I Try My Hand At Being A BookTuber 

This video I didn’t feel like talking seriously and have got back into reading with a vengeance so thought I would make a video about the books I plan to read over the summer. Let me know if you want me to do a video review of these books 🙂

Thanks for reading/watching

NI2M ❤

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DepressionDiaries: My Brother, Mental Illness and Me

Recently I was on holiday in France with my half brother, his mum and our dad. It was a good holiday and allowed me a break from everything in life but with a mental illness you can’t really have a break in your mind.

On the last day my moods were all over the place mainly because I was honestly dreading going back home. This lead to a breakdown which consisted of snapping at mydad then crying on the porch outside where we were staying. I felt so tempted to just run away, get lost and never have to return home but I had no money and who knows what sort of trouble I would get myself into.

Unfortunately for my 9 year old half brother he had witnessed it all and he was very worried about me. I told him to just leave me and that he wouldn’t understand. After a while a duck came to join me on the porch; I like animals, they’re less complicated than humans so I grabbed some bread and started feeding him/her, it seemed to calm me down.

Once my half brother (we’ll call him Dino because he likes dinosaurs) so once he saw that I had calmed down he came to sit with me on the porch, I gave him the rest of the bread to feed the duck with, he was clearly still worried so I thought I should explain as best as I could.

I said “I have an illness in my brain, it makes it difficult for me to relax and sometimes I get upset for small reasons. I have a lack of relaxing hormones such as serotonin and melatonin so I have to take medicine to help me keep calm”

He had seen me take my melatonin before and asked about it so I said it helps me sleep

“That tablet you saw me take is melatonin and it increases my melatonin levels to help me sleep better and if I don’t take them I can be very tired”

Dino asked me questions which I answered; I made it clear to him that it was not his fault that I was in a bad mood and that it wasn’t dangerous (at least not like our nan’s cancer was) as I’ve had it since I was 6 to which he said…

“Woah, so it’s like you were born with it!” he sounded amazed at that which I couldn’t help but laugh about. It wasn’t long before me and Dino were back to our usual sibling behaviour and he still treats me the same which is good.

I had wanted to explain mental illness to him before considering children as young as him are coming down with depression and anxiety these days so I want to make sure he has some sort of understanding of it.

Some people might disagree and think that he is too young but if one day he does come down with depression and/or anxiety at least he’ll know that he is not the only one and that I would understand without judgement. I left out the BPD aspect of my brain because that would be a lot harder to explain to anyone of any age.

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Self Sabotage

Whenever things seem to be going my way for once something inside of me… hates that.

We were going to a castle that was used in some scenes of my favourite show Merlin. Obviously I was super excited and I took loads of photos but something changed after a while.

I was grumpy and down and I don’t even know why. This often happens, on my birthdays or anyday when we’re doing something for me.

A part of me sees things that are wrong and gets fixated on it to bring down my mood. This is almost always down to a thought of the tiniest thing not going as hoped.

It’s like something inside me doesn’t want me to be happy, doesn’t think I deserve good things so ruins it by making me feel bad.

I basically sabotage myself. I get depressed when a day is bad but when a day is supposed to be good my brain finds something to be depressed about. So I can’t win either way pretty much.

I can never win with myself. Can you lose a battle with yourself though? It seems like I am.

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: When Things are Good so I get too ahead of Myself

Things have been good lately but that doesn’t necessarily mean good with me when I feel that things are great and I feel energised and productive. I make plans to rush back into work or college and produce a lot of my ideas. 

Things is there seems to be no moderation when I’m like this it’s like I’m manic (maybe I am) what I’ve learned from past experience with this kind of phase is that it can be a sign I’m heading for a breakdown.

This could be where I “glitch” and go back to old bad habits such as self harm and/or have a panic attack or end up taking a trip to A&E because of really bad intrusive thoughts/ suicidal ideation.

So for me is it better to be this happy if it results in a breakdown or am I better off staying apatheticically depressed where I don’t function productively?

Note: I drafted this post a few weeks ago but forgot about it. So I’m publishing it today. Things have been the usual way. Moods up and down,  difficulty sleeping and I had a panic attack recently but that’s about it.

NI2M ❤