My childhood was not fun, my mental health issues started at 6 and forgot everything before that, my childhood involved a lot of trauma and I don’t remember who I was before that trauma but I remember who I became. I was very destructive in nature tearing down my own dad with harsh words, nearly stabbing my rapist with a fork, getting into silly fights that got physical in school and crying nearly everyday. As I write this I remember the pain and the loneliness child me felt so deeply then to grow up and have that pain invalidated and overlooked not just by others but myself as well was just another trauma added to the list.
You see I was bullied for being so sensitive and soon I learned to suppress my feelings and be afraid of my anger because to everyone else it was unjustified so I started to push the pain away; cried alone in my room, self harmed to get my anger out because I didn’t see any other way , my self esteem was shit so anything I created I would put down because I would hear my stupid teachers’ say in my head I did it wrong or it’s not good enough. I couldn’t express my anger in school or to my family because it was wrong and nothing I created was good enough and that would just make me even more upset.
You’re probably thinking why are you writing this if its so painful? and my answer is the reason why I started this blog in the first place; to express what has already been going on in my head and make sense of it somehow. This blog has been the only way I felt free to express myself and I feel like this blog has grown with me since I started but there were things I didn’t get into because I didn’t want to look and was told not to look but by not looking the past pounced on me for attention. I ignored little me’s cries for justice and help.
Recently I’ve been visualizing my younger self crying and in pain and I would hug her because really that’s all she wanted; someone to hug her and tell her that it was okay, that she’s not a monster or a freak and that her cries are heard and her feelings matter. Sometimes doing this, I would physically hug myself which is weird but does help.
Thank you for reading,