Resistance To Change

I’ve been doing really well recently, I’ve got back into voluntary work, I start my first paid job next week! And I may be getting another if a friend of mine needs help in her shop over Christmas.

What’s not going so well is the healthy habits I started practising. meditation, positive affirmations and reading self help books. They were working really well but then I started getting into arguments with people (which I actually heard is a normal thing when you’re making changes with your life, especially relationships) and getting really angry with them for not understanding my POV but you can’t force anyone to right?

But since that I have not had the motivation to keep up with the positive habits for two reasons 1) I thought if there are so many shitty people in the world who refuse to take responsibility for their actions and don’t even try to change, why should I?

I’m no saint but I know not everything is my fault either, I used to blame myself for everything but I realise now I’m not responsible for everyone’s feelings or actions, it’s how they choose to react and that’s fine, I can’t hold myself responsible for everything that goes wrong and it is not my duty to keep everyone happy at the price of my own happiness.

Reason number two is if I keep doing the work on myself and life things are just going to keep changing and I’m not sure I’m ready, I’ve come so far already and made some sacrifices to help myself live a better life but I’m stuck again at that stage of change where everything old is gone but nothing new is coming in. Life seems a bit stagnant at the moment and I do want new things but I’m also a bit wary, the possibilities of what could happen at this new job are endless. I also have awesome plans for the new year, I’m excited but also nervous because yes things could get better but things can go wrong as well… Ugh I refuse to self sabotage at this point, I may have made mistakes and I feel bad for them but that does not mean I need to punish myself in order to make it better, I’ve been doing that for years and  its time to stop, forgive myself, forgive others and move on.

Like I said though the motivation to keep up the good work has wilted like I don’t even want to touch my life right now because “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” I feel I’ve done all I can do for now, I got rid of a lot of the old and done some healing work so what next?

Right now meditation, positive affirmations and all that feels stupid even though I know it’s not but recently the rather negative aspect of myself has been at the forefront, saying everything positive is stupid or patronising and reality is a shitshow and I should be more “normal” unfortunately normal to me means being pessimistic. Don’t get too happy or comfortable because something could go wrong at any moment; my motto when I was younger was “never hope for things because you’ll end up disappointed” I know I was a gloomy 9 year old.

I’m proud to say with the help of medication, neurofeedback and self help books I’m not so much like that anymore. This is probably just a rough patch and I’ll be okay. One thing I learned about myself is that no matter what happens to me, I’m very good at bouncing back…

Thanks for reading,

NI2M ❤️

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MeetMeOnTheBorderline: Need To Breathe

Surprise, I’m back… This is kind of awkward considering I haven’t used this site in so long. Honestly I don’t know why I stopped writing, my brain just seemed to not want to do it like I couldn’t put my thoughts to paper/screen. I’ve had a lot of problems for months now; drama with friends, I was ill, we thought my sister might die (she’s okay) I’ve had many unsuccessful attempts at getting a job and getting the help I need has proven easier said than done.

All of this led to a suicidal episode where I took an overdose of pills I’d found (my mum hides them all) I ended up in hospital yet again talking to a psychiatrist who was so unempathetic and I honestly felt like I was being attacked by her, she was saying how I shouldn’t have stopped attending therapy and I just thought “what therapy? seeing some random person once every few months where by then I’ve had to help myself? you think that’s therapy?” I sort of said all this through tears and frustration although I don’t think I was that articulate at the time. My dad was with me and he stood up for me.

That was the first time in a long time I let a professional see how I was truly feeling instead of saying what they wanted to hear or what I could remember because I seem to have memory lapses after a “breakdown” I’ve been so dissociated lately, so detached from reality and myself, I’ve been acting without thinking because of all this detachment. I feel so out of control, my sleeping problem has gotten worse and I can barely take care of myself. There’s one good thing about this, its motivated my dad to arrange for me to see someone quicker, I’ve also been offered DBT from the CMHT (Fucking finally)

I have my first appointment with the therapist my dad arranged in a few days time, I hope it goes well. I feel like I might be heading for a panic attack or aggressive outburst again. I feel so suffocated by my thoughts and my chest is so tight from anxiety. I’m just so fed up of being let down again and again. People promising me things and then breaking them, its so infuriating.

On a good note I have been helping myself, I’ve been reading lots of books and making videos about them. It makes me feel good to produce something while doing something I enjoy I wish I could do it for a living. I’ve been discovering a lot of new music recently as well. I think this one really sums up what I’ve been feeling.

 

Thank you for reading,

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Nowhere To Turn…

Voices  in my head, Insomnia even worse than usual, Low confidence and getting upset over the smallest of things. Feeling the need to cry everyday and tossing and turning at night. My depression is taking its toll on me again.

I haven’t been around for ages because I didn’t really have anything to talk about, things were okay so I figured there wasn’t really any point in writing a “depression diaries” post considering I wasn’t very depressed, it was lying dormant for weeks but now its back with a vengeance.

I’ve tried talking about it with my friends but they often act as if I hadn’t said anything, they don’t want to talk about it even though mental illness is a big part of who I am and it just feels so lonely. I decided to delete my messaging apps so I would stop excessively checking my phone for the messages I haven’t received. It’s typical that the few people I ACTUALLY want to talk to don’t want to talk to me.

Did I do something wrong? Are they THAT scared of my mental health problems? maybe they’re going through a rough time themselves I know I can go quiet when I’m feeling bad. Maybe I should never have mentioned my depression coming back. It’s just hard that they’re not there for me at the moment and its making me feel worse about everything.

I’ve been worse though I mean I haven’t had a breakdown yet and there is this one friend who’s usually the comedian of the group but he’s taking my mental health very seriously which is good so I’m not completely alone, I guess.

There’s also my mum, dad and siblings who make me feel loved, I just got to try and manage those negative paranoid thoughts that say otherwise. There are also my books which are my escape and just talking about books makes me feel better. I’ve been reading more since my Nan’s death and it seems to be helping.

I think preparing for my cousin’s wedding also occupied my mind and stopped the depression from seeping in because it started soon after  the wedding was over. The wedding went much better than I had expected and it was actually super fun but of course now I’m sinking down into Depression Town. Guess I’ve just go to keep reading and sleep as much as I can even during the day and I should survive this…

NI2M ❤

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DepressionDiaries: Group Therapy Part 3 Relaxation/Safe place visualisation

This week in group therapy we worked on something called safe place visualisation which is where you imagine a place in your mind that makes you feel calm and safe. We were told to close our eyes and imagine a beach but not just what it looks like but also how it sounds and smells (basically we were doing guided meditation) now I have a very active imagination so my brain kind of wondered into the ocean where I could somehow breathe under water and swim with mermaids. Strange as it was it helped me relax but also have a bit of fun and really make the vision my own. We were told to practise this for roughly 20 minutes a day, with whatever place made us feel happy and relaxed, in the quiet until we could eventually just use the word associated with our safe place and go there on command.

Unfortunately getting any peace and quiet in my house is difficult and my brain would not cooperate as my visions went wild or I got bored. These days I can’t even get any peace in my sleep as I have weird dreams and nightmares, waking up at all hours even when I do take my medication but maybe writing about my ideal safe place will help?

My favourite place to go in real life is a library or bookshop where I am surrounded by books, whenever I enter a bookshop the busy high street and the problems of my life seem to melt away and I am comforted by the tranquility of the place so for me that’s where I like to go to feel better. By imagining being in such a place I am using something called Emotion Memory which means I’m using a memory to trigger a certain feeling (this I learned about in acting class) in this case I am using the memory of one of my favourite places to trigger a feeling of contentment.

I’ll need to put this into practise more but already just by talking/writing about I feel at least a little better than I did before I started writing. So, If you could go anywhere in your mind even a fictional place where would you go?

By the way this kind of environment should be neutral so try not to include anyone you know personally in your vision.

Much love,

NI2M ❤

 

I Try My Hand At Being A BookTuber 

This video I didn’t feel like talking seriously and have got back into reading with a vengeance so thought I would make a video about the books I plan to read over the summer. Let me know if you want me to do a video review of these books 🙂

Thanks for reading/watching

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: On The Mend

As you can probably tell by my productivity with blogging this week, I’ve been doing better recently, I’ve managed to get out of the house to see a doctor, who gave me the all clear to take my brain meds.

Since I’ve been back on my brain meds my moods are more manageable. My scars are healing up nicely and I’ve managed to clean myself up so I look and feel much better.

I still experience pain and discomfort where my appendix used to be but that’s to be expected as the average recovery from appendicitis surgery is 2-4 weeks so there’s still time before I may worry about needing to go back to the doctor’s.

Here’s what I’ve been up to this week:

Monday- I went to visit my grandparent’s (my aunt’s dog kept parking her bum on my stomach which caused all sorts of discomfort but I didn’t have the heart to push her off) I then finally had Mcdonald’s (sad, I know but I was really looking forward to it)

Wednesday- I went out of town to have lunch, shop and spend time in my favourite bookshop (I bought 3 new fiction books and 2 notebooks, I’ve been through a lot of crap lately so I treated myself, don’t judge me XD ). Stomach pain was pretty bad but I managed to stay out for approximately 6 hours before going home.

Friday- I went to my local MIND centre where I spoke to my mentor, met new people and did some arty stuff. I had some sharp stomach pain and I did panic a little but I managed to pull through it 🙂

Saturday- I went with one of my cousins to see the hotel where she would be having her wedding reception later on this year; I felt out of place there because it was so fancy and I was dressed casually with greasy hair, I’m sure I’ll look better on the day because I’m going to be a bridesmaid!!!  That evening I went to the pub with some friends, I was very anxious as it was my first time out with friends since the operation

Tuesday and Thursday I spent at home to allow myself time to rest

Sunday (today)- I went for a drive with my mum and we stopped at a cafe to have lunch. Simple but it meant I got out of the house.

Overall its been a good week, it had ups and downs as usual with me and my BPD but it was better than the weeks I’ve been having 🙂

NI2M ❤

 

 

DepressionDiaries: Bibliomania

I’ve recently come across the term Bibliomania which is an obsession with collecting and even hoarding books. Although it is not recognised as a psychological disorder itself it is said to be a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

For years I have bought and collected books but would only read a few of them usually because I didn’t have the time but as soon as I left college just before my 18th birthday I vowed to spend more time actually reading the books I buy.

For my birthday I had around £40 to spend so I went into a bookshop where there was a buy one get one half price sale and spent the money on roughly 6 New books. 

This continued throughout the year, whenever I went out I would buy a book sometimes more if there was a sale or I’d been having a really bad time which was pretty much all the time. I now have over 100 books and I will be getting more for christmas.


I’d said that I have been a book collector for years but it seemed to get worse once I left college and stopped talking to almost everyone I knew there. It’s like I’ve been trying to use books to satisfy my need for a connection to people and there is no better connection that you could have than with story characters especially when the story is told from their point of view.

Recently I started freaking out in a bookshop because I wanted to buy so many books but had to try and control myself because

  1. I’m spending way too much
  2. I already have so many books that I need to read but I haven’t even started.
  3. I need the money to buy Christmas presents for friends and family

I did manage to leave the shop with only one book but it was hard. It probably sounds stupid but maybe if you think about those stereotypical girls who love to buy so many shoes and handbags that they need a walk-in wardrobe and you’ll get the picture of me and books.

I was watching a video about Disney princesses with mental disorders when I came across Bibliomania which was used to describe Belle’s, from Beauty and the Beast, strong liking to books and reading them and how she falls in love with the Beast because of his library. I wondered why I liked her so much…

NI2M❤

DepressionDiaries: Christmas Job Disappointment

So a few weeks ago I applied for a job at my favourite bookshop out of town  but I haven’t heard back from them. Just like the bookshop job in another town I applied for in the job hunt begins. 

This was only a part time temporary placement over the christmas holidays but I wanted to do it so I gave them my CV and reference from my former manager at Oxfam. In this reference she said some very good things about me and mentioned the fact that my work on the book section of the shop helped raise book sales.

So I don’t get. I travelled an hour out of town 3 times in one week (the first two times I couldn’t see the manager) to speak to the manager about the job. Does that not show my dedication?

Also my reference is so good and shows how passionate I am about books and reading; not to mention not only did I work in retail but I was a trusted assistant manager even though I only worked at Oxfam for six months. Why wouldn’t they want me?

*sigh* maybe I applied for the Christmas job too late and they’d already chosen people for the job or maybe that’s how unfortunate I am and things just are not meant to work out good for me 😦 

Ah well at least it means I have more time to do absolutely nothing. Haha 😅

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Mentally ill because I am Insecure or Insecure because I am Mentally ill???

Today I was out with my mum, sister and my mum’s friend. I was supposed to be in work but I was way too tired after two nights of arriving home and falling asleep late.

I kind of just wanted to stay at home all day but mum wouldn’t let me in case I try to hurt myself while she’s out or something. I didn’t mind going out with them though since we were going to have lunch at this really nice restaurant and you know how much I love eating out.

However for some reason I felt like an inconvenience. My mum had snapped at me a few times, my sister was tormenting me and i felt like I was just being a nuisance, I thought things would be better for them if I just went to work and let them go out without me because they “clearly” didn’t want me there.

By the time it came to lunch I had anxious, depressive thoughts circling my mind. Like I’m not wanted, they’d be better off if I wasn’t here and a blur of many other thoughts.

I started eating but soon stopped, my heart was beating faster, i felt sick and upset. I started asking my mum questions like “do you love me?” “Am I a good daughter?” “Am I a bad person? “Do you want me here?” “Should I have gone to work?” “Are you proud of me?”

I often ask my mum questions like these when I’m feeling insecure and need her reassurance. There was no explanation of why i asked these questions until I was diagnosed with BPD now it makes perfect sense because of the fear of abandonment making me be insecure within myself and relationships (even with my mum)

It’s hard when i get like this because I have a burst of intense emotion and then once I’ve calmed down I become emotionally and physically drained and just want to go home and sleep. I spent the rest of our day out in a bookshop while the others did their own thing, I liked it in there where I can just browse and read books in a peaceful environment where my problems are left outside as I explore the worlds of different characters in all kinds of books. Honestly bookshops seem to be my only safe place besides my bedroom.

200_s

 

NI2M

Song of the day:  I Hate You I love You by gnash ft. Olivia O’brien

DepressionDiaries: Out of it…

Today I have not been paying much attention to reality, in fact I wanted nothing to do with it. I was stuck in my fantasy world and I was happy there. On the odd occasion I would come back to reality but feel very uncomfortable and irritated so I would soon return to fantasy.

An example would be I was in the waiting room, I was waiting for my psychiatrist since we had a follow up appointment. I was really deep in thought but then two women came and sat opposite me. I have trouble with eye contact, I don’t like looking at people in case they think I’m being rude but then if I didn’t look there way it would be like I was pretending they weren’t there which is even more rude. So I decided to read my book but I could not concentrate I had this feeling that one of the women opposite were watching me and I was starting to get really stressed out about it, luckily they were soon called away by someone.

I hate awkward situations where you’re in the same small space as a stranger like, what do you do, talk to them or what? it’s the reason I don’t like taking taxis because I am not much of a talker when it comes to people I’ve never met before but they often want to make conversation with you so we end up having a very awkward conversation where I would rather be staring out the window daydreaming.

Anyway, back to today (You can tell my concentration levels are screwed can’t you?) while walking to my appointment today with my mum she had been talking to me and I was so distracted by my own brain that I didn’t even realise she was talking to me in the first place. I was also struggling to focus on what my psychiatrist was saying to me. I just haven’t felt like I’ve been processing things properly today. I am often like this but today was worse than most.

I may go through my psychiatrist appointment in more detail another time but for now my brain is just not willing to cooperate with me and I can’t blog later on tonight because I’m going to a movie marathon with some friends, honestly I’m kind of reluctant to go, I do really like these friends though so I think its just my depression wanting me to crawl into bed and hide from the world but not today.

NI2M

Song of the day: Big Girls Cry by Sia