Resistance To Change

I’ve been doing really well recently, I’ve got back into voluntary work, I start my first paid job next week! And I may be getting another if a friend of mine needs help in her shop over Christmas.

What’s not going so well is the healthy habits I started practising. meditation, positive affirmations and reading self help books. They were working really well but then I started getting into arguments with people (which I actually heard is a normal thing when you’re making changes with your life, especially relationships) and getting really angry with them for not understanding my POV but you can’t force anyone to right?

But since that I have not had the motivation to keep up with the positive habits for two reasons 1) I thought if there are so many shitty people in the world who refuse to take responsibility for their actions and don’t even try to change, why should I?

I’m no saint but I know not everything is my fault either, I used to blame myself for everything but I realise now I’m not responsible for everyone’s feelings or actions, it’s how they choose to react and that’s fine, I can’t hold myself responsible for everything that goes wrong and it is not my duty to keep everyone happy at the price of my own happiness.

Reason number two is if I keep doing the work on myself and life things are just going to keep changing and I’m not sure I’m ready, I’ve come so far already and made some sacrifices to help myself live a better life but I’m stuck again at that stage of change where everything old is gone but nothing new is coming in. Life seems a bit stagnant at the moment and I do want new things but I’m also a bit wary, the possibilities of what could happen at this new job are endless. I also have awesome plans for the new year, I’m excited but also nervous because yes things could get better but things can go wrong as well… Ugh I refuse to self sabotage at this point, I may have made mistakes and I feel bad for them but that does not mean I need to punish myself in order to make it better, I’ve been doing that for years and  its time to stop, forgive myself, forgive others and move on.

Like I said though the motivation to keep up the good work has wilted like I don’t even want to touch my life right now because “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” I feel I’ve done all I can do for now, I got rid of a lot of the old and done some healing work so what next?

Right now meditation, positive affirmations and all that feels stupid even though I know it’s not but recently the rather negative aspect of myself has been at the forefront, saying everything positive is stupid or patronising and reality is a shitshow and I should be more “normal” unfortunately normal to me means being pessimistic. Don’t get too happy or comfortable because something could go wrong at any moment; my motto when I was younger was “never hope for things because you’ll end up disappointed” I know I was a gloomy 9 year old.

I’m proud to say with the help of medication, neurofeedback and self help books I’m not so much like that anymore. This is probably just a rough patch and I’ll be okay. One thing I learned about myself is that no matter what happens to me, I’m very good at bouncing back…

Thanks for reading,

NI2M ❤️

Self Pity or Compassion?

I did some research into what self pity is and, while it is generally seen as feeling sorry for one’s self and something that should not be done because it is “weak” or “pathetic”, it is actually something that many of us should practise in small doses.

You see, if you are as empathetic as I am you have probably found yourself crying at a sad scene in movies or unable to watch the news because of how upset seeing others suffer makes you feel. That is compassion yet we are taught not to extend the same compassion to ourselves because it is “selfish” and self pity

I’ve tried to explain to people many times to try and get them to understand what goes on inside my head but a lot of people who view this as self pity do not show compassion for themselves so how can they show any for me?

Feeling sorry for yourself is okay because it’s a cruel world out there and sometimes all you’ve got is yourself.

Only you can truly understand what you are going through so it is up to you to show yourself the kindness and compassion that others may not have shown you.

That being said it is important not to “wallow” in self pity I think just enough to make yourself cry so you can release your stress hormones and then move on.

It is important to practise the compassion we show others on ourselves. So treat yourself like you would treat another person in the same situation (assuming that would be with kindness and empathy)

How you treat others is a reflection of how you treat yourself so how you treat yourself has a great affect on others, treat yourself with love and kindness and others will feel it too.

Thanks for reading,

NI2M ❤️

The Patterns From My Past

4febdb05b1616eee5bd5b30c847629b9The last fall out with a friend was a rather aggressive one, on both parts and whilst I don’t like to admit things getting to me (although its actually normal to be upset because we were close friends) there was something she said that had been playing a little on my mind even before the fight “All your friendships that failed, you’re the problem” she also said I was “toxic” and I should go back to “wallowing in my self pity”

Now some of the things she said sounded unlike her and the wallowing in self pity part sounded like a judgement from her own mind. She always had difficulty expressing her emotions and I guess she sees crying or even admitting your feelings as “weak” or “self pity” she’s seen my blogs before and I have had comments complaining about why I am talking about mental health issues and the past. That’s the difficult thing about writing so openly, people who see any signs of vulnerability as a weakness hate it even though they are hard on you for expressing yourself because they can’t express themselves for fear of being judged.

I know this because I used to be the same way (I discussed this unhealthy attitude towards vulnerability in my post “learning to be vulnerable”) but when I came on wordpress and saw so many people talking about their feelings and hardship I felt inspired and understood, it was through writing this blog that I learned about BPD and got the diagnosis for it, this blog has helped me process and heal from the past but there is one thing that I hadn’t considered until my friend said “you’re the problem”

Maybe I am but not in the way she probably thinks. You see, I’ve been reading ‘You can Heal our Life’ by Louise hay and she talks about the negative patterns we get into because of the past. In another book called ‘Truth Of Spirit’ it was discussed that we get into relationships that mirrored our parents’

425dedd3ead6eba28a25e5ae34993299Now, I don’t remember what my parents relationship was like but I imagine based on my friendships, it wasn’t good. My dad had an affair so there was DECEIT which I have experienced in my friendships from both my end and theirs. My mother also said that they didn’t really communicate before he left so there was MISCOMMUNICATION or even no communication at all, this I also found in friendships, again from both ends. Then my dad left and I don’t remember but mum said I was extremely angry and the BPD issues started, I would subconsciously fear people abandoning me. All my friendships I ended by choice, I abandoned them the way I felt my dad abandoned me. So, do you see where I’m coming from?

I also read an article about BPD and at one point it mentioned that someone with BPD can instantly leave a person who has hurt them as to not give that person a chance to hurt them again and I believe that is also what I do. We attract the people who confirm our beliefs, so maybe I subconsciously believed that “people are not loyal to me” “people hurt me” “people are selfish” or even “I’m not deserving of true friendships” these beliefs would create the pattern I got myself into with friends.

I’m not saying that it was all my fault or the other people’s fault, we just do the best we can with the knowledge we have and the plus side to realizing that I am “the problem” is that I am easier to “fix” than trying to fix the other person or situation. I’ve learned that playing the blame game is a losing one, if you blame others and believe that they are the problem then your life will not change as you feel you are not in control but if you blame yourself for everything, you put a tonne of weight on your shoulders by making yourself feel responsible for everything and you end up in a spiral of guilt and self hatred with the belief “everything is my fault” which then attracts people who will treat you like everything is your fault.

So I believe everyone should take responsibility for their actions but that doesn’t mean shaming yourself it means seeing where you went wrong and what you could do better for next time, life doesn’t come with an instruction manual and we are not born to know everything, I don’t even think we’re meant to know everything as humans, but I believe that we are meant to learn and grow as much as possible through life and by becoming aware of your thoughts,beliefs and patterns and changing them, you can change your life.This was proven to me a while ago where I practiced positive affirmations and imagined I had the dream job I wanted and I got it! Positive change doesn’t come through negative feelings such as guilt and self hatred it comes from loving and taking care of yourself because once you do that, I believe, you will attract more loving and caring people but I will be putting that to the test 😉

Thanks for reading

NI2M ❤

Practicing Positivity for Job Success

For a long time I had an aggressive mentality, it got me through high school and got me working hard… Too hard. You see, I would criticize myself and push myself too much so I could do more because then I thought that would mean I would deserve more but nothing I ever did was good enough for me, I was always comparing myself to others especially on YouTube. I deleted my old channel because “it wasn’t as good as others” and I was always thinking “why can’t you be more like them?” I was like a critical parent and while this attitude did make me more productive it destroyed me emotionally.

I had a friend who was the same, I remember him being angry at himself for not having a job and he said he wouldn’t go on benefits because he was  “better than that” me and my family were on benefits (not by choice!) But instead of defending myself telling him why he was wrong for thinking like that I started to get angry at myself for not having a job and being on benefits

I remember asking my mum if I could get a job working in college and she said no because then I wouldn’t get the funds needed for my studies, I was really furious about that but in hindsight it was a good thing I didn’t get the job because I was struggling enough as it was. I blamed my emotional distress on not having a job or working. I thought if I work and earn money then I’ll be contributing more and be more worthy.

I was stuck with this mentality for months. Always thinking “my mental health and self esteem will get better if I have a job”

After leaving college due to severe depression I didn’t give myself a break, I didn’t think I deserved one for being “lazy” a “quitter” and a “failure” instead I went straight into an internship that lasted roughly 6 months.

I thought it would be easy to get a job after that… It wasn’t. I grew frustrated with myself as I attached my self worth to whether or not I had a job. I was growing desperate. My ex friend signed me up to work at McDonald’s as a joke but honestly at that point if they wanted me I would have taken it because it was better than nothing. If you work at McDonald’s by the way I admire you, fast food seems like a difficult job and you deserve more credit and pay. Even if you don’t have a job and are on benefits that’s okay as well just don’t beat yourself up about it, my friends just had a really unhealthy attitude towards work like I used to.

Anyway I got desperate enough that I found myself working in a restaurant with a manager who liked to exploit her staff. Making them work nearly 9 hours without a break. Making them do things and not paying them for their work. I hated it, I felt like crying the entire time I was there but I was desperate so stayed another day. I trialed 2 days but left when I realised just how much I was compromising myself just for money. I was tired, depressed and lied to impress the people there so they would like me ( (I hate lying) I left after the second day and cried my eyes out in a church because I felt like a failure.

I felt like it was hopeless but I wasn’t going to give up so I tried a different approach. I tried positive affirmations, giving myself compliments and imagining the best outcome in my job applications. I spent an entire afternoon fantasizing about having my dream job which was to be a bookseller, I recited positive affirmations like they were lines from a script. Guess what? I got a job interview with my favourite bookshop! I continued my positive work for the interview and while I did nearly have a panic attack I repeated to myself “I can do this” and I did it and guess what? I GOT THE JOB!!!

My dream job and I didn’t get it by hating myself I got it by practicing kindness on myself, it made me feel better and confident which must have come across in my interview. I’m so happy. It wasn’t easy though as, when you’ve been stuck with a negative mentality for years its hard to break out of that pattern so it really takes practice to think and feel better.

I recommend reading You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay and The Power by Rhonda Byrne as they really helped me but I’ll also link some videos that helped as well 🙂

Thanks for reading

much love ❤