancer
  • Starting this blog
  • Leaving college… Twice

I don’t think I’ve spoken about my sexuality on here before but there you go. I came out on New year’s day last year and was lucky to have the support that I had. I may talk about it in more detail another time but now I’m getting ready to welcome the new year and hope that it will be better than the last.

I’ve decided to avoid making new years resolutions because if I don’t meet the goals I set myself I’ll get really frustrated and cause all sorts of problems for myself.

I’ve got plenty of things to look forward to in 2017 though. For my birthday my dad is taking me ghost hunting! May not be an ideal present for most people but for me it’s awesome.

I might even be going to Paris and Disneyland with him, granted his girlfriend and My half brorher would be joining us, but I won’t let them ruin Disneyland for me.

My female cousin is getting married in August and I get to be a bridesmaid!!!

But also I have a feeling my nan will leave us in 2017 so I’m bracing myself for that…

Anyway Happy New Year, folks. Let’s hope it’s better than the last!

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NI2M ❤

By the way, This post went missing because I accidently scheduled it to be published on January 1st 2016 instead of 17 XD

DepressionDiaries: The Psychology Team

Today after being promised an appointment months ago I finally got to see the psychology team for an assessment.

It was a very difficult session as of course we had to talk about my history including things I find hard to talk about such as my intrusive thoughts and trauma both of which I’ve been trying to keep out of my mind especially the stuff that’s happened recently but the psychologist wanted to know how I ended up being admitted to a psychiatric ward honestly I couldn’t remember the details probably due to detachment/disassociation or something like that, I kept having to try and remember what I wrote on my blog at the time.

When the psychologist asked me what I thought I needed help with I answered fairly easily that I need to work on my relationship with others as keeping friends and getting along with people are things I definitely struggle with.

They’re going to discuss putting me in group therapy which will hopefully help with my interpersonal relationship skills and I’ve been referred to ACE,a service that provides activities for the mentally ill who have a lot of spare time so that should help keep me entertained now that I’ve left college…Again.

After the hour of talking to the psychologist about school, family, friends and everything while she took notes and the student psychologist observed I felt emotional and sick because I had to resurface the memories I wanted to forget and discuss my dark inner thoughts which I had been very reluctant to do but at least I did talk about them. For a while I was down but after grabbing some lunch and doing some Christmas shopping for my parents I did brighten up. Now I just feel drained and dearly want to sleep so I think that’s what I will do now.

'...I just have a general mistrust of people.'

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Why I Never Liked Having Siblings

Now this is not to say that I don’t like my siblings themselves it’s more me expressing how I felt about the lifestyle I had growing up that may have contributed to my mental health issues.

My sister has special needs and while I understand now that she got treated differently because she needed to be, at the time, as a child I thought it was unfair. I felt overshadowed by my sister because her needs were often greater than mine.

When my dad left the family home. I was 6 and my sister was 10 but I became a second parent to her and I still am to this day because it’s not easy looking after a child on your own especially one with special needs. I helped my mum as best I could but I held resentment towards not just my dad but also my sister.

A thing I didn’t tell my mum until recently was that my sister during her teenage years had started physically hurting me. Scratches. Punches. Kicks and I never said or did anything about it because she has autism so I thought it would be wrong if I fought back.

Eventually when I was about 14 I stopped taking her abuse and started fighting back. She feared me and my uncontrollable anger but I didn’t care.

I was being bullied at school and the last thing I wanted was to be bullied at home as well. Nowadays I don’t have to resort to physical violence I just have to change my tone of voice and glare at her.

It’s usually when she goes to hurt me or mum that I get defensive but she’s improved now so it’s not often that I have to step in. Although when she goes into one of her tantrums it is very upsetting.

When I was 10 my half brother came along when he was younger I adored him. I would play games with him, read him stories but something wasn’t quite right in my relationship with him as well. 

As he grew up it was clear he was a spoiled brat and still is (it’s not just me that thinks that, other family members do as well) I don’t blame him though my dad let him get away with more than he ever let my sister and myself get away with (for example hitting out) and his mother has a habit of spoiling him or changing the rules to make him happy. I think they just wanted a quiet life so gave him what he wanted to shut him up but that just made him grow up to be quite nasty.

I felt used by his mother and dad because every outing was about him and I was basically the babysitter. It wasn’t until I became so mentally ill that I ended up in hospital that my relationship with dad got better and my needs has taken priority with Both parents. 

It’s not that I ever wanted to have depression or BPD for attention in fact I would love to be less miserable and be better at personal relationships. 

I’m just saying the truth at least from my perspective that things had to get so bad that I attempted suicide to finally be brought out of the shadow my siblings had casted over me.

Both siblings tend not to mess with me now because I refuse to take their crap lying down, I’ve had enough of it but my way with them seems to have worked. They are nicer than they would be if I didn’t challenge them. Seriously where would my parents be without me?

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Speaking Up

We were in the studio. Our teacher had left for a while thinking he could trust us to get on with the task he set. When he left people started moaning that they didn’t want to do anything and I got annoyed with them.

I have depression, I didn’t want to even leave my bed this morning and yet I am here so shut up and get on with the task so we can go to lunch on time. I spend most of my day looking forward to my next meal which is great considering before the ward I had very little interest in eating.

“C’mon guys let’s get on with it” I projected my voice so people would pay attention to me. Eventually the slackers got up and we worked together to model and take photos for eachother.

One of the girls, let’s call her Kiera, had decided to make fun of a picture of this other girl ( let’s make her Jody) which we all found funny but when Jody said we were upsetting her I had the decency to shut up. Whereas others (especially Kiera) didn’t stop and kept poking fun at Jody who I know is sensitive about her appearance even though I think she’s really pretty.

“Guys, this is basically bullying just leave it” I said to them and they calmed down slightly but didn’t delete the photo they were making fun of Jody for. It was my turn to use the camera next so I deleted it instead.

Later on another girl (there are a lot of girls in my class) had to model even though she didn’t want to but she understood everyone has to be the model at least once. Kiera decided to use her phone and take photos of the girl while she was modelling for the photographer. 

At first the girl humoured Kiera  but then had enough and started hiding her face as Kiera also seemed to be making fun of her playing on her sensitivity about her appearance. As if it wasn’t bad enough,what Kiera did next absolutely disgusted me. She set one of the pictures of the girl as the profile picture for a group chat that I’m not involved in, she showed it to me laughing her head off. 

I remember a couple of “friends” taking rather embarassing photos of me and how I caught them  sharing and laughing at them with eachother when I thought they had deleted them. I remember how angry and betrayed I felt so would hate to think how that girl would feel if she knew what Kiera was doing especially if I laughed with her.

“I actually think she looks quite cute” I stated. Which was true even though the girl was messing around in the shot she looked quite adorable…

NI2M❤

DepressionDiaries: Temptation To Make Her Life Hell

You know you don’t like someone when you can’t bear to see them happy. I’m usually a nice person and try not to be cruel but sometimes the worst of me is brought out when I see someone I hold resentment towards happy.

I saw a former friend who I no longer talk to smiling and laughing with her friends. I felt a flash of anger why is that bitch happy when she treated me like shit?

I felt the temptation to make her life a living hell rise within me. I wanted to make her as miserable as she made me feel but then what would that do for me? 

I would be consumed by so much anger and bitterness that I will never be truly happy. Making her life hell would not make my life any better.

I sort of understand the mentality of a bully which worries me considering a bully is the last thing I want to be. This reflects badly on me as this situation and mentality highlights how insecure and disatisfied I am with my own life.

If I were truly content, that ex friend’s happiness wouldn’t matter to me and I probably wouldn’t even give her a second thought. There’s a long way to go before I become the person I want to be.

NI2M ❤

Song of the day:  Die In A Fire by The Living Tombstone

DepressionDiaries: Suicide Prevention Day


So today is suicide prevention day and I thought I would write a post commemorating it.

Suicide is one of the most common causes of death and while we should be trying to prevent suicide everyday. Today is the day that suicide actually gets spoken about instead of brushed under the rug.

As someone who has attempted suicide multiple times I know how serious the issue is. So let’s talk about it.

Suicide is NOT selfish. People who are suicidal have a strong feeling of hopelessness, they feel trapped with no way of moving forward with their life. They may in fact believe that they are a burden to others and want to end their life so they won’t be a problem to anyone anymore.

The “Shock Factor” does not work. Telling people who are suicidal to “do it” while you may have the intention to shock them out of ending their life and not actually want them to do it. To them it is confirming their fears that people want them dead and will more likely encourage them to do it.

Look out for words or phrases that a person uses. If they say that they feel trapped or that they are a curse or burden to others this could mean that they are suicidal and you need to direct them to the right help ASAP 

If someone confides in you and tells you that they are thinking of ending their life encourage them to get help.

My Useful Resources page contains links to various organisations revolved around mental health and can give advice and support to those who feel suicidal.

Thanks for reading, I hope this helps. Remember that you are not alone…

NI2M❤

DepressionDiaries: A Big Day Tomorrow…


So tomorrow is the day that I enrol at my new college and become an official student there. I’m feeling a mix of excitement and fear at starting over in this new place. I hope it’s better for me than my old college and that I can last at least a year there.

At least having attended a college before I know what approach doesn’t work if you want to do well. Worrying too much about people liking you, having been bullied in high school, at college I didn’t want a repeat of it so I tried hard to be liked and make as many friends as possible.

Stressing about what my peers thought of me occupied most of my brain, the sacrifice was my work, this anxiety interfered with my progress in my subjects.

So this time I’m going to try and focus more on bettering myself and my photography work and hopefully good friendships will form along the way 🙂 

If not I still have have friends so… Whatever.

NI2M

Song of the day:  Now by Paramore