I wasn’t going to write a blog post today but as I sat in my room contemplating how I got into this exact point in time, I got the inspiration. You know when you look back on your life reminiscing or regretting that’s what I’ve been doing. I don’t know why but for some reason a memory would pop into my head and then I would just delve deep into that memory, like if I remember vividly enough I could literally go back to that time.
Thing is these aren’t even good memories. My brain’s topic of interest lately is college (or the second year of it that went horribly wrong) it all started when I did terribly on an exam, getting that result dragged my euphoric mood right down into despair, I cried a lot that day and nearly ripped up the certificate with my one good grade because I didn’t feel like I deserved it because I felt like a failure.
Things got worse from there almost like some higher power was throwing everything it had at me to watch me suffer. I was supposed to do a presentation with this girl who abandoned me last minute to work with the guy I had a crush on so I was left to face my phobia of public speaking by myself. I could have killed that girl but I just reported her and my crush must have found out what happened because he said “well done” to me so… But I still hated that girl with a burning passion.
Next a guy I befriended started stalking me around the college. Like he would wait for me outside of my classrooms when I didn’t tell him my timetable so he either somehow discovered it or he was following me to each class, either way it was creepy and I felt really unsafe. I had a panic attack about it in front of my psychology teacher who took me to safeguard but they didn’t take me seriously and weren’t going to do anything about it and that’s when I realised the people in the college who were supposed to care for my wellbeing and mental health simply… Didn’t.
The final straw came when I was seeing a mentor to help me catch up on work I missed after I’d taken sick leave for severe depression. I told him about my ambition to work on a radio show and he said that wouldn’t be possible because my high school grades were “average”. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back because I’d worked hard to get through school and I was lucky to get the grades I did, I was dealing with undiagnosed mental health issues, daily bullying and family issues. At that point I felt like I’d fought so hard to get so far just for people to tell me it wasn’t enough.
It wasn’t the end though, I started working for a charity, completed an internship and started this blog. I’ve been beating myself up for years for not being able to complete college though and since then I got into a cycle of self sabotage because I considered myself a quitter, failure. I look back on it and think that the first year of college had been the best of my life but it all fell apart… I fell apart. It this time of my life I have the most regret over yet there wasn’t a lot I could do, I was ill and that college was a source of great amount of stress for me yet I still blamed myself. I look back on the first year and wish I could relive it again and again but then I remember how good things never last long with me.
I suppose because of this lockdown and everything being put on hold I have more time to ruminate and less distractions so I keep going down into that spiral of nostalgia and despair, trying to cling to the good but even that is tinged with sadness because it’s over and it can never come back. Then again maybe a higher power was throwing all that bad stuff my way to push me off the wrong path and on to the right one. It’s clear that college wasn’t the place for me as I tried multiple colleges after that which also didn’t work out but I signed up to volunteer by chance and I ended up learning many skills that could be more applied to jobs than a college or university grade. I also started this blog that has come a long way since then and I like to think it’s making a difference to at least one person’s life. I still wish college could have worked out because I love learning and studying but alas, as they say, it was not meant to be.
Thank you for reading. Stay safe ♥️