DepressionDiaries: The Child, The Killer and The Intruders (A Nightmare and Analysis)

I entered a dark room. There was a mirror, a two way mirror. When I pointed out that I might be being observed by someone. The mirror fogged up and the room went cold. I tried the door, it was locked and I screamed for help as my observer wiped away the fog on the mirror I didn’t know him but I knew he was supposed to be dead as this room was part of a museum about him.

I managed to get out and next thing I knew I was in a house, an old friend’s house, she wasn’t there but I was with a group of people and I was younger, I had the bedroom a five year old would use.

We were scared because something evil was in the house and it was after us. I screamed and cried out for my mum and dad but neither came to help us.

There were two men downstairs that weren’t supposed to be there, one of them had a knife. One of the girls in the group grabbed a gun and shot them dead. We had to help her hide the evidence and bury the bodies but their spirits still roamed the house. I went back to bed terrified because I knew this wasn’t over.

I was with some of the girls in a room, they were getting ready to perform a seance and asked if I wanted to join them. I remembered learning about how seances can make you vulnerable to evil spirits (which I knew by now the house had) but I was interested so I said I would just watch. As they started a small glass box on one of the shelves seemed to shift forward until it fell on its own.

As I returned to my room I remembered the advice of one of the older boys in the group. Pray, use protective stones and don’t be afraid of the ghosts because they will use that to their advantage.

I was terrified, I was 5 or 6 and seemed to have been dumped in this squat with other children and evil spirits; I’d witnessed death and was what the police would consider an accomplice to murder, no parents just these strangers who also had no parents to protect me from the evil of the dead and the living.

And yet as I lay in my bed and prayed and repeated to myself “I am not afraid” until I believed it, a sense of calm washed over me. I accepted my current position in life and made peace with it…

I was no longer afraid.

 

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This nightmare seemed important and very significant so I decided to use a website called dream moods to help me decipher what this nightmare means.

Evil: To dream that someone or something is evil (in my case the ghosts/spirits) symbolizes a repressed or forbidden aspect of yourself. This part may want to be acknowledged. Alternatively it could be a symbol of your strong negative emotions e.g. hate or anger.

As someone with Borderline Personality Disorder the latter seems more likely and I think the negative emotion that the evil spirits induced was fear. This would make sense as I’ve been having troubles with anxiety lately.

Spirits: To see or talk to spirits in your dream signifies your fears about death.

My Nan is very ill and we all know her time will come soon. The dream could be a manifestation of my fear of when that time will come.

Seance: To see or take part in a seance represents you intuition and awareness. Alternatively the dream is a way for you to cope with the issues of death.

Tying in with the spirits and my intense fear, I think the latter is more probable as it was near the end of the dream where I had been dealing with spirits and my fear of them. Just after the seance I managed to come to terms with the presence of the spirits (death) and learned not to be afraid of them/it.

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Children: To see children in your dream can signify an aspect of yourself and your childlike qualities. You may be retreating to a childlike state and longing for the past. You are trying to still satisfy repressed desires and unfulfilled hopes.

This could be very likely as there were things in my childhood that I would want to change but can’t and I wish I’d enjoyed it a bit more, followed my dreams and been less afraid all the time.

MuseumTo see a museum in your dream indicates that your non-traditional path to success will make you stand out from the rest. Sometimes you need to take a risk. Alternatively, the museum represents your own personal history. You can learn a lot from your past and your heritage. Consider what you have gained from these experiences and apply them to your current circumstances.

At the beginning my dream is set in a museum with exhibitions and stuff and there was a section about a man that died, wasn’t sure what his significance was but his ghost took an interest in me, observing, trapping and nearly killing me. I remember my dad being with me for a while and then he just… wasn’t. My dad leaving was a significant part of my past as it was most likely what triggered my BPD. So the museum was probably my personal history and even though I don’t believe I knew the ghost that tried to kill me, he could symbolize something from my past that causes me distress which could have been any number of things (I’ve got years worth of anxiety and depression to examine to get a possible answer)

Child: To dream that you are a small child again  suggests that you are feeling the burdens of adulthood. You are trying to escape daily responsibility and are looking for someone to protect you.

Yes just yes.

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Killer: To see a killer in your dream suggests that an emotional aspect of yourself has been cut off. Alternatively, this dream could represent purification and the healing process.

In my dream the killer (the young girl who was not much older than my dream self) killed to protect me from the intruders. We’ll get to the significance of that soon.

Murder: To dream that you are a witness to murder indicates deep seated anger towards somebody. Consider how the victim represents an aspect of yourself that you want to destroy or eliminate.

The killer’s victim was the intruders so they are a very valid part of the dream.

Intruder: To see an intruder in your dream represents your feelings of guilt. Consider what unfamiliar thoughts and feelings may be entering your mind.

I’ve been having problems with intrusive thoughts lately making me feel ashamed and guilty. could that be what the intruders are? My intrusive thoughts and my feeling of guilt about them? like I said before the intruders were the victim to the killer who was protecting me. Was the killer a part of me who was protecting my inner child by eliminating my intrusive thoughts and guilt? Was she the older part of me that was angry because she’d had enough of them tormenting me?

Accomplice: To dream that you are an accomplice to a crime indicates that someone in your waking life is having a negative effect on you. You may be experiencing guilt with something you’ve done.

Like I said before I have strong feeling of guilt about my intrusive thoughts but I’ve never acted on them so I don’t know if the guilt is significant in this case. In the dream I am a child who is an accomplice to the killer who could be my older self, the killer who killed in anger to protect me. I would sometimes use anger to protect myself from fear and pain, I used to do it a lot in school but didn’t think I was doing it recently but maybe subconsciously I am and by working with that anger its having a negative influence on my life.

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Abandonment: According to Dream moods dreaming that you have been abandoned can mean several things but I think the most significant meaning for me is the more literal one which is that its most likely a fear of being abandoned, deserted or even betrayed.

Again this is to do with my BPD and how it makes me fear losing attachments and being alone. In my dream my parents are not around, there was no explanation as to what happened to them and i just found myself alone with other children no older than 16. In fact there were no adults at all to protect us.

Given that I’m a child and there a lot of children with me in the dream and the fact that they could have something to do with my past could indicate that fear that has stemmed from my childhood and trying to get back what I lost of myself. By relying on the protection of the older children could be my inner child looking to the older parts of me for protection and guidance.

To summarise this dream seems to be about coming  to terms with loss in more ways than one,learning to be self sufficient with my needs and conquering my fears but also I need to address some of my past issues in order to move on and look into the possible causes of my deep seated anger to resolve them and make peace with my demons…

NI2M 😱

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