MeetMeOnTheBorderline: Paranoia, Here I Go Again…

When I’m really stressed out I can have episodes of paranoia lasting days, weeks or longer. I remember at school I was getting so stressed out from exams and bullying that I used to think people were talking about me ALL the time, I used to think I heard my name in someone’s conversation but later find out that wasn’t the case. I used to worry about being hacked and watched through my laptop/phone so would always turn off the wifi after a while thinking that would help stop the hacking.

I also used to be paranoid about how I smelled, honestly my anxiety was so bad during high school and college that I was having severe stomach problems (I’ll let you decide what that means) because of this I would constantly worry about smelling bad so would take body spray and perfume everywhere as well as I wash myself two, three times a day but even then I would sweat and shake from anxiety which would, ironically, make my stomach issues worse and I fell into this cycle of constant worry.

When I was even younger at primary school we were learning about germs and the Plague. After being taught about the plague I was filled with so much horror that I had a nightmare on the same night. This triggered my anxiety and paranoia and I became a lot more cautious about germs and illness, getting so stressed and washing my hands so much that I developed eczema which is where areas of your skin (back of the hands for me) become dry and chapped. I remember it got so bad my hands started bleeding and my mum had to come into the school with some cream for it. I’ve started using moisturising soap which helps.

Now it’s manifest itself in an even stranger way, I feel like I’m being watched by people in pictures, it gets so bad sometimes that I want to hide every photo from my sight, I also worry about being watched by ghosts/spirits or that they are able to read my thoughts so I feel I have no privacy. I also worry when friends aren’t answering my messages, I think they’ve had enough of me and they’re talking to eachother about me instead of to me.

I am aware I’m being paranoid but it feels so intense and real at times that logic doesn’t stop it. These episodes didn’t really ease up until I started fluoxetine and I think it would be worse now without my medication as when I stopped taking it for a while I found that the anxiety/paranoia would invade so much of my mind that I could barely do anything but worry, its still there but less intense with my meds.

Two songs with this post because both have a theme of fighting your inner demons and I couldn’t choose between them;

 

 

Thank you for reading,

NI2M ❤

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MeetMeOnTheBorderline: Rewriting Myself With Neurofeedback

A couple of days ago I had my first Neurofeedback session to deal with my explosive anger,it was a strange experience. I had electrodes placed on my head, one behind my ear, one just above the ear and the third went on the back of my head. These electrodes would monitor my brain activity while I watched a video that would train the calming part of my brain to work better.

The video was of a butterfly going through various tunnels of bright colours and childish images (I honestly thought “this is what it must be like to take drugs” lol)  through quite a bit of it I was on edge and thinking way too much but at times I was able to relax and I gradually sunk into the sofa feeling more and more sleepy.

The therapist showed me my results and explained that she was examining which frequency in the music triggered the calming part to work properly. My frequency was 02.00 she told me that people with brain damage would need a higher frequency while people with OCD would require a lower frequency. In the proceeding sessions we’ll be training my brain to respond to lower frequencies so I can calm down easier.

I have noticed some difference after the session such as I was playing a game with some friends well one of them is very competitive and tends to get angry when losing, usually I would get mad right back at him and have to leave to stop a full on argument brewing, this time however I wasn’t responding with aggression and I was able to laugh and enjoy myself. I’ve been laughing quite a bit recently which is good because I don’t remember the last time I properly laughed before now.

Thank you for reading,

NI2M ❤

MeetMeOnTheBorderline: What I know now

So, yesterday was my first EMDR session but first we spent most of the session talking in more detail about my history and how BPD affects me. My mum was there to fill in the gaps of my childhood I can’t remember.

As you may remember I had quite a lot of anxiety about EMDR so I asked “What will I be like without the disorder, what if I don’t like the ‘real’ me?” she proceeded to explain to me that although it’s called a personality disorder its more about emotions rather than personality.

She told me that BPD is the result of trauma in childhood (mainly losing a primary attachment) and the brain goes into hyper vigilance, looking for any signs of threat from any person; this is what makes us so sensitive. This state hinders the growth of the brain so instead of moving forward every time a situation triggers the brain automatically refers back to its old “coping” mechanisms. So its like the brain repeatedly hit replay instead of next (does that make sense? I came up with that one)

There is also the fact that with BPD the emotional and logical side of the brain can’t work together at the same time its an either/or thing like mostly everything with BPD. So she said EMDR is about retraining the brain so that both sides can work together better in times of distress. My personality will still be the same but I’ll be more emotionally stable and less intense. Personally I can’t imagine that for me that means being completely numb but that’s mental illness/disorders for you, if you have it long enough you don’t really see life without it.

Another worry I had was that I would have to relive old memories however my therapist said that she wouldn’t make me talk about anything if I didn’t want to as she knows that triggering those memories would more likely retraumatise me rather than help me. So I think EMDR was more like meditation/hypnosis for me. When I was doing it my therapist told me to visualise a safe place and good things; somehow toward the end of the session I ended up reciting this song to myself in my mind…

 

Thank you for reading,

NI2M ❤

MeetMeOnTheBorderline: Fear Of Healing

So I’ve started making steps to heal from BPD and depression. At first I was excited that I might finally have the help I need and will be able to get better but then late at night I started thinking… The therapies that have been suggested are physiological, they will affect my brain by playing with neurons and pathways I think, I’m not sure, I mean they wouldn’t do that would they? Even if they did it would be for the better right?

I don’t really remember my childhood before the disorder, my therapist said I blocked it out because of trauma so I have no idea who I am without it. If/when this is healed who will I be? I don’t know and that scares me. What if I don’t like the “real” me, what if after these therapies I become a stranger to myself? How would I feel? I’m so used to chaotic emotions that I wonder what would happen if they quieten down. A part of me is excited to change but another part (probably the BPD) is terrified.

EMDR and Neurofeedback are the therapies I’ve been promised and I’ve been researching them which has just made my anxiety worse. I suppose that’s the thing with BPD it stops you growing and makes you fear anything other than the destructive behaviours you know. I think next session may involve my therapist convincing me that I’ll be okay and me repeatedly asking for reassurance.

Here’s a song that perfectly sums this all up for me:

 

Thank you for reading,

NI2M ❤

MeetMeOnTheBorderline: ROAD TO RECOVERY

Today I had my first meeting with the therapist my dad arranged for me to see. Since yesterday I’d been so worked up with anxiety about it that an hour before I had to see her I felt lightheaded and like I was about to throw up. Would I get along with her? Will she be like other therapists I’ve had? Will she be arrogant enough to put words in mouth? Would I hate her? would she let me down?

When I met her I felt a lot better, she had a soothing voice (I’m very emotionally reactive to people’s tones) and her room smelled of incense (which I love) and was full of comfy furniture and beautiful art so already the atmosphere was good. She seemed to ask the right questions and I didn’t feel like she was just checking off criteria and I felt I was being talked to like an equal, not a child.

She told me she specialises with BPD and she studied it over in America where they seem to have a better understanding of the disorder than they do here in the UK. She wants to do EMDR and Neurofeedback with me which she said has helped other BPD sufferers recover. I think I’m going to have to do a lot of research into those as I’ve only heard about DBT  which I’ve been offered by the community mental health team; well I hope at least one of them works for me. I really need something to work…

 

Thank you for reading,

NI2M ❤

MeetMeOnTheBorderline: What happened to me?

I was looking back at some of my old posts today to see if anythings changed since I started and well, it has. I used to be so nice, so caring, always putting other people before myself but now not so much. I can be so mean recently, not necessarily out loud but in my head I can not only be mean to myself but others as well. I can come up with an insult for someone in approximately 3 seconds and I can lash out for seemingly no reason.

I remember a few months back some of my friends were acting strange and would start being passive aggressive towards each other while I tried to figure out what the hell was going on and fix things but that only led to them taking their anger out on me and I hated it. It brought back memories of people treating me like dirt just because they could. I don’t think that’s when it started though.

A while before I had a fight with someone who is no longer my friend because she was so rude and refused to grow up and I knew if I’d stayed with her she’d drag me down to her level. I tried telling her that she needs help, to move forward and she got really defensive so I got verbally aggressive (I wrote a blog post about it)

On my cousin’s hen night she accused me of “acting up” because I got so upset that something went wrong as I was so worried about spoiling her night and I did. She then called me to “clear the air” only to twist my words and basically show how ignorant and spoiled she truly is. I used to respect her, not any more, I barely see or talk to her anymore by choice.

Another time I “went out” with someone for a while but that turned really messed up and then recently they went into my friend’s place of work and started hitting on her! and at this time he had a girlfriend which he got not long after being with me. How fucked up is that? I got my friend to add him on facebook to keep track of him and I said if he tries anything on her I would legit make his life hell (petty I know) at the time revenge was on the brain he hasn’t tried anything yet thank God for him, I’m just waiting for an excuse to hurt him like he hurt me.

I think my problem with being so nice was that a lot of people would take advantage of that, use me and hurt me and then I would wonder why they hurt because I was so nice causing me to become confused and frustrated. I think (I’m not sure when) something snapped and I got sick of being walked on and having my own kindness lead to so much pain. So now like recently, I was very hostile to some professionals because I didn’t trust them because I’ve been let down by the people who are supposed to help me so many times.

I think its all about finding balance between kind to yourself and to others. Identifying when someone or a situation is not good for you and learning that it’s okay to say “no” its okay to put yourself first because a lot of times that’s what everyone else does no matter how nice you are to them. Here’s another new song that I feel goes well with what I’ve said:

thank you for reading,

NI2M ❤

MeetMeOnTheBorderline: Need To Breathe

Surprise, I’m back… This is kind of awkward considering I haven’t used this site in so long. Honestly I don’t know why I stopped writing, my brain just seemed to not want to do it like I couldn’t put my thoughts to paper/screen. I’ve had a lot of problems for months now; drama with friends, I was ill, we thought my sister might die (she’s okay) I’ve had many unsuccessful attempts at getting a job and getting the help I need has proven easier said than done.

All of this led to a suicidal episode where I took an overdose of pills I’d found (my mum hides them all) I ended up in hospital yet again talking to a psychiatrist who was so unempathetic and I honestly felt like I was being attacked by her, she was saying how I shouldn’t have stopped attending therapy and I just thought “what therapy? seeing some random person once every few months where by then I’ve had to help myself? you think that’s therapy?” I sort of said all this through tears and frustration although I don’t think I was that articulate at the time. My dad was with me and he stood up for me.

That was the first time in a long time I let a professional see how I was truly feeling instead of saying what they wanted to hear or what I could remember because I seem to have memory lapses after a “breakdown” I’ve been so dissociated lately, so detached from reality and myself, I’ve been acting without thinking because of all this detachment. I feel so out of control, my sleeping problem has gotten worse and I can barely take care of myself. There’s one good thing about this, its motivated my dad to arrange for me to see someone quicker, I’ve also been offered DBT from the CMHT (Fucking finally)

I have my first appointment with the therapist my dad arranged in a few days time, I hope it goes well. I feel like I might be heading for a panic attack or aggressive outburst again. I feel so suffocated by my thoughts and my chest is so tight from anxiety. I’m just so fed up of being let down again and again. People promising me things and then breaking them, its so infuriating.

On a good note I have been helping myself, I’ve been reading lots of books and making videos about them. It makes me feel good to produce something while doing something I enjoy I wish I could do it for a living. I’ve been discovering a lot of new music recently as well. I think this one really sums up what I’ve been feeling.

 

Thank you for reading,

NI2M ❤