DepressionDiaries: My Stupid Heart </3

I don’t really want to be writing this but I think I need to. I was scrolling through facebook when I saw that the guy I went on a date with a few weeks back (the guy who claimed I was a ‘sweet angel’ and said he would do anything to make me happy; even though we barely knew each other) Well he set his status on Facebook as “in a relationship”, not with meas I’d made it clear I did not want to be his girlfriend at least until we got to know each other.

Well if you read my previous post you’ll know that this did not go so well. I hate to admit this considering I found this guys quite creepy and a bit threatening but when I saw his “in a relationship” status. I felt hurt, angry and perhaps a little heartbroken even though, like I said, I wasn’t his girlfriend and didn’t want to be.

I guess the fact that he’d showed me some kind of love and attention that my BPD so craves just to take it back and find someone else not long after set off that good ol’ feeling of abandonment. Also what’s frustrating is that I was as nice as I could be to him because I didn’t want to make him feel bad then he goes and pulls this sh*t making ME feel bad, remind me why I give a f*ck about others these days? Below are quotes of messages I sent to my friends about the situation;

“I guess I just feel kind of used and abused for some desperate whim”

Why can’t someone ACTUALLY love me in a non creepy way?”

“Why do they (past admirers) have to stalk or threaten me?”

by now I was feeling depressed, worthless, on the verge of tears and trembling from the intense emotional reaction I was having of wanting to cry, fight with the guy, and find someone else to make myself feel better but 1) Like I said I wasn’t interested so crying is futile 2) He technically did nothing wrong, I was not his girlfriend 3) would just make me as bad and as desperate as him.

In the end I opted to shut down my phone, have a refreshing wash and rock out to rebellious angry music until I was ready to go back to talking to my friends for some humorous banter about the situation.

To be honest that part of me that feels abandoned and depressed about the situation will be there for a while I’ve got to accept that but I have other things to focus on; friends, family, my youtube channel and finding a paid job… Yes I’m taking the right steps towards adulthood, wish me luck.

As for the person who’s now dating said guy. Good luck, don’t let him pressure you and thank you for taking him off my hands.

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NI2M ❤

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DepressionDiaries: Feeling the Pressure

Him: Hey you free to meet up I need someone to meet feeling lonely right now and just wondering upset atm

Me: Where and when?

Him: Today if possible please. Feel like crying 😢

Me: Okay well I’m already meeting up with a friend. Is it all right if he comes to?

Him: No sorry just might jump off a building sorry

This is a conversation between me and the guy I went on a date with a few weeks ago. Bare in mind we’ve hardly spoken and we don’t really know eachother well.

I actually lied about already meeting up with a friend. I was on facetime with two of them when I was getting these messages and honestly I felt uncomfortable meeting up with him alone so I begged one of them to come with me but then you saw that last message. When he sent that I felt threatened like if I didn’t meet up with him… alone and at night he would hurt himself. I told my friends what he said and immediately alarm bells went off for them as well. So I ended up saying that I couldn’t meet him and my mum never wants me to see him again and I don’t mind that honestly.

He has since apologised for his behaviour but I still don’t trust him, I can feel the colour drain from my face as the dread rushes over me whenever I get a message from him. He wants to see me but I don’t want to see him and I don’t know how to tell him that…

NI2M ❤