I’ve been doing really well recently, I’ve got back into voluntary work, I start my first paid job next week! And I may be getting another if a friend of mine needs help in her shop over Christmas.
What’s not going so well is the healthy habits I started practising. meditation, positive affirmations and reading self help books. They were working really well but then I started getting into arguments with people (which I actually heard is a normal thing when you’re making changes with your life, especially relationships) and getting really angry with them for not understanding my POV but you can’t force anyone to right?
But since that I have not had the motivation to keep up with the positive habits for two reasons 1) I thought if there are so many shitty people in the world who refuse to take responsibility for their actions and don’t even try to change, why should I?
I’m no saint but I know not everything is my fault either, I used to blame myself for everything but I realise now I’m not responsible for everyone’s feelings or actions, it’s how they choose to react and that’s fine, I can’t hold myself responsible for everything that goes wrong and it is not my duty to keep everyone happy at the price of my own happiness.
Reason number two is if I keep doing the work on myself and life things are just going to keep changing and I’m not sure I’m ready, I’ve come so far already and made some sacrifices to help myself live a better life but I’m stuck again at that stage of change where everything old is gone but nothing new is coming in. Life seems a bit stagnant at the moment and I do want new things but I’m also a bit wary, the possibilities of what could happen at this new job are endless. I also have awesome plans for the new year, I’m excited but also nervous because yes things could get better but things can go wrong as well… Ugh I refuse to self sabotage at this point, I may have made mistakes and I feel bad for them but that does not mean I need to punish myself in order to make it better, I’ve been doing that for years and its time to stop, forgive myself, forgive others and move on.
Like I said though the motivation to keep up the good work has wilted like I don’t even want to touch my life right now because “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” I feel I’ve done all I can do for now, I got rid of a lot of the old and done some healing work so what next?
Right now meditation, positive affirmations and all that feels stupid even though I know it’s not but recently the rather negative aspect of myself has been at the forefront, saying everything positive is stupid or patronising and reality is a shitshow and I should be more “normal” unfortunately normal to me means being pessimistic. Don’t get too happy or comfortable because something could go wrong at any moment; my motto when I was younger was “never hope for things because you’ll end up disappointed” I know I was a gloomy 9 year old.
I’m proud to say with the help of medication, neurofeedback and self help books I’m not so much like that anymore. This is probably just a rough patch and I’ll be okay. One thing I learned about myself is that no matter what happens to me, I’m very good at bouncing back…
Thanks for reading,