I’ve been said harming all this week. I don’t even really feel bad about it, I often get so emotionally stressed out that I have chest pains. Recently it’s been more about my unsuccesful attempts to find work making me feel absolutely useless and insecure.
Self harming is giving me relief, I just feel better after doing it, it takes my mind away from all my conflicting thoughts and feelings.
I know I shouldn’t be doing it, I know my mum would be disappointed that I’ve broken her trust again and my friends would try to get me to stop if they knew but honestly there is nothing any of them can do at the moment.
I’ve been wanting to die for quite some time now, the reason I haven’t tried anything is because I’m needed if I wasn’t well I wouldn’t be writing this right now. So I guess as… compensation? for the fact that I can’t the I’ve been hurting myself with scissors that my mum hides at the top of the cabinet. She doesn’t know that I know where it is it that I’ve been using it.
I’ve learned over time that addiction isn’t something you get over easily even before this week anytging could set off that urge to hurt myself. I’ve tried many times to stop but it’s clearly not something I can do myself.