Trigger Warning: Self Harm and Strong Language
First of all I just want to apologise for my lack of interaction with other bloggers recently, its nothing personal this is just kind of a time where my brain is at its most sensitive so I have to be careful what I read in case of triggers.
Secondly, Thank you for 250 followers I would have done a special post for it but I didn’t and I’ll talk about why in a bit.
Thirdly, this post is to address my lack of activity on WordPress recently and in the near future.
You may recall that I said March was a tough month for me, on the 1st of the month this year I had to make an appointment to see a doctor about my intense anxiety. I managed to get my fluoxetine dose increased to 40mg which seems to have brought down my anxiety level but now my depression is dominant once again. I haven’t felt any inspiration or motivation to write my blog or fan-fiction after a phase of being super productive thanks to my anxiety.
Plus, guess what? I fucking relapsed! after months of being in control of myself I gave in and have started hurting myself again. I haven’t told anyone, I’ve kept it secret because I know my mum will be upset and I will once again lose her trust, professionals will just try and make me stop but I don’t think I’m ready. I had thoughts of self harm for ages (even before the medication increase before anyone says its to do with that) there was always a fight inside my head about it and in the end I gave in, I’m not going to lie it was a relief. I should probably talk to someone about this as I know this is unhealthy.
I’ve been detached from myself and reality recently, I heard that antidepressants can sort of do that so you’re not so in touch with your feelings… I feel numb and disconnected. I’m only half aware that I’m writing this I may not even remember writing this soon. The days have been passing by in a blur and I just feel like I’ve been going through the motions, not really taking anything in just letting my body do the work while my brain sits back passively. I’ve gone from having too much brain power to very little within two weeks.
Maybe I should not have increased my meds although perhaps I would be in a worse state if I hadn’t. I’m going away this Friday for three days to celebrate my birthday I hope I will be able to enjoy it as it is one of the few things I’ve been looking forward to this year.