Mental health and Medication

There’s some debate across the mental health community whether or not we should take meds to treat our mental illness. I personally take (quite a lot) of medication. I must admit I myself had some reservations about taking medication to treat my issues, like what if I end up being on them all my life? What if I will forever rely on them to keep me well? and “what would other people think”. I was once on this meditation app where you could talk to others and I briefly mentioned being on sleeping pills (for insomnia and depression) to which he told me that’s bad and I shouldn’t be on them.

My neurofeedback therapist would promise me a recovery miracle and that I could ween myself off meds, before leaving me for another project. We live in a world where taking medication for physical illness is considered necessary but meds for mental illness is shameful and I don’t think it should be. When I studied psychology in college we discussed the topic of taking medication for things like depression, both the benefits and the risk, we were encouraged to try and take a balanced point of view in essays. So, while I do take medication and don’t feel ashamed of it, I will try to tell you all I know about meds both the good and the bad.

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MY MEDICATION STORY

I first started taking medication in 2015/16 as I had severe depression to the point I felt stuck in life and that I may be better off dead. I was in college at the time and it was my final year so the pressure was on with coursework, exams, university applications and other responsibilities. Because of all this work and pressure I felt I didn’t have time for therapy or the time to properly take care of my mental health. So, after scrawling “I NEED FUCKING MEDS” as well as other angry writings on my bedroom wall, I went to the doctor to talk about the possibility of getting medication for my depression. After a long few months where I felt hopeful that things were looking up, the suicidality came back to the point I was fantasizing about suicide during lessons. I eventually quit college.

Quitting college took some pressure off of me and I started seeing a counsellor but after experiencing a traumatic event my mental health declined again and it was decided my issues were too severe for the type of counselling I was getting. So I was left with nothing but an increased dose of Fluoxetine and some melatonin to help me sleep. During the summer of 2016  I ended up in the hospital psych ward and  was prescribed 25mg of lamotrigine which is traditionally used to treat bipolar but can help with BPD mood swings.

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Haejin Park

 

For the next year I was in and out of A&E with suicidal thoughts but didn’t get admitted again. When my dad saw just how bad my mental health was he got me to see a private therapist who treated me with neurofeedback which helped a lot but I was still struggling with insomnia and PMS problems. For the insomnia I was originally prescribed melatonin but we found it wasn’t strong enough so it was replaced with mirtazapine. This is a sleeping pill as well as an antidepressant that has worked wonders in getting me to sleep at night where I used to really struggle before. Nonetheless a few weeks before my red visitor came along I would experience more emotional instability, fragility and suicidal tendencies that not even all my meds could help with so about two months ago I was put on the pill. Now my period actually starts near the right time and I don’t experience such severe PMS for so long now which is awesome.

I’d say that fluoxetine has helped me more with my anxiety and OCD symptoms rather than depression. Before fluoxetine I would obsess about being clean, smelling nice, germs and what other people thought of me but with fluoxetine that’s calmed down. With lamotrigine my mood swings are less frantic and more stable. You’d definitely notice a difference in my behavior if I forgot to take it. The downside though is that it has given me more weird, vivid dreams at night. Like I said, Mirtazapine has really helped  improve my sleep pattern. However a side effect of it is increased appetite so I’ve rapidly gained weight while I’ve been taking it, but for me that was a good thing as I was very underweight, I do need to get my appetite under control though.

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THE BENEFITS

If your mental illness is mainly chemical or hormone based, meds can really help. For example the Pill can be good at regulating hormones during PMS while antidepressants/anxiety meds can help increase the brain’s intake of serotonin.

Medication can help stabilize your brain enough so that you can handle therapy. My psychology teacher once said that medication works well with therapy as you may be too emotionally unbalanced for the treatment to really work, but medication can help you find that balance. Lamotrogine helped me in this case.

It’s a good alternative if you can’t afford, don’t have access to, or just don’t have the time for therapy. As I mentioned before, I started taking meds because I didn’t think I had the time for therapy. Medication can take up to 2 weeks to take effect but its quicker and easier to take a pill as you rush off to work or school than have to take time away from those things for therapy.

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THE DOWNFALLS

There can be side effects that make your problems worse; lamotrigine can give me weird dreams/nightmares and fluoxetine can make depressive symptoms, such as suicidal or self harm thoughts, worse in young people. Other mental health medications can be addictive too and anti-psychotics, which are mainly used to treat schizophrenia, can cause problems such as tremors.

It’s not a one-size-fits-all treatment, finding which type of medication and which dose works best for you is a pain. You may suffer side effects or no effects at all which can be incredibly frustrating. It’s not a quick fix either as, like I mentioned earlier, medication can take up to two weeks or longer to really change anything.

Admitting you may need medication can feel like admitting defeat to your demons as there is so much shame around the concept and the “just get over it” “think positively” attitude can hurt us more than medication will as we’re taught to power through our problems instead of address them which can make people less likely to go to therapy anyway.

Medication doesn’t deal with the cause of your mental health problems, only the symptoms. Unless your problems with mental health are solely based on chemicals and hormones, the problem will not be dealt with by medication. If your mental illness is the result of trauma or negative thought patterns its best to get therapy to help process and truly recover. I am attending DBT and teaching myself CBT as well as taking medication, the combination of the two is helping.

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MY THOUGHTS and ADVICE

Now I’m not saying that you should go on medication. I don’t know you or your life so meds may not even be right for you and that’s okay but only you can decide that for yourself. You know how it feels to be you, live in your mind and body so only you will know what’s right for them. I would like to give you some advice if you are considering taking medication.

RESEARCH what your doctor wants to prescribe you, really look at the leaflet provided as well as online. It can be good to get other people’s personal experience with the meds as well.

Keep in touch with your GP/psychiatrist. When you’re first put on medication your doctor should book you in for a review in about two weeks to check on you and how the medication is affecting you, please attend these reviews. If they were prescribed to you by a psychiatrist they should do the same but it may take several months to get a review from them. If you start experiencing problems/side effects then please consult with either of them ASAP.

GET ADVICE- if your  GP hasn’t mentioned meds to you but you think it could be useful then be sure to bring it up with them and get their advice. If you have access to a psychologist then you could get their input too.

IN SUMMARY

For those of you who don’t have mental illnesses or don’t need to take medication I’m going to use an analogy to explain what taking meds for mental illness is like for me. My mum once described MH meds as a safety cushion or blanket that softens your landing when you fall, so when your mental health goes down hill, it doesn’t go down as hard or fast as it would without medication. I would also describe my meds as armbands or a life jacket keeping me afloat in the ocean of life as I learn to swim without drowning or getting overwhelmed. I hope that makes sense to you and if you read all the way through to this bit thank you! I know this blog post was rather long so thanks for sticking with me. If you have any questions or thoughts on mental health and medication then please don’t hesitate to let me know. Thanks for reading ❤

More about MH and Meds:

https://www.headmeds.org.uk/

32 Things About Taking Medication for Mental Illness People Don’t Talk About

MEDICATION IS THE NEW MENTAL ASYLUM

Mental Health Medication – Why So Much Stigma?

https://byrslf.co/why-i-refuse-to-take-medication-for-mental-health-c66e38f4d5f3

I tried to come off my mental health medication and failed – here’s how I accepted that it’s OK

Musical inspiration:

Medicate By Gabbie Hanna (TheGabbieshow)

 

 

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Hope Of Recovery?

I’ve heard people refer to BPD as a “dead end diagnosis” that its not treatable or even a mental illness. I’ve also had people tell me that’s bullshit and recovery from BPD is possible. It’s hard to handle these conflicting POVs especially when they come from mental health professionals. BPD is a controversial topic in psychology, some psychiatrists/psychologists believe that people with BPD don’t have empathy while others believe they do. It’s pretty much the same in all round psychology, when I studied it in college, there was always a case for a theory but also a case against it so it all boils down to the professional’s personal perspective.

Now, I can’t speak for everyone with the disorder as we’re still individuals so we may or may not believe in recovery, taking medication or that the diagnosis is a real one. Again, it really depends on who you ask. Mental illness is a personal battle that we fight in whatever way works best for us. I believe that we can research and theorize about the human mind all we want but not everyone can fit the label or box that we tend to get put in with a diagnosis. This is my story so far but don’t think you have to feel the way I did or do the things I did because you’re an individual, much more than your diagnosis.

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Personally, I was relieved to have the diagnosis of BPD as it meant I finally had an explanation for what’s wrong with me. This was before I realized how negatively stigmatized the disorder is and how invalidating people can be because you have BPD. I once had a psychiatrist ask if I attempted suicide for attention, when I brought it up with the crisis team (which I’ll talk about in another post) they just said its the diagnosis and unfortunately even professionals are going to be dicks about it (ok that wasn’t their exact words but you get the gist). I mean, how can professionals talk down to and about their clients because of something they are supposed to understand but clearly don’t?

I’ve been lucky compared to most though, I managed to get access to neurofeedback therapy and I’m now doing DBT therapy thanks to my supportive parents. I know not everyone with mental illness has such a supportive family. In fact,even now, mental illness is still met with ignorance from friends, family and professionals so, how the hell are we supposed to recover from BPD when met with such stigma? When we’re told by professionals that what we’re experiencing is a stupid diagnosis and there is no hope of recovery?

tumblr_n49jkd8fYm1tz8okxo1_500Can I recover from it? to be honest I’m not sure I could ever recover completely but I have been learning to manage it through DBT and my mental state has improved after roughly 6 months of neurofeedback therapy and the right medication. Things aren’t perfect by any means. I’ve definitely not fully recovered but things are better than they were last year. I’m better at processing things and calming myself down when things get bad. Doing my own reading about it and connecting with others who have BPD online has been a sort of self help/ peer support therapy for me.

The diagnosis can be isolating and lonely when you think that no one understands how you feel and people IRL can make you feel worse because of misconceptions they have about the disorder. So meeting people experiencing similar issues can be really uplifting. Honestly I think if it wasn’t for this blog or the people I’ve met on twitter I would still be so incredibly lonely and ashamed. But reading about others’ experience gives me hope and a reason to fight despite people telling me there is no hope for people like me.

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As I said before, your journey is a personal one so if you can find a way to recover from the disorder completely, that’s awesome. If not and you’re just managing to get through each day that’s okay, I’m still learning too so I don’t want to preach a certain way of life like its the cure-all.. The best I can do is encourage you to try different things and not give up on yourself even if others try to shame you or say you’re hopeless. Only you can decide what works best for you and recovery looks different for everyone.

TW: This next part contains reference to suicidal ideation and self  harm

For example, recently I had a terrible interview that left me wanting to die and cut myself.  It was hard battling that storm of self hatred and rage and I ended up snapping a hairband on my skin. This may not seem that much of a change to you, you may even consider this a relapse but considering that I’d been dealing with the urge to self harm on and off for weeks and at that point gave in to temptation, that’s pretty good for me. Even in crisis I resisted the urge to the point I couldn’t take anymore but instead of grabbing something sharp I went for the hairband which caused significantly less damage while also satisfying the urge. It may not be as good as not self harming at all or going for a run instead but it is an improvement for me 🙂

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Thanks for reading and do feel free to let me know your experience with BPD ❤

 

Recommended Reading:

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/treatment-and-support/#.XJ0YB_ZFzIU

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/both-sides-the-couch/201309/borderline-personality-disorder-the-power-recovery

https://bpdtransformation.wordpress.com/2013/11/23/how-did-i-recover-from-borderline-personality-disorder/

http://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions/borderline-personality-disorder-vol7/borderline-personality-disorder

https://themighty.com/2017/04/my-journey-borderline-personality-disorder-treatment-and-recovery/

 

COPING IN A BPD CRISIS

TW: The contents of this post may trigger so please read with care

Last Friday I was in the hospital, dissociating badly, I was only partly aware of where I was and what was happening. I was very detached from reality and wrapped up in my thoughts of death and self harm. It had been a long time coming, you may remember in my previous post (A crazy life update) that I was experiencing a lot of stress for some time, not to mention that march is a tough month for me anyway as referred to in my post “the curse of march”so it was kind of inevitable really. I spoke to a lovely member of the mental health team that night who referred me to the crisis team, they visited my home on Saturday and discussed getting me an assessment for a care coordinator (which would be great) as well as a review with the psychiatrist about my medication.

That being said, although this crisis was expected I didn’t know how to stop it so instead I kept spiraling down and descending into derealization. On sundays there is a #bpdchat on twitter that I like to take part in when I can. This week I asked what people do to help themselves in a bpd crisis here are some of the responses, I’m @Addict2L btw if you want to follow me 😉

 

Just recently (yesterday in fact)I was heading for another bpd/pts meltdown, I found it hard to engage in therapy as I was so distracted by my emotions that were exhausting me, all I wanted to do was go home and cry myself to sleep as something had triggered me that morning, I wanted to self harm and started having thoughts about dying or acting out violently, I was basically a mess. When I got home though I decided to log my mood in a mental health app called Pacifica, it suggested a meditaton for me so I went to my Self-Soothe box and lit a scented candle, wrapped myself in a scarf and played the meditation. I wasn’t a 100% okay by the end of those few minutes but I didn’t feel as overwhelmed as before and I was able to keep myself safe that day.

A self-soothe box is another idea I got from twitter, its basically a box of stuff that can help you feel comforted and calm you down in a crisis. Mine is made out of a really nice gift box and inside is…

  • A Puzzle & Coloring book
  • Coloring pencils in a fluffy pencil case
  • A small soft toy
  • Scented candle with holder
  • a big scarf I use as a comfort blanket
  • Leaflets with information from MIND on how to deal with stress, anger and loneliness
  • A number for my local SAMARITANS
  • A book of positive mantras
  • Hand lotion/cream
  • A handout from DBT about “Riding the wave”

I do suggest making one yourself as it helps me feel more prepared for a crisis and safer when a crisis comes, yours may be totally different from mine, its just whatever helps/comforts you.

Thanks for reading and please do check out everyone’s twitter (@017kat @LadyAngrr @tothehospital) these people and so many others have been very helpful, remember that the #bpdchat is on every sunday 9pm UK time/ 4pm US time. Hope to see you there sometime and here’s a useful website for more ideas on coping with bpd: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/self-care-for-bpd/#.XIFU-PZFxlY

and this post on supplies to pack in case you need to check in to hospital: http://wtfisbpd.tumblr.com/post/96439585776/bpd-crisis-kit

Hope you found this helpful,

NI2M ❤

DBT DIARY: EMOTIONS AND THEIR MYTHS

In DBT session 3, my therapist helped me look at emotions, the purpose of them and misconceptions I may have about them. The first thing we covered was identifying emotions as positive or negative for example ‘interest’ was positive, anger was negative but surprise could be either positive or negative depending on what the surprise is. I also learned about secondary emotions which are emotions that arise because of the main emotion being felt, for example, you could be angry and feel guilt for feeling that anger.

My therapist and I then looked at a myths about emotions worksheet, she went through the list of myths with me while I decided whether I believed in them or not and looked at how to challenge my beliefs, for example I have struggled with the belief that “negative emotions are bad and destructive” for years, I was ashamed of my anger because I knew the damage it could do.

1_9dctnzz9pxvr6dthunpkfq@2xThe example on how to challenge this belief on the worksheet was “negative feelings are natural” which is understandable but I would often struggle to understand whether my feelings were justified. This reminded me of what my neurofeedback therapist said about anger, she said that anger spurs us into action, if people like the suffragettes hadn’t got angry about the way things were nothing would have changed since the 1900s.

That’s also what we looked at in DBT, the purpose of our emotions and what they can motivate us to do. Anxiety would make us want to retreat to preserve ourselves, Anger would spur us into defense mode to protect ourselves or those we care about and guilt would make us look at our actions and realize what we could do better; the example my therapist gave me of guilt was if you were a parent and you were really busy working, you may feel guilt about not spending enough time with your children thus motivating you to perhaps make adjustments to your work schedule and spend more time with family.

We can also use emotions to communicate and influence others, this can be through tone of voice or body language, consciously or unconsciously we are always communicating our feelings with others and this can influence their behavior towards us.

38875036_288430361751853_4710511974662799360_nEmotions also are good communicators to ourselves and can act as indicators that something is wrong or say something about ourselves and what we like/don’t like. However, people tend to mistake their feelings as fact, especially if you feel so intensely that the objective situation is unclear. This would be where mindfulness skills come in, as it encourages us to look at our emotions with curiosity instead of judgement, allowing us to fully understand what the emotions are there for and deal with them appropriately.

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Thanks for reading ❤

You can also follow me on twitter: @Addict2L (Redefine The Borderline)

Self Pity or Compassion?

I did some research into what self pity is and, while it is generally seen as feeling sorry for one’s self and something that should not be done because it is “weak” or “pathetic”, it is actually something that many of us should practise in small doses.

You see, if you are as empathetic as I am you have probably found yourself crying at a sad scene in movies or unable to watch the news because of how upset seeing others suffer makes you feel. That is compassion yet we are taught not to extend the same compassion to ourselves because it is “selfish” and self pity

I’ve tried to explain to people many times to try and get them to understand what goes on inside my head but a lot of people who view this as self pity do not show compassion for themselves so how can they show any for me?

Feeling sorry for yourself is okay because it’s a cruel world out there and sometimes all you’ve got is yourself.

Only you can truly understand what you are going through so it is up to you to show yourself the kindness and compassion that others may not have shown you.

That being said it is important not to “wallow” in self pity I think just enough to make yourself cry so you can release your stress hormones and then move on.

It is important to practise the compassion we show others on ourselves. So treat yourself like you would treat another person in the same situation (assuming that would be with kindness and empathy)

How you treat others is a reflection of how you treat yourself so how you treat yourself has a great affect on others, treat yourself with love and kindness and others will feel it too.

Thanks for reading,

NI2M ❤️

Learning to accept myself

Growing up I never fit in at school or… Anywhere to be exact. I’ve spoken about this in previous posts but I’ve always been an outsider even with my group of friends. My views of the world differed from theirs and I was the weird kid that no one liked.

I was always made to think of this as a bad thing and I did for years. I hated myself, googling what was wrong with me and what I could fix about myself

Dumb, ugly, freak were words I had been called. It’s not until recently that I realized I’m not actually dumb, I just don’t pay attention because my brain is so wired to the imaginary. I’m not ugly, attractiveness is subjective and I’m teaching myself to love my appearance even though it’s not the norm.

I’m not a freak, I’m not weird, I’m different. I think differently, I feel differently and I act differently. Honestly I don’t care what you do as long as you’re not harming anybody and I never did, well apart from myself  really. The only thing about me that was “wrong” was my difference.

In school especially, fitting in is like a survival technique. High school is an age where we don’t know who we are but want to belong, and not stand out because standing out means being different and different means you get bullied to the point you want to jump off a bridge (and I nearly did)

In college the struggle of being different has come up again but I see it differently now, I’m older than most of the students there and the adults my age and older also spend a lot of time alone and I think that’s because as adults we think more for ourselves and fitting in becomes less important.

I’m in college to learn about business so that one day I can run my own, I’m really looking forward to lessons and studying and I think that’s how I should be. I should be happy to learn and I should not have to fear being seen as a loner or loser because I’m happier now than I was then, happier when I stopped worrying about the fight in my head of fitting in or being myself.

I’m still finding myself after being submerged in mental illness for so long and I find myself easier when I am alone. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks as long as I am happy. When someone is alone it doesn’t mean they’re not liked or loved, even “popular” people can be lonely, it just means they like their own company and I want everyone to like their own company and be proud of who they are, finding friends who are genuinely like them not just saying they are to fit in.

thanks for reading,

Ni2M ❤

 

I have a spending problem

Since I left my first college I’ve had a lot of free time. Free time for going out, having fun… And spending impulsively. I had quite a lot of money inherited from one of my aunts and well it’s not a lot anymore.

You see whenever I felt bad (which was most of the time) I would “treat myself” to something and when I felt good I wouldn’t be so worried about money and spend more.

I heard that this is a thing with BPD and although I’ve improved in many things recently, the spending is still a problem and my anxiety about it is getting worse as the number on my bank statement gets smaller and smaller.

I’ve had some ideas on how I could manage this;

  • Put a portion of the money into a savings account so it’s less easy accessable and it gains interest
  • Only buy from charity shops and small businesses that aren’t so obsessed with making money so it’s cheaper and I’m helping a good cause/helping a business grow (some positive karma for my future business hopefully lol)
  • A lot of my money has been spent on books but now I think I’ll make the most of my library card and borrow books only buying them if I really like them.
  • Set up an online account with eBay or etsy and sell the stuff I bought on impulse that I’m not actually bothered about now lol
  • Get a job (although this has been proving easier said than done
  • Have a set budget for the week. Say £20.00 and I spend that money on food from college then, if I have any money left I can choose to save it for next week, donate it to charity or treat myself depending on how much I have left.

I think the cause of this urge to spend is that I’m bad at self care because I often feel bad and I get a little surge of joy when I see something I like and buy it but then I feel bad again. I think instead of treating myself by buying things I should do other things like read a book I enjoy in a warm bath or just treat myself better in general really.

I don’t know whether any of these ideas will work but I will try and let you know how it goes further down the line 🙂

Thank you for reading,

NI2M ❤

Struggling

TRIGGER WARNING: Self Harm

These past few weeks have been tough, I talked about some of what happened in previous posts.

Things have been triggering my BPD, intrusive thoughts and Post Traumatic Stress (not the disorder, I may talk about it in more detail one day but I don’t think I’m ready yet)

Thing is I have improved but there are still things that affect me so bad such as seeing or hearing about people who I associate with emotional distress because of my experience with them.

I saw my kind of ex recently and panicked becoming afraid of going to certain places for fear I might see him again but I do still go there because I know I have every right to go where I want and I don’t owe him anything so I can just walk away from him, it still affects me though, it’s my rebellious steak that’s helping me cope at the moment.

Also really bad memories and thoughts keep creeping their way into my mind even in nightmares so I’m exhausted from not sleeping well. Yesterday I really wanted to cut myself but I didn’t I talked to a friend who I knew would understand and I calmed down after a while.

However today I just couldn’t fight it I was so tired and so numb that I grabbed some scissors and dragged them across my skin I lost count of how many times there’s only a little blood, didn’t put enough pressure to bleed but to cause pain and now my arm feels like it’s burning.

This is a pretty big setback for me especially as I wanted to come off my medication (now that’s not going to happen anytime soon) I don’t know what to do, neurofeedback has been working for the emotions but not the thoughts, thing is now they probably won’t let me have any cognitive therapy. This just sucks

So in some ways things are better but the struggle is still real to fight my addiction to self harm and battle with my own mind.

Thanks for reading,

NI2M

That was unexpected…

Do you ever feel like you know a person and you have a bond with them but they do a 180 and it throws you off completely? Well that’s what has happened to me recently… twice.

First it was with my mentor who has been visiting me in my home to help me get a job, we’d been working together for a few weeks and I usually have my mum in the room so she can talk for me when I forget something or simply don’t want to talk (I’m usually reserved with people I don’t really know) but in this session my mum asked if I was okay with her leaving the room and I said I wanted her to stay to which my mentor said “aren’t you comfortable being alone with me by now?” and that made me feel like I had to get mum to leave even though I felt very uncomfortable after that. I felt judged and like yet again I had to put aside my own feelings to please someone else. I was in a bad mood for quite a while after that and I think its made my trust in her has wobbled a bit.

The second time was with my therapist who I’m still working with despite what I’m about to tell you she did. So I was in the session and it was the 12th week which I thought was the last session but she said there was more to do and introduced ON THE SPOT this new type of therapy, if you remember from one of my previous posts when neurofeedback was suggested to me I was TERRIFIED but this was worse because now I didn’t have a week to prepare she wanted me to try it straight away!

The therapy was called Alpha-Theta and its where you have a weighted blanket put on you as well as a blindfold and headphones so you can’t see or hear anything apart from the ocean sounds coming through the headphones This may sound relaxing but I hated it because 1) it was new and too soon 2) I’m scared of the dark 3) the fact that my senses were cut off from the surroundings gave me really bad anxiety 4) I could barely move my legs under the weighted blanket so I felt trapped and vulnerable. I felt like crying and ripping off the electrodes, blindfold and headphones, storming out of the room or yelling at my therapist what the hell she thought she was doing but I got through it, since then my bond has been shaken with said therapist.

Now don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that alpha-theta is a bad method I did try it a second time which went better and I plan to continue with it. I’m just saying that I felt a little betrayed by her and shocked that she would spring something so new on to me so quickly. My latest therapy session didn’t go so well either, again I had my mum with me (because trust issues) and there was something that triggered me not long before the session so I obviously would have difficulty talking about it so I asked my mum to do it but therapist said she would ban my mum from coming to the sessions if I didn’t speak myself and to this a jolt of fear ran through me so yet again I had to put my own feelings aside to please someone else after that my defenses kicked in and  felt like yelling and cursing at her but I withheld from doing that.

I get it. I’m 20. I shouldn’t be relying on my mum so much but I’m in recovery for MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS so yeah I probably will rely on my mum more than the average 20 year old, it may seem childish but right now I need my mum’s comfort, I can go out on my own and be independent but on my own terms I will “fly the nest” when I’m ready to and if anything those people saying I shouldn’t have my mum around so much make me feel like I need her more. I have felt like hurting myself and my intrusive thoughts are bothering me because they hurt me so I need my mum right now.

I have learned from this experience that I should start respecting my own wants and needs, that I shouldn’t let people make me feel uncomfortable. I need to be more assertive rather than aggressive and stand my ground when someone tries making me do something I don’t want to do. I am my own person and I should respect myself the way I wish people would respect me.

Thank you for reading (lyrics to the song in the video description) NI2M ❤

 

MeetMeOnTheBorderline: The Bumps In The Road To Recovery

This past week has been really stressful and my BPD has been triggered because on monday I had a fall out with some friends because they started making fun of something I was very sensitive about thus triggering me (not in the meme way, the legitimate trauma way) I was having anxiety attacks and dissociating so I was only half aware that I was sending such aggressive texts because all my defences started kicking in.

A couple of hours later I was willing to move on because I felt I had no choice if I wanted to keep my friends though I was still hurt however one friend stopped responding to me which again triggered my BPD’s intense abandonment anxiety not only that but she seemed to be behaving in a passive aggressive way, she took down a website she built for me and lied about not being able to message me to my mutual friends even though I didn’t block her and she was using the same messaging site to talk to our mutual friends.

I tried to be rational, tried to control myself for my friends’ sake but they have no idea what their behaviour has been doing to me. All week I have felt like crying at the drop of a hat, I can’t sleep, my appetite is going, I can’t concentrate and my moods are swinging like a park swing because I am so anxious. I’m not necessarily scared that they are going to leave me anymore, in fact I tried to leave them, its just the uncertainty, I feel like my friends are hiding something from me “for my own protection” as one said about the matter of the lie but they’re not protecting me by being vague and saying nothing. I just want to know whether or not we’re still friends because if not I can let go and if we do stay friends I can move on but they’re leaving me hanging here and its infuriating and hurtful.

All of them seem to be standing by the friend who’s not responding to me even when I asked her straight up if we could talk this through like adults, nothing, not even a “talk later” they seem to be treating me as if I was the only one in the wrong (It wasn’t a good way for me to express my feelings) but they seem to forget that this person made light of something they knew hurt me because I told them I was having anxiety attacks but they still kept going and now she’s being a passive aggressive and no one is telling me why, I just feel so alone. This is one of those times that I want to give my friends my feelings so they know how bad I ACTUALLY get when I’m like this because they clearly don’t know the half of what I have to go through daily.

I have felt like self harming all week, I feel like its the only thing that can help me now and I won’t tell my friends that because it’s “emotionally manipulative” so as usual I will just fester in my own pain while they go about their lives and believe I’m just “over reacting” maybe I am but it doesn’t make my feelings any less valid!

Anyway the point of this post was to say that when you are trying to recover from a mental illness you are going to have things that test you and try to pull you back all the way to step one and I believe that’s normal for recovery in fact I would be more worried if it was all smooth sailing because would that mean I never needed treatment in the first place? For now I’m just trying alternatives to self harm by doing things I enjoy like reading, drawing, watching movies, listening to music and I’m even trying to make new friends online! so I can definitely see some improvement in myself since I started Neuorfeedback as before the treatment I would have probably picked up the scissors already…

 

Thank you for reading, NI2M ❤