MeetMeOnTheBorderline: The Bumps In The Road To Recovery

This past week has been really stressful and my BPD has been triggered because on monday I had a fall out with some friends because they started making fun of something I was very sensitive about thus triggering me (not in the meme way, the legitimate trauma way) I was having anxiety attacks and dissociating so I was only half aware that I was sending such aggressive texts because all my defences started kicking in.

A couple of hours later I was willing to move on because I felt I had no choice if I wanted to keep my friends though I was still hurt however one friend stopped responding to me which again triggered my BPD’s intense abandonment anxiety not only that but she seemed to be behaving in a passive aggressive way, she took down a website she built for me and lied about not being able to message me to my mutual friends even though I didn’t block her and she was using the same messaging site to talk to our mutual friends.

I tried to be rational, tried to control myself for my friends’ sake but they have no idea what their behaviour has been doing to me. All week I have felt like crying at the drop of a hat, I can’t sleep, my appetite is going, I can’t concentrate and my moods are swinging like a park swing because I am so anxious. I’m not necessarily scared that they are going to leave me anymore, in fact I tried to leave them, its just the uncertainty, I feel like my friends are hiding something from me “for my own protection” as one said about the matter of the lie but they’re not protecting me by being vague and saying nothing. I just want to know whether or not we’re still friends because if not I can let go and if we do stay friends I can move on but they’re leaving me hanging here and its infuriating and hurtful.

All of them seem to be standing by the friend who’s not responding to me even when I asked her straight up if we could talk this through like adults, nothing, not even a “talk later” they seem to be treating me as if I was the only one in the wrong (It wasn’t a good way for me to express my feelings) but they seem to forget that this person made light of something they knew hurt me because I told them I was having anxiety attacks but they still kept going and now she’s being a passive aggressive and no one is telling me why, I just feel so alone. This is one of those times that I want to give my friends my feelings so they know how bad I ACTUALLY get when I’m like this because they clearly don’t know the half of what I have to go through daily.

I have felt like self harming all week, I feel like its the only thing that can help me now and I won’t tell my friends that because it’s “emotionally manipulative” so as usual I will just fester in my own pain while they go about their lives and believe I’m just “over reacting” maybe I am but it doesn’t make my feelings any less valid!

Anyway the point of this post was to say that when you are trying to recover from a mental illness you are going to have things that test you and try to pull you back all the way to step one and I believe that’s normal for recovery in fact I would be more worried if it was all smooth sailing because would that mean I never needed treatment in the first place? For now I’m just trying alternatives to self harm by doing things I enjoy like reading, drawing, watching movies, listening to music and I’m even trying to make new friends online! so I can definitely see some improvement in myself since I started Neuorfeedback as before the treatment I would have probably picked up the scissors already…

 

Thank you for reading, NI2M ❤

MeetMeOnTheBorderline: The Other Problem with BPD

so for about 6 weeks now I’ve been receiving treatment for emotional instability and it does seem to be working, I’m slower to react and quicker to recover from a bad mood but there is another problem with BPD and that is identity.

You see BPD makes me fear abandonment and rejection so for years I’ve tried to fit in with the people I like. I’ve even tried to be different types of people but all this lead to was me feel confused about who I truly was.

Recently I was out with friends watching a movie I told my friend that I really liked it but she said for her it was just mediocre and then… I found myself talking down the movie I actually liked just to be on the same page as her. Not going to lie as I was doing this I felt myself dying a little inside.

I used to do it when I was in school but didn’t feel so bad about it because blending in and agreeing with others what pretty much how we all survived high school but now I’m 20, out of school and mainly on my own so I shouldn’t feel the need to try to fit in any more but I do as I still have that fear of the few people I call friends leaving me.

Also during that day I found myself feeling uncomfortable, sad and anxious but just like I used to plastered a smile on my face, made jokes and pretended everything was good even as they were “roasting” me (although some of the time it felt like straight up insults) the whole time dying a little more inside bit by bit.

When I got home I found myself wondering “do they only like me because I behave the way I want them to?” if I started being more honest about my thoughts and feelings would they turn on me? would they say I was “overreacting” “being dramatic” or “over sensitive?” I don’t know and that worries me but if they were true friends they would at least try to understand right?

I’m just so tired of compromising myself and basically lying for other people’s benefit just to have me feeling hollowed out and confused. So I guess its not just the emotions I have to worry about my identity.

Here are the things I know about myself;

I enjoy reading but I don’t know what my favourite genre is

I Love going to the cinema/theatre but can’t often afford it

I like to write but often doubt my work and therefore lack the motivation to actually do it.

My favourite band is Evanescence

My favourite genre of music seems to be rock but I’m also able to enjoy other genres

I love to sing and dance but not seriously.

Everything emotional and social about myself I’m not sure of, like am I introverted or extroverted? Am I really so emotionally sensitive? I have no clue and I guess its going to take time for me to find out and become my “true self”

 

Thank you for reading, NI2M ❤

MeetMeOnTheBorderline: Making Progress with Neurofeedback

Last week:

Session 3

I really did not want to go to therapy, my brain had a sort of “screw this, I want to stay in bed” attitude, I did manage to force myself to go though (with my mum’s help) the session turned out good I think because of my attitude/mood it was harder for me to settle this time round but I found the session very beneficial once I did.

Afterwards I was able to sleep for a couple of hours when I got home. I also noticed a difference during the week,for example, I was able to hang up the phone first when talking to friends; this may not sound like a big deal but I usually cling on to my phone and talk to my friends for hours at a time, I guess it’s a fear of being left out or having my friends lose interest that makes me behave in a sort of “Clingy” way but like I said I was able to set boundaries and priorities other things. Another thing, at least twice this past week I had the temptation to self harm but I was able to calm myself down and prevent myself from doing it which is really good 🙂

Today:

Session 4

Lately I’ve been having more trouble sleeping than usual and a badly upset stomach from anxiety about a blood test (ironically for my stomach problems) and the usual daily anxieties that come with BPD so today my therapist wanted to focus this neurofeedback session on relieving anxiety. It was a very interesting session today, I had to watch a spaceship going through brightly coloured tunnels that reminded me of the hogwarts houses, what I had noticed before in other sessions was that when I lost focus or started fidgeting the screen would start going dark while the spaceship stopped and the music got quieter. However what I hadn’t noticed before (probably because I wasn’t concentrating enough) was that when I was really attentive to the spaceship it would start going faster for some reason this amused me and I would find myself smiling as I used my brain to push it onwards. I thought it was really cool how the video seemed to respond to my brain, almost like having magic powers (though I know its not that)

My therapist said she was really impressed with because my calming part of the brain was able to respond to a much lower frequency than in session 1; It went from 02.00mHz down to 0.05mHz. She said that was the good thing about working with BPD because the moods are so quick to change that the BPD brain can respond to treatment faster. I managed to hold my attention to the video for 25 minutes before getting over stimulated, we’re now going to work on getting that up to the maximum of 30 minutes and also lower the spikes (sudden unsettled feelings) in my brainwaves as they show up on the computer my therapist sees. Overall I do believe this treatment is beneficial as even “small” differences mean good progress.

This song isn’t necessarily anything to do with how I’m feeling I just really like it;

thanks for reading, NI2M ❤