TRIGGER WARNING: This post mentions thoughts of self harm and suicidality
Today has not been a good day. My anxiety has been through the roof and I found myself in tears multiple times. First when I went out walking, my knees and shins hurt from running yesterday (I think my feet hit the ground too hard) but that’s just a sidenote and not the reason I started crying. I started crying because I was having thoughts like “I’m so alone” “no one cares” “I’m tired of trying” I ended up sitting on a fallen tree and letting the tears roll down my face.
The next time I started crying was when I came home and got in a bit of a tiff with my mum, I was full blown sobbing then. I don’t think it helped finding out my sister could no longer go out for walks with us so my mum and I would have to go out seperately (someone has to stay home with my sister) so no more family walks to look forward to for us.
I’ve got a bit of a hayfever going on so my eyes are already dry and puffy without the tears. I feel really lethargic as well, I could barely muster up the energy to do my befriending calls but I did. Though now I’m anxious that I’m in trouble because I messed up, I’m hoping it’s not as bad as I feel it is and my brain’s just catastrophizing it.
I’m just finding it so hard to relax and just be happy you know? I’m constantly worried and on edge yet I also feel so low, the temptation to hurt myself has been hard to not give in to and thoughts like “I wish I was dead” have been swimming around my head. I feel dissociated, physically exhausted but mentally buzzing yet fuzzy. I just don’t know what to do to feel better. Think I need some sleep so I may try going to bed soon. I just want everything to stop for a while, just let time still so I don’t feel like I’m constantly racing against the clock.
I just want to clarify that I am safe, I’m not in any immediate danger and if the thoughts do get any worse I will get in touch with a helpline such as samaritans or SHOUT. Thank you for reading.