Learning to accept myself

Growing up I never fit in at school or… Anywhere to be exact. I’ve spoken about this in previous posts but I’ve always been an outsider even with my group of friends. My views of the world differed from theirs and I was the weird kid that no one liked.

I was always made to think of this as a bad thing and I did for years. I hated myself, googling what was wrong with me and what I could fix about myself

Dumb, ugly, freak were words I had been called. It’s not until recently that I realized I’m not actually dumb, I just don’t pay attention because my brain is so wired to the imaginary. I’m not ugly, attractiveness is subjective and I’m teaching myself to love my appearance even though it’s not the norm.

I’m not a freak, I’m not weird, I’m different. I think differently, I feel differently and I act differently. Honestly I don’t care what you do as long as you’re not harming anybody and I never did, well apart from myself  really. The only thing about me that was “wrong” was my difference.

In school especially, fitting in is like a survival technique. High school is an age where we don’t know who we are but want to belong, and not stand out because standing out means being different and different means you get bullied to the point you want to jump off a bridge (and I nearly did)

In college the struggle of being different has come up again but I see it differently now, I’m older than most of the students there and the adults my age and older also spend a lot of time alone and I think that’s because as adults we think more for ourselves and fitting in becomes less important.

I’m in college to learn about business so that one day I can run my own, I’m really looking forward to lessons and studying and I think that’s how I should be. I should be happy to learn and I should not have to fear being seen as a loner or loser because I’m happier now than I was then, happier when I stopped worrying about the fight in my head of fitting in or being myself.

I’m still finding myself after being submerged in mental illness for so long and I find myself easier when I am alone. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks as long as I am happy. When someone is alone it doesn’t mean they’re not liked or loved, even “popular” people can be lonely, it just means they like their own company and I want everyone to like their own company and be proud of who they are, finding friends who are genuinely like them not just saying they are to fit in.

thanks for reading,

Ni2M ❤

 

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2 thoughts on “Learning to accept myself

  1. ezi2015 says:

    Haha! Do I understand! I use to be afraid to be alone, I use to be afraid to be myself until I deal with situations in my life that gave me no choice. Then I realized just how awesome I am! Suddenly I wished in high school I was a loner, so I didn’t tolerate the things people did. I began to understand how awesome I was, that now I didn’t have to be afraid to hide my awesomeness. It’s ALL self-love and self-appreciation
    ✨😌✨

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Rayne says:

    I absolutely love and thrive on my alone time. I’m happy with meeting up with my best friends once a week for a couple of hours, and the rest of the time being alone. Sometimes I go 3 weeks without seeing friends, and that also doesn’t really bug me.

    Liked by 1 person

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