Things suck with me right now, granted I’ve not been as bad as I could be but still pretty bad. I’ve spent the past few days annoying myself by imagining myself doing better while in reality I’m just sitting on the sofa or lying in bed staring into space. I see myself going for a run in the rare sunshine, meditating, doing yoga and being at peace with myself and the world. In my imagination I’m active, peaceful and I am healthy but then come back to reality and it is the total opposite.
Honestly I hate myself, I mean what good am I doing? None. I don’t want to socialise with friends, Don’t want to make videos and I had to persuade myself to write this post. I am anything but the healthy person that does good that I want to be; in fact my hair is greasy because I haven’t washed it in days, I’m spending most of my time in my pyjamas and doing absolutely sod all.
Things aren’t going too well with my family either since my Nan’s death. My dad is being rather cruel to his sister (my aunt) and there is conflict about the funeral arrangements. The only people that seem to be able to sort it out is me and my female cousin because well my cousin is pretty tough talking when she needs to be and I don’t really speak up often in conflict so if I do speak people know to listen as it must be important.
Honestly I don’t think my Nan would want this, us fighting, I remember before she died she said something about wanting our family to be together and we are but also… not if that makes sense. Yeah its not a good time to be me right now… writing this was an effort and I don’t think I’ve written enough, I have some sort of block in my head right now that’s stopping me from expressing myself and it is actually hurting me. Back to bed for me I think.
Artwork by: Catherine Hennessey
Recommended Song for this post: Don’t Let me Get Me by P!NK