BPD and Commitment/Consistency Issues

I’ve honestly lost count of the amount of projects I’ve started but haven’t finished. The would be bestsellers left incomplete and unpublished.  The art project I did one piece for but haven’t continued, even courses I didn’t finish studying as well as youtube channels discontinued and deleted.

I have days of creative inspiration and want to get my ideas out there and I do really well for a few days or weeks but then the inspiration dies and I no longer have the motivation to do the things I set out to do.

I think this blog is the only thing I’ve commited to properly and even then there are big dips in my productivity for months after a phase of doing really well with posts. So what causes me to discontinue things I was so passionate about?

Disappointment. 

When I’m in a euphoric BPD mood I can feel on top of the world and have high hopes for what I do. Like I could totally be a viral sensation or I imagine doing these things as fantastic and feeling good doing them but when it actually comes to doing these things, its not as good as I’d hoped. Like an art piece doesn’t look as good as it did in my head. I get disappointed, feel hopeless and like I failed and this causes me to give up on the dream I had for the idea.

MOOD SWINGS

With BPD I don’t know what mood I’m going to be in from hour to hour or day to day. I’m more stabilized and my moods change less frequently and quickly with my meds but its still a problem for me. Like I said I can have periods of time feeling motivated, hopeful and inspired but a few hours later I can be depressed and disinterested in everything that interested me before. It gets worse when PMS hits, I can have days and weeks of feeling down and my brain being too hazy to create anything. I can be really motivated to do something at night but when I wake up in the morning I don’t want to do it anymore for whatever reason, usually a lack of energy.

PERSONALITY SHIFTS

Like my mood, my personality can experience changes. I find youtube hard to do as I feel the pressure to have some sort of identity and a consistent personality throughout videos but that’s not the case for me. It usually depends on my environment what kind of person I feel like. For example I was in a bookshop and there I suddenly felt a passion for reading and wanted to start writing a story, then I went into a spiritual shop where I then felt tranquil, I wanted to meditate and do yoga. I do still like these things but when I’m at home I don’t feel as inspired to do these things regularly.

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I’ve recently finished DBT therapy and even that was hard to do consistently, every week I’d feel  different about it. When I first started the treatment I was so hopeful and committed to getting better that going to therapy each week seemed exciting until it wasn’t. I got tired of fighting the disorder and just wanted to get on with life like a normal person. When my therapist upset me by making me talk about my trauma and I stopped wanting to see her as I felt hurt and betrayed. I believe I missed at least 3 sessions and we skipped quite a lot of the skills so the treatment could finish in the three months it needed to be done. I think that’s one of the reasons BPD can be hard to treat because we can find it hard to attend sessions consistently for the reasons listed above(mood, disillusion and personality changes). I have learned a lot and I think enough to get me by for the next 6months-year before I can go to DBT group so the struggle was worth it 🙂

Its been hard for me to even start anything because I don’t see the point as I probably won’t continue/finish it anyway. However I do have some ideas as to what works for me in getting me to be more consistent with things and to stop being hard on myself when I miss a week of doing something. These are the ideas:

Managing Expectations– I found when starting something or first meeting someone my imagination would run wild with all the great possibilities of what would happen. This would lead me to expect unrealistically great things of myself and others. For example “I could make a really good art project even though I haven’t done art for months” I’d expect too much of myself and others too fast so would end up disappointed when it didn’t work out how I hoped. When I find this happening mindfulness can be a good way to ground myself and stop from running with excitement and fantasy. Making notes of the facts can help as well like yes I could do these things but I’m out of practice so its best to start with something simple.

Small Goals– Leading on from that, when I have an idea or desire to do something I like to plan how I’m going to do it, thing is I tend not to stick to the plan as it is unrealistic. I can still think of a step by step plan but It’s better to make the first step manageable and then gradually build up like levels of a video game. Its best for me not to set time limits or plan when I’m going to do these things as my brain tends to not conform to schedules For example I want to practice meditation everyday in order to reduce emotional suffering. It would be unrealistic for me to expect myself to be able to do 30 minutes of meditation at the same time everyday. Therefore the first step to being that good at meditation could be to spend two minutes meditating every other day. Then once I’ve got the hang of that I can slowly increase the time and frequency until I reach my goal.

Sticking to Values– In DBT you’re taught how to gain more of a sense of self by making note of your values, what you believe is most important to you. When I first did this, it was hard for me to think of anything as I felt I had no real values but over time I looked at what made me feel passionate or angry. My trigger for anger is when I see people being treated unfairly so I figured one of my core values is JUSTICE and EQUALITY. When deciding on your goals its good to remember your values and work with them instead of working towards goals that you think you should because of someone else. For me this would mean I’m more likely to stick to the goal I set as its true to myself whereas I don’t feel comfortable with conformity so to set a goal based on someone else’s values would go against my own and I’d be more likely to “rebel” and go my own way.

Thank you for reading, I hope this post was insightful, there’s no resources this time as I couldn’t seem to find much about this topic but if you happen to know of any articles or videos that could be useful then please feel free to comment the links or just let me know your experience with changing hobbies and interests. thanks again. hopefully see you in the next one xx

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