So I’ve started making steps to heal from BPD and depression. At first I was excited that I might finally have the help I need and will be able to get better but then late at night I started thinking… The therapies that have been suggested are physiological, they will affect my brain by playing with neurons and pathways I think, I’m not sure, I mean they wouldn’t do that would they? Even if they did it would be for the better right?
I don’t really remember my childhood before the disorder, my therapist said I blocked it out because of trauma so I have no idea who I am without it. If/when this is healed who will I be? I don’t know and that scares me. What if I don’t like the “real” me, what if after these therapies I become a stranger to myself? How would I feel? I’m so used to chaotic emotions that I wonder what would happen if they quieten down. A part of me is excited to change but another part (probably the BPD) is terrified.
EMDR and Neurofeedback are the therapies I’ve been promised and I’ve been researching them which has just made my anxiety worse. I suppose that’s the thing with BPD it stops you growing and makes you fear anything other than the destructive behaviours you know. I think next session may involve my therapist convincing me that I’ll be okay and me repeatedly asking for reassurance.
Here’s a song that perfectly sums this all up for me:
Thank you for reading,