That was unexpected…

Do you ever feel like you know a person and you have a bond with them but they do a 180 and it throws you off completely? Well that’s what has happened to me recently… twice.

First it was with my mentor who has been visiting me in my home to help me get a job, we’d been working together for a few weeks and I usually have my mum in the room so she can talk for me when I forget something or simply don’t want to talk (I’m usually reserved with people I don’t really know) but in this session my mum asked if I was okay with her leaving the room and I said I wanted her to stay to which my mentor said “aren’t you comfortable being alone with me by now?” and that made me feel like I had to get mum to leave even though I felt very uncomfortable after that. I felt judged and like yet again I had to put aside my own feelings to please someone else. I was in a bad mood for quite a while after that and I think its made my trust in her has wobbled a bit.

The second time was with my therapist who I’m still working with despite what I’m about to tell you she did. So I was in the session and it was the 12th week which I thought was the last session but she said there was more to do and introduced ON THE SPOT this new type of therapy, if you remember from one of my previous posts when neurofeedback was suggested to me I was TERRIFIED but this was worse because now I didn’t have a week to prepare she wanted me to try it straight away!

The therapy was called Alpha-Theta and its where you have a weighted blanket put on you as well as a blindfold and headphones so you can’t see or hear anything apart from the ocean sounds coming through the headphones This may sound relaxing but I hated it because 1) it was new and too soon 2) I’m scared of the dark 3) the fact that my senses were cut off from the surroundings gave me really bad anxiety 4) I could barely move my legs under the weighted blanket so I felt trapped and vulnerable. I felt like crying and ripping off the electrodes, blindfold and headphones, storming out of the room or yelling at my therapist what the hell she thought she was doing but I got through it, since then my bond has been shaken with said therapist.

Now don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that alpha-theta is a bad method I did try it a second time which went better and I plan to continue with it. I’m just saying that I felt a little betrayed by her and shocked that she would spring something so new on to me so quickly. My latest therapy session didn’t go so well either, again I had my mum with me (because trust issues) and there was something that triggered me not long before the session so I obviously would have difficulty talking about it so I asked my mum to do it but therapist said she would ban my mum from coming to the sessions if I didn’t speak myself and to this a jolt of fear ran through me so yet again I had to put my own feelings aside to please someone else after that my defenses kicked in and  felt like yelling and cursing at her but I withheld from doing that.

I get it. I’m 20. I shouldn’t be relying on my mum so much but I’m in recovery for MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS so yeah I probably will rely on my mum more than the average 20 year old, it may seem childish but right now I need my mum’s comfort, I can go out on my own and be independent but on my own terms I will “fly the nest” when I’m ready to and if anything those people saying I shouldn’t have my mum around so much make me feel like I need her more. I have felt like hurting myself and my intrusive thoughts are bothering me because they hurt me so I need my mum right now.

I have learned from this experience that I should start respecting my own wants and needs, that I shouldn’t let people make me feel uncomfortable. I need to be more assertive rather than aggressive and stand my ground when someone tries making me do something I don’t want to do. I am my own person and I should respect myself the way I wish people would respect me.

Thank you for reading (lyrics to the song in the video description) NI2M ❤