I was looking back at some of my old posts today to see if anythings changed since I started and well, it has. I used to be so nice, so caring, always putting other people before myself but now not so much. I can be so mean recently, not necessarily out loud but in my head I can not only be mean to myself but others as well. I can come up with an insult for someone in approximately 3 seconds and I can lash out for seemingly no reason.
I remember a few months back some of my friends were acting strange and would start being passive aggressive towards each other while I tried to figure out what the hell was going on and fix things but that only led to them taking their anger out on me and I hated it. It brought back memories of people treating me like dirt just because they could. I don’t think that’s when it started though.
A while before I had a fight with someone who is no longer my friend because she was so rude and refused to grow up and I knew if I’d stayed with her she’d drag me down to her level. I tried telling her that she needs help, to move forward and she got really defensive so I got verbally aggressive (I wrote a blog post about it)
On my cousin’s hen night she accused me of “acting up” because I got so upset that something went wrong as I was so worried about spoiling her night and I did. She then called me to “clear the air” only to twist my words and basically show how ignorant and spoiled she truly is. I used to respect her, not any more, I barely see or talk to her anymore by choice.
Another time I “went out” with someone for a while but that turned really messed up and then recently they went into my friend’s place of work and started hitting on her! and at this time he had a girlfriend which he got not long after being with me. How fucked up is that? I got my friend to add him on facebook to keep track of him and I said if he tries anything on her I would legit make his life hell (petty I know) at the time revenge was on the brain he hasn’t tried anything yet thank God for him, I’m just waiting for an excuse to hurt him like he hurt me.
I think my problem with being so nice was that a lot of people would take advantage of that, use me and hurt me and then I would wonder why they hurt because I was so nice causing me to become confused and frustrated. I think (I’m not sure when) something snapped and I got sick of being walked on and having my own kindness lead to so much pain. So now like recently, I was very hostile to some professionals because I didn’t trust them because I’ve been let down by the people who are supposed to help me so many times.
I think its all about finding balance between kind to yourself and to others. Identifying when someone or a situation is not good for you and learning that it’s okay to say “no” its okay to put yourself first because a lot of times that’s what everyone else does no matter how nice you are to them. Here’s another new song that I feel goes well with what I’ve said:
thank you for reading,