DepressionDiaries: Being Mean/ The Confrontation Situation

Now I’m really bad at confrontations. 1 because I don’t like upsetting people and 2 because I have anger management problems so an argument with me can go 0- 100 real quick but recently I had to rise up to the challenge of a confrontation. I got a message from this person I hadn’t spoken to in a long time because… I don’t like them.

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They basically put pressure on me by saying I should decide whether or not we should still be friends and that she cares even if I don’t; basically just making me feel bad. It was out of the blue and this person was the last thing on my mind.

I knew I had to end it there and then instead of dragging it out and try to settle things like an Adult. So I basically told her that being with her felt too much like high school (I knew her back then) because she doesn’t seem to have changed since then and would always speak bitterly about others that were there even though high school was over three years ago.

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I told her she needed some space and time to move on to which she got really defensive and soon the nice NI2M was gone and I became brutally honest with her. How bitter and selfish she was and how I felt like she was holding me back as I’ve been trying to recover with her lack of consideration and sometimes blatant disrespect for others. She pretty much just did the classic “I know what you are but what am I?” thing and I knew trying to make her see why so many people from school didn’t want to be her friend (because she’s pretty much a bully) was pointless so I shut her down by saying “haha whatever girl bye”

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So after some ranting to my friends who also knew her and already had confrontations with her I started feeling bad. My friends and even my mum had reassured me that I did and said the right things but I still felt guilty, I still felt like a bad person even though I knew I was right and that’s the most annoying thing about confrontations, the irrational guilt that feeling that everything is your fault even though it’s not. It’s been a day since it happened and I feel okay now. Looking back on it I was totally right because that argument felt very much like the ones we used to have at highschool and I want to move on from that stage of my life even if she doesn’t.

My lessons here are arguments are a part of life and its often best to speak your mind instead of bottling up your rage and if you really think someone isn’t good for you then it’s okay to end it with them you’ll probably find your life is better without them. If not you could end up taking on their behaviour and becoming someone you don’t want to be as people can have a great impact on us (especially if you have BPD)

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Thanks for reading,

NI2M ❤

 

DepressionDiaries: Nowhere To Turn…

Voices  in my head, Insomnia even worse than usual, Low confidence and getting upset over the smallest of things. Feeling the need to cry everyday and tossing and turning at night. My depression is taking its toll on me again.

I haven’t been around for ages because I didn’t really have anything to talk about, things were okay so I figured there wasn’t really any point in writing a “depression diaries” post considering I wasn’t very depressed, it was lying dormant for weeks but now its back with a vengeance.

I’ve tried talking about it with my friends but they often act as if I hadn’t said anything, they don’t want to talk about it even though mental illness is a big part of who I am and it just feels so lonely. I decided to delete my messaging apps so I would stop excessively checking my phone for the messages I haven’t received. It’s typical that the few people I ACTUALLY want to talk to don’t want to talk to me.

Did I do something wrong? Are they THAT scared of my mental health problems? maybe they’re going through a rough time themselves I know I can go quiet when I’m feeling bad. Maybe I should never have mentioned my depression coming back. It’s just hard that they’re not there for me at the moment and its making me feel worse about everything.

I’ve been worse though I mean I haven’t had a breakdown yet and there is this one friend who’s usually the comedian of the group but he’s taking my mental health very seriously which is good so I’m not completely alone, I guess.

There’s also my mum, dad and siblings who make me feel loved, I just got to try and manage those negative paranoid thoughts that say otherwise. There are also my books which are my escape and just talking about books makes me feel better. I’ve been reading more since my Nan’s death and it seems to be helping.

I think preparing for my cousin’s wedding also occupied my mind and stopped the depression from seeping in because it started soon after  the wedding was over. The wedding went much better than I had expected and it was actually super fun but of course now I’m sinking down into Depression Town. Guess I’ve just go to keep reading and sleep as much as I can even during the day and I should survive this…

NI2M ❤

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DepressionDiaries: Group Therapy Part 3 Relaxation/Safe place visualisation

This week in group therapy we worked on something called safe place visualisation which is where you imagine a place in your mind that makes you feel calm and safe. We were told to close our eyes and imagine a beach but not just what it looks like but also how it sounds and smells (basically we were doing guided meditation) now I have a very active imagination so my brain kind of wondered into the ocean where I could somehow breathe under water and swim with mermaids. Strange as it was it helped me relax but also have a bit of fun and really make the vision my own. We were told to practise this for roughly 20 minutes a day, with whatever place made us feel happy and relaxed, in the quiet until we could eventually just use the word associated with our safe place and go there on command.

Unfortunately getting any peace and quiet in my house is difficult and my brain would not cooperate as my visions went wild or I got bored. These days I can’t even get any peace in my sleep as I have weird dreams and nightmares, waking up at all hours even when I do take my medication but maybe writing about my ideal safe place will help?

My favourite place to go in real life is a library or bookshop where I am surrounded by books, whenever I enter a bookshop the busy high street and the problems of my life seem to melt away and I am comforted by the tranquility of the place so for me that’s where I like to go to feel better. By imagining being in such a place I am using something called Emotion Memory which means I’m using a memory to trigger a certain feeling (this I learned about in acting class) in this case I am using the memory of one of my favourite places to trigger a feeling of contentment.

I’ll need to put this into practise more but already just by talking/writing about I feel at least a little better than I did before I started writing. So, If you could go anywhere in your mind even a fictional place where would you go?

By the way this kind of environment should be neutral so try not to include anyone you know personally in your vision.

Much love,

NI2M ❤