DepressionDiaries: The Addiction’s Return

Trigger Warning

I’ve been said harming all this week. I don’t even really feel bad about it, I often get so emotionally stressed out that I have chest pains. Recently it’s been more about my unsuccesful attempts to find work making me feel absolutely useless and insecure.

Self harming is giving me relief, I just feel better after doing it, it takes my mind away from all my conflicting thoughts and feelings.

I know I shouldn’t be doing it, I know my mum would be disappointed that I’ve broken her trust again and my friends would try to get me to stop if they knew but honestly there is nothing any of them can do at the moment.

I’ve been wanting to die for quite some time now, the reason I haven’t tried anything is because I’m needed if I wasn’t well I wouldn’t be writing this right now. So I guess as… compensation? for the fact that I can’t the I’ve been hurting myself with scissors that my mum hides at the top of the cabinet. She doesn’t know that I know where it is it that I’ve been using it.

I’ve learned over time that addiction isn’t something you get over easily even before this week anytging could set off that urge to hurt myself. I’ve tried many times to stop but it’s clearly not something I can do myself.

NI2M ❤

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DepressionDiaries: Can’t Sleep… as usual

It’s nearly 4 in the morning and I’m still awake. Maybe I shouldn’t have slept during the afternoon and gone out instead.

This morning my mum woke me up to call the recruitment people about when I would start. The Girl on the phone (who was clearly new) basically brushed me off saying they only had one day shift left when I wanted to work nights so we hung up.

My mum and I had like a five minute argument about it until I called them back and said I would take that last shift and start on Monday. I was really pleased finally I had gotten a job after being brushed off by the same people a week ago because of black Friday.

I texted my dad and my friend who already works at where I want to go only to realise looking at the postcode that the recruitment people texted me that I was assigned to the wrong area even though I mentioned to the girl on the phone what area I wanted to work in.

This wouldn’t be a problem if this area was easier to get to but it’s quite far from where I live and I’m expected to start at 7am on Monday. Then starting properly would mean I work 10 hours a day in the winter so I will have to find my way round an unfamiliar area in the dark and I have problems walking round my own neighbourhood in the dark.

So I have to give them another call in a few hours to try and fix this mix up if I can’t I may just take the job anyway. It’s better than nothing right?

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: What’s the point?

Trigger Warning

What’s the point in fighting?

Whats the point in taking my medication?

What’s the point in trying to pick myself up when I just keep sinking lower and lower?

I’ve tried to piece my life back together. Been looking for a job, got brushed off 3 times.

Got back in touch with some good friends but through October it went down hill fast with them.

Started working on a novel and making videos only to lose my willpower to keep doing it.

Started making plans to go to the gym only to find myself drained of energy constantly so sleeping seems the best activity.

Just… what is the point of even trying anymore?

 

 

DepressionDiaries: I Have No Idea What I’m Doing (Posts left in drafts #3)

I believe this picture post was created simply to some up what I was feeling at the time. The statement is still sort of true I do know what I’m doing with my life now, I’m looking for paid work so that I can start driving lessons and possibly even go back to studying but I think I am doing it wrong. A while back I went for my first job interview and I think I may have been too honest about my mental state because I didn’t get a call back and I’m still waiting on another job offer to call me when they have hours available.

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Where Have I Been? (Posts left in drafts #2)

In denial. That’s where, recently I’ve refused to acknowledge my mental health problems. So I’ve just been going through my days on my phone, playing YouTube videos like literally ALL DAY considering this normal and the best thing for me.

However I have skipped group therapy sessions (which have now ended) ignored my needs and have resorted to not even try anymore.

I wanted my life to not revolve around my BPD and Depression so I pretended it wasn’t a thing.

This One is short and left incomplete, I was writing it on a train coming back from Brighton I must have arrived on my platform and just left it unfinished. At the moment things haven’t been that much different. I do talk about my mental health with my friends (we’ll talk about them in another post) but recently I’ve been trying to push through the pain and get on with thing. I’ve been thinking about going into private therapy but honestly I just don’t want to, I know I need to (we’ll also get to that in another post) but I just don’t want to go through it again. I just want to get a job and go back to studying but of course with me that’s easier imagined than done.

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Parts of me (Posts left in drafts #1)

BPD often comes with a lot of identity confusion and being a sort of social Chamelion made me a talented actress. I could play any role given to me and be whoever I needed to be in different situations. I grew up this way. I’ve spent the past year thinking about who I am and where I truly belong and honestly I’ve got no answers. My personality seems to shift and even I sometimes believed the role I was playing felt right but then I would be alone and question my entire existance.

Over the years I seem to have picked up several identities that seem consistent to me but are also nearly completely different therfore often conflict with eachother in my head.

I watch Thomas Sanders and I love “Sanders sides” so much so that I came up with an idea to do sort of the same thing with myself where all these different parts of me would debate with eachother and I would come to understand each of them and their needs. I figured that this might help me understand myself better as a whole. So maybe expressing each part probably in writing will help me.

Like Thomas Sanders I named each of them and they all reperesent different parts of myself; morality, logic, Creativity and Darkness.

Astra (creativity) she’s the part of me that loves to perform and make things. I would have been an actress because of her but darkness got in the way. She’s the most confident and feminine part of me.

Alice (Morality) childlike and sensitive she’s the part of me from before my morals were tested. She believes in goodness of people and is full of love and kindness. However she is very sensitive especially to Darkness and can cause me anxiety when it comes to people as she hates upsetting anyone.

Athena (Logic) she’s the wisest part of me but not necessarily a know it all. In fact she loves not knowing everything as that means there is always something new to learn. Where as Astra is imaginative, Athena is very much fact over fiction and more sensible than my other parts. If she was in charge I would probably be studying science at university right now.

Autumn (darkness) she’s pretty much the product of bullying and depression. Astra doesn’t like her because she gets in the way of dreams by bringing in crippling self doubt. As I said Alice is sensitive so is an easy target for Autumn to bully. Altercations between them are what causes most of my problems I believe.

I haven’t been writing recently, so much has been going on but I just can’t seem to put it into to words. I’ve been MIA but thinking about coming back to WordPress, I have some stories for ya but at the moment I am ill (again) with migraines and a badly blocked nose that means I can barely breathe (what is it with me and getting ill?) however I do have a few posts left in my drafts that were from a while ago and thought I might as well publish them. This is the first one thanks for reading 🙂 

NI2M ❤