This year was a year of change for me, I feel I’ve changed a lot from who I was at the start of this year. The change started when I started receiving treatment for my borderline personality disorder. Over time with this treatment I found fear, anxiety, resentment and just about every emotion stopped consuming me. I still take my medication and plan to have some counselling in the new year but things have definitely improved with me.
I’ve lost a lot but also gained a lot this year. It’s been very up and down as I struggled to find my own identity (which I’m still not sure of but I’m getting there). I thought I would end this year on a positive note and remember how good this year has been for me, not easy and sometimes painful but everything happened for the best at the end of the day. So here we go;
- I got my first paid job– It was temporary but it was a job I always dreamed of getting, I was a bookseller at my favourite bookstore which I loved (not just because of the 50% staff discount lol) it was challenging but I managed to pull through
- I gained more courage– A lot of things happened to me this year that past me would have been SHOOK over, maybe even suicidal but this time that wasn’t the case, I still have suicidal and self harm tendencies but those ways of coping are a last resort for me. I only turn to those things if my new and more healthy coping mechanisms don’t work (writing, drawing etc) but circumstances didn’t break me so much this time, I grieved but I also believed that better days were coming and that the time of mourning would be over eventually
- I met new people– At work I was so lucky to work with the people I did, they were so loving and friendly I just wanted to give them all a hug and I did. On the day I finally opened up to my manager about my problems she was so nice and gave me a hug which I then passed on to all my colleagues XD
- I am not perfect but I am much better than I was– As I said earlier I still have issues but they don’t overwhelm me as much as they used to anymore. In fact I have been working on writing a story based on trauma from my childhood as a way of processing it, I never would even consider that a few months ago!
- Trying new things– recently I’ve been getting into spirituality and wicca which has been helping me a lot, I’ve started a blog about it lol. I’m not saying that you should be more spiritual but I suggest trying new things that you’ve considered but were too wary of trying, it might end up being your new “thing”
- I’m learning to love myself more– I used to be hard on myself about EVERYTHING, mistakes were more of an unforgivable sin to me but working has made me put self blame and hatred aside. Mistakes are what you learn from, we are human beings and we can get things wrong, it doesn’t make you “bad” or “stupid” I’ve learned to go easy on myself and preach the same self love to others. Self care isn’t selfish and self love is not the same as arrogance. I believe it is important to love and take care of yourself so you can show the same love and care to others as I learned if you’re hard on yourself, you’ll be hard on others too.
I haven’t been posting on here lately, mainly because I haven’t really felt like it, you see I come to this blog when I’m struggling but a lot of my struggles seem to have been repeating themselves in a cycle, more and more posts just felt more like a rehash of another but this blog has helped me so much and I hope its helped you too, know that whatever you’re struggling with you are not alone. Thank you so much for coming on this journey with me, I’ve grown a lot but it wouldn’t have been without your love and support. This may or may not be my last post on this site, we’ll just have to see what the new year brings, lets hope its a good one 😉
Happy New year, Much love