Surprise, I’m back… This is kind of awkward considering I haven’t used this site in so long. Honestly I don’t know why I stopped writing, my brain just seemed to not want to do it like I couldn’t put my thoughts to paper/screen. I’ve had a lot of problems for months now; drama with friends, I was ill, we thought my sister might die (she’s okay) I’ve had many unsuccessful attempts at getting a job and getting the help I need has proven easier said than done.
All of this led to a suicidal episode where I took an overdose of pills I’d found (my mum hides them all) I ended up in hospital yet again talking to a psychiatrist who was so unempathetic and I honestly felt like I was being attacked by her, she was saying how I shouldn’t have stopped attending therapy and I just thought “what therapy? seeing some random person once every few months where by then I’ve had to help myself? you think that’s therapy?” I sort of said all this through tears and frustration although I don’t think I was that articulate at the time. My dad was with me and he stood up for me.
That was the first time in a long time I let a professional see how I was truly feeling instead of saying what they wanted to hear or what I could remember because I seem to have memory lapses after a “breakdown” I’ve been so dissociated lately, so detached from reality and myself, I’ve been acting without thinking because of all this detachment. I feel so out of control, my sleeping problem has gotten worse and I can barely take care of myself. There’s one good thing about this, its motivated my dad to arrange for me to see someone quicker, I’ve also been offered DBT from the CMHT (Fucking finally)
I have my first appointment with the therapist my dad arranged in a few days time, I hope it goes well. I feel like I might be heading for a panic attack or aggressive outburst again. I feel so suffocated by my thoughts and my chest is so tight from anxiety. I’m just so fed up of being let down again and again. People promising me things and then breaking them, its so infuriating.
On a good note I have been helping myself, I’ve been reading lots of books and making videos about them. It makes me feel good to produce something while doing something I enjoy I wish I could do it for a living. I’ve been discovering a lot of new music recently as well. I think this one really sums up what I’ve been feeling.
Thank you for reading,