So it is 2 am where I am right now but I’m very much awake (nothing new there) I’m super uncomfortable because my room is so warm yet the heating is not on so either its summer in England for once or i’m getting ill again ( personally I think the latter is more likely)
Anyway jokes aside in about 10 hours my nan’s funeral will begin honestly I’ve been oddly… okay considering the circumstances, no self harm of suicide attempts (which is new for me) though I feel slightly delirious and may go into hysteria if I don’t calm down soon.
I think that’s my brain’s way of “coping” with everything. I heard that people laugh at funerals sometimes… hope I don’t do that tomorrow (actually later on today)
I’m also going to be facing my 5 year fear of public speaking as I’ve got to read out a poem to the many people that will be there to say goodbye to my nan as she was a kind woman who was loved by many.
So not entirely sure if tomorrow I’ll laugh maniacally or have a nervous breakdown I hope neither. I’m reading the poem for my nan as I think she’d like me to be involved so I hope I can make her proud tomorrow.
I’m so anxious… maybe this will bring home the reality of the situation that my brain seems to be struggling to accept but what will happen then?