Alone Vs Lonely

This is a continuation of Progression Vs Regression, I suggest you read that post before this one if you haven’t 🙂 but if you have lets continue where we left off. Also TRIGGER WARNING this post talks about self harm.

The day after my therapy session I was in what my friend calls a post-counselling high which means that seeing my therapist motivated me and gave me a high plus this session had been particularly special because I felt like I had a breakthrough with my inner child (this high as you could probably note from my writing in part one does not last long) I remembered our conversation about how I needed to get out and meet people, I was really apprehensive about that because I have a few friends online and I know its not “normal” to be socially isolated and for some people its bad but every time I try to put myself in a situation that involves making friends face to face it goes horribly. Not to mention the fact that I just recently separated from my school friends because of how much distress they were causing me so perhaps I’m not ready to make new friends.

Well anyway I saw an advertisement for an open audition for a local amateur dramatics group as I’ve been told I have a flair for the dramatic (I’m currently drinking from a glass my friend decorated with the drama mask symbol on it because she said I am a “drama queen” I used to take offence to that but I’m starting to see it as a good thing as it made me a very talented performer) and I used to love acting, in fact I had recently been missing my college acting class but anyway in my post-counselling high  I was buzzing with confidence and energy so decided I would go.

On Thursday I had the house to myself so I could sing and dance until my heart was content for practice I started with my old breathing exercises and tried singing for maybe half an hour but then the self- esteem issues creeped in and my post counselling high was officially over. I remember laying on the floor thinking “what if my voice breaks and everyone laughs at me?” “what if I can’t act anymore because I’ve been out of practice for so long?” “I suck at dancing so I’ll just end up humiliating myself if I tried” But I have to go, therapist said I need to meet people and make friends” “what if no one likes me?” “what if they make fun of me?” “but I have to go, therapist said I can’t run away from what makes me scared”

For the next couple of days I couldn’t get the audition out of my head I was anxious and frustrated with myself for being so bad at making a decision and my therapist for making me feel like shit for wanting to be alone because that’s the only time I felt peaceful. I was now thinking “I don’t want to go but I have to or therapist will judge me” “fuck my therapist she doesn’t know what its like for me” “Ugh I’m such a cowardly quitter” “If I don’t go I’ll never make friends and always be alone… but what if that’s a good thing?”

There were two audition dates set and well I barely remember the first day, I didn’t go because I was still in emotional turmoil and hating myself, just wanting to curl up and binge watch movies and TV shows but beating myself up for wanting to do that because of what my therapist said about me isolating myself. Eventually I caved in from the stress of the past week and I went to the bathroom where I remembered seeing a razor and I cut myself 5 times until I bled and all I could feel was the sting of the cuts. I think since starting college again I was regressing back to who I was a few months ago, going back to the pain and trauma I knew so well.

As I write this its time for the second audition as you can probably guess I’m not going. There will be other auditions and while I do like pushing myself sometimes, I  really need to learn my limits. The self harm has motivated me to get in touch with a charity run counselling foundation to have talking therapy as well as the neurofeedback my current therapist is giving me. I think spending more time alone and in counselling will be a good opportunity to explore and learn more about myself, I don’t think I’m ready for new friends I’m content with the ones I have for now and I think putting myself under pressure to meet new people just hurts me more than it should.

Yes social isolation can be a bad thing, it can get lonely but I always felt lonely from childhood even with the group of friends I had, There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Yes I am alone a lot but I don’t feel the same loneliness I used to in a crowded room, I’m learning to love my own company before I learn to love the company of others so I make new friends when I want to not when I “need” to because in the long run you are all you’ve got.

Artist: Zindy.deviantart.com

Thank you for reading,

NI2M ❤

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