This past week has been really stressful and my BPD has been triggered because on monday I had a fall out with some friends because they started making fun of something I was very sensitive about thus triggering me (not in the meme way, the legitimate trauma way) I was having anxiety attacks and dissociating so I was only half aware that I was sending such aggressive texts because all my defences started kicking in.
A couple of hours later I was willing to move on because I felt I had no choice if I wanted to keep my friends though I was still hurt however one friend stopped responding to me which again triggered my BPD’s intense abandonment anxiety not only that but she seemed to be behaving in a passive aggressive way, she took down a website she built for me and lied about not being able to message me to my mutual friends even though I didn’t block her and she was using the same messaging site to talk to our mutual friends.
I tried to be rational, tried to control myself for my friends’ sake but they have no idea what their behaviour has been doing to me. All week I have felt like crying at the drop of a hat, I can’t sleep, my appetite is going, I can’t concentrate and my moods are swinging like a park swing because I am so anxious. I’m not necessarily scared that they are going to leave me anymore, in fact I tried to leave them, its just the uncertainty, I feel like my friends are hiding something from me “for my own protection” as one said about the matter of the lie but they’re not protecting me by being vague and saying nothing. I just want to know whether or not we’re still friends because if not I can let go and if we do stay friends I can move on but they’re leaving me hanging here and its infuriating and hurtful.
All of them seem to be standing by the friend who’s not responding to me even when I asked her straight up if we could talk this through like adults, nothing, not even a “talk later” they seem to be treating me as if I was the only one in the wrong (It wasn’t a good way for me to express my feelings) but they seem to forget that this person made light of something they knew hurt me because I told them I was having anxiety attacks but they still kept going and now she’s being a passive aggressive and no one is telling me why, I just feel so alone. This is one of those times that I want to give my friends my feelings so they know how bad I ACTUALLY get when I’m like this because they clearly don’t know the half of what I have to go through daily.
I have felt like self harming all week, I feel like its the only thing that can help me now and I won’t tell my friends that because it’s “emotionally manipulative” so as usual I will just fester in my own pain while they go about their lives and believe I’m just “over reacting” maybe I am but it doesn’t make my feelings any less valid!
Anyway the point of this post was to say that when you are trying to recover from a mental illness you are going to have things that test you and try to pull you back all the way to step one and I believe that’s normal for recovery in fact I would be more worried if it was all smooth sailing because would that mean I never needed treatment in the first place? For now I’m just trying alternatives to self harm by doing things I enjoy like reading, drawing, watching movies, listening to music and I’m even trying to make new friends online! so I can definitely see some improvement in myself since I started Neuorfeedback as before the treatment I would have probably picked up the scissors already…
Thank you for reading, NI2M ❤