DepressionDiaries: OUT OF ACTION

Trigger Warning: Self Harm and Strong Language

 

First of all I just want to apologise for my lack of interaction with other bloggers recently, its nothing personal this is just kind of a time where my brain is at its most sensitive so I have to be careful what I read in case of triggers.

Secondly, Thank you for 250 followers I would have done a special post for it but I didn’t and I’ll talk about why in a bit.

Thirdly, this post is to address my lack of activity on WordPress recently and in the near future.

You may recall that I said March was a tough month for me, on the 1st of the month this year I had to make an appointment to see a doctor about my intense anxiety. I managed to get my fluoxetine dose increased to 40mg which seems to have brought down my anxiety level but now my depression is dominant once again. I haven’t felt any inspiration or motivation to write my blog or fan-fiction after a phase of being super productive thanks to my anxiety.

Plus, guess what? I fucking relapsed! after months of being in control of myself I gave in and have started hurting myself again. I haven’t told anyone, I’ve kept it secret because I know my mum will be upset and I will once again lose her trust, professionals will just try and make me stop but I don’t think I’m ready. I had thoughts of self harm for ages (even before the medication increase before anyone says its to do with that) there was always a fight inside my head about it and in the end I gave in, I’m not going to lie it was a relief. I should probably talk to someone about this as I know this is unhealthy.

I’ve been detached from myself and reality recently, I heard that antidepressants can sort of do that so you’re not so in touch with your feelings… I feel numb and disconnected. I’m only half aware that I’m writing this I may not even remember writing this soon. The days have been passing by in a blur and I just feel like I’ve been going through the motions, not really taking anything in just letting my body do the work while my brain sits back passively. I’ve gone from having too much brain power to very little within two weeks.

Maybe I should not have increased my meds although perhaps I would be in a worse state if I hadn’t. I’m going away this Friday for three days to celebrate my birthday I hope I will be able to enjoy it as it is one of the few things I’ve been looking forward to this year.

NI2M ❀

 

 

 

 

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6 thoughts on “DepressionDiaries: OUT OF ACTION

  1. Rayne says:

    I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time. On the point of your medication perhaps making you feel disconnected… It might not be the meds. I’m the maximum dose of my antidepressant/anxiety meds, and it’s helping quite a bit. I don’t feel disconnected or numb from being on them. BUT I disassociate every now and then, which is obviously part of the BPD. It sounds like you’re experiencing that. Disassociation is common for those of us with BPD. It happens more often when we’re in a highly anxious state. Give the meds a few more weeks and see how you feel. We all go through phases in life, and I’m always quick to blame medication, but I’ve learned that most of the time my symptoms have absolutely nothing to do with my medication. Hope this helped a little. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Blooming Lily says:

    I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad. It sounds like it really is awful. I’m sending lots of warm thoughts to you. ❀️
    All of us ebb and flow with our interactions in the blogging world depending on the state we are in so don’t feel bad about that!
    Finally, the fog could be dissociation, meds, or a combo. I know that I have experienced both – fog from gabapentin (it was so bad!) for example, and everyone’s body is different. So it wouldn’t hurt to talk to your doctor; figuring out meds is so hard and takes time but I’m hopeful that they can help you.

    Liked by 1 person

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