DepressionDiaries: Intrusive Thoughts

Oh boy, How do I talk about this…

For years my brain has tormented me with inappropriate and harmful thoughts and it would lead to the point that I would hurt myself to stop them because of the intense anxiety and frustration I would experience. I won’t go into detail about the kind of thoughts I have because I am so ashamed… yes I admit it, I am ashamed, too much so to write about it in depth here.

Recently I had been so pre -occupied with the appendicitis, the operation and the hospital that I seemed to finally have a break from these thoughts but a couple of nights ago they returned. They would cause me to hate myself and want to hide away to keep everyone safe from me. I know these are just thoughts and that they don’t reflect me as a person but they still scare me.

Intrusive thoughts are said to be related to OCD (honestly I would not be surprised if I was diagnosed with that as well) but I don’t know if I have it. I know I used to worry about germs and illness and would shower sometimes twice a day and wash my hands vigorously and carry anti bacterial products with me.

Nowadays my depression is so bad that I don’t really care about my health and self care is like a chore but the thoughts are still around. On the other hand intrusive thoughts can also be related to anxiety and depression both of which I’ve experienced strongly over the years.

I think I need to seek professional advice for this as it is a destructive problem for me, I have managed to avoid self harming to shut my brain up but I don’t know how much longer that will last. I’m going back to the MIND centre this Thursday so I will see about talking to my mentor, see what she thinks.

friends-phoebe-stop-tormenting-me

 

NI2M ❤

 

 

 

 

 

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8 thoughts on “DepressionDiaries: Intrusive Thoughts

  1. fightingtheminotaur says:

    Aweful! I pasted a respoce from someone else. God, I’m so sorry, especially with this!!!

    I was tryimg to send this…
    I hope your able to find someone to hash this out with. We carry and struggle with more than our fair share. It’s so much harder to work it out alone. I’ve always needed the help of at least my therapist. I’ve never been able to work it all out on my own.

    I don’t know about self harm. I’m fortunate that I don’t struggle with that. Sounds like a tough thing to struggle with though. So sorry for that.

    Intrusive thoughts are difficult as well. I experience intruding thoughts, but no from OCD. They arise when I’m in a certain mood, very tired or when they’re triggered by an experience or flashback. I don’t know. Not being able to direct or even influence thoughts sounds terrifying and intensely frustrating.

    I’m so sorry to read of your struggles. I wanted to let you know that I was listening.

    Liked by 1 person

    • normalistoomainstream says:

      It’s okay, I was about to say your previous comment didn’t make much sense (I’ll delete that one for the discretion of you and the other party involved)

      Thank you so much for listening I’m sorry you have to deal with flashbacks and intrusive thoughts as well. I don’t experience flashbacks but I know they must be hard to deal with.

      My mum is taking me to a doctor tomorrow as we think it could be a medication thing or see if he/she can direct me to the right help. All I know is that I used to have them but then they appeared to settle down for a while and then came back with a vengeance. I think they were fed up of me brushing them aside or ignoring them so got louder and more intense.

      Thank you again for your comment, it means a lot 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. fightingtheminotaur says:

    Thank you for taking the other comment down! I felt so bad as you seem to be struggling and I didn’t want to add to it.

    I hope it’s “just” a medication thing. I would think making an adjustment to meds could be straight forward and effective. So much harder to challenge and deal with if it’s something more imprinted on us. If it works, go for it. I’m willing to try anything which could help me heal – that’s what’s gotten me this far. I’m glad to read that the meds helped in the past. Part of my difficulties stems from my not following completely with what my doctors have recommended. My bad!

    Intruding thoughts are a pain. I’m not sure what your experience is, but I know for myself that they can be confusing, draining and discouraging. I’m so glad your mom is there to help you (I assume that she’s a support?). Good that your able to see someone to help make adjustments. I’ll been sending you positive vibes all day tomorrow!

    Like

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