Learning to be vulnerable

I used to be a lot more open about my emotions; I could cry, laugh and yell when I needed to, admittedly the crying and yelling was in an unhealthy amount, In hindsight this was probably due to my BPD but my point is I didn’t have such a big guard up around me.

You see this behavior got me singled out as “emo” “weak” and “strange” and I was bullied for it when all I had been was vulnerable and in our world being vulnerable is considered the same as weak and sharks like to take advantage of this “weakness”

This bullying led to me having panic attacks, crying and self harming almost every night, keep in mind this bullying was added to trauma from assault, abandonment and being a young carer for my sister who has autism basically I already thought my life was pretty shit even before the bullying and the exposure to such things gives your brain a right battering, hence making you more vulnerable.

I understand now that the bullies were most likely going through some shit themselves but instead of letting themselves be vulnerable, they put on a front and took out their issues on people like me who were more expressive with their vulnerability.

After a while I “toughened up” but for me that meant bottling up the tears and the anger; not letting myself be honest about my feelings and this clashed with my values of being true to yourself and being honest, this only encouraged my self harm as I took on the bully mentality and would basically bully myself for feeling like crying for “stupid” reasons.

I learned yesterday how truly unhealthy this “toughen up” attitude is and got me thinking we should be more encouraging for people to show their emotions and let people be vulnerable sometimes. I’ve spoken about this before where I’ve said that schools could do more to help children and young people understand mental health, teaching them how to not only help others with difficulties but themselves as well. There are so many lessons that can be taught on how to express our emotions in a healthy way instead of hurting ourselves and/or others.

Yesterday was the first time I let my guard down in a setting I considered unsafe to do so and nothing really happened; the counsellor gave me some tissues and let me talk things out, I then went to the bathroom to clean myself up and grabbed myself some chocolate and a cuppa tea. So I relied more on myself than I did the counsellor which is empowering but the counsellor helped because she didn’t make me feel judged and I felt safe to be vulnerable with her and that’s how a school, college and busy workplace should feel SAFE.

  • Safe to be yourself
  • Safe to be vulnerable
  • Safe to be honest

I learned that vulnerability isn’t weak, in healthy amounts its good to let your guard down to truly communicate to people your needs. Honestly if I saw one of my bullies cry I wouldn’t hurt them how they hurt me, I would help them and let them know the safety they need to be vulnerable and hope that my compassion would promote their sense of compassion not just for others but themselves as well.

Thanks for reading,

NI2M ❤️

 

 

 

 

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Starting over is f*cking hard

I didn’t mention this before but I’ve started at another new college to study business I want to study it because it could open so many doors for me professionally and I do want to start my own business as well.

What I don’t want is to be bullied or judged or gossiped about which is what I feared would happen once I came here and it was this fear that landed me in trouble… With myself

You see there was some gossiping but no one was really picking on me and they didn’t seem to be judging me. In fact I think I was being more judgemental than they were.

All through the day my anxiety had been chipping away at me but during lunch I spent some time alone, practised meditation and I was alright until… Sports day

Now I like sports just not doing them with other people especially teenagers. In high school PE (sports class) was an opportunity for my bullies to physically attack me and make it look like an accident.

I’ve had balls thrown at my face, I’d been tripped and pushed, made fun of for the way I run and picked last for teams, exposing just how much of an outsider I was and I hated it.

Nothing like that happened but the fear of it stopped me from doing pretty much anything because no one else wanted to do it and I wanted to fit in for once and not draw any attention to myself.

Eventually it was over and I ended up in the counsellor’s office crying my eyes out and venting all my frustrations that had been piling up for the past couple of weeks. That was also part of the problem, I was so sad, anxious and frustrated but those feelings couldn’t find a way out until today…in college… On my first day.. FML.

I was hoping for a fresh start, that I could put my past behind me and move on, I forgot about Post Traumatic Stress (not the disorder) for me that means remnants of bad experiences are left in the back of my mind only rising when something I associate with that bad experience (i.e. Sports= Bullying) comes up.

I need to look for CBT and DBT therapy, its honestly so frustrating how the mental health team in my town just don’t get it and just dose me up with more medication which (excuse my language) pisses me off and stresses me out even more! they didn’t even want to let me have talking therapy alongside the medication, just the medication but what the hell am I supposed to do in situations like this when I don’t have the necessary tools to overcome the bad thoughts and anxiety?

I’m not anti-medication, it has helped a lot with the emotions but with the thoughts I’m in a constant cycle that I know I need help getting out of. I think I’m going to have to start being more assertive. They say “ask for help” but now it seems like I have to demand it!

In a way though I am thankful for what happened today because it finally meant I could release those pent up emotions and face one of my fears… Being vulnerable in front of people.

I’ll probably get more into that in another post but, for now, thanks for reading ❤️

 

DepressionDiaries: The Box

I’ve been looking back on my life recently (I know, bad thing to do) and I’ve come to realise… I’ve spent my life living in a box. Not an actual box obviously but a metaphorical one.

For years I thought I would grow up to be an actress but then something changed, my heart wasn’t in it anymore and I realised the main reason I wanted to be an actress was because I felt it was the only thing I had going for me, the only thing about me people appreciated. I also had people all through my life (teachers, peers and my parents) telling me that I SHOULD do drama at GCSE, that I SHOULD be on stage, that I SHOULD go to drama school. I know I’m a talented actress, hell, pretty much everyday I would act like everything was fine and people believed me but that doesn’t mean I HAVE to be an actress.

In my second year of college I felt that acting just wasn’t my thing anymore, I didn’t need it. For a long time I used acting as an escape from myself but now I wanted to be myself, I was sick of pretending. It was at this point that I felt I was being pushed down the acting route by so many people that in the end I started pushing back.

I’d been living in a box; obeying people’s orders, listening to hurtful things and not standing up for what I believe in. The box was created by me and it was made of people’s insults, my acting talent and fear of disapproval. All of these things trapping me in a “comfort zone” although it was never very comfortable, the box prevented me from exploring my other talents and myself as a person.

It wasn’t until I started straying away from the acting route and “lifting the lid on the box” that I realised how trapped I was. I’d discovered more interests such as gaming, photography, art and writing. All of which I could pursue with the time I had once I’d left college. I have felt lost since leaving my life box as I’d been so focused on what others were saying and telling me to do that I had no idea who I am.

I realise this box was probably to do with my BPD; having a fear of others disliking and leaving you so you do what they want you to do instead of listening to yourself but that means you spend your life walking the footsteps of someone else instead of creating your own path which then leads to your identity being a blank slate and greatly influenced by others. Now I’m pretty much alone in my life, I have to figure out my true self. I’ve already figured out that I’m bisexual,I’m a blogger and I enjoy reading  but I’m not sure what I want to do career wise. I’m sure that will come in time though…

 

 

DepressionDiaries: Sick Leave 05/11/16

So today I didn’t go into college… Again. I just felt like I’d rather sleep. I did go back yesterday and it was a pretty good day but, you know, severe mood swings and identity crises basically everyday with BPD.

So my mum took me to the doctor to discuss my problems which are chronic fatigue, indecisiveness and questioning my life choices. I think I returned to college too early considering all that I’d been through over the last few months, I was probably better off taking a sort of gap year to get my act together.

Thing is I like the people at my college and using the camera but I really don’t like the coursework, the criteria is too specific and if you don’t meet their requirements you fail.

This college is better than my old one but it always comes down to sacrificing your enjoyment of a subject so you can do your work a certain way to get a certain grade even though photography is supposed to be about being creative and expressing yourself.

What I’m saying is I think I need to explore my interests more before I decide to do a university or college course. I don’t know about going back to college but I’m on sick leave thanks to the doctor for the next week so I’ll have time to rest and maybe work if I decide to stay but I’m not certain so I’ll just have to see how this week goes.

07/11/16

I’ve been doing pretty well since I’ve been on sick leave. I’ve been spending my time relaxing and taking care of myself while also working on my novel (I have a good feeling about this one) I’m fairly sure I won’t be going back to college but I’ve emailed my resubmission work to my tutor just in case I change my mind and want to go back.

I feel bad for quitting so soon. I feel like I’m letting so many people down, especially you but I hope you understand that this is what I believe is best I may go back to college as a mature student one day, hopefully by then I’ll know exactly what I want to do with my life but for now I think I’ll just explore my interests.

I hope you understand, I’m sorry if I let you down xx

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Going Down Hill

I’m going down hill again I can feel it. Like how it happened a year ago. I can’t focus, I’ve tried to do some work but instead I went into a panic attack; tight chest, difficulty breathing, crying and feeling sick. I missed college today because as soon as I woke up I was so tired and I felt like crying. I don’t want to go (to college) I thought to myself.

My half term break wasn’t exactly a break for me thanks to my brother and H but also the fact that I’ve been stressing out about college. I’ve also been let down by a friend who was supposed to be my second model for my portrait photography work but two days ago I messaged her on whatsapp asking her what times she would be free this week to do the shoot… she still hasn’t replied. Honestly I was kind of expecting it as she has let me down twice before but that just makes it worse you know? where you think badly of someone you care about and want it to be wrong but it turns out to be right.

My head feels wrong I think I may have another panic attack. Oh God, I don’t think I can do this whole college thing again. I’m losing motivation, I’m panicking, I’m tired all the damn time, I’ve started hurting myself again and just when things were starting to look up as well…

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Stay or Go?

6 weeks into my year at my new college. Honestly the struggle has been real to leave my bed, arrive on time and do my work to the best of my ability. 

My attendance is 91% while my punctuality is at 75%… not good. My mum says it’s because I’ve been out of education for six months so I need time to get used to the student  lifestyle again.

 While it has been a stuggle to get through this last 6 weeks I’ve managed to come out of it in moderately good condition. Which I am proud of myself for.

It’s done me good considering I would be doing absolutely sod all if I wasn’t in college so it keeps me busy but at times I think I would rather be at home working on a new idea for a book or just doing nothing but sleep.

Some days I really hate being at college other days I really enjoy being there. It’s hard to predict what kind of mood I would wake up in and what kind of mood I would go to bed at night in.

I’ve been enjoying our new project which is portrait photography I’ve been able to get a lot of ideas for my shots but at the same time my ideas have to be good enough for the people that mark my work.

The fact that I didn’t do well in the previous project has knocked my confidence as well. So question is do I leave the college or Stay there?

After some thinking I decided I would give myself two more chances. The Resubmission of my first assignment to show that I can take feedback and improve.

Then there is my new project which I can see myself doing better with than the previous project. So next week is the resub deadline then the week after is the portrait project deadline. 2 or 3 weeks that will help me decide my future. 

At the same time I need to raise my attendance and punctuality. Those things I’m not so sure I can sort out.

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Week 6 At My New College

I don’t really remember anything from the beginning of this week which means it wasn’t very interesting. The last two days (yesterday and today) however were more lively.

Yesterday I was in a really good mood I think it was because I knew what I wanted to do with my work, there were some bouts of frustration but apart from that things were good.

Today I was really nervous because we would be getting our feedback for our first assignment. When I did get my feedback I was devastated because I didn’t do as well as I wanted and I have quite a lot to do for my resubmission alongside our new assignment.

I cried in the bathroom for a while until my friend came to take me to lunch as we were working in the studio together before lesson but we had to eat first.

I was still upset for a while and my friend (we’ll call her Sonia) was trying to make me feel better but really wasn’t she had good intentions though.

We had a lot of fun doing studio work. We played around with make up, positions, lighting and mood. We had a laugh while also being able to get some really good shots which put me in a much better mood.

It’s half term break now so I will be doing some work but I’ll make sure I have a good break especially as I’m going on holiday for a week 🙂

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: I hurt myself but I’m okay with that…

Warning: This post talks about self harm read with caution.

Well… I gave in. I hurt myself it wasn’t just because of this bad day either. At college I’ve been getting super drained to the point that I would sleep the rest of the afternoon or evening away depending on when I arrived home.

I’ve been feeling very tired physically and emotionally to the point that I spend most of my spare time asleep or reading instead of something more productive that I like such as writing stories or drawing. Honestly it’s kind of depressing me.

I was lying in bed this evening feeling absolutely miserable and exhausted unable to sleep though because I didn’t want to and all I could think about was how self harm would sort of wake me up through a surge of adrenaline making me feel more alive rather than dormant in a haze of boredom and fatigue.

I’m really sorry to everyone who believed in me, I’m sorry I let you all down but I hope you understand right now I need to hurt myself so I can do more than just work, eat and sleep. 

I won’t cut don’t worry so there’s no risk of losing too much blood, I will use non-lethal methods of hurting myself and I’ll try not to do it too often, only when I need to.

You may think I’m weak, relapsing again but understand I’m using this to push through fatigue and get through the day if anything I’m pretty damn strong as I could just not go to college at all but I know I’ve got to keep trying with it (it’s only been 5 weeks) I will be okay once I can handle college properly.

NI2M❤

DepressionDiaries: A bad day

It’s been one of those days where you regret even leaving your bed and going outside.

First I got caught in traffic for TWO HOURS and arrived an hour late to class this morning.

Next my Mac started playing up while I was trying to work. So frustrating.

Then at break time there was hardly anything in the canteen that I wanted to eat so I just picked something at random, I was too hungry to care what it tasted like.

And just when I thought nothing else could go wrong… I lost my favourite bookmark that was a souvenir from my most recent holiday before things went from bad to worse and I ended up in a psychiatric ward.

I’ve been tired (even though I got roughly 7-8hours sleep last night) and grumpy basically all day and about ready to break down crying if anything else went wrong.

Fortunately when I arrived home from college I promptly fell asleep for a couple of hours and woke up in a slightly better mood. 

Sleep and food seem to be the solution I use for all problems which isn’t exactly healthy considering I could be more productive but at least I am eating and sleeping better than I used to.

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Speaking Up

We were in the studio. Our teacher had left for a while thinking he could trust us to get on with the task he set. When he left people started moaning that they didn’t want to do anything and I got annoyed with them.

I have depression, I didn’t want to even leave my bed this morning and yet I am here so shut up and get on with the task so we can go to lunch on time. I spend most of my day looking forward to my next meal which is great considering before the ward I had very little interest in eating.

“C’mon guys let’s get on with it” I projected my voice so people would pay attention to me. Eventually the slackers got up and we worked together to model and take photos for eachother.

One of the girls, let’s call her Kiera, had decided to make fun of a picture of this other girl ( let’s make her Jody) which we all found funny but when Jody said we were upsetting her I had the decency to shut up. Whereas others (especially Kiera) didn’t stop and kept poking fun at Jody who I know is sensitive about her appearance even though I think she’s really pretty.

“Guys, this is basically bullying just leave it” I said to them and they calmed down slightly but didn’t delete the photo they were making fun of Jody for. It was my turn to use the camera next so I deleted it instead.

Later on another girl (there are a lot of girls in my class) had to model even though she didn’t want to but she understood everyone has to be the model at least once. Kiera decided to use her phone and take photos of the girl while she was modelling for the photographer. 

At first the girl humoured Kiera  but then had enough and started hiding her face as Kiera also seemed to be making fun of her playing on her sensitivity about her appearance. As if it wasn’t bad enough,what Kiera did next absolutely disgusted me. She set one of the pictures of the girl as the profile picture for a group chat that I’m not involved in, she showed it to me laughing her head off. 

I remember a couple of “friends” taking rather embarassing photos of me and how I caught them  sharing and laughing at them with eachother when I thought they had deleted them. I remember how angry and betrayed I felt so would hate to think how that girl would feel if she knew what Kiera was doing especially if I laughed with her.

“I actually think she looks quite cute” I stated. Which was true even though the girl was messing around in the shot she looked quite adorable…

NI2M❤