Working With My Inner Child

My childhood was not fun, my mental health issues started at 6 and forgot everything before that, my childhood involved a lot of trauma and I don’t remember who I was before that trauma but I remember who I became. I was very destructive in nature tearing down my own dad with harsh words, nearly stabbing my rapist with a fork, getting into silly fights that got physical in school and crying nearly everyday. As I write this I remember the pain and the loneliness child me felt so deeply then to grow up and have that pain invalidated and overlooked not just by others but myself as well was just another trauma added to the list.

You see I was bullied for being so sensitive and soon I learned to suppress my feelings and be afraid of my anger because to everyone else it was unjustified so I started to push the pain away; cried alone in my room, self harmed to get my anger out because I didn’t see any other way , my self esteem was shit so anything I created I would put down because I would hear my stupid teachers’ say in my head I did it wrong or it’s not good enough. I couldn’t express my anger in school or to my family because it was wrong and nothing I created was good enough and that would just make me even more upset.

You’re probably thinking why are you writing this if its so painful? and my answer is the reason why I started this blog in the first place; to express what has already been going on in my head and make sense of it somehow. This blog has been the only way I felt free to express myself and I feel like this blog has grown with me since I started but there were things I didn’t get into because I didn’t want to look and was told not to look but by not looking the past pounced on me for attention. I ignored little me’s cries for justice and help.

Recently I’ve been visualizing my younger self crying and in pain and I would hug her because really that’s all she wanted; someone to hug her and tell her that it was okay, that she’s not a monster or a freak and that her cries are heard and her feelings matter. Sometimes doing this, I would physically hug myself which is weird but does help.

I wrote this because my inner child was brought to the forefront this past week which I write about here and here but its clear that I need to do a lot of work on myself starting with my inner child…

 

Thank you for reading,

NI2M ❤

Alone Vs Lonely

This is a continuation of Progression Vs Regression, I suggest you read that post before this one if you haven’t 🙂 but if you have lets continue where we left off. Also TRIGGER WARNING this post talks about self harm.

The day after my therapy session I was in what my friend calls a post-counselling high which means that seeing my therapist motivated me and gave me a high plus this session had been particularly special because I felt like I had a breakthrough with my inner child (this high as you could probably note from my writing in part one does not last long) I remembered our conversation about how I needed to get out and meet people, I was really apprehensive about that because I have a few friends online and I know its not “normal” to be socially isolated and for some people its bad but every time I try to put myself in a situation that involves making friends face to face it goes horribly. Not to mention the fact that I just recently separated from my school friends because of how much distress they were causing me so perhaps I’m not ready to make new friends.

Well anyway I saw an advertisement for an open audition for a local amateur dramatics group as I’ve been told I have a flair for the dramatic (I’m currently drinking from a glass my friend decorated with the drama mask symbol on it because she said I am a “drama queen” I used to take offence to that but I’m starting to see it as a good thing as it made me a very talented performer) and I used to love acting, in fact I had recently been missing my college acting class but anyway in my post-counselling high  I was buzzing with confidence and energy so decided I would go.

On Thursday I had the house to myself so I could sing and dance until my heart was content for practice I started with my old breathing exercises and tried singing for maybe half an hour but then the self- esteem issues creeped in and my post counselling high was officially over. I remember laying on the floor thinking “what if my voice breaks and everyone laughs at me?” “what if I can’t act anymore because I’ve been out of practice for so long?” “I suck at dancing so I’ll just end up humiliating myself if I tried” But I have to go, therapist said I need to meet people and make friends” “what if no one likes me?” “what if they make fun of me?” “but I have to go, therapist said I can’t run away from what makes me scared”

For the next couple of days I couldn’t get the audition out of my head I was anxious and frustrated with myself for being so bad at making a decision and my therapist for making me feel like shit for wanting to be alone because that’s the only time I felt peaceful. I was now thinking “I don’t want to go but I have to or therapist will judge me” “fuck my therapist she doesn’t know what its like for me” “Ugh I’m such a cowardly quitter” “If I don’t go I’ll never make friends and always be alone… but what if that’s a good thing?”

There were two audition dates set and well I barely remember the first day, I didn’t go because I was still in emotional turmoil and hating myself, just wanting to curl up and binge watch movies and TV shows but beating myself up for wanting to do that because of what my therapist said about me isolating myself. Eventually I caved in from the stress of the past week and I went to the bathroom where I remembered seeing a razor and I cut myself 5 times until I bled and all I could feel was the sting of the cuts. I think since starting college again I was regressing back to who I was a few months ago, going back to the pain and trauma I knew so well.

As I write this its time for the second audition as you can probably guess I’m not going. There will be other auditions and while I do like pushing myself sometimes, I  really need to learn my limits. The self harm has motivated me to get in touch with a charity run counselling foundation to have talking therapy as well as the neurofeedback my current therapist is giving me. I think spending more time alone and in counselling will be a good opportunity to explore and learn more about myself, I don’t think I’m ready for new friends I’m content with the ones I have for now and I think putting myself under pressure to meet new people just hurts me more than it should.

Yes social isolation can be a bad thing, it can get lonely but I always felt lonely from childhood even with the group of friends I had, There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Yes I am alone a lot but I don’t feel the same loneliness I used to in a crowded room, I’m learning to love my own company before I learn to love the company of others so I make new friends when I want to not when I “need” to because in the long run you are all you’ve got.

Artist: Zindy.deviantart.com

Thank you for reading,

NI2M ❤

Progression Vs Regression

It’s been a really hard week. Lets start from the beginning I started my first proper college day on Monday and… I left early because I couldn’t take it. I was having symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress and could feel myself spiraling down, down, down into this whirlwind of fear, guilt and self hate, I didn’t realise at the time that I was regressing back into my former state and… I quit… to study online instead, I felt this was truly better for me but on day two.

My Therapist was pushing me somewhere I didn’t want to go, I know that’s her job but I just wasn’t ready for it she asked me why I left and what could have been done differently and kept going on and on at me about how I couldn’t keep running away from what I’m scared of and I was just Ugh I didn’t want to look back ( and anyway hadn’t she said we wouldn’t talk about my past because she didn’t want to make me relive it because that hinders progress?) I blanked out most of what she said but it was things that I’d already considered.

I didn’t want to run away that’s why I went back after the first day (which didn’t go well check out this post to know why) I’d lasted three days which is a record for me and my college history of quitting but by day three I KNEW it wasn’t right for me and now my therapist wanted me to question everything AGAIN things that I already been over time and again in my mind (doing what one of my favourite youtubers calls Mental Gymnastics) I was getting so upset I envisioned myself punching the wall and breaking her laptop which I do my neurofeedback on but I didn’t do that instead I started sobbing and my inner child came out; I started tugging at my hair until it hurt I kept saying I wish they (they being my bullies) were dead and how I wanted to kill them for hurting me ( this was how I was when I was about 14/15 and was so overcome by depression and anger that it was a good thing we aren’t allowed guns in my country) this as you can tell was a dangerous place to go back to and I wouldn’t realize how dangerous until later in the week.

Wednesday my rapist’s ex texts me (he’s close to the family and she suffered abuse from him but me and my mum were the only ones who believed her because of what he did to me so we’ve formed a bond) saying that he went to her place to collect his bike after months and that he was saying how sorry he was for what he did blah blah blah (typical abuser speak) and that he wanted her back, this had been going on for a while and I had been talking her through it but then I get a text from her saying she misses him(which is actually normal) but I started panicking thinking what will I do if she goes back to him? then the darkness started to come in, I wanted to murder him so he wouldn’t hurt her or anyone else again (my therapist told me that this was actually normal with cases like mine but when the darkness comes it is terrifying to think what I could be capable of) I ended letting a part of this ruthless rage overcome me and told her the harsh reality of the situation saying that he didn’t love her and if he did hitting her was a fucked up way of showing it, I’d read books about being in abusive relationships and told her the similarities to them in her case. I thought she would be mad at me that she would say I’m lying and go back to him but she didn’t… she thanked me and said she appreciated what I’d said and I was surprised because I’ve never done the ‘be cruel to be kind’ and expected her to hate me for it but she doesn’t in fact we started talking about auditioning for a show together…

This post is already really long and I have more to tell you so I decided to split this into two parts. Part 2 coming soon

Artist: Unknown

Thank you for reading,

NI2M ❤

Learning to accept myself

Growing up I never fit in at school or… Anywhere to be exact. I’ve spoken about this in previous posts but I’ve always been an outsider even with my group of friends. My views of the world differed from theirs and I was the weird kid that no one liked.

I was always made to think of this as a bad thing and I did for years. I hated myself, googling what was wrong with me and what I could fix about myself

Dumb, ugly, freak were words I had been called. It’s not until recently that I realized I’m not actually dumb, I just don’t pay attention because my brain is so wired to the imaginary. I’m not ugly, attractiveness is subjective and I’m teaching myself to love my appearance even though it’s not the norm.

I’m not a freak, I’m not weird, I’m different. I think differently, I feel differently and I act differently. Honestly I don’t care what you do as long as you’re not harming anybody and I never did, well apart from myself  really. The only thing about me that was “wrong” was my difference.

In school especially, fitting in is like a survival technique. High school is an age where we don’t know who we are but want to belong, and not stand out because standing out means being different and different means you get bullied to the point you want to jump off a bridge (and I nearly did)

In college the struggle of being different has come up again but I see it differently now, I’m older than most of the students there and the adults my age and older also spend a lot of time alone and I think that’s because as adults we think more for ourselves and fitting in becomes less important.

I’m in college to learn about business so that one day I can run my own, I’m really looking forward to lessons and studying and I think that’s how I should be. I should be happy to learn and I should not have to fear being seen as a loner or loser because I’m happier now than I was then, happier when I stopped worrying about the fight in my head of fitting in or being myself.

I’m still finding myself after being submerged in mental illness for so long and I find myself easier when I am alone. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks as long as I am happy. When someone is alone it doesn’t mean they’re not liked or loved, even “popular” people can be lonely, it just means they like their own company and I want everyone to like their own company and be proud of who they are, finding friends who are genuinely like them not just saying they are to fit in.

thanks for reading,

Ni2M ❤

 

I have a spending problem

Since I left my first college I’ve had a lot of free time. Free time for going out, having fun… And spending impulsively. I had quite a lot of money inherited from one of my aunts and well it’s not a lot anymore.

You see whenever I felt bad (which was most of the time) I would “treat myself” to something and when I felt good I wouldn’t be so worried about money and spend more.

I heard that this is a thing with BPD and although I’ve improved in many things recently, the spending is still a problem and my anxiety about it is getting worse as the number on my bank statement gets smaller and smaller.

I’ve had some ideas on how I could manage this;

  • Put a portion of the money into a savings account so it’s less easy accessable and it gains interest
  • Only buy from charity shops and small businesses that aren’t so obsessed with making money so it’s cheaper and I’m helping a good cause/helping a business grow (some positive karma for my future business hopefully lol)
  • A lot of my money has been spent on books but now I think I’ll make the most of my library card and borrow books only buying them if I really like them.
  • Set up an online account with eBay or etsy and sell the stuff I bought on impulse that I’m not actually bothered about now lol
  • Get a job (although this has been proving easier said than done
  • Have a set budget for the week. Say £20.00 and I spend that money on food from college then, if I have any money left I can choose to save it for next week, donate it to charity or treat myself depending on how much I have left.

I think the cause of this urge to spend is that I’m bad at self care because I often feel bad and I get a little surge of joy when I see something I like and buy it but then I feel bad again. I think instead of treating myself by buying things I should do other things like read a book I enjoy in a warm bath or just treat myself better in general really.

I don’t know whether any of these ideas will work but I will try and let you know how it goes further down the line 🙂

Thank you for reading,

NI2M ❤

Learning to be vulnerable

I used to be a lot more open about my emotions; I could cry, laugh and yell when I needed to, admittedly the crying and yelling was in an unhealthy amount, In hindsight this was probably due to my BPD but my point is I didn’t have such a big guard up around me.

You see this behavior got me singled out as “emo” “weak” and “strange” and I was bullied for it when all I had been was vulnerable and in our world being vulnerable is considered the same as weak and sharks like to take advantage of this “weakness”

This bullying led to me having panic attacks, crying and self harming almost every night, keep in mind this bullying was added to trauma from assault, abandonment and being a young carer for my sister who has autism basically I already thought my life was pretty shit even before the bullying and the exposure to such things gives your brain a right battering, hence making you more vulnerable.

I understand now that the bullies were most likely going through some shit themselves but instead of letting themselves be vulnerable, they put on a front and took out their issues on people like me who were more expressive with their vulnerability.

After a while I “toughened up” but for me that meant bottling up the tears and the anger; not letting myself be honest about my feelings and this clashed with my values of being true to yourself and being honest, this only encouraged my self harm as I took on the bully mentality and would basically bully myself for feeling like crying for “stupid” reasons.

I learned yesterday how truly unhealthy this “toughen up” attitude is and got me thinking we should be more encouraging for people to show their emotions and let people be vulnerable sometimes. I’ve spoken about this before where I’ve said that schools could do more to help children and young people understand mental health, teaching them how to not only help others with difficulties but themselves as well. There are so many lessons that can be taught on how to express our emotions in a healthy way instead of hurting ourselves and/or others.

Yesterday was the first time I let my guard down in a setting I considered unsafe to do so and nothing really happened; the counsellor gave me some tissues and let me talk things out, I then went to the bathroom to clean myself up and grabbed myself some chocolate and a cuppa tea. So I relied more on myself than I did the counsellor which is empowering but the counsellor helped because she didn’t make me feel judged and I felt safe to be vulnerable with her and that’s how a school, college and busy workplace should feel SAFE.

  • Safe to be yourself
  • Safe to be vulnerable
  • Safe to be honest

I learned that vulnerability isn’t weak, in healthy amounts its good to let your guard down to truly communicate to people your needs. Honestly if I saw one of my bullies cry I wouldn’t hurt them how they hurt me, I would help them and let them know the safety they need to be vulnerable and hope that my compassion would promote their sense of compassion not just for others but themselves as well.

Thanks for reading,

NI2M ❤️

 

 

 

 

Starting over is f*cking hard

I didn’t mention this before but I’ve started at another new college to study business I want to study it because it could open so many doors for me professionally and I do want to start my own business as well.

What I don’t want is to be bullied or judged or gossiped about which is what I feared would happen once I came here and it was this fear that landed me in trouble… With myself

You see there was some gossiping but no one was really picking on me and they didn’t seem to be judging me. In fact I think I was being more judgemental than they were.

All through the day my anxiety had been chipping away at me but during lunch I spent some time alone, practised meditation and I was alright until… Sports day

Now I like sports just not doing them with other people especially teenagers. In high school PE (sports class) was an opportunity for my bullies to physically attack me and make it look like an accident.

I’ve had balls thrown at my face, I’d been tripped and pushed, made fun of for the way I run and picked last for teams, exposing just how much of an outsider I was and I hated it.

Nothing like that happened but the fear of it stopped me from doing pretty much anything because no one else wanted to do it and I wanted to fit in for once and not draw any attention to myself.

Eventually it was over and I ended up in the counsellor’s office crying my eyes out and venting all my frustrations that had been piling up for the past couple of weeks. That was also part of the problem, I was so sad, anxious and frustrated but those feelings couldn’t find a way out until today…in college… On my first day.. FML.

I was hoping for a fresh start, that I could put my past behind me and move on, I forgot about Post Traumatic Stress (not the disorder) for me that means remnants of bad experiences are left in the back of my mind only rising when something I associate with that bad experience (i.e. Sports= Bullying) comes up.

I need to look for CBT and DBT therapy, its honestly so frustrating how the mental health team in my town just don’t get it and just dose me up with more medication which (excuse my language) pisses me off and stresses me out even more! they didn’t even want to let me have talking therapy alongside the medication, just the medication but what the hell am I supposed to do in situations like this when I don’t have the necessary tools to overcome the bad thoughts and anxiety?

I’m not anti-medication, it has helped a lot with the emotions but with the thoughts I’m in a constant cycle that I know I need help getting out of. I think I’m going to have to start being more assertive. They say “ask for help” but now it seems like I have to demand it!

In a way though I am thankful for what happened today because it finally meant I could release those pent up emotions and face one of my fears… Being vulnerable in front of people.

I’ll probably get more into that in another post but, for now, thanks for reading ❤️

 

I’m destroying her…

Recently I haven’t been able to get the help I need, The Mental Health Services have let me down yet again. So I took matters into my own hands and started making positive changes. I’ve been exploring my spirituality (crystals, card readings, law of attraction) and incorporating it into my everyday life which seems to make me happy in the moment but anxiety keeps creeping in, wanting things to go back to how they were and I get so annoyed because I know these changes are good but there’s still part of me that’s scared… why?

Well on a very long car journey I was listening to this song (link below) and then I realized It’s the broken part of me (the traumatized part that has been hurt, beaten and broken) that’s scared because I’m basically pushing her out by getting rid of the old and replacing it with the new, like she never existed.

She’s scared because she thinks I’m destroying her, she’s crying out because she doesn’t want me to abandon her like so many others have (they say pain demands to be felt) I’m on a journey to be better, at first I thought it was to do with being perfectly positive and pushing out the “bad” feelings but I realize now that by being so strict on myself I’m hurting that hurt part of me more.

She is a part of me, who I was and who I will become and if I want to learn self love, I must first learn self acceptance and it includes her. I need to listen to her and remind her that she is loved and it’s okay. We’ll be okay.

Thank you for reading,

NI2M ❤