TRIGGER WARNING: Self Harm
These past few weeks have been tough, I talked about some of what happened in previous posts.
Things have been triggering my BPD, intrusive thoughts and Post Traumatic Stress (not the disorder, I may talk about it in more detail one day but I don’t think I’m ready yet)
Thing is I have improved but there are still things that affect me so bad such as seeing or hearing about people who I associate with emotional distress because of my experience with them.
I saw my kind of ex recently and panicked becoming afraid of going to certain places for fear I might see him again but I do still go there because I know I have every right to go where I want and I don’t owe him anything so I can just walk away from him, it still affects me though, it’s my rebellious steak that’s helping me cope at the moment.
Also really bad memories and thoughts keep creeping their way into my mind even in nightmares so I’m exhausted from not sleeping well. Yesterday I really wanted to cut myself but I didn’t I talked to a friend who I knew would understand and I calmed down after a while.
However today I just couldn’t fight it I was so tired and so numb that I grabbed some scissors and dragged them across my skin I lost count of how many times there’s only a little blood, didn’t put enough pressure to bleed but to cause pain and now my arm feels like it’s burning.
This is a pretty big setback for me especially as I wanted to come off my medication (now that’s not going to happen anytime soon) I don’t know what to do, neurofeedback has been working for the emotions but not the thoughts, thing is now they probably won’t let me have any cognitive therapy. This just sucks
So in some ways things are better but the struggle is still real to fight my addiction to self harm and battle with my own mind.
Thanks for reading,