Lockdown Life: A Lot Of Crying

TRIGGER WARNING: This post mentions thoughts of self harm and suicidality

Today has not been a good day. My anxiety has been through the roof and I found myself in tears multiple times. First when I went out walking, my knees and shins hurt from running yesterday (I think my feet hit the ground too hard) but that’s just a sidenote and not the reason I started crying. I started crying because I was having thoughts like “I’m so alone” “no one cares” “I’m tired of trying” I ended up sitting on a fallen tree and letting the tears roll down my face.

The next time I started crying was when I came home and got in a bit of a tiff with my mum, I was full blown sobbing then. I don’t think it helped finding out my sister could no longer go out for walks with us so my mum and I would have to go out seperately (someone has to stay home with my sister) so no more family walks to look forward to for us.

I’ve got a bit of a hayfever going on so my eyes are already dry and puffy without the tears. I feel really lethargic as well, I could barely muster up the energy to do my befriending calls but I did. Though now I’m anxious that I’m in trouble because I messed up, I’m hoping it’s not as bad as I feel it is and my brain’s just catastrophizing it.

I’m just finding it so hard to relax and just be happy you know? I’m constantly worried and on edge yet I also feel so low, the temptation to hurt myself has been hard to not give in to and thoughts like “I wish I was dead” have been swimming around my head. I feel dissociated, physically exhausted but mentally buzzing yet fuzzy. I just don’t know what to do to feel better. Think I need some sleep so I may try going to bed soon. I just want everything to stop for a while, just let time still so I don’t feel like I’m constantly racing against the clock.

I just want to clarify that I am safe, I’m not in any immediate danger and if the thoughts do get any worse I will get in touch with a helpline such as samaritans or SHOUT. Thank you for reading.

Much love,

Gabby ♥️

Published by normalistoomainstream

I'm currently writing a blog series called Depression Diaries which is my personal account of what it's like to live with depression. I've also been recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder which I'm working on making sense of and dealing with it. I want to help people understand depression and BPD better and give comfort to those who can relate to my posts.

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