Trauma

TRIGGER WARNING

So I went to the doctor’s recently and he said I have symptoms of PTSD and OCD. I think it was my Alpha-theta treatment that triggered it, the memories of being vulnerable and the fear that someone will take advantage of that vulnerability …because someone already has. I remember once saying that I would write pretty much everything about my life with mental illness the good, the bad and the ugly; keeping things real with you all. Well I haven’t told you everything, I didn’t want to think about it and I kept it hidden for nearly 10 years before speaking to a professional about what happened when I was 9 years old.

As I write this I feel my anxiety pulsing through me, the tears ready to flow. This has been a burden on me for years and I’ve tried to deny it, tried to forget it ever happened, to me it was a dark secret that had to be kept close because no one could know, not even my family but I’ve learned the hard way that you can’t run from your past because it will come back to you when you think you’re safe.

When I was 9 years old I’d been sexually assaulted, I won’t mention any names just that it was by someone close who I thought I could trust. Since that day I’ve felt… tainted like I was a bad person, I remember I started self harming when I was being bullied because I thought the bullying was God punishing me for what happened and that if I started hurting myself God would make the bullying stop. It didn’t work.

I’d also started having intrusive thoughts and fearing that one day I would be like him or that it would happen again, this has lead me to attempt suicide because I would rather die than make someone feel the way I did and still do. Anything to do with sex makes me really mentally uncomfortable, I would skip sex scenes in books and movies but sex sells doesn’t it? so that crap seems pretty inescapable to me which thus leads me to an anxious state where I feel like stabbing myself in the head to make the thoughts stop. At this point I feel very detached from myself, writing this without really thinking; my body is typing this but my mind is elsewhere (does that make sense?)

I remember comforting myself when it happened by thinking In ten years, by the time you’re 19, you’ll be over this, you’ll be okay. Well, I wasn’t, and here we are 11 years later and it’s like I’m 9 years old again. I’m having nightmares, the thoughts are worse along with my compulsion to self harm and/or obsessively wash my hands because I feel contaminated. It was only when I was 17/18 that I started talking about it properly in group therapy, to my psychiatrist and eventually I let my mum read my report so she found out what happened. I told her not to get authorities involved because the reason I kept it secret was because I knew it would tear my family apart and when my nan died I became so fearful that she would know and wouldn’t love me anymore.

Even though I understand that it wasn’t my fault and even though I did say no multiple times I still feel the guilt, shame, and anger. I think I should’ve done more, I should’ve told someone sooner and stopped him because recently I met up with his ex (we’re friends) and when I let slip what happened she wasn’t surprised because she had been physically and emotionally abused by him, I felt so bad because if I had done more she probably wouldn’t have suffered at his hands as much as I did. We’re both seeking treatment for PTSD, we’re both broken and bruised because of him. He told me not to tell anyone but now I’ve told you.

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Keep Marching On

If you are here reading this post you’re probably struggling with something whether that be a mental or physical health problem, an addiction, a break up or break down. Whatever you’re going through I’m with you. I’m struggling to let go of the bad and accept the good that I know but don’t believe I deserve. I’m struggling to fight for recovery and wellness as my own mind tries to get me to give up.

This song is for you and me. It’s for all of us

Struggling

TRIGGER WARNING: Self Harm

These past few weeks have been tough, I talked about some of what happened in previous posts.

Things have been triggering my BPD, intrusive thoughts and Post Traumatic Stress (not the disorder, I may talk about it in more detail one day but I don’t think I’m ready yet)

Thing is I have improved but there are still things that affect me so bad such as seeing or hearing about people who I associate with emotional distress because of my experience with them.

I saw my kind of ex recently and panicked becoming afraid of going to certain places for fear I might see him again but I do still go there because I know I have every right to go where I want and I don’t owe him anything so I can just walk away from him, it still affects me though, it’s my rebellious steak that’s helping me cope at the moment.

Also really bad memories and thoughts keep creeping their way into my mind even in nightmares so I’m exhausted from not sleeping well. Yesterday I really wanted to cut myself but I didn’t I talked to a friend who I knew would understand and I calmed down after a while.

However today I just couldn’t fight it I was so tired and so numb that I grabbed some scissors and dragged them across my skin I lost count of how many times there’s only a little blood, didn’t put enough pressure to bleed but to cause pain and now my arm feels like it’s burning.

This is a pretty big setback for me especially as I wanted to come off my medication (now that’s not going to happen anytime soon) I don’t know what to do, neurofeedback has been working for the emotions but not the thoughts, thing is now they probably won’t let me have any cognitive therapy. This just sucks

So in some ways things are better but the struggle is still real to fight my addiction to self harm and battle with my own mind.

Thanks for reading,

NI2M

TRIGGERED

I spend a lot of my spare time on the internet which has been both a blessing and a curse. What I wanted to talk about was #triggered, now, most of you may think of this as a mental health thing. Something happens that makes you remember past trauma and causes you distress but now thanks to the wonders of the internet it has become a meme/joke to say that someone is offended when the two are different things.

It got me thinking that a lot of the times online, people who are genuinely triggered or trigger warnings are made fun of as being overly sensitive or a “special snowflake”. I think this whole thing came about to make fun of people on Tumblr and SJWs (social justice warriors)

I’m wondering if stuff like this is what stops me from talking about being triggered when I truly I am, for fear people won’t take me seriously. For example I was scrolling through Instagram a while back and came across this drawing someone had done (I won’t describe it) that had triggered me. There was no trigger warning, no “nsfw” sign just the image and a note below it saying “if you don’t like it, keep scrolling” but it was too late I saw it. I tried to push past it, deleted it from my feed  and just kept scrolling like they said but I saw something else just like it and I just couldn’t, I deleted the app feeling scared, angry and ashamed.

I wanted to report the drawings but I was afraid of people saying I was too sensitive or that I have no right to censorship and stuff like that, but it was really messed up like why would someone draw something so… I don’t even know how to describe it but because of it memories and old feelings came back to me and that night I had a nightmare linked to all of it.

There are people who I can’t even hear the names of now because I attach them to feeling of intense anxiety or rage. There was a time where I felt pressured to do something I was really uncomfortable with and because of my past experiences I felt sick with fear and thought I was going to have a panic attack. When I told them this, they didn’t take me seriously, they thought I was joking ( why would I joke about something like that?) And that made me feel worse. I fell out with them shortly afterwards and now my brain links them to anxiety and anger. Whenever they are mentioned that memory is brought back to me and I start shaking, wanting to cry while also feeling so furious. Does anyone else know a person who affects them like this? Is it normal for someone like me?

Thanks for reading, NI2M ❤