DepressionDiaries: Reckless Behaviour

 

I’m conflicted about this; a part of myself is proud  for getting away with it another part is worried about what I’m becoming. I stole a pen from a shop, it was quite easy as someone had already done half the job for me (removing the pen from its packaging) which meant I could get out without setting off alarms because the pen had no bar code.

Earlier I had been having a terrible day to the point that I had a breakdown. My mum went into the shop and left me waiting in the car with anger and depression boiling up inside me. I started having fantasies about doing reckless things and how thrilling it would be to break the rules. After a while I gave in to temptation and walked into the shop with my goal to steal something in mind. Conflict inside my head; The angry rebellious teen egging me on and the fearful child worrying reminding me of the possible consequences.

I hovered round the toy/stationary section and I saw a journal, the bar code was only attached by a sleeve that I could easily remove. perhaps too easy I thought to myself I think this massive journal is a bit too ambitious so I put the journal back, it was then that I spotted the neglected brand new pen that had been removed from its packaging and it seemed that someone else already took the other two that was supposed to be in a pack with it.

I picked up the pen, hid it up my coat sleeve and headed for the exit; I’d never felt so scared or excited in my life as I past the security guards and the sensors and made it outside and got back in the car to continue waiting for my mum. Honestly I got a kick out of it and I felt alive straying away from my usual good citizen path but it wasn’t long before the guilt kicked in.

The police are probably going to come to your house

 It’s just a pen  

It starts with a pen the next thing you know it will be a TV  

Other people would rob my charity store at least I’m not as low as they are

 But you’re just as bad as them return the pen 

It’s not fair I should be able to get away with it, everyone else does

Not everyone give them the pen back and apologise

No I’m not doing all that for nothing

It wasn’t even that hard give the damn pen back

No I want to keep it as a trophy

You may see it as a trophy now but when your mood changes it will serve as reminder of your sins and you’ll be riddled with guilt every time you look at it and even if you get rid of it, you’ll have nightmares about that pen.

… That’s a bit of a stretch

It’s the truth besides your mum would be disappointed 

Um… What she don’t know won’t hurt her

She’ll find out, you know she will either through the police or through you because you’ll be overcome by guilt and imagine how that would make her feel. Did she raise a delinquent?

…. No

Then return the pen.

Ugh… Fine!

It was then I grabbed the pen and walked back into the shop I didn’t return it directly as I was afraid they would report me and I would be arrested in front of my mum and bring her shame. So I put it back where I found it and then I remembered something I’d seen on TV where a character made the others believe she lost the key when she had it in her pocket the whole time but when she was ready to go she simply dropped the keys when no one was looking and pretended she’d just found them and picked them up to show everyone.

That’s what I did with the pen, I pretended to be browsing and put the pen back where I found it but then picked it back up with it’s empty packaging and gave it to one of the shop assistants who had been walking by, pretending I’d only just found it, she said “thank you” and I felt a sense of relief wash over me. I’d done it, I got away with it but then I did the right thing and returned it. It took all of my willpower not to bolt out the exit though.

I think my problems are getting worse I read that stuff like this is to do with BPD. I’ve asked for therapy weeks possibly even months ago but nothing and clearly medication is not the be all and end all to my issues. I should probably take my dad’s offer to pay and go private…

 

UPDATE: I wrote this a few days ago on the day that I did it. I didn’t publish it because I feared what people would think of me but I decided that I would give the whole grizzly picture of my mental state as that’s kind of the point of this blog. I’m not bad but I am ill and the illness is getting worse. I’ve got an appointment to see a psychiatrist  in a couple of weeks. I’ll tell her about what’s been happening and see what she says.

NI2M ❤

 

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DepressionDiaries: Guinness and Ghosts

I’m back from my weekend away. It was a tiring weekend emotionally. You may remember my paranormal experience in the tower of London, well, last weekend at Jamaica inn (one of the most haunted places in Cornwall) it happened again this time it was more intense.

Friday night into Saturday morning I went ghost hunting around the inn with professional investigators, sceptics, believers and people who seem sensitive to the paranormal like me. I won’t go into detail in case you want to go and experience the inn for yourself which I really recommend but I’ll tell you what happened to me just not who the ghosts are.

We started off the evening with a three course meal and had to sit with our designated groups as there were a lot of us so we got split into groups of three. As it was St Patrick’s day (also my 19th birthday) The inn had a special Guinness alcohol event going on, unfortunately we were only allowed one alcoholic beverage with our meal for the ghost hunt, I didn’t have anything to drink as I wanted to be as sharp minded as possible, my dad had a drink though.

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Our first stop was the haunted rooms. The rooms were small so again we split off into smaller groups into each of the rooms. The first room my dad and I went into I instantly felt a change in the atmosphere, it was weird it was tranquil but also heavy at the same time. We called out the ghosts for a bit and nothing happened but then I sat on the window sill and suddenly I got static vision like a television screen but in my eyes. I then saw a white mist that looked like the side of a head and shoulder, I spoke to it and then reached out to touch it and got a tingling sensation in the hand I used to reach out. My dad thought I was mad but then I spoke to one of the investigators about it and she told me they call the static vision ‘Christmas lights’ and that it’s believed to be the first stage of a spirit manifestation.

In the second room I entered, I sat down on the bed and after a while I felt this pressure on my back like someone was leaning on me but there was no one on the bed with me at least not someone I could see. I did however feel a strong presence on that bed and soon my head got heavy and felt woozy, the investigator and my dad were asking me if I was okay but I didn’t respond because the pull of this presence was so strong and I didn’t want to lose my connection with it. Eventually I did separate from the entity and left the room because it was so intense.

In the ladies’ toilet we all stood in the dark calling out to the spirit who had been heard crying and would turn on taps. I had a bad feeling about being there like I felt sick and I told the investigator I felt queasy and she asked if I wanted to leave the room but, me being the dumbass that I am,  I said no and stayed. We were there for a while asking questions and for the ghost to do something for us and well we got what we came for as suddenly we heard one of the cubicle doors SLAM shut; both me and another girl were close to where the sound came from and we ran away so fast, I don’t think I ever ran so fast in my life!

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We went to the area where the stables used to be, we performed a seance and tried to get the ghosts to move a table. For a long time nothing happened but then a lot of the group left to do something else including my dad but I decided to stay with three other girls and try the table again and OH MY DAYS we started asking questions and the table started moving in response! One of the girls was very sensitive to the spirit so much so that she started crying like she could feel the ghost’s pain. I could feel a bit of the spirit’s sadness but I was trying to block off a connection as I was so tired and what I’d already been experiencing was intense enough.

Things started to quieten down because some people were heading off to bed, my dad joining them. I however, didn’t want the hunt to end so I went with one of the investigators to the gift shop and sat down near the books as the spirit there liked to throw the books off the shelves. Now that didn’t happen and actually this experience was a lot calmer than the others. We spoke to the spirit and asked him/her to move something or play with the dream-catchers for us. Soon that’s what happened, two of the dream-catchers hanging from the ceiling started doing 180 degree turns where as the others were barely moving. I bought myself one of the moving dream-catchers on my last day.

Last thing is we went to the bar and the investigators placed MF detectors (I think that’s what they’re called) in front of the fireplace and asked the ghost who had been throwing glasses to make him/herself known. In response to us, the MF detector went mental, even the investigators were confused as they didn’t think it was supposed to make the sound that it did, they didn’t think it was possible for it to bleep so fast and at such a high frequency and when the spirit was asked to step away from the tech the sound stopped…

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There were other things such as the Ouija board but I really don’t trust those and didn’t use it so I don’t know if the glass was really moving by itself, I did feel something though but I’m not sure. There was also fireplace equipment swaying slightly and I don’t think it was the breeze as those things were heavy still not sure though. Also half way through a film about the inn my dad and I were watching the lights cut out and only the projector was working, again not saying its paranormal because there could have been a switch outside the room controlled by staff or the lights could have been on a timer.

It was a really good weekend and I feel honoured to have experienced what I did during the ghost hunt. I plan on going back there sometime as I absolutely loved it. I felt more interested in reality and like I belonged there and was doing something that I was meant to be doing and enjoyed. Now however its back to the dullness of my everyday life 😦

NI2M ❤

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DepressionDiaries: OUT OF ACTION

Trigger Warning: Self Harm and Strong Language

 

First of all I just want to apologise for my lack of interaction with other bloggers recently, its nothing personal this is just kind of a time where my brain is at its most sensitive so I have to be careful what I read in case of triggers.

Secondly, Thank you for 250 followers I would have done a special post for it but I didn’t and I’ll talk about why in a bit.

Thirdly, this post is to address my lack of activity on WordPress recently and in the near future.

You may recall that I said March was a tough month for me, on the 1st of the month this year I had to make an appointment to see a doctor about my intense anxiety. I managed to get my fluoxetine dose increased to 40mg which seems to have brought down my anxiety level but now my depression is dominant once again. I haven’t felt any inspiration or motivation to write my blog or fan-fiction after a phase of being super productive thanks to my anxiety.

Plus, guess what? I fucking relapsed! after months of being in control of myself I gave in and have started hurting myself again. I haven’t told anyone, I’ve kept it secret because I know my mum will be upset and I will once again lose her trust, professionals will just try and make me stop but I don’t think I’m ready. I had thoughts of self harm for ages (even before the medication increase before anyone says its to do with that) there was always a fight inside my head about it and in the end I gave in, I’m not going to lie it was a relief. I should probably talk to someone about this as I know this is unhealthy.

I’ve been detached from myself and reality recently, I heard that antidepressants can sort of do that so you’re not so in touch with your feelings… I feel numb and disconnected. I’m only half aware that I’m writing this I may not even remember writing this soon. The days have been passing by in a blur and I just feel like I’ve been going through the motions, not really taking anything in just letting my body do the work while my brain sits back passively. I’ve gone from having too much brain power to very little within two weeks.

Maybe I should not have increased my meds although perhaps I would be in a worse state if I hadn’t. I’m going away this Friday for three days to celebrate my birthday I hope I will be able to enjoy it as it is one of the few things I’ve been looking forward to this year.

NI2M ❤

 

 

 

 

DepressionDiaries: Home Sickness

Home sickness… this has been a problem for me for as long as I can remember. Specifically if I was separated from my mum; I remember sleeping over at my dad’s house when I was 10 years old because we were going to go to the hospital to meet my new baby half brother together but I was so anxious about being away from my mum that my dad had to take me back to her at midnight.

Actually every holiday I went on with my dad I would have to battle my intense anxiety about being away from home, it wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I got used to being away from home with my dad but that took years of annual holidays with him to achieve. I remember when I was 16 I went away for this thing called NCS (National Citizen Service) and I had to spend 2 weeks away from home, I didn’t make it through the second week.

homesick

A year later  I went on a three day summer school experience where I had to spend two nights at a university to get a taste of what uni life was like. I did make it through those two nights but on the first night my anxiety was awful, I was crying and everything, luckily I’d made a friend who let me stay in her room to talk for a while. The second night I was so exhausted (we went clubbing but with adult supervision and no alcohol, I did a lot of dancing though) that I didn’t have the energy to be anxious besides I was going home the next day.

khfvzus

More recently I was in hospital, both times, I’d cried and panicked and practically begged to go home. I did get through both weeks though (probably the medication they gave me to knock me out helped)

6-8__

 

 

 

Sleepovers with friends were difficult to, I could stay the whole night but I would get very little or even no sleep at all  whereas my friends would be able to sleep soundly and I didn’t want to offend them by making them feel like bad hosts or have them think I was a baby for wanting my mum so I would just… wait in the dark silence for the sun to rise and everyone to wake up instead of telling them I wanted to go home.

 

 

I would wonder why I am this way, I’m 18 (nearly 19) I should be glad to be away from home but that’s how “normal” people my age function. Not me, I have depression and BPD with anxiety  so I can’t be like them. Speaking of my BPD, I have a theory that it is linked to the home sickness I get so badly. You see, BPD occurs when your relationship with your primary attachment is disrupted at an early age (in my case, that would be my dad leaving the family home for his girlfriend when I was 6) but according to psychological studies you develop more than one attachment in case of such disruption; you can have another primary attachment figure (in my case that would be my mum) you can also have secondary attachments (e.g. grandparents, aunts & uncles, guardians/carers)

Since my mum is my other primary attachment figure it makes sense that I would fear losing her (which is the core reasoning of BPD, the fear of losing someone you’re attached to the same way you lost your first primary attachment) when I’m away from my mum I fear that something will befall her or, for whatever reason, I would not be able to return home to her, therefore losing the only other primary attachment figure I have and my dad doesn’t ease that fear because I am not as attached to him as I was before I was 6. He’s been demoted to a secondary attachment figure. So to summarise, My home sickness is my BPD being triggered as a result of being separated from my primary attachment figure.

My dad will be taking me on a weekend away for my 19th birthday soon (we’re going ghost hunting XD ) fingers crossed my separation anxiety doesn’t get the best of me otherwise I’m going to end up like this…

Having-Move-Back-Your-Parents-House

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: I Can’t… I Just Can’t

I feel like absolute crap (for want of a better word)

My anxiety has made my sleeping pattern worse, not even melatonin seems to be helping now. For example, today I woke up at 5 am and didn’t get back to sleep until 7:30 am.

Plus my stomach feels awful like how it was the week after my appendix operation, painful to the point that I feel nauseous. Like there is a gremlin in my stomach that’s punching my gut. I don’t know what set it off.

I skipped my art group today as soon as I fully woke up I knew I wouldn’t be up to it. My body feels heavy and so do my eyes but my brain has no desire to sleep. I just feel so physically exausted. I did some aerobics yesterday, maybe it was that, am I really THAT unfit?

I tried to do some stuff but my body was  like “Nope” and I proceeded to lie in bed watching YouTube videos just like old times! 

Ugh I hate this. My brain is all pumped up to do stuff but my body isn’t. Oh well I’ve been going out a lot this past week or so perhaps I should be resting up.

NI2M 😴

DepressionDiaries: The Child, The Killer and The Intruders (A Nightmare and Analysis)

I entered a dark room. There was a mirror, a two way mirror. When I pointed out that I might be being observed by someone. The mirror fogged up and the room went cold. I tried the door, it was locked and I screamed for help as my observer wiped away the fog on the mirror I didn’t know him but I knew he was supposed to be dead as this room was part of a museum about him.

I managed to get out and next thing I knew I was in a house, an old friend’s house, she wasn’t there but I was with a group of people and I was younger, I had the bedroom a five year old would use.

We were scared because something evil was in the house and it was after us. I screamed and cried out for my mum and dad but neither came to help us.

There were two men downstairs that weren’t supposed to be there, one of them had a knife. One of the girls in the group grabbed a gun and shot them dead. We had to help her hide the evidence and bury the bodies but their spirits still roamed the house. I went back to bed terrified because I knew this wasn’t over.

I was with some of the girls in a room, they were getting ready to perform a seance and asked if I wanted to join them. I remembered learning about how seances can make you vulnerable to evil spirits (which I knew by now the house had) but I was interested so I said I would just watch. As they started a small glass box on one of the shelves seemed to shift forward until it fell on its own.

As I returned to my room I remembered the advice of one of the older boys in the group. Pray, use protective stones and don’t be afraid of the ghosts because they will use that to their advantage.

I was terrified, I was 5 or 6 and seemed to have been dumped in this squat with other children and evil spirits; I’d witnessed death and was what the police would consider an accomplice to murder, no parents just these strangers who also had no parents to protect me from the evil of the dead and the living.

And yet as I lay in my bed and prayed and repeated to myself “I am not afraid” until I believed it, a sense of calm washed over me. I accepted my current position in life and made peace with it…

I was no longer afraid.

 

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This nightmare seemed important and very significant so I decided to use a website called dream moods to help me decipher what this nightmare means.

Evil: To dream that someone or something is evil (in my case the ghosts/spirits) symbolizes a repressed or forbidden aspect of yourself. This part may want to be acknowledged. Alternatively it could be a symbol of your strong negative emotions e.g. hate or anger.

As someone with Borderline Personality Disorder the latter seems more likely and I think the negative emotion that the evil spirits induced was fear. This would make sense as I’ve been having troubles with anxiety lately.

Spirits: To see or talk to spirits in your dream signifies your fears about death.

My Nan is very ill and we all know her time will come soon. The dream could be a manifestation of my fear of when that time will come.

Seance: To see or take part in a seance represents you intuition and awareness. Alternatively the dream is a way for you to cope with the issues of death.

Tying in with the spirits and my intense fear, I think the latter is more probable as it was near the end of the dream where I had been dealing with spirits and my fear of them. Just after the seance I managed to come to terms with the presence of the spirits (death) and learned not to be afraid of them/it.

anne-stokes-wallpaper-1

 

Children: To see children in your dream can signify an aspect of yourself and your childlike qualities. You may be retreating to a childlike state and longing for the past. You are trying to still satisfy repressed desires and unfulfilled hopes.

This could be very likely as there were things in my childhood that I would want to change but can’t and I wish I’d enjoyed it a bit more, followed my dreams and been less afraid all the time.

MuseumTo see a museum in your dream indicates that your non-traditional path to success will make you stand out from the rest. Sometimes you need to take a risk. Alternatively, the museum represents your own personal history. You can learn a lot from your past and your heritage. Consider what you have gained from these experiences and apply them to your current circumstances.

At the beginning my dream is set in a museum with exhibitions and stuff and there was a section about a man that died, wasn’t sure what his significance was but his ghost took an interest in me, observing, trapping and nearly killing me. I remember my dad being with me for a while and then he just… wasn’t. My dad leaving was a significant part of my past as it was most likely what triggered my BPD. So the museum was probably my personal history and even though I don’t believe I knew the ghost that tried to kill me, he could symbolize something from my past that causes me distress which could have been any number of things (I’ve got years worth of anxiety and depression to examine to get a possible answer)

Child: To dream that you are a small child again  suggests that you are feeling the burdens of adulthood. You are trying to escape daily responsibility and are looking for someone to protect you.

Yes just yes.

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Killer: To see a killer in your dream suggests that an emotional aspect of yourself has been cut off. Alternatively, this dream could represent purification and the healing process.

In my dream the killer (the young girl who was not much older than my dream self) killed to protect me from the intruders. We’ll get to the significance of that soon.

Murder: To dream that you are a witness to murder indicates deep seated anger towards somebody. Consider how the victim represents an aspect of yourself that you want to destroy or eliminate.

The killer’s victim was the intruders so they are a very valid part of the dream.

Intruder: To see an intruder in your dream represents your feelings of guilt. Consider what unfamiliar thoughts and feelings may be entering your mind.

I’ve been having problems with intrusive thoughts lately making me feel ashamed and guilty. could that be what the intruders are? My intrusive thoughts and my feeling of guilt about them? like I said before the intruders were the victim to the killer who was protecting me. Was the killer a part of me who was protecting my inner child by eliminating my intrusive thoughts and guilt? Was she the older part of me that was angry because she’d had enough of them tormenting me?

Accomplice: To dream that you are an accomplice to a crime indicates that someone in your waking life is having a negative effect on you. You may be experiencing guilt with something you’ve done.

Like I said before I have strong feeling of guilt about my intrusive thoughts but I’ve never acted on them so I don’t know if the guilt is significant in this case. In the dream I am a child who is an accomplice to the killer who could be my older self, the killer who killed in anger to protect me. I would sometimes use anger to protect myself from fear and pain, I used to do it a lot in school but didn’t think I was doing it recently but maybe subconsciously I am and by working with that anger its having a negative influence on my life.

anne-stokes-ke-sta-en-enslaved-angel-valkyra-cz-324533

 

Abandonment: According to Dream moods dreaming that you have been abandoned can mean several things but I think the most significant meaning for me is the more literal one which is that its most likely a fear of being abandoned, deserted or even betrayed.

Again this is to do with my BPD and how it makes me fear losing attachments and being alone. In my dream my parents are not around, there was no explanation as to what happened to them and i just found myself alone with other children no older than 16. In fact there were no adults at all to protect us.

Given that I’m a child and there a lot of children with me in the dream and the fact that they could have something to do with my past could indicate that fear that has stemmed from my childhood and trying to get back what I lost of myself. By relying on the protection of the older children could be my inner child looking to the older parts of me for protection and guidance.

To summarise this dream seems to be about coming  to terms with loss in more ways than one,learning to be self sufficient with my needs and conquering my fears but also I need to address some of my past issues in order to move on and look into the possible causes of my deep seated anger to resolve them and make peace with my demons…

NI2M 😱

DepressionDiaries: One Year Blogiversary

It’s March 2nd, its been exactly one year since I started Depression Diaries. Back in the days when my blog was just a baby and I had no idea what it would grow to be. I’d actually created my blog in January but we won’t talk about the posts I used to write because they don’t really reflect myself, back then I was trying to be like other bloggers, a blogger I thought I wanted to be.

Depression Diaries started because I had been inspired by bloggers I’d come across who had been brave enough to share their inner most thoughts and feelings, giving insight into life with a mental illness. I was back on sick leave from college and on the verge of giving it up as well as life in general. Depression was pretty much ruling my life and I just thought you know what? if this is a thing I might as well put it to good use. 

The series was created to help me vent and find some solace but also to help others find comfort or gain knowledge. I re- read some of my old posts and realised how far I’ve come in the past year. I am so much more confident online and offline; I feel I can talk about mental illness with confidence and not hide the true nature of it.

When I first started writing the series I was still stuck in that mind set that I had to be cheery and use humour to tone down and filter the raw truth for the sake of not wanting to inconvenience others with my troubles even though I was really suffering. I would use funny pictures and try to feign an optimistic view that was just false. Don’t get me wrong my blogs have always been honest but back in those days I had a filter in my writing that didn’t give the whole picture of me and my life with mental illness.

After a few months of networking with other mental health bloggers I’d grown in confidence enough to remove that filter, I think by then I’d lost practically everything anyway so I didn’t have anything to lose by being completely honest and I found that removing the rose tinted filter from my writing was the best thing I could have done because my blog grew which meant my support network grew as well, Many people have appreciated my honesty and I feel for once I can be truly proud of myself for being so brave and making a difference to people’s lives whether they are mentally ill or know someone who is.

I can still have fun with my posts nowadays but only if I feel I can instead of forcing it like I used to. I’ve surprised myself sometimes by my sense of humour and how I can wield it even in my darkest time.

It’s been a rollercoaster of a journey but I’m glad I’ve had you with me for the ride. This community we’ve got means so much to me, the support and kindness we give eachother and honesty that’s hard to come across offline has given me a place to belong and not feel judged which is something we all need especially if we have a mental illness or few because offline we can be so outcasted and stigmatized by people who know nothing of what it’s like to be mentally ill.

On that note, may our blogs live long and prosper.

NI2M 🎡

DepressionDiaries: Triggers, So Many Triggers

You could consider this post a continuation to yesterday’s one “intrusive thoughts

Today I went to see the doctor to talk about my anxiety. I figured out that must be the problem and what’s causing my intrusive thoughts because I remember the symptoms I experience with severe anxiety and intrusive thoughts are one of them.

While I was talking I managed to identify the things that might have set off my anxiety.

  1. For at least a month I was housebound because of my appendicitis so going out may have caused me anxiety considering I got comfortable at home.
  2. It’s March, a bad month for me ( I suggest you read The Curse Of March to get a better understanding of why this is such a difficult month for me) I think the fact that march was coming up got pushed to the back of my mind but sub- consciously the dread built up leading to my anxiety.
  3. About a week ago I had a rather deep conversation which re-surfaced some bad memories. Which could have set off the anxiety inducing intrusive thoughts.
  4. A close family friend has received some bad news and I’m worried about the effect it will have on her family and mine.
  5. The health of my Nan. She’s been very ill lately and the doctors are trying to prolong and maintain quality of life for her but she doesn’t think she’ll live to see my female cousin’s wedding later this year.

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So fair to say, thinking about it, I have every reason to feel so anxious and usually either my depression or my anxiety is dominant. Lately my depression has been ruling so my anxiety and intrusive thoughts weren’t such a big problem because I had too little energy to worry or care. Not saying my depression has gone but has been pushed aside by my anxiety. It will probably arise again when my anxiety has settled.

Anyway, for now my fluoxetine dose has been increased to 40mg to help manage my intense anxiety in this difficult period of time and my doctor is going to arrange for me to see a psychiatrist again. I’m still going to speak with my mentor tomorrow, hopefully she will be able to give me some support over the next few weeks.

ngjc2

 

NI2M ❤