Oh boy, How do I talk about this…
For years my brain has tormented me with inappropriate and harmful thoughts and it would lead to the point that I would hurt myself to stop them because of the intense anxiety and frustration I would experience. I won’t go into detail about the kind of thoughts I have because I am so ashamed… yes I admit it, I am ashamed, too much so to write about it in depth here.
Recently I had been so pre -occupied with the appendicitis, the operation and the hospital that I seemed to finally have a break from these thoughts but a couple of nights ago they returned. They would cause me to hate myself and want to hide away to keep everyone safe from me. I know these are just thoughts and that they don’t reflect me as a person but they still scare me.
Intrusive thoughts are said to be related to OCD (honestly I would not be surprised if I was diagnosed with that as well) but I don’t know if I have it. I know I used to worry about germs and illness and would shower sometimes twice a day and wash my hands vigorously and carry anti bacterial products with me.
Nowadays my depression is so bad that I don’t really care about my health and self care is like a chore but the thoughts are still around. On the other hand intrusive thoughts can also be related to anxiety and depression both of which I’ve experienced strongly over the years.
I think I need to seek professional advice for this as it is a destructive problem for me, I have managed to avoid self harming to shut my brain up but I don’t know how much longer that will last. I’m going back to the MIND centre this Thursday so I will see about talking to my mentor, see what she thinks.