ANNOUNCEMENT: My New Site!

The Book Fix series now has it’s own site considering that most of you are mainly here for the mental health posts rather than book reviews so as my love for books grows more I decided to separate the book stuff from the mental health stuff.

If you would also like to see book related stuff then please do give the Book Fix blog a follow all of the book fix posts have already been transferred to the new site. With youtube I will make a mix of book videos and mental health vlogs. The book related ones I will share on the book fix site, mental health related videos I will share on this one but all videos will be shared on my twitter @NI2Mtweets

I’m really pleased with this change as I see it as a good one, more organised and like I said I love books and they have been helping me so much lately, just talking about a good book seems to put me in a better mood.

Anyway apart from that this site will pretty much remain the same, DepressionDiaries will continue as always with occasional videos from now on 🙂

https://thebookfixblog.wordpress.com

Thanks for reading, 

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Group Therapy Part 2- Distraction Techniques + Wise Mind

This session we discussed distraction techniques so when we have distressing feelings we can briefly escape them and calm down, returning to the difficult situation thinking more objectively. Distraction is different from avoidance because avoidance involves never going back and confronting what has distressed you, distraction is where you allow yourself time to calm down before going back to the situation to solve it.

Distraction techniques are especially useful for handling self destructive behaviours. For example I have had anger management problems for years so I have a tendency to think and behave aggressively. Knowing that it is wrong to actually smash someone’s head against a counter because they’ve pissed me off I would often suppress those feelings and push away the thought of wanting to do that but the anger is still there and I feel a craving for violence therefore I self harm thus satisfying my anger without hurting anyone else. However this has had a detrimental affect on me in the long run. What may help me is distracting myself from aggressive thinking by instead  thinking of something calm and happy (easier said than done)

Another way besides positive distracting thoughts is action, something that I believe does work better for me. For example last night I was having particularly bad intrusive thoughts so what I did was spend about an hour reorganising my bookshelves (I have a lot of books) this helped by diverting my attention away from the thoughts on to deciding which book should go where on which shelf; I do this whenever I’m really stressed out making my bookshelves the only organised and neat part of my bedroom.

We also looked at something called “the wise mind” which is a mental state where you are able to balance the demands of the rational and emotional mind. A way of remembering  the wise mind distraction method is ACCEPTS.

A = Activities – Taking your mind off stress by doing an activity such as Arts & Crafts

C = Contributing – Doing something like helping a friend or volunteer work.

C = Comparisons- Comparing your life to someone who has it worse than you ( to be honest I don’t agree with this part, you shouldn’t  really compare the suffering of anyone it’s not a competition)

E = Emotions- triggering different emotions by listening to music or watching something scary or funny to change your mood.

P = Pushing away – leaving a situation physically or mentally until you are ready to return calmer.

T =Thoughts- concentrating your mind on counting or something you like

S= Sensations – Using the sense of touch to take your mind off the distress or “ground” you. E.g. holding an ice cube (commonly used by self harmers)

My Therapy home work is based around ACCEPTS so I’m going to try out each category during the week 🙂

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NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Group Therapy Part 1 – Waves and Radical Acceptance

Today was my first session of group therapy. Now obviously I can’t say too much about what was said and done but I believe I can give an outline of the session and what I learned from it.

I arrived late because I overslept (great start) but I hadn’t missed much. It was mainly an introduction session. Getting to know one another, what the group was about and stuff like that. 

The thing I wanted to talk about is Radical acceptance. For some reason to me the “radical”word put me on edge but what Radical acceptance means is acknowledging the situation that has caused distress, not judging or criticizing it.

This is because trying to fight or control distressing feelings actually makes things worse for yourself so learning to accept your emotions or past experiences as what they are and riding with them like waves.

The way I see it is building a sandcastle with a wall and everything to protect it from the sea but no matter how thick the sand wall is the intense waves will still damage your sandcastle. So putting up barriers or trying to push the sea (your thoughts/emotions) away is pointless because it will still affect you. 

So accepting and working with the emotions actually makes them (and the sea) calmer causing less damage. Hope that makes sense.

After the session I was already tested on what I’d learned today. My autistic sister started yelling and throwing her toys. An occurence that happens less often these days as both her and I are older but when it does happen it is paricularly stressful. I felt like crying or even hitting her then I wanted to hurt myself for wanting to hurt her it was so bad.

I did stop and think though… I’ve done things like this before when having a meltdown or panic attack. She’s not acting up to purposely ruin things she’s stressed out because she doesn’t understand, if I were to snap or yell back at her it would only distress her more like with me when I have a public meltdown. Didn’t stop my own feelings of distress though; after a while my mum took her out of the restaurant to the shops and while they were away I tried to distract myself by looking through my notes from the session and beginning my draft of this post.

When they came back a while later my sister had calmed down and we could finally order and eat our food, after eating I did feel much better. For some reason my bad moods get worse if I’m hungry.

So if I had responded to my sister’s distress with my own it would have made things worse and would have taken myself and my sister longer to calm down, distressing our mum more in the process (she started crying a bit while my sister shouted her disdain)

So what I learned today is to not judge others or myself harshly on how they deal with difficult situations and emotions because it’s natural and denying it, supressing how you feel can make things much worse in the long run.

NI2M ❤
 

DepressionDiaries: I’m too Borderline For this…

So there’s this guy who’s really into me and we went on our first date a few days ago and it’s great and all to be loved by someone but he barely knows me, he doesn’t even know about my BPD!

Yet he says I’m this amazing angel person even though he’s only seen me when I’m at my best. Guess it’s true what they say… love is blind.

He had never seen me in BPD meltdown mode. He doesn’t know about how sometimes i’m too depressed or afraid to leave my house and hate talking on a phone call because of how awkward it makes me feel.

He kissed me on the first date as well (twice) I kissed back out of curiousity trying to push past my anxiety and failing and whenever he made contact with me like holding my waist and stuff like that I tensed up. So about half way through the date my defensive barriers went up and I just wanted to go home.

I didn’t want to be rude so I stayed longer. Although by this time I was barely making eye contact with him and went very quiet. I felt sick and tearful and to make things worse I hadn’t eaten so when I felt dizzy from the heat and lack of food. I explained that I had to go home and eat even though our date had only been about an hour long. He was very nice and understanding even when I told him I didn’t want to kiss.

I came home and felt better that I was back in my comfort zone consisting of my mum, my sister, my bed and my books. I felt ashamed though, I felt like a slut even though I barely did anything with him and felt terrified because I let someone I barely knew into my personal space and started to worry about what he wanted from me…

He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said no. This is not the right time for me to get into a relationship I haven’t even started therapy yet!

My BPD definetly flared up in this situation. I didn’t want to be touched or kissed yet I also kind of did and fear shot through me when I thought he was no longer interested in me even though I’m not really that into him. Kind of like the whole I hate you – don’t leave me thing that perfectly sums up BPD at least for me.

I don’t know where I’m going to go with this guy. We still talk online but I made it clear I want to take things slow; Very. Very. Slow.

NI2M ❤