I really did not want to go to therapy, my brain had a sort of “screw this, I want to stay in bed” attitude, I did manage to force myself to go though (with my mum’s help) the session turned out good I think because of my attitude/mood it was harder for me to settle this time round but I found the session very beneficial once I did.
Afterwards I was able to sleep for a couple of hours when I got home. I also noticed a difference during the week,for example, I was able to hang up the phone first when talking to friends; this may not sound like a big deal but I usually cling on to my phone and talk to my friends for hours at a time, I guess it’s a fear of being left out or having my friends lose interest that makes me behave in a sort of “Clingy” way but like I said I was able to set boundaries and priorities other things. Another thing, at least twice this past week I had the temptation to self harm but I was able to calm myself down and prevent myself from doing it which is really good 🙂
Lately I’ve been having more trouble sleeping than usual and a badly upset stomach from anxiety about a blood test (ironically for my stomach problems) and the usual daily anxieties that come with BPD so today my therapist wanted to focus this neurofeedback session on relieving anxiety. It was a very interesting session today, I had to watch a spaceship going through brightly coloured tunnels that reminded me of the hogwarts houses, what I had noticed before in other sessions was that when I lost focus or started fidgeting the screen would start going dark while the spaceship stopped and the music got quieter. However what I hadn’t noticed before (probably because I wasn’t concentrating enough) was that when I was really attentive to the spaceship it would start going faster for some reason this amused me and I would find myself smiling as I used my brain to push it onwards. I thought it was really cool how the video seemed to respond to my brain, almost like having magic powers (though I know its not that)
My therapist said she was really impressed with because my calming part of the brain was able to respond to a much lower frequency than in session 1; It went from 02.00mHz down to 0.05mHz. She said that was the good thing about working with BPD because the moods are so quick to change that the BPD brain can respond to treatment faster. I managed to hold my attention to the video for 25 minutes before getting over stimulated, we’re now going to work on getting that up to the maximum of 30 minutes and also lower the spikes (sudden unsettled feelings) in my brainwaves as they show up on the computer my therapist sees. Overall I do believe this treatment is beneficial as even “small” differences mean good progress.
This song isn’t necessarily anything to do with how I’m feeling I just really like it;
thanks for reading, NI2M ❤