Growing up I never fit in at school or… Anywhere to be exact. I’ve spoken about this in previous posts but I’ve always been an outsider even with my group of friends. My views of the world differed from theirs and I was the weird kid that no one liked.
I was always made to think of this as a bad thing and I did for years. I hated myself, googling what was wrong with me and what I could fix about myself
Dumb, ugly, freak were words I had been called. It’s not until recently that I realized I’m not actually dumb, I just don’t pay attention because my brain is so wired to the imaginary. I’m not ugly, attractiveness is subjective and I’m teaching myself to love my appearance even though it’s not the norm.
I’m not a freak, I’m not weird, I’m different. I think differently, I feel differently and I act differently. Honestly I don’t care what you do as long as you’re not harming anybody and I never did, well apart from myself really. The only thing about me that was “wrong” was my difference.
In school especially, fitting in is like a survival technique. High school is an age where we don’t know who we are but want to belong, and not stand out because standing out means being different and different means you get bullied to the point you want to jump off a bridge (and I nearly did)
In college the struggle of being different has come up again but I see it differently now, I’m older than most of the students there and the adults my age and older also spend a lot of time alone and I think that’s because as adults we think more for ourselves and fitting in becomes less important.
I’m in college to learn about business so that one day I can run my own, I’m really looking forward to lessons and studying and I think that’s how I should be. I should be happy to learn and I should not have to fear being seen as a loner or loser because I’m happier now than I was then, happier when I stopped worrying about the fight in my head of fitting in or being myself.
I’m still finding myself after being submerged in mental illness for so long and I find myself easier when I am alone. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks as long as I am happy. When someone is alone it doesn’t mean they’re not liked or loved, even “popular” people can be lonely, it just means they like their own company and I want everyone to like their own company and be proud of who they are, finding friends who are genuinely like them not just saying they are to fit in.
thanks for reading,