DepressionDiaries: Parts of me (Posts left in drafts #1)

BPD often comes with a lot of identity confusion and being a sort of social Chamelion made me a talented actress. I could play any role given to me and be whoever I needed to be in different situations. I grew up this way. I’ve spent the past year thinking about who I am and where I truly belong and honestly I’ve got no answers. My personality seems to shift and even I sometimes believed the role I was playing felt right but then I would be alone and question my entire existance.

Over the years I seem to have picked up several identities that seem consistent to me but are also nearly completely different therfore often conflict with eachother in my head.

I watch Thomas Sanders and I love “Sanders sides” so much so that I came up with an idea to do sort of the same thing with myself where all these different parts of me would debate with eachother and I would come to understand each of them and their needs. I figured that this might help me understand myself better as a whole. So maybe expressing each part probably in writing will help me.

Like Thomas Sanders I named each of them and they all reperesent different parts of myself; morality, logic, Creativity and Darkness.

Astra (creativity) she’s the part of me that loves to perform and make things. I would have been an actress because of her but darkness got in the way. She’s the most confident and feminine part of me.

Alice (Morality) childlike and sensitive she’s the part of me from before my morals were tested. She believes in goodness of people and is full of love and kindness. However she is very sensitive especially to Darkness and can cause me anxiety when it comes to people as she hates upsetting anyone.

Athena (Logic) she’s the wisest part of me but not necessarily a know it all. In fact she loves not knowing everything as that means there is always something new to learn. Where as Astra is imaginative, Athena is very much fact over fiction and more sensible than my other parts. If she was in charge I would probably be studying science at university right now.

Autumn (darkness) she’s pretty much the product of bullying and depression. Astra doesn’t like her because she gets in the way of dreams by bringing in crippling self doubt. As I said Alice is sensitive so is an easy target for Autumn to bully. Altercations between them are what causes most of my problems I believe.

I haven’t been writing recently, so much has been going on but I just can’t seem to put it into to words. I’ve been MIA but thinking about coming back to WordPress, I have some stories for ya but at the moment I am ill (again) with migraines and a badly blocked nose that means I can barely breathe (what is it with me and getting ill?) however I do have a few posts left in my drafts that were from a while ago and thought I might as well publish them. This is the first one thanks for reading 🙂 

NI2M ❤

 

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