Taking A Break

This blog is now over 3 years old and I must say I’m surprised I kept it up for so long. These past few years have been a crazy ride for me and if you’ve been reading my posts for some time now you’ll know that a lot of things have changed over the years, mainly me. I’ve learned to be alone and take care of myself while also making sense of my personality Disorder, things are far from perfect but I’m in a better place than I was 3 years ago, heck even 1 year ago.

My writing has changed and my blog has gone through quite a few makeovers, It’s been a while since I’ve done a post about my life and how I feel. I think this is the first one since the end of last year! I’ve really enjoyed making informative posts about what I learn but recently I feel like I’ve been treating this blog as more of a job than a hobby, I try to spend at least one day a week writing new posts and it’s time to be honest with you, I love the attention that my blog gets, since I started using twitter to share my posts and network they’ve got more likes and this blog has got more followers.

I started seeing numbers as validation and approval, when a post didn’t get many likes or people unfollowed me, I’d get disheartened and wonder why they don’t like me or what I write.I became very envious of people who seemed to do better than me on twitter and on here. The relationship I developed with social media became unhealthy and I’ve had to take a big step back from it all but not too big otherwise I’d lose people’s attention thus the scheduled blog work time. I put myself under pressure to keep improving my posts, make them longer with no mistakes sort of thing. The informative posts I wrote seemed to get more traction than my personal story so I kept going with them as its what other people wanted but I’m not sure its what I want. Recently I tried to force myself to write a post but my brain and my emotions weren’t co-operating, became anxious and a bit manic whenever I tried to write a post like I was trying to force enthusiasm and taking it too far.

At the time when I first started changing my blog style it was because I was inspired to do so but the inspiration just isn’t there now, I’m still very proud of my new posts don’t get me wrong but now the writing just feels forced, like I’ve started blogging more for the attention and validation rather than because I want to. Today i found myself sitting in the bathroom with pain in my chest from stress and the thought of my blog came up and how I’ve just been putting it as another part of my weekly to do list instead of utilizing it as a therapeutic hobby, the thought of writing this post calmed me down and this does feel like a weight lifting off my shoulders.

I still love this blog and I’m really proud of the work I’ve done but all good things must come to an end unfortunately, I’m honestly not sure what the future of this blog is going to be but right now I need to take a break, focus on getting well and then maybe come back to blogging but I’m not sure and I don’t want to worry myself about it now. I hope you understand where I’m coming from, I feel like I’m now starting a new chapter of my life and I’m not sure my blog is currently reflecting that. I hope to one day come back here better and brighter but if not, don’t worry about me I’m just doing different things with my life 🙂

Thank you for reading,

NI2M ❤

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Just a little Life update

Hi you may or may not have noticed that I’ve been uploading on a more regular basis (every other day) and that my writing style has changed. This has happened naturally without me really trying.

I just wanted to give a heads up that you might not hear from me for a while, this is because of a job interview I have to prepare for, some DBT homework I need to do and my period is coming up soon which heightens the strength of my mental illnesses making EVERYTHING harder to cope with (e.g.I got upset because my colouring pencils wouldn’t sharpen properly) if I tried to blog in my current state it would look a little like this…

I will still be working on blog posts behind the scenes, I have quite a few things I want to cover on this blog, it might just take a while maybe a week or so? I’m not sure, around this time of the month its harder than usual to predict what I’ll do when. If you’re interested in little tidbits about my life you can follow me on twitter! @Addict2L aka Redefine the borderline

But thank you to all my likers and followers, hope you can be patient with me as I go back into blogging hibernation for a while.

Thanks and hopefully see you soon ❤️

DepressionDiaries: OUT OF ACTION

Trigger Warning: Self Harm and Strong Language

 

First of all I just want to apologise for my lack of interaction with other bloggers recently, its nothing personal this is just kind of a time where my brain is at its most sensitive so I have to be careful what I read in case of triggers.

Secondly, Thank you for 250 followers I would have done a special post for it but I didn’t and I’ll talk about why in a bit.

Thirdly, this post is to address my lack of activity on WordPress recently and in the near future.

You may recall that I said March was a tough month for me, on the 1st of the month this year I had to make an appointment to see a doctor about my intense anxiety. I managed to get my fluoxetine dose increased to 40mg which seems to have brought down my anxiety level but now my depression is dominant once again. I haven’t felt any inspiration or motivation to write my blog or fan-fiction after a phase of being super productive thanks to my anxiety.

Plus, guess what? I fucking relapsed! after months of being in control of myself I gave in and have started hurting myself again. I haven’t told anyone, I’ve kept it secret because I know my mum will be upset and I will once again lose her trust, professionals will just try and make me stop but I don’t think I’m ready. I had thoughts of self harm for ages (even before the medication increase before anyone says its to do with that) there was always a fight inside my head about it and in the end I gave in, I’m not going to lie it was a relief. I should probably talk to someone about this as I know this is unhealthy.

I’ve been detached from myself and reality recently, I heard that antidepressants can sort of do that so you’re not so in touch with your feelings… I feel numb and disconnected. I’m only half aware that I’m writing this I may not even remember writing this soon. The days have been passing by in a blur and I just feel like I’ve been going through the motions, not really taking anything in just letting my body do the work while my brain sits back passively. I’ve gone from having too much brain power to very little within two weeks.

Maybe I should not have increased my meds although perhaps I would be in a worse state if I hadn’t. I’m going away this Friday for three days to celebrate my birthday I hope I will be able to enjoy it as it is one of the few things I’ve been looking forward to this year.

NI2M ❤

 

 

 

 

DepressionDiaries: One Year Blogiversary

It’s March 2nd, its been exactly one year since I started Depression Diaries. Back in the days when my blog was just a baby and I had no idea what it would grow to be. I’d actually created my blog in January but we won’t talk about the posts I used to write because they don’t really reflect myself, back then I was trying to be like other bloggers, a blogger I thought I wanted to be.

Depression Diaries started because I had been inspired by bloggers I’d come across who had been brave enough to share their inner most thoughts and feelings, giving insight into life with a mental illness. I was back on sick leave from college and on the verge of giving it up as well as life in general. Depression was pretty much ruling my life and I just thought you know what? if this is a thing I might as well put it to good use. 

The series was created to help me vent and find some solace but also to help others find comfort or gain knowledge. I re- read some of my old posts and realised how far I’ve come in the past year. I am so much more confident online and offline; I feel I can talk about mental illness with confidence and not hide the true nature of it.

When I first started writing the series I was still stuck in that mind set that I had to be cheery and use humour to tone down and filter the raw truth for the sake of not wanting to inconvenience others with my troubles even though I was really suffering. I would use funny pictures and try to feign an optimistic view that was just false. Don’t get me wrong my blogs have always been honest but back in those days I had a filter in my writing that didn’t give the whole picture of me and my life with mental illness.

After a few months of networking with other mental health bloggers I’d grown in confidence enough to remove that filter, I think by then I’d lost practically everything anyway so I didn’t have anything to lose by being completely honest and I found that removing the rose tinted filter from my writing was the best thing I could have done because my blog grew which meant my support network grew as well, Many people have appreciated my honesty and I feel for once I can be truly proud of myself for being so brave and making a difference to people’s lives whether they are mentally ill or know someone who is.

I can still have fun with my posts nowadays but only if I feel I can instead of forcing it like I used to. I’ve surprised myself sometimes by my sense of humour and how I can wield it even in my darkest time.

It’s been a rollercoaster of a journey but I’m glad I’ve had you with me for the ride. This community we’ve got means so much to me, the support and kindness we give eachother and honesty that’s hard to come across offline has given me a place to belong and not feel judged which is something we all need especially if we have a mental illness or few because offline we can be so outcasted and stigmatized by people who know nothing of what it’s like to be mentally ill.

On that note, may our blogs live long and prosper.

NI2M 🎡

DepressionDiaries: On The Mend

As you can probably tell by my productivity with blogging this week, I’ve been doing better recently, I’ve managed to get out of the house to see a doctor, who gave me the all clear to take my brain meds.

Since I’ve been back on my brain meds my moods are more manageable. My scars are healing up nicely and I’ve managed to clean myself up so I look and feel much better.

I still experience pain and discomfort where my appendix used to be but that’s to be expected as the average recovery from appendicitis surgery is 2-4 weeks so there’s still time before I may worry about needing to go back to the doctor’s.

Here’s what I’ve been up to this week:

Monday- I went to visit my grandparent’s (my aunt’s dog kept parking her bum on my stomach which caused all sorts of discomfort but I didn’t have the heart to push her off) I then finally had Mcdonald’s (sad, I know but I was really looking forward to it)

Wednesday- I went out of town to have lunch, shop and spend time in my favourite bookshop (I bought 3 new fiction books and 2 notebooks, I’ve been through a lot of crap lately so I treated myself, don’t judge me XD ). Stomach pain was pretty bad but I managed to stay out for approximately 6 hours before going home.

Friday- I went to my local MIND centre where I spoke to my mentor, met new people and did some arty stuff. I had some sharp stomach pain and I did panic a little but I managed to pull through it 🙂

Saturday- I went with one of my cousins to see the hotel where she would be having her wedding reception later on this year; I felt out of place there because it was so fancy and I was dressed casually with greasy hair, I’m sure I’ll look better on the day because I’m going to be a bridesmaid!!!  That evening I went to the pub with some friends, I was very anxious as it was my first time out with friends since the operation

Tuesday and Thursday I spent at home to allow myself time to rest

Sunday (today)- I went for a drive with my mum and we stopped at a cafe to have lunch. Simple but it meant I got out of the house.

Overall its been a good week, it had ups and downs as usual with me and my BPD but it was better than the weeks I’ve been having 🙂

NI2M ❤

 

 

DepressionDiaries: Media and Mental illness

We’ve come a long way in our knowledge and treatment of mental illness but there are still setbacks. Stigma that hasn’t been challenged and is in fact encouraged by the media.

Have you heard of the movie Split? I haven’t seen it but the trailer was enough to agitate me. It’s basically about a group of girls who get kidnapped by a man with Multiple Personality Disorder also known as Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) what annoyed me about this movie was that the man with DID was portrayed as the villain in this horror tale. If you haven’t seen it yet, here’s the trailer, so you know what I’m talking about:

How is this going to help erase the stigma surrounding mental illness? DID is a result of trauma and is a very serious condition. The person develops DID in order to protect themselves from the pain of the abuse they’ve suffered; Admittedly it does appear scary to onlookers but sufferers of the disorder need help and should not be exploited for the entertainment of others.

Portraying people with a mental illness as crazed killers will just make people fear us and further isolate us from society. We are human and mental illness is not a choice. When we get physically injured our body puts us through a lot of pain with bruising and bleeding until we eventually heal. It’s the same with mental illness, when we experience something our brains cannot handle, it takes damage and needs time to heal itself.

Now obviously it’s less easy to treat and heal mental illnesses because they cannot be seen and only a few symptoms show, this is why it’s so difficult for people without a mental illness to understand it and portraying those with mental illness in such a bad light will make things worse for everyone. Those with a mental illness will continue to be shamed and those without a mental illness will live in fear of us. So stigma like this is not good for anyone.

So you remember the breakdown of Britney Spears? And how newspapers mocked her for it? Exposing her to all sorts of unwanted attention when she was at her most vulnerable? Let me show you some of the articles:

These so called “journalists” claimed to know the real story when in reality it’s impossible to understand someone’s mind when you are not them so claiming to have the “inside info” is just a way of getting people’s attention for money and using someone who is mentally vulnerable and their ordeal for the writers’ own selfish gain. I just thank God that Britney got through it and is doing better nowadays.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now to look at the opposite side of the media. A woman who uses it for good, Demi Lovato. She has Bipolar Disorder and has suffered from eating disorders and an addiction to self harm but since her diagnosis of bipolar she has stood up and spoken up about mental illness. Talking about it in chat shows and magazines without shame. She is truly an inspiration and has helped the mental health community by giving us a voice in the public eye and with her many of us have stood up to be counted using social media as our platform.

So you see, the media can be terrible for us but can also be used as a force for good if we take control by blogging, making videos and even tweeting about the realities of living with a mental illness to eradicate stigma.

Now clearly because the movie Split is a 2017 movie we still have a lot of work to do when it comes to the media and how they deal with mental illness but we’ve improved since 2007 (the year of Britney’s Breakdown) so let’s not give up and keeping talking about mental illness until it’s no longer a taboo subject…

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NI2M ❤

200 FOLLOWERS!!!

The above is a result of me having fun with a meme generator but seriously I have no idea why 200 awesome people would follow my blog but I very much appreciate it!

When I first started this blog I had no idea it would get this far 200 is an amazing number. I remember being super happy when this blog reached ten followers but 200… I think Ron Weasley puts it best;

You are all awesome even if you don’t follow, if you like or comment on my posts or even just read them it means so much to me that you’ve taken time out of your day to check out my work.

I don’t think a lot of you guys realise how brilliant you are. When I read your posts or a comment and see what you deal with and how kind you are really inspires me. 

You’ve given me a place to belong, a safe space to share my feelings and hope for my future. I may have started this blog but each and every like, comment or follow has brought it to where it is today. So Thank you all so much.

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: You can now Email me!

I set up an email account specifically for my blog as I will need to use my main one for college. Plus it contains my real name which I’m not quite ready to give up yet.

You’ll find the link to it in my about/contact page. If it doesn’t work you’ll probably have to type it in manually until I can figure it out. Sorry about that 😳 hopefully it will work for you.

I thought I would set it up so that you can give feedback if you don’t want loads of people seeing your comment or if you don’t have a WP account but want to get in touch or if you just need someone to talk to. I’m kind of a loner in my offline life so a online talks are great with me.

College will be keeping me busy so I probably won’t be posting as often but I will be checking my email as often as I can and will reply to you when I’m not overwhelmed by assignments lol XD

but thank you for sticking around and you can email me whenever you want 🙂 

NI2M ❤

150 followers!!! :D

Well actually we’re at 151 followers now but we did it. In a month and a half we went from 100 to 150 followers. Thank you so much for following my story especially in such a difficult time.Blogging has given my mental illnesses a purpose but without any of you liking, following, commenting on my work it would have meant nothing to me. There have been times when I thought about giving up my blog but then a new like or comment would turn up in my notifications and spur me on.

I have come in contact with so many of you amazing people and I hope I inspire you as much as you inspire me to have the courage to write about mental illness because it is no easy task.

My confidence has grown so much since I decided to blog about my depression back in March. I now am able to talk about mental illness in face to face conversation.

I feel that blogging has been helping my recovery and knowing that so many people are interested in my life and mental illness story is a great help.

So, In summary;

Thank you for being there for me.

Thank you for motivating me.

Thank you for being you.

NI2M