So there’s this guy who’s really into me and we went on our first date a few days ago and it’s great and all to be loved by someone but he barely knows me, he doesn’t even know about my BPD!
Yet he says I’m this amazing angel person even though he’s only seen me when I’m at my best. Guess it’s true what they say… love is blind.
He had never seen me in BPD meltdown mode. He doesn’t know about how sometimes i’m too depressed or afraid to leave my house and hate talking on a phone call because of how awkward it makes me feel.
He kissed me on the first date as well (twice) I kissed back out of curiousity trying to push past my anxiety and failing and whenever he made contact with me like holding my waist and stuff like that I tensed up. So about half way through the date my defensive barriers went up and I just wanted to go home.
I didn’t want to be rude so I stayed longer. Although by this time I was barely making eye contact with him and went very quiet. I felt sick and tearful and to make things worse I hadn’t eaten so when I felt dizzy from the heat and lack of food. I explained that I had to go home and eat even though our date had only been about an hour long. He was very nice and understanding even when I told him I didn’t want to kiss.
I came home and felt better that I was back in my comfort zone consisting of my mum, my sister, my bed and my books. I felt ashamed though, I felt like a slut even though I barely did anything with him and felt terrified because I let someone I barely knew into my personal space and started to worry about what he wanted from me…
He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said no. This is not the right time for me to get into a relationship I haven’t even started therapy yet!
My BPD definetly flared up in this situation. I didn’t want to be touched or kissed yet I also kind of did and fear shot through me when I thought he was no longer interested in me even though I’m not really that into him. Kind of like the whole I hate you – don’t leave me thing that perfectly sums up BPD at least for me.
I don’t know where I’m going to go with this guy. We still talk online but I made it clear I want to take things slow; Very. Very. Slow.