so for about 6 weeks now I’ve been receiving treatment for emotional instability and it does seem to be working, I’m slower to react and quicker to recover from a bad mood but there is another problem with BPD and that is identity.
You see BPD makes me fear abandonment and rejection so for years I’ve tried to fit in with the people I like. I’ve even tried to be different types of people but all this lead to was me feel confused about who I truly was.
Recently I was out with friends watching a movie I told my friend that I really liked it but she said for her it was just mediocre and then… I found myself talking down the movie I actually liked just to be on the same page as her. Not going to lie as I was doing this I felt myself dying a little inside.
I used to do it when I was in school but didn’t feel so bad about it because blending in and agreeing with others what pretty much how we all survived high school but now I’m 20, out of school and mainly on my own so I shouldn’t feel the need to try to fit in any more but I do as I still have that fear of the few people I call friends leaving me.
Also during that day I found myself feeling uncomfortable, sad and anxious but just like I used to plastered a smile on my face, made jokes and pretended everything was good even as they were “roasting” me (although some of the time it felt like straight up insults) the whole time dying a little more inside bit by bit.
When I got home I found myself wondering “do they only like me because I behave the way I want them to?” if I started being more honest about my thoughts and feelings would they turn on me? would they say I was “overreacting” “being dramatic” or “over sensitive?” I don’t know and that worries me but if they were true friends they would at least try to understand right?
I’m just so tired of compromising myself and basically lying for other people’s benefit just to have me feeling hollowed out and confused. So I guess its not just the emotions I have to worry about my identity.
Here are the things I know about myself;
I enjoy reading but I don’t know what my favourite genre is
I Love going to the cinema/theatre but can’t often afford it
I like to write but often doubt my work and therefore lack the motivation to actually do it.
My favourite band is Evanescence
My favourite genre of music seems to be rock but I’m also able to enjoy other genres
I love to sing and dance but not seriously.
Everything emotional and social about myself I’m not sure of, like am I introverted or extroverted? Am I really so emotionally sensitive? I have no clue and I guess its going to take time for me to find out and become my “true self”
Thank you for reading, NI2M ❤