It’s been a really hard week. Lets start from the beginning I started my first proper college day on Monday and… I left early because I couldn’t take it. I was having symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress and could feel myself spiraling down, down, down into this whirlwind of fear, guilt and self hate, I didn’t realise at the time that I was regressing back into my former state and… I quit… to study online instead, I felt this was truly better for me but on day two.
My Therapist was pushing me somewhere I didn’t want to go, I know that’s her job but I just wasn’t ready for it she asked me why I left and what could have been done differently and kept going on and on at me about how I couldn’t keep running away from what I’m scared of and I was just Ugh I didn’t want to look back ( and anyway hadn’t she said we wouldn’t talk about my past because she didn’t want to make me relive it because that hinders progress?) I blanked out most of what she said but it was things that I’d already considered.
I didn’t want to run away that’s why I went back after the first day (which didn’t go well check out this post to know why) I’d lasted three days which is a record for me and my college history of quitting but by day three I KNEW it wasn’t right for me and now my therapist wanted me to question everything AGAIN things that I already been over time and again in my mind (doing what one of my favourite youtubers calls Mental Gymnastics) I was getting so upset I envisioned myself punching the wall and breaking her laptop which I do my neurofeedback on but I didn’t do that instead I started sobbing and my inner child came out; I started tugging at my hair until it hurt I kept saying I wish they (they being my bullies) were dead and how I wanted to kill them for hurting me ( this was how I was when I was about 14/15 and was so overcome by depression and anger that it was a good thing we aren’t allowed guns in my country) this as you can tell was a dangerous place to go back to and I wouldn’t realize how dangerous until later in the week.
Wednesday my rapist’s ex texts me (he’s close to the family and she suffered abuse from him but me and my mum were the only ones who believed her because of what he did to me so we’ve formed a bond) saying that he went to her place to collect his bike after months and that he was saying how sorry he was for what he did blah blah blah (typical abuser speak) and that he wanted her back, this had been going on for a while and I had been talking her through it but then I get a text from her saying she misses him(which is actually normal) but I started panicking thinking what will I do if she goes back to him? then the darkness started to come in, I wanted to murder him so he wouldn’t hurt her or anyone else again (my therapist told me that this was actually normal with cases like mine but when the darkness comes it is terrifying to think what I could be capable of) I ended letting a part of this ruthless rage overcome me and told her the harsh reality of the situation saying that he didn’t love her and if he did hitting her was a fucked up way of showing it, I’d read books about being in abusive relationships and told her the similarities to them in her case. I thought she would be mad at me that she would say I’m lying and go back to him but she didn’t… she thanked me and said she appreciated what I’d said and I was surprised because I’ve never done the ‘be cruel to be kind’ and expected her to hate me for it but she doesn’t in fact we started talking about auditioning for a show together…
This post is already really long and I have more to tell you so I decided to split this into two parts. Part 2 coming soon
Thank you for reading,