REJECTION WITH BPD

I’ve lost count how many jobs I applied for and times I got rejected before I finally got a really good job. It was a temporary contract though so now I’m back on the market looking for a new job. After my previous success I had high hopes for the next application I made, only to get rejected again. I found it hard to cope after that, I felt like my world had been rocked but I didn’t really pay attention to those feelings until my most recent job application.

I’d wanted to do some prep before the interview but when I tried to research and prepare my answers thoughts such as “this is pointless” “I’m not good enough” and “what’s the point in trying if they’re just going to reject me” started invading my mind. I got really upset and abandoned the mission. I struggled to understand why I was suddenly so depressed when just a month ago I was so hopeful and happy to get a new job. Then after my latest interview it hit me. Rejection.

I hadn’t realised until then just how much my BPD still affects me. The reason I was so hopeful back in January was because of my previous success but then I got rejected and that affected my mood.

You see, people with BPD try so hard to be accepted, to avoid rejection from people as well as abandonment. I knew that application rejections happen all the time to everyone but that didn’t stop the hurt. Feeling like I wasn’t good enough or disliked. It was worse when the interviewers would reject me without giving a reason or feedback, so I didn’t know what I did wrong and how I could fix it to be accepted next time.

The job applications, interviews and rejections were a long, disappointing, depressing process. I imagine it would be rough for a “normal” person but everything seems X10 worse when you have BPD. I’m happy I had at least that one successful time though, it has helped me feel more optimistic that someone somewhere will like and accept me. It just feels like finding a needle in a haystack and the harder and longer I have to look the more hopeless and frustrated I get.

Every rejection feels like a slap in the face, even though I know it can’t be personal and questions start swarming my headspace “why didn’t they like me?” “Why do I even bother trying?” “What did I do wrong?” “Why do they hate me?” And on it goes. The other side to how I would react to rejection was blaming “the powers that be” in the company, I remember getting rejected after a trial shift and thinking “that shift leader was a bitch, she probably talked shit about me to the managers” even though she would have been reprimanded for doing something like that so she probably didn’t. I still held a grudge against that poor girl for months.

The first company I ever applied for also rejected me after a trial shift, not long after that they ended up being shut down and I celebrated like “that’s what you get for rejecting me, assholes” as if they rejected me because of some personal vendetta they had against me. I used to take job rejection way too personally so how have I managed to not crumble from all this rejection?

Well, firstly, I’ve been trying to change my concept of rejection, instead of thinking “I wasn’t right for the job” I try thinking “Maybe the job wasn’t right for me”. Thinking this way has helped heal the hurt I felt after being rejected so many times. I also use my free time to plan and do other things I enjoy so I don’t get too bored or isolated. I’ve been going to groups at my local wellbeing centre as well as attending DBT sessions weekly and doing voluntary work on Saturdays. I’d like to start doing more soon to prepare me for paid work again as, when I worked as a Christmas temp, the time and the energy required was overwhelming considering it was my first paid job. Recently I’ve come to accept that I may not be ready for paid work and I should stop pushing myself so hard for a while. For now I think I need to focus on my recovery and hopefully I’ll be able to work in the future.

Read how Val Prozorova overcame anger and fear of rejection while dealing with BPD:

How I Learned to Love Failure and Beat BPD at Its Own Game

and check out Recovery Mum’s videos on BPD and Rejection:

More videos to show some love:

Published by normalistoomainstream

I'm currently writing a blog series called Depression Diaries which is my personal account of what it's like to live with depression. I've also been recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder which I'm working on making sense of and dealing with it. I want to help people understand depression and BPD better and give comfort to those who can relate to my posts.

4 thoughts on “REJECTION WITH BPD

  1. I’ve also been rejected for jobs time and time again, and I can tell you that 99% of the time it’s not personal at all. One of my agents told me that there are so many reasons companies don’t hire certain people and a lot of the time it’s got nothing to do with them not liking you as a person. A lot of the time they’ve already had interviews with other people and they have a bias towards one, and even though they still have others to interview, that one person stays in the top of their mind, clouding the other interviewees. So now I don’t take rejection for jobs personally. It’s not worth it. Also, that’s why I’ve started my own business. Realized I don’t want to work for someone else (even though for the time being I still work 4 hours a day in my dad’s business because I need the money, and do my own business stuff the rest of the time).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s awesome you started your own business! I’ve been considering doing that myself but I don’t know what I’d do 🤷 I’ve taken a break from job applications for now as when I was working my mental health started spiralling down again but when I’m ready I’m thinking of making rejections like a game, I read about it in article that someone made a target number of job rejections to make her feel more positive about them, I might try that myself ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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