Between Two Worlds

My Neurofeedback treatment is almost over but I don’t believe that the recovery process is. There is still some things I need to deal with such as my symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress and OCD, things I am hopefully going to get psychological help for with the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT) sometime this year.

Basically I feel like I’m in possibly the scariest part of recovery where I’m better than I was at the start but still not where I need to be. I think about it as two worlds, One that has all my old relationships, behaviours and coping mechanisms and then the other which is yet to be explored but contains (hopefully) better relationships and behaviours. The new, mentally healthier, me. The way I see it, I’m in the space between, where I’m moving on from the old world but haven’t arrived at the new one.

This scares me because I’m having to let go of things I once knew while also not knowing whats next. I mean I’m taking steps to this new world such as learning employability skills so I can get a job I’m trying different things to discover more about myself and make new friends. At the moment nothing is settled, I don’t have a job, an established identity or any concrete new friends.

I am however doing some things better, I’m facing fears, letting go of things I know are bad for me and constantly learning. Everything is hanging in the balance I don’t have my old support system or coping mechanisms, I’m having to learn to do without them and find new ones. There’s no going back now only forward to the unknown…

 

Thank you for reading, NI2M 🙂 ❤

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MeetMeOnTheBorderline: If you Love Me Let Me Go

It’s been just over a week since things went down hill with my friends and I guess I am feeling better this week. I’ve done everything I could think of to make myself feel better without my friends such as listening to music, writing songs, watching all sorts of videos on youtube and trying new things (I started Yoga a few days ago)

I’ve only really been speaking to one friend but it was still awkward because I couldn’t help feeling that they were hiding things from me and, I’m not sure if I mentioned this in my last post but one of my friends asked me if I wanted to come back into the group chat we had but I left to which I simply said “no thanks, I’m good” I didn’t really want to go back to them given how they’d been making me feel.

It really helped talking about this to my therapist at our last appointment she reassured me that I wasn’t over reacting or being paranoid because there was some truth in what I was thinking and feeling “This friend is trying to manipulate the situation to suit them even at my expense” “they’re hiding something from me, probably talking behind my back” you see,this way of thinking and how I felt was based on their recent behaviour and she said I should trust myself more instead of blaming myself as I did the right thing by trying to set boundaries and they handled it immaturely. That being said my therapist also mentioned that I might be outgrowing them which is probably a good thing as it shows I’m moving on and making progress in life.

Now today I woke up and my first thought wasn’t to check for messages from my “friend” who is still not talking to me nor was it even to text the friend I’m still talking to. In fact the latter should be on her work break as I’m writing this, she usually texts me during said break, but oops(!) I left my phone in another room far, far away from me so if she does text or call I won’t know. Actually I didn’t think about any of my “friends” until this evening and instead of immediately reaching for my phone I decided to get on my laptop and write this post instead.

This is a good sign that I’m letting go and now that I’m away from them I’ve realised how dependent I was on them, I would talk to them for hours almost everyday and push past my negative emotions to please them, I would get anxious if they didn’t reply to my messages straight away and get jealous when they were doing things with eachother but without me. Its now I realise just how unhealthy my friendship with them was and now I’ve lost touch with them, I’m making more time for myself and the things I need to do. Not going to lie I want to hear from the ghosting “friend” just so I can say “You’re too late, I’ve moved on” then flick my hair back, turn and walk away with such sass Beyonce would be proud.

However the rest of my friendship group are going to be harder to let go even though I know I need to; I’ve known the 3 of them since school and I know they care about me and I doubt they’d want me to go, like I said I’ve tried leaving before, but if I go back to them they’ll just want things to go back to how they were before, want me to be who I was before even though I don’t think that me was even real. Maybe I’ll go back to how I was before and act like nothing happened but then surely this whole thing will just repeat itself again? I’m changing and they have to understand that I just don’t belong with them anymore and the person I was with them is not the one I want to be. They need to either come along with me for the ride or let me go…

 

Thanks for reading 🙂 ❤